A Way to Go renamed The Fire Cure

[bedeep]

(edit 1)

The Fire Cure

I want waterfeet
to walk these flaming ways.
where are the frogs?
-- the frogs who call
the rain --
they are burning.

marshes seethe,
sedges, grasses, forbs blaze up,
tall forests fall to fiery ground,
birds collapse in smoked flight.

where went the fishes, the cool mosses?
mouth wind-blistered
skin spark-stung I watch
as streams crackle and steam...

with little hope
I pray over my bluest socks
all night long and in the morning
put them on
still wet
and start walking.

~~~

A Way to Go

I want waterfeet
to walk this burning world
(where are the frogs?)

marshes seethe,
sedges grasses forbs blaze up,
tall forests fall to fiery ground
birds drop sizzling from seared horizons
(where went the fishes, the cool mosses?)

mouth wind-blistered
skin spark-stung I watch
as streams crackle and steam...

where are the frogs?
-- the frogs who call
the rain --
they are burning.

with little hope
I pray over my bluest socks
all night long and in the morning
put them on
still wet
and start walking.

(Been a dry spell since NaPM; this was sparked haha by the Fort McMurray fire in Canada and by my blue socks. I wonder if my title needs improvement; they often do. Open to your wisdom elsewise also, and thanks.)

[Quixilated]

Hi, bedeep,

I really, really like this.
-Quix

A Way to Go perhaps a title having more to do with fire, or socks?

I want waterfeet love. love. love. Though I would have hyphenated: "water-feet."
to walk this burning world Punctuation seems to be rather arbitrarily applied. This causes parts of the poem to be muddled and confusing.
(where are the frogs?)

marshes seethe, love this
sedges grasses forbs blaze up, here is where punctuation could help. Do you mean "sedge grasses, forbs blaze up," or "sedges, grasses, forbs blaze up"? I cannot tell if you mean sedge as a third type of marshplant or as an adjective to modify grasses. If three plants, then you need two commas. If adjective, then sedges should be singular, and you need add only one comma.
tall forests fall to fiery ground
birds drop sizzling from seared horizons Nice alliteration. Also, as a rather graphic image it forces the reader to respond.
(where went the fishes, the cool mosses?)

mouth wind-blistered
skin spark-stung I watch
as streams crackle and steam... Love the hyphen words. Also, this whole stanza is another nice vivid image. (Though, before I read the note at the bottom I was visualizing the apocalypse.;P)

where are the frogs?
-- the frogs who call love: "the frogs who call the rain," nice line.
the rain --
they are burning.

with little hope
I pray over my bluest socks YES! You had me at waterfeet, but this sealed the deal. I can't express the sheer delight I had when I came to this line. Also, I like that you start with this image at the very beginning and then bring it back around at the end.
all night long and in the morning
put them on
still wet I'm a tad confused about this. I think it's the "still" ... are they still wet from the wash? from sweat? from rain that came as an answer to prayer? If it was just "wet" without the "still" I would just accept that they were dipped in water or something and move on ... the "still wet" after all night has me curious.
and start walking.

(Been a dry spell since NaPM; this was sparked haha by the Fort McMurray fire in Canada and by my blue socks. I wonder if my title needs improvement; they often do. Open to your wisdom elsewise also, and thanks.)

[bedeep]

Thank you, Quix. I wondered if the sparse punctuation would be a problem. It felt those commas might slow things down too much and to me it seemed obvious what was meant but, point taken and thank you.

As for the wet socks I hope to leave that to the reader's wondering though my thought was the implication of weeping (unrealistic all night long and getting socks wet, I realize. )

And yes, good that the Apocalypse came to mind. That, global warming, environmental damages of all kinds -- all of that resonates here, it was just the Alberta Canada stories that sparked the flow.\

I will consider hyphenating "water-feet" too.

thanks again!

[aschueler]

A Way to Go

I want waterfeet
to walk this burning world
(where are the frogs?)

marshes seethe,  
sedges grasses forbs blaze up,  Had to look forbs up.  I wonder about this, you cover sedges, grasses and non grass plants...seems wordy
tall forests fall to fiery ground trees on fire might fall, but "forests" falling is a little awkward
birds drop sizzling from seared horizons Again close but you can't reach or drop from a horizon, although the sizzling seared part is nice
(where went the fishes, the cool mosses?) 

mouth wind-blistered
skin spark-stung I watch
as streams crackle and steam...

where are the frogs?
-- the frogs who call
the rain --
they are burning.  Poor frogs.

with little hope
I pray over my bluest socks
all night long and in the morning
put them on
still wet
and start walking.  Nice ending images;  disturbing overall.  Staying still overnight where there is such a conflagration is iffy, is there a safe place?  is that something worthwhile to incorporate if so? 

(Been a dry spell since NaPM; this was sparked haha by the Fort McMurray fire in Canada and by my blue socks. I wonder if my title needs improvement; they often do. Open to your wisdom elsewise also, and thanks.)

[bedeep]

"Is there a safe place?" is a question I hope the poem raises.

Maybe if I stated it "Whole forests fall..." that particular concern could be allayed? I honestly was walking at the edge of anything that could be interpreted or understood literally but perhaps that itself is too vague. (It has been on my mind with this, that very question of realism, though I am encouraged that some seem to go with it as written.)

I did mean to cover as much "ground" -- types of plants, types of creatures -- as I could within the poem as it is meant to have a universal reference and not just local or specific to any event. Again, that may not work well enough. Possibly it would be stronger if I moved it fully into more realistic specificity.

Thanks very much for your thoughtful comments.

[Lizzie]

