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Her Nixon-old, single-wide trailer
is an uncomfortable bra of a thing:
its fit pinches like a mean 6th grader.
Her belongings spill out onto the front porch,
bared to the elements. She's always adjusting
the flimsy screen door, the wiring was botched,
and the latch to the shower stall won't stay hooked.
She stretches around others, twists
and contorts herself to fit. Her clothing slips
off the over-burdened dresser
like too-loose straps. Knockers
at the door wonder how she breathes
in there with two growing kids,
the youngest still nursing.
She'll snap eventually.
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Lizzie, this is quite a well-constructed work with images that fit together very nicely. The bra metaphor is odd at first, but you keep it going so that it seems exactly right. This is the For Fun forum, so I won't go into too much detail with critique but I do think your work would stand up to more rigorous examination, so if you'd like to move it to a critique forum just say the word.
It could be worse
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Yeah, it can get moved to a critique forum. I just wasn't sure that the subject matter was entirely appropriate for serious criticism 
That and, being new, I thought I'd dip the first nanometer of my toenail into the water first...
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Hi Lizzie, I really enjoyed reading this! Very evocative and funny. I think the bra metaphor is rather brilliant in fact. 
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There is good stuff in there; if you're unsure have them move it to mild.
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05-15-2016, 06:24 AM
(This post was last modified: 05-15-2016, 06:25 AM by Leanne.)
Just moving it to mild for now. Any subject matter is suitable for critique -- it just depends how closely you want people to read it and whether or not you're game to edit it.
It could be worse
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(05-14-2016, 03:32 PM)lizziep Wrote: Of Trailers and Torture
This Nixon-old, single-wide, yellow trailer -- straight away this gives us the wider setting in time and place (I'm not American so your terminology marks you clearly. It is a good descriptive line)
we live in is an uncomfortable bra of a thing:
its fit pinches us like a mean 6th grader. -- we know the voice is female (or identifies as one) because it's really only women who know this combined indignity of wearing an ill-fitting bra and being the subject of 6th grade pinching
Our belongings spill out onto the front porch,
exposed to the bare elements. -- you don't really need "bare" as you've already got "exposed" -- or you could have "bared to the elements"
You could spend your whole day adjusting the flimsy screen door,
and the latch to the tiny shower stall won't stay hooked. -- "tiny" is a bit weak -- is there a stronger image you could use here?
We smash our heads together as we stretch
around each other, twisting and contorting ourselves to fit. -- perfect with the bra metaphor
The wiring under the house was improperly installed. -- this line doesn't fit well -- under what house? Does this imply that the previous dwelling was burned down, and that's why the family is in a trailer? I'd like to see this expanded a bit, if so, as it just comes out of the blue and leads nowhere.
Our clothing slips off the over-burdened dresser like too-loose straps –
it's reddening our nerves.
Knockers at the door wonder how we live here -- I don't know if "knockers" is a deliberate pun but I took it as one, just because I can 
with two small kids, the youngest still nursing.
Eventually, we'll snap. -- Perfect close
It could be worse
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Leanne, thanks so much for your feedback! You're right that the exposed + bare was redundant. I'll fix that. And, I'll work a bit more on the "Tiny" issue. The wiring under the house line (and, I really should have said trailer, so that was a slip up) was supposed to be a play on the underwire of a bra. There's usually some wiring on the underside of a house....I don't know. I was just trying really hard to work "underwire" in somewhere, but I'm not married to that particular line. Yes, knockers was intentional! A total groan, I know.
Thanks for clarifying what I can post in which forum, also.
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As Leanne mentioned, carrying on with the central metaphor and developing it cleverly is what makes this poem a nice read.
I'm doubtful about the reliability of the narrator as a poet of the trailer park, strikes me as being slightly inauthentic. I'd have been more comfortable with it being in the third person.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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i originally wrote:
and when it does snap we'll want pics 
a hefty write. as it was in a non feedback forum but as it's been moved i'll give some better feedback.
all in all i like the treatment you gave to the central metaphor of boobies [tits] it's done in such a way as to make the reader ask...do they realize what they're doing and because of this there's more of a titter factor, excuse the pun. i think it wonderbra. a really solid funny write.
(05-14-2016, 03:32 PM)lizziep Wrote: Of Trailers and Torture
This Nixon-old, single-wide, yellow trailer good image of age and local it could only be the us of a.
we live in is an uncomfortable bra of a thing: bra sort of makes the obvious further on even more so.
its fit pinches us like a mean 6th grader. and so the metaphors/similes start proper.
Our belongings spill out onto the front porch, the double image is amazing brings out the smut in me or the reader.
exposed to the bare elements. a suggestion would be to use either exposed or bare to the elements
You could spend your whole day adjusting the flimsy screen door,
and the latch to the tiny shower stall won't stay hooked.
We smash our heads together as we stretch
around each other, twisting and contorting ourselves to fit.
The wiring under the house was improperly installed. what male doesn't love the underwired bra
Our clothing slips off the over-burdened dresser like too-loose straps –
it's reddening our nerves.
Knockers at the door wonder how we live here
with two small kids, the youngest still nursing. a great line that actually say more about the person than the tit.
Eventually, we'll snap.
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We are actually in a trailer right now, so I do understand all of the discomforts I wrote about, unfortunately. I was born and raised on a 100+ acre farm, so I'm not a connoisseur of small spaces, by any means. Perhaps that betrayed me. It was just a rant about what was going on for me that day. I will try it in the 3rd person though - that's an interesting thought.
Billy:
I'm glad you picked up on all of my double (D) images
And thanks for mentioning the wonderbra since padding wasn't something I thought of! Maybe I could stuff that into the poem somewhere...
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The misleading part was "wiring under the house", if you mean under the trailer.
And reddening nerves is a miss for me.
Otherwise I quite loved it.
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Revision is up. Thanks again to everyone who gave feedback and for the warm welcome.
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I'd missed this the first time around, Lizzie.
You pull off the conceit well.
The wiring in the screen door was an inspired change. It solved the problems in the previous version, worked well in the metaphor, and gave the image a cheap, flimsy nature.
Very well done!
The secret of poetry is cruelty.--Jon Anderson
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