Melt

[Leanne]

Edit 1

I don't remember how the world turned grey
or why we stopped pretending -- just the way
we twisted into text and through our phones
we sank. I sent you sticks, you sent me stones,
but hurled at walls, all things will ricochet.

We drained her world of joyfulness and play
and as she fell beneath our sad melee
we argued about -- what? Libido? Loans?
I don't remember.

She heard it all but, mindful to obey,
she didn't interfere, just slipped away.
Please tell me how a penitent atones
for bringing forth the flesh and leaving bones?
The sun will never dawn upon a day
I don't remember.

Original 

I don't remember how the world turned grey
or why we stopped pretending -- just the way
we twisted into text and through our phones
we sank. I sent you sticks, you sent me stones,
and neither of us watched the ricochet.

We drained her world of joyfulness and play
and as she fell beneath our sad melee
we argued about -- what? Libido? Loans?
I don't remember.

She heard it all but, mindful to obey,
she didn't interfere, just slipped away.
Please tell me how a penitent atones
for bringing forth the flesh and leaving bones?
Dear God, no words remain, but still I pray
I don't remember.

[justcloudy]

Leanne,

As soon as "she" is mentioned the poem takes on a different tone. I had to reread the first stanza after reading the first line of the second to understand the new take. And I liked that. Some comments below.

I don't remember how the world turned grey
or why we stopped pretending -- just the way
we twisted into text and through our phones  I love this image
we sank. I sent you sticks, you sent me stones,
and neither of us watched the ricochet. maybe "but" instead of "and"? either way this line seems a bit wordy

We drained her world of joyfulness and play
and as she fell beneath our sad melee  "and as she fell beneath" is a bit of a mouthful
we argued about -- what? Libido? Loans?
I don't remember.

She heard it all but, mindful to obey, "mindful" threw me off here but I can't figure out exactly why
she didn't interfere, just slipped away.
Please tell me how a penitent atones
for bringing forth the flesh and leaving bones? Maybe cut out "the"? This and the line above are beautiful and haunting. It feels done here, the rest doesn't add much, as God is already invoked, and I didn't find the repetition of "I don't remember" very strong.
Dear God, no words remain, but still I pray
I don't remember.

Just thoughts.

-jc

[Leanne]

Hi JC, thanks very much for your thoughts I'll take your comments into consideration when I revise, although of course I do have to be careful not to disrupt the form. I appreciate you stopping by.

[billy]

hi leane. a well executed rondeau [not that i'm any kind of expert, i checked out the rules for it in the poetry exercise threads] i wouldn't expect any less of you.
while it reads extremely well i can't grasp core of the poem. at first i thought it about a loved pet. but the text and phones changed my mind. now my mind is stuck on a child. no line by line from me but i would have liked a little less ambiguity; of course it could just be me the reader being thick, it has been known to happen before

the sonics are a pleasure to the ear, the end rhymes spot on. good alliteration littered throughout the piece.

I don't remember how the world turned grey
or why we stopped pretending -- just the way
we twisted into text and through our phones
we sank. I sent you sticks, you sent me stones,
and neither of us watched the ricochet.

We drained her world of joyfulness and play
and as she fell beneath our sad melee
we argued about -- what? Libido? Loans?
I don't remember.

She heard it all but, mindful to obey,
she didn't interfere, just slipped away.
Please tell me how a penitent atones
for bringing forth the flesh and leaving bones?
Dear God, no words remain, but still I pray
I don't remember.

[Leanne]

Yes, a child. Cheers billy.

[justcloudy]

Hi JC, thanks very much for your thoughts  I'll take your comments into consideration when I revise, although of course I do have to be careful not to disrupt the form.  I appreciate you stopping by.

Hope you can make the structure work to your advantage at the end! Well, I'm saying hope, but actually I'm sure you'll be able to. ;p

[aschueler]

Strange, I posted something earlier but it isn't here. It was of course brilliant and had the word ennui in it.

So let me paraphrase:




I don't remember how the world turned grey
or why we stopped pretending -- just the way
we twisted into text and through our phones
we sank. I sent you sticks, you sent me stones,
and neither of us watched the ricochet.

We drained her world of joyfulness and play
and as she fell beneath our sad melee
we argued about -- what? Libido? Loans?
I don't remember.

She heard it all but, mindful to obey,
she didn't interfere, just slipped away.
Please tell me how a penitent atones
for bringing forth the flesh and leaving bones?
Dear God, no words remain, but still I pray
I don't remember.


As I noted in first post that either got deleted because it sucked (possible ) or I forgot to hit save (much more likely), I was that kid at one time. However, a male version. Anway, this may have been you as a kid, or the Mom, or just an observer. Or fake confessional It's close to reality, figured I would throw some thoughts about the way the imagery comes across ==> mostly quite good indeed. I should have looked up the format you used but didn't, so I may have more later.

The title is weird.

[Leanne]

Thanks for your helpful comments.  I shall imagine ennui somewhere in there

[Caleb Murdock]

I am famously dense when it comes to interpreting poems which are even slightly obscure, so perhaps I'm missing something here.