Hi! I agree with the punctuation issues raised, but I absolutely adored this in every other respect. It wasn't clear to me as I was reading it that this was about a forest fire because I was reminded of this section from Tolkien:

"Together, my lord Sauron, we shall rule this Middle-earth. The old world will burn in the fires of industry. Forests will fall. A new order will rise. We will drive the machine of war with the sword and the spear and the iron fist of the orc."

Because I respect Tolkien so much, talk of falling forests is completely legit in my world. 

I like the horizon-line bit as well -- it worked for me.

[bedeep]

Thanks so much, Lizzie.

[Achebe]

I liked the start and the end of your pome. In between, it didn't quite reach the heights. I mean, the frogs are burning and birds are falling, the cool mosses are dead, because....the forest's burning. It comes across a bit like stating the obvious.
I thought that S2 and S4 had rhythm a bit too irregular.
There is a lot more you can get out of the poem by squeezing in the odd slant rhyme.
So I tried that. It's unpardonable, but it's also bad enough not to rankle. If it gives you something to think about, great. If you'd rather print it out and throw darts at it, remember that you're making holes in your wall.
Also, I really liked your poem so I wanted to do something with it.

A Way to Go (v -0.5)

I want water feet
to walk this burning world
like frogs cannot

now marshes seethe
by smoking sedge grasses
and birds drop sizzling from the trees
of the forest's blazing tent
top. With the frogs went 
the cool mosses.

Mouth wind-blistered,
skin spark-stung I watch
as streams crackle and steam.
The frogs can't stop
with silence this burning rain.

With little hope
I pray over my bluest socks
all night long and in the morning
put them on
still wet
and start walking.

[bedeep]

Not unpardonable in my book, Achebe, and thank you for your input! I will add it to the mix to be sure. Sometimes offering the alternative as in your rewrite is the clearest way to express what we mean to say, so it doesn't step on any toes of mine.

I agree the midsection is not as impactful as the first and last stanzas are. I intended it to build the feeling of a sort of overwhelm, rather than to have the punch of new data, but I will see how I can improve there.

I'm also aware of the very uneven rhythm, but hoped there might be some value in the sort of jerked sensation which also can accompany a progressive discovery of disaster's reach.

[bedeep]

I'm going to let all this cook a bit and will be back with what may be only a minor edit, I hope within a few days.

I notice no one commented on the title -- thoughts?

Thanks again!

[Quixilated]

I was hoping you'd incorporate the blue socks into the title, but that probably gives away the surprise of finding them later. Other good titles might include themes of fire and burnination. I went through a phase of wishing it would be called "where are all the frogs" but then thought only naturalists would read it. I most often end with fire theme idea. I'm sure whatever you land on will be great.

[bedeep]

Thanks for taking up my title question, Quix, but don't be so sure about the "it will be great" part. Titles are a weak point. I love titles that add to the poem and have a very hard time finding them. I will noodle about it for a while.

And your right, can't put the socks in the title and the frogs don't really belong to be there either.

*commences noodling*

[Lizzie]

"Call The Rain" ?

I'd say use "Blaze Up", but that has a different connotation where I'm from!

[bedeep]

"Call The Rain" ?

I'd say use "Blaze Up", but that has a different connotation where I'm from!

It does? What would that be? I mean, maybe I don't want to use it in the poem, if it's that different....

Thanks for the input.

[Lizzie]

It means lighting a joint.

[bedeep]

Ah. Thank you. I think it's safe to keep it in the poem, in that case.

[Todd]

A Way to Go

I want waterfeet
to walk this burning world--I wonder about burning here. You show it below in S2 and S4 even repeating the word there. I wonder if you are better served merging S1 and S2 and simply making all of S1 one line: I want waterfeet to walk this world. I do like your w sounds.
(where are the frogs?)--I'm not sure how I feel about these parentheticals. If they carried all the way down and functioned like a poem in a poem maybe, but as they sit they may be able to be cut.

marshes seethe,
sedges grasses forbs blaze up,
tall forests fall to fiery ground
birds drop sizzling from seared horizons--I like the image but I think you may want to consider reworking this a bit. I think the part I'm having issue with is the phrase from seared horizons. It may be better with a rework or simply cutting the phrase.
(where went the fishes, the cool mosses?)--Same issue as above.

mouth wind-blistered
skin spark-stung I watch--I like the first two phrases (wind-blistered, spark-stung)
as streams crackle and steam...

where are the frogs?
-- the frogs who call
the rain --
they are burning.--This is my favorite part. I would be inclined to use your waterfeet line and make this your new S1. Just a thought.

with little hope
I pray over my bluest socks
all night long and in the morning
put them on
still wet
and start walking.

(Been a dry spell since NaPM; this was sparked haha by the Fort McMurray fire in Canada and by my blue socks. I wonder if my title needs improvement; they often do. Open to your wisdom elsewise also, and thanks.)

I hope some of the comments are helpful.

Best,

Todd

[bedeep]

Ah, thanks, Todd! The reason for the parentheses is as a way to convey (I hope) the more gradual noticing of what is missing and gone, as at first a basic awareness of burning is there and then, in a shift of awarenesss, the frogs, etc.

However. I will consider this carefully. Your suggestions for a rework of S1 in particular recommend themselves at ths moment.

And the seared horizons seems to read awkwardly to several so I'll take that into account also.

[bedeep]

Revision posted, with a changed title.

[Todd]

For me, the revision reads better and is an improvement. I think you cleaned up the bird line well. I'm still debating the change of drop to collapse--though I think that's probably a style choice.