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Threads: 1
Joined: May 2016
Edit 3:
Drum practice
Hit those drums
Beat those toms
Breaking rhythm
Gets you calm
Pumping heart
Pounding bass
Kicking those
Drum beats hard
Breathing in
Bashing out
Beating skin
Pounding loud
Get it right
Get it tight
Hit the ride
Right hand side
Toms with tones
trembling tunes
Skin deep darkness
Lighting up
Bells that sound
Carry far
Lashing and crashing
Wishing it was
Calm inside
Deep kicks
Gentle beats
Click tap
Brush over skin
Woosh tap
Woosh tap
Feeling loved
Feeling lurched
Feeling left
With better heartbeats
Edit 2:
Drum practice
Hit those drums
Beat those toms
Breaking rhythm
Gets you calm
Pumping heart
Pounding bass
Kicking those
Drum beats hard
Breathing in
Breathing out
Beating skin
Pounding loud
Get it right
Get it tight
Hit the ride
Right hand side
Toms with tones
trembling tunes
Skin deep darkness
Lighting up
Bells that sound
Carry far
Lashing and crashing
Wishing it was
Calm inside
What is it that you do
To get you through it all
Deep kicks
Gentle beats
Click tap
Brush over skin
Feeling loved
Feeling lurched
Feeling left
With better heartbeats
Drum practice
Hit those drums
Drum those toms
beating rhythms
Gets you calm
Pumping heart
Pounding bass
Kicking those
Drum skins hard
Breathing in
Breathing out
Beating skin
Pounding loud
Get it right
Get it tight
Hit the ride
Right hand side
Toms with tones
trembling tunes
Skin deep darkness
Lighting up
Bells that sound
Carry far
Lashing and crashing
Wishing it was
Calm inside
What is it that you do
To get you through it all
Gentle beats
Deep kicks
Click tap
Brush over skin
Feeling loved
Feeling lurched
Feeling left
With better heartbeats
Posts: 326
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
Hi Ivana, this is a neat little poem you've got here.
I like the use of the metaphor and the slight use of onomatopoeia (I couldn't spell that word without copy+paste), although I do think there was potential for more onomatopoeia without risk of going overboard (Splash!!)
(05-18-2016, 11:51 PM)Ivana Wrote: Drum practice
Hit those drums - Once you get a rhythm going in the second stanza the effect works well, I just feel that this first stanza trips over itself a little with the word 'drum' repeated and the third line having an extra syllable (although it may be an dialect/accent thing)
Drum those toms - could you change 'drum' here to 'beat' or 'drums' on the line above to something else?
beating rhythms - I see this line as one of the places you could use onomatopoeia and introduce the metaphor. A terrible possible example could be 'boom kick ride'
Gets you calm
Pumping heart
Pounding bass
Kicking those
Drum skins hard
Breathing in
Breathing out - These two lines seem a bit mundane together
Beating skin
Pounding loud
Get it right
Get it tight
Hit the ride
Right hand side
Toms with tones
trembling tunes
Skin deep darkness - was it intentional to lose the rhythm here? It seems more natural for the next stanza.
Lighting up
Bells that sound - Possibilities for more onomatopoeia??? It's your poem.
Carry far
Lashing and crashing
Wishing it was
Calm inside
What is it that you do
To get you through it all - This whole question is probably cliche in a roundabout way, (especially the second line) - Is there another way you could ask this? Does it need asking?
Gentle beats
Deep kicks
Click tap
Brush over skin
Feeling loved
Feeling lurched
Feeling left
With better heartbeats
I think it's a good idea that you've got here and it works well, but I reckon with just a little bit of work in a couple of places you could get it to work really well.
Is there also a possibility of making mention of a snare drum and having it as an interesting sound/double meaning potential...??
Thanks for the read,
Mark
 wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 7
Threads: 1
Joined: May 2016
Dear Ambrosial revelation,
Thank you for your very helpful reply! I really agree with your comments on the first stanza and I've tried to improve it. I also see that the breathing part is overused and boring. However, I like it in combination with the next line, and currently have no alternative. I could also not yet let go of "What is it that you do To get you through it all" line. I can let it out, but somehow I like the change of style, rhythm and perspective there. Is it really that cliche? I would love to hear what others think of that sentence and the place within the poem. I don't think I have a final version yet.
