Inhale/Exhale

[Lawrence]

Hello everyone! This is my first poem on here, and I can't wait to speak to you all.



This is inhalation.
Think of a red balloon expanding,
A graceful leap off of the diving board,
That moment before you interject at a meeting,
Or gathering air you use to throw a shout across the street.

Suspense thrives here.
We’re trying to contain fear.
The murderer is still hidden,
Knife in hand, behind the door,
And our heroine is not at all aware.
The magician hasn’t pulled his rabbit,
I’m about to blow out my birthday candles,
A boy has picked a dandelion, wanting his wish.

The tide ebbs,
The day slowly withdraws,
You catch the scent of incense,
Lingering in an empty cathedral.
Here, you love her, so you pull her in.
While up ahead, you’re facing Mt Everest,
So you look forward, breathe in, and begin.

This is exhalation.

Here, you’re cooling off your scolding hot raviolis.
Someones just told a joke about two rabbis.
You whistle that song stuck in your head,
And you gently breathe on your glasses.
Now, someone is puffing smoke rings
On his windy porch in autumn.

The dark cinema erupts in horrified shouts
As the murderer emerges with a burst
And our heroin is taken by surprise.
You can here choirs singing,
The incantations of monks,
Men blowing on hands,
Trying to keep warm.

Ferocious waves crash on a bright beach in August.
St Peter’s is filled with chatty churchgoers.
And here, you love her, so you let her go.
The final sailboat has left the harbor,
The wind scatters fallen leaves,
You recline in your warm bed
And with a long, slow sigh,
Drift into sleep.

[billy]

after reading that i do hope you decide to stay a while.

what a good write.

for me (everything in my comments are about how it is for me);
the 1st verse is excellent. i'm not able to comment on grammar but the images and content are really good.
and the so is the rest of the piece. it flows so easily into the mind read silently and drips from the mouth like honey when spoken. well worth publishing. if i had a nit it would be that the last three lines feel a little weak for me, the poem ends after harbor.

the second heroine has no e but it still works as heroin though in a different context.
by the way you write i'd say you know you've capped every line (and i know it's allowed) i just find it a little off putting to get a cap after a comma

i love the way you juxtaposed the inhale and exhale of the piece. excellent write.
thanks for the read and welcome to the forum lawrence.



what find invigorating about your poem is that use love without it sounding cheesy.

[Todd]

Hi Lawrence,

This is really great work. I'm going to spend some time with the poem tomorrow and hope to have some more specific comments for you. There are many stand out lines here. It was a real pleasure to read.

I'll be back and try to give you comments through the lines.

Best,

Todd

(Welcome to the forum. I look forward to reading more of your work).

[Todd]

Hi again Lawrence,

There are some really interesting things you choose to do here. I’m going to go through the poem and make suggestions but by and large I want to be clear the poem is good as it is. If you choose to use a suggestion or not use one that’s up to you, I just hope that I can provide you some things to consider that might make the poem stronger. I really like your poem so read any critique in that light. Here goes:

First off what struck me and what I like that you do is how you have the strophes (or stanzas if you prefer) mimic the acts that you are writing about. Inhalation (shorter lines building to longer lines), exhalation (longer lines getting shorter) it’s a subtle touch to mimic breathing but I think it works. There was a part of me that toyed with the idea of you placing this in two strophes to mimic one breath though I think that would require a lot of cutting to maintain the line length structure you’ve established and it isn’t necessary.

I’d like to see another title from you for this. Inhale/exhale isn’t that effective for drawing someone to the poem…even something simple like “On Breathing” would be better. Of course, just my opinion. It’s a simple thing you could think about that could enhance the poem right off.

Ok to the lines:

This is inhalation.
Think of a red balloon expanding,
A graceful leap off of the diving board,—you could cut “of”
That moment before you interject at a meeting,
Or gathering air you use to throw a shout across the street.—not as strong as the other lines because your using inhalation to describe inhalation. It’s close to the same idea you used in the previous line.

Suspense thrives here.
We’re trying to contain fear.[b]—I think you could cut these first two lines and let your next two lines images do the work for you.
The murderer is still hidden,
Knife in hand, behind the door,
And our heroine is not at all aware.
The magician hasn’t pulled his rabbit,
I’m about to blow out my birthday candles,—again moving directly to a breathing example makes this a bit weaker for me. You could cut this.
A boy has picked a dandelion, wanting his wish.[/b]—this however might be my favorite line in the whole poem it’s such a great image and carries such anticipation.

The tide ebbs,
The day slowly withdraws,
You catch the scent of incense,
Lingering in an empty cathedral.
Here, you love her, so you pull her in.—these previous four lines are so good
While up ahead, you’re facing Mt Everest,
So you look forward, breathe in, and begin.—again I’d rather you just ended on the previous line, and let the image convey.

This is exhalation.

Here, you’re cooling off your scolding hot raviolis.
Someones just told a joke about two rabbis.—Someone’s
You whistle that song stuck in your head,
And you gently breathe on your glasses.—again a direct breathing reference to describe exhalation.
Now, someone is puffing smoke rings
On his windy porch in autumn.

The dark cinema erupts in horrified shouts
As the murderer emerges with a burst
And our heroin is taken by surprise.—Billy mentioned adding the “e”. These three lines are great.
You can here choirs singing,--minor typo: hear
The incantations of monks,
Men blowing on hands,—it’s a good image but something other than blowing
Trying to keep warm.

