On Receiving My First Student Loan Payment

[heslopian]

But who can carry the incineration of a universe? - Ted Hughes, Tales from Ovid

The disordered mind, writhing
like a violated girl
in her heady mix of hate and shame,
makes a "To Do" list:
1. Buy some pencils.
2. Borrow books.
3. Purchase a hot meal from the local diner.
4. Think It Over. An
itinerary forms now that money
is received.

If I lived in America
I'd thank Uncle Sam,
but what such figure
of patriotic pride do we have on our shores?
Churchill? Kitchener? John Lennon?
I'm too ignorant to know.
I'm too ignorant to know.
When I asked what "the cuts" were about,
why the kid with the megaphone
on the third college square
kept cursing a man called Osbourne,
they treated me like the man who arrived
at the banquet of his king wearing rags.

[billy]

4. Think It Over. An
itinerary forms now that money
is received.

should that be;
And
itinerary forms
or;
An
itinerary form
i'd have said lennon instead of john lennon but i think i'm being a bit pedantic.

some good images jack

i though the last verse excellent.
i also like the insight that young people often don't know or give as much of a toss about politics as some would have us believe. get one student with a megaphone and all students are dissidents .

thanks for the read as always

[heslopian]

4. Think It Over. An
itinerary forms now that money
is received.

should that be;
And
itinerary forms
or;
An
itinerary form

The sentence looks correct to me. I thought "itinerary" was, or at least could be used, as a singular noun?

i'd have said lennon instead of john lennon but i think i'm being a bit pedantic.

I think I only put John Lennon's full name because I wanted the three syllables, thus mirroring "Kitchener." I can be very illogical at times, as I'm sure you know by now

Thanks as always for your kind and thoughtful feedback, Billy

[billy]

The sentence looks correct to me. I thought "itinerary" was, or at least could be used, as a singular noun?

yes but it's the an in connection with the s on forms that's the problem. (i think lol)

Think It Over. An
itinerary forms now that money

[heslopian]

The sentence looks correct to me. I thought "itinerary" was, or at least could be used, as a singular noun?

yes but it's the an in connection with the s on forms that's the problem. (i think lol)

Think It Over. An
itinerary forms now that money

Yes but the singular form would only apply if itinerary were plural, which in this context it isn't, or at least isn't supposed to be...

[billy]

sorry jack, you're prob right, i'm shite with grammar. it just looked wrong to me and i pointed it out.
forgive me if i was wrong. i feels such a wally now

[heslopian]

sorry jack, you're prob right, i'm shite with grammar. it just looked wrong to me and i pointed it out.
forgive me if i was wrong. i feels such a wally now

Why do I keep pressing "edit," followed by "quick edit," instead of just f****** reply?!

Anyway, in answer to your comment, don't worry about it, if you feel something's wrong then tell me.

I'm not great with grammar myself, and learning what I have about it has been a long and painful process haha.

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

Just a couple opinions on this piece. I like this quite a bit. Take or leave these comments as you will:

But who can carry the incineration of a universe? - Ted Hughes, Tales from Ovid

The disordered mind,--pull writhing up to the end of this line maybe. It feels too static to me I think ending on a stong verb would push the reader into this mind you mention.
writhing like a violated girl
in her heady mix of hate and shame,--these too lines are good granted hate and shame are a bit abstract but they don't bother me here because they are just there to enhance the simile
makes a "To Do" list:
1. Buy some pencils.
2. Borrow books.
3. Purchase a hot meal from the local diner.
4. Think It Over. An
itinerary forms now that money
is received.--okay here's my issue with this list you start with a disordered mind and then you show a sense of order. What I'd suggest you do is mix it up a bit you can even make the list longer if you want. For example (only. You'll come up with way more creative things)

1. Buy some pencils.
2. Are radio waves coming through my fillings?
3. Borrow books.
4. There's a stain...stain...stain.
5. Purchase a hot meal from a local diner.

They wouldn't even have to go back and forth.

In the original #4 Think it over would work well as a stand alone.

An itinerary forms now that money is received seems sort of prosey to me and I'm not very fond of it.

If I lived in America
I'd thank Uncle Sam,
but what such figure
of patriotic pride do we have on our shores?
Churchill? Kitchener? John Lennon?
I'm too ignorant to know.
I'm too ignorant to know I like the repetition and the enjambment with the next line is good but "a lot of things" is too vague to add much. I think you should absolute enjamb the line but I'd like to see something stronger.
a lot of things.
When I asked what "the cuts" were about,
why the kid with the megaphone
on the third college square
kept cursing a man called Osbourne,
they treated me like the man who arrived
at the banquet of his king wearing rags.[b]--The last lines were wonderful.

I hope some of that will be helpful to you. Again, it's a good poem (wonderful opening...solid conclusion. I like S2 a lot).[/b]

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Thanks for your feedback, Todd
I REALLY like your list idea, but I feel it would defeat the object of those lines; I was trying to show how, in spite of my disordered mind, the arrival of money helped me establish some order. (That makes sense to me haha). Like I said, though, I really like that idea, and if you don't mind, I may use it for another poem.
I think I agree with your comments about "writhing" and "a lot of things"; I'll make an edit once I've finished this.
Thanks again for the feedback, and also your kind words

[Todd]

Maybe pull the An itinerary forms now that money is received (or some variation) above the list to show the linear sequence you intend. Up to you Jack. I appreciated the read.