Again, thank you for your very helpful feedback. It made my first time posting on this forum a very pleasant experience.
best wishes,
Ivana
latest version:
Drum practice
Hit those drums
Beat those toms
breaking rhythm
Gets you calm
Pumping heart
Pounding bass
Kicking those
Drum skins hard
Breathing in
Breathing out
Beating skin
Pounding loud
Get it right
Get it tight
Hit the ride
Right hand side
Toms with tones
trembling tunes
Skin deep darkness
Lighting up
Bells that sound
Carry far
Lashing and crashing
Wishing it was
Calm inside
What is it that you do
To get you through it all
Gentle beats
Deep kicks
Click tap
Brush over skin
Feeling loved
Feeling lurched
Feeling left
With better heartbeats
Posts: 229
Threads: 26
Joined: May 2016
As a music lover, I can relate to how this poem captures sound so well. Thanks for sharing - Kole
(05-20-2016, 12:30 PM)Ivana Wrote: Dear Ambrosial revelation,
Thank you for your very helpful reply! I really agree with your comments on the first stanza and I've tried to improve it. I also see that the breathing part is overused and boring. However, I like it in combination with the next line, and currently have no alternative. I could also not yet let go of "What is it that you do To get you through it all" line. I can let it out, but somehow I like the change of style, rhythm and perspective there. Is it really that cliche? I would love to hear what others think of that sentence and the place within the poem. I don't think I have a final version yet.
Again, thank you for your very helpful feedback. It made my first time posting on this forum a very pleasant experience.
best wishes,
Ivana
latest version:
Drum practice
Hit those drums - I really appreciate the variation in rhythm this stanza achieves. In the first version, all syllables were strong, which
Beat those toms more closely equates to a fill-in than a driving rhythm
breaking rhythm in these third and forth lines, you switch to an alternating stress pattern, much more like a drum beat. Great revision!
Gets you calm
Pumping heart
Pounding bass
Kicking those - Is kicking the best verb here? One only kicks one drum skin in my experience, while hitting the rest with sticks.
Drum skins hard Just a thought.
Breathing in
Breathing out
Beating skin
Pounding loud
Get it right - Here were back to all stressed syllables, and I like that for the sound of the ride symbol. Maybe work with less choppy line
Get it tight breaks to better capture the resonance of this part of the drum kit?
Hit the ride
Right hand side
Toms with tones
trembling tunes
Skin deep darkness - Why skin deep? This feels deeper than the skin, as the soul is coming through
Lighting up
Bells that sound
Carry far
Lashing and crashing - great sound in this stanza
Wishing it was
Calm inside
What is it that you do
To get you through it all
Gentle beats - The poem shifts to gentle sound rather quickly. Might the intensity decrescendo a bit more?
Deep kicks
Click tap
Brush over skin
Feeling loved
Feeling lurched
Feeling left
With better heartbeats - great closing line
Posts: 326
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
(05-20-2016, 12:30 PM)Ivana Wrote: I could also not yet let go of "What is it that you do To get you through it all" line. I can let it out, but somehow I like the change of style, rhythm and perspective there. Is it really that cliche?
It's more that the line felt very familiar as if I knew it from somewhere. I googled the line as a whole and then split up and noticed that there are a couple of songs called 'Through It All' and also the question "What do you do?" would be a cliche. So as a whole the line is not cliche but there are elements in it that made me think it might be bordering on cliche so I thought I should say. Perhaps someone else will come along and say something about it.
Also, for when you have done an edit, if you edit your original post and put the latest version of the poem first and call it 'edit 1' or '1st edit' or whatever and then underneath have the original and title that 'original' and then people will be able to see the progression. 
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 23
Threads: 2
Joined: May 2016
I like the poem and the idea. Execution is also good! I really like the beat that you manage to form, and it has a nice flow to it, my comments will be about when that flow is broken, with a simple suggestion on how to keep it. I am also not great with drum terminology, so I might miss some symbolism in it or say something that just doesn't work. Nice work!
(05-20-2016, 12:30 PM)Ivana Wrote: Dear Ambrosial revelation,
Thank you for your very helpful reply! I really agree with your comments on the first stanza and I've tried to improve it. I also see that the breathing part is overused and boring. However, I like it in combination with the next line, and currently have no alternative. I could also not yet let go of "What is it that you do To get you through it all" line. I can let it out, but somehow I like the change of style, rhythm and perspective there. Is it really that cliche? I would love to hear what others think of that sentence and the place within the poem. I don't think I have a final version yet.