Ferocious waves crash on a bright beach in August.
St Peter’s is filled with chatty churchgoers.
And here, you love her, so you let her go.
The final sailboat has left the harbor,
The wind scatters fallen leaves,
You recline in your warm bed
And with a long, slow sigh,
Drift into sleep.—I really liked this final strophe. Good images throughout.

So, Lawrence I loved the poem. I’m looking forward to seeing more of your writing. I hope some of the comments will be helpful to you. If they aren’t please ignore them.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

This is the best amateur poem I've read for a long time. Kind of reminds me of some verses in Richard Siken's collection Crush, mostly, I think, because of the present tense, the second person narrative, and how this is more a string of images, used to illustrate one or two emotions, rather than a story. The sole, pathetically minor fault that I can find is that, in the penultimate stanza, you misspell "heroine," forgetting the e. I can't really pick a favourite line or break down the poem as Todd did, because I love every single sentence, every last metaphor and simile. Astonishingly good.

[Todd]

Jack, I agree with you I am astonished (and Lawrence I mean no disrespect by this) with how good this poem is. It's just not what you usually see posted.

[Lawrence]

Awesome review guys! This gets me so much closer to a final copy, and I'm grateful that you took the time to create such a concise, thorough analysis. Thanks for getting the mimicking (I thought that wasn't a half bad idea at the time )

I have loved poetry for awhile now, and have wrote for awhile too, yet I couldn't find a website that didn't reek of a circle-jerky "Omahgosh I love your poems! Read mine please?" sort of thing.

But yeah, killer to be here. Thanks again.

[billy]

we don't have many members as of yet but you'll be sure to get some honest
feedback. looking forward to reading more of your work Lawrence.

[addy]

Excellent poem. Some minor typos but quite forgivable. Great opening lines, vivid and with a great dynamism to it... the rest of your images carry on just as strongly. Like the mirroring effect in some of the images, with the tension/resolution dynamic. Thanks for posting this

[Lawrence]

New Version
"Deep Breath"
_________________
This is inhalation.

Think of a red balloon expanding,
A graceful leap off of the diving board,
That moment before you interject at a meeting,
Or gathering air used to throw a shout across the street.

Suspense thrives here.
The murderer is still hidden,
Knife in hand, behind the door,
And our heroine is not at all aware.
The magician hasn’t pulled his rabbit,
I’m about to blow out my birthday candles,
A boy has picked a dandelion, wanting his wish.

The tide ebbs,
The day slowly withdraws,
You catch the scent of incense,
Lingering in an empty cathedral.
Here, you love her, so you pull her in.
While up ahead, you begin your ascent of Everest

This is exhalation.

Here, you’re cooling off your scolding hot raviolis.
Someone’s just told a joke about two rabbis.
A man walks by you whistling in high pitch
As you breathe fog on your dirty glasses.
Now, your father is puffing smoke rings
On his windy porch in autumn.

The dark cinema erupts in horrified shouts
As the murderer emerges with a burst
And our heroine is taken by surprise.
You can here choirs singing,
The incantations of monks,
Men blowing on hands,
Trying to keep warm.

Ferocious waves crash on a bright beach in August.
St Peter’s is filled with chatty churchgoers.
And here, you love her, so you let her go.
The final sailboat has left the harbor,
Wind scatters piles of fallen leaves,
As you recline in your hammock
And with a long, slow sigh,
Drift into sleep.

---

Oh, and Todd, I'll try to eliminate a breathing reference.

[billy]

New Version
"Deep Breath"
_________________
This is inhalation.

Think of a red balloon expanding,
A graceful leap off of the diving board,
That moment before you interject at a meeting,
Or gathering air used to throw a shout across the street.

Suspense thrives here.
The murderer is still hidden,
Knife in hand, behind the door,
And our heroine is not at all aware.
The magician hasn’t pulled his rabbit,
I’m about to blow out my birthday candles,
A boy has picked a dandelion, wanting his wish.

this above verse works better for me.

The tide ebbs,
The day slowly withdraws,
You catch the scent of incense,
Lingering in an empty cathedral.
Here, you love her, so you pull her in.
While up ahead, you begin your ascent of Everest

i prefer the original of this verse, for me it's more poetic
if i were to change it it would be just a variation to;

while up ahead you face Everest;
look forward, breathe in, and begin

This is exhalation.

Here, you’re cooling off your scolding hot raviolis.
Someone’s just told a joke about two rabbis.
A man walks by you whistling in high pitch is "you" needed?
As you breathe fog on your dirty glasses.
Now, your father is puffing smoke rings i like this line better
On his windy porch in autumn.

The dark cinema erupts in horrified shouts
As the murderer emerges with a burst
And our heroine is taken by surprise.
You can here choirs singing,
The incantations of monks,
Men blowing on hands,
Trying to keep warm.

Ferocious waves crash on a bright beach in August.
St Peter’s is filled with chatty churchgoers.
And here, you love her, so you let her go.
The final sailboat has left the harbor,
Wind scatters piles of fallen leaves,
As you recline in your hammock
And with a long, slow sigh,
Drift into sleep.

like the first version. the last three lines work but for me they don't really add anything to the poem.

it's hard to pick between the two. i think i like this one better
they're both that good it's hard to say

it's easier to compare the edit and the original if you place the edit in your original post along with the original poem

thanks for the edit lawrence.