Again, thank you for your very helpful feedback. It made my first time posting on this forum a very pleasant experience.
best wishes,
Ivana
latest version:
Drum practice
Hit those drums
Beat those toms
breaking rhythm
Gets you calm
Pumping heart
Pounding bass
Kicking those
Drum skins hard
Breathing in
Breathing out
Beating skin
Pounding loud
Get it right
Get it tight
Hit the ride
Right hand side
Toms with tones
trembling tunes
Skin deep darkness
Lighting up
Bells that sound
Carry far
Lashing and crashing Lashing, crashing, wishing calm
Wishing it was
Calm inside
What is it
that you do
To get you
through it all Broke it up to keep the flow..Maybe change this to "All way through" to make it rhyme but might feel forced..
Gentle beats
Deep kicks Deeper kicks
Click tap Click tap tap (if that makes any sense, really not sure what this means..)
Brush over skin Brush on skin
Feeling loved
Feeling lurched
Feeling left
With better heartbeats
I liked it, thank you for sharing it!
Posts: 7
Threads: 1
Joined: May 2016
Kole, "Kicking that drum skin hard", of course! Thanks so much.
Mark, I will look into how to post edited versions correctly. Thanks again.
Joseph, I think I want the flow to be broken sometimes, to have different rhythms in the poem, but it could be too much. I'll have another look at it. I like the extra tap. Thanks!
Posts: 23
Threads: 2
Joined: May 2016
The first time I read this, I did not know that the ride was a part of a drum, I had to google it.
I was about to say that you could change it to something like "joyful ride" or similar, but then I removed that comment.
But now I see that it could be a play on words so figured I'd just share that thought with you. What I mean is that "ride" can be ambiguous, not that playing has to joyful that was just the first word popping in my head..
Posts: 9
Threads: 3
Joined: May 2016
Very nice work. I really enjoyed the structure of the poem and the short, percussive flow of the words. Some of the structure gets broken up at points and feels slightly jaunty, which may be intended, but regardless it may be worth reading over to watch for where it feels like beats need to be added or taken away, depending on what you think feels appropriate.
Posts: 7
Threads: 1
Joined: May 2016
Thanks all! I think I'm going to leave this sentence out:
What is it that you do
To get you through it all
It's too much drama and it takes out the flow. I've also added onomatopoeia (woosh tap) that hopefully offers a slower change to the last stanza, but I might change my mind about that.
Instead of Breathing in Breathing out, I'm going for Breathing in Bashing out, for now.
I'm also considering:
Breathing in
Breaking out
Beating skin
Pounding loud
However, I'm not sure if breaking out had the right connotation, because of its multiple meanings.
Ivana
Posts: 326
Threads: 90
Joined: Apr 2013
Hi Ivana,
This has got better with each edit, which is what it's all about here. I'm glad to see that you waited a while between edit2 and edit3, the temptation is always to edit immediately and a lot of times it comes out worse, but yours is spot on.
I feel almost guilty about the final two things that you left out as I suggested it, I do however think that it works better now.
Just a couple of thoughts on your new edit, nothing too serious, firstly you can spell woosh as whoosh the dictionary says that they are the same but I prefer to hear a tiny difference in there, it's up to you for the exact sound you are wanting. Also, I don't know if I am misunderstanding the bells reference but in such a musically and sonically expressive piece to say, 'bells that sound' seems a bit odd, alarms sound, but bells?
Thanks for the read again, it has been good to see this poem develop.
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie
Posts: 9
Threads: 2
Joined: Dec 2015
(05-18-2016, 11:51 PM)Ivana Wrote: Feeling loved
Feeling lurched
Feeling left
With better heartbeats
How about changing the last stance?
Feeling loved
Getting lurched
Dancing to the beats
of your own drum
Posts: 33
Threads: 9
Joined: Jun 2016
Hello!
I clicked on this right away, with a smile--I played drums in high school and college--so right away, I loved the topic ;-)
I like this 'in the moment' action poem. The syllables are mostly a 'da da da' three beat (sometimes it varies) it's like a rat-tat-tat of the drum. I feel the beat as I scan the words . I feel your edits are going in the right direction, pruning this poem down a bit strengthens it.
Good luck! -V
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