I don't remember how the world turned grey
or why we stopped pretending -- just the way
we twisted into text and through our phones
we sank. I sent you sticks, you sent me stones,
and neither of us watched the ricochet.

The grammar isn't right after the dash.  I've forgotten my grammar terms, but it is either a run-on phrase or it lacks parallelism, or something like that.

I don't remember how the world turned grey
or why we stopped pretending, just the way
we twisted into text.  Through our phones
we sank.  ...

That would fix the grammatical problem, but then you have a line with nine syllables.
There are some lovely images in there.

We drained her world of joyfulness and play
and as she fell beneath our sad melee
we argued about -- what? Libido? Loans?
I don't remember.

I can't for the life of me figure out who "her" refers to.  In the first stanza, you are saying "I" and "you", and in the second stanza, you are saying "she".  Have you switched from the first and second persons to the third?  Other people seem to understand, and this is why I say I'm a little dense.  When you are writing a poem, imagine that you are explaining something to someone, so you need to be clear.

She heard it all but, mindful to obey,
she didn't interfere, just slipped away.
Please tell me how a penitent atones
for bringing forth the flesh and leaving bones? Lovely images.
Dear God, no words remain, but still I pray
I don't remember.

[Leanne]

Thank you for your thoughts, Caleb.

[billy]

hi leanne. for me the edit made little change. and on further reading i'm not sure it was needed.
i really dug deep and saw the whole of the poem condensed in to one line;

for bringing forth the flesh and leaving bones?
while everything else supports it, this line more or less unlocks it.
i initially called ambiguity but the line opened it up to me; it still carries ambiguity, did the child physically die or did it just die inside. did you miss out on the child's life and feel guilty or were you guilty because you forgot about the presence. so no calls from me on the form. or the edit, both work as well as the other.

[Caleb Murdock]

So, is the "she" a conceived child? Conceived by the "I" and "you" of the first stanza?

[ellajam]

Hi, Leanne. For me this has been clear since my first read and that has stayed true. Apologies for not posting crit just because I couldn't suggest any changes, when I'd like to urge you not to change it, it's an eloquent poem on a topic we all can relate to whether we've been the N or family or friend of any party or sad observer. Some notes below.

Edit 1

I don't remember how the world turned grey
or why we stopped pretending -- just the way
we twisted into text and through our phones
we sank. I sent you sticks, you sent me stones,
but hurled at walls, all things will ricochet.
I prefer the original line here. While hurled at walls is fun to say, the line as a whole is lacking the immediacy and clarity of the dead on truth of the responsibility being taken by: we didn't watch

We drained her world of joyfulness and play
and as she fell beneath our sad melee
we argued about -- what? Libido? Loans?
I don't remember.
Again, taking responsibility in retrospect, a bit better than not at all and IME the most usual reponse in this situation. "She fell" is perfect, libido/loans says the whole, common story in two words and it's a sound use of the refrain.

She heard it all but, mindful to obey,
she didn't interfere, just slipped away.
Please tell me how a penitent atones
for bringing forth the flesh and leaving bones?
The sun will never dawn upon a day
I don't remember.
Ouch. I like the edit, it's a cliche for what unfortunately is a cliche situation, and has the desperation required. I get the original and it may be truer, or just another step along the way to acceptance of what it is too late to change. I guess I'm undecided here, sorry, no help.

Thanks for the read, haunting.

Quote:


Original

I don't remember how the world turned grey
or why we stopped pretending -- just the way
we twisted into text and through our phones
we sank. I sent you sticks, you sent me stones,
and neither of us watched the ricochet.

We drained her world of joyfulness and play
and as she fell beneath our sad melee
we argued about -- what? Libido? Loans?
I don't remember.

She heard it all but, mindful to obey,
she didn't interfere, just slipped away.
Please tell me how a penitent atones
for bringing forth the flesh and leaving bones?
Dear God, no words remain, but still I pray
I don't remember.

[Caleb Murdock]

Perhaps, in the future, I shouldn't comment on poems that I don't understand. (I'm very literal-minded and it takes a while for nuances to sink in.) Now that I have an interpretation of the poem that I think is right, I find it quite beautiful and moving (I am interpreting this as a fetus lost). I still think, however, an adjustment to the punctuation in the third line is needed:

we twisted into text; and through our phones

If my interpretation is correct, it's quite beautiful. The line about bones is breathtaking.

The original poem is better. However, I can't relate to the title.

[aschueler]

I think overall the edit clears things up especially the end. I also like the original ricochet line better.

Funny how different interpretations are here, I saw this clearly as divorcing parents who forgot about their daughter, who drifted off to ??? -- her own world perhaps in a good way or not, but not part of their lives anymore. Perhaps it was a pregnancy early lost, I didn't see that...but it's what it is. Regret. And well done for all that; but I still don't get melt. Makes me think of a sandwich.

[Caleb Murdock]

I think overall the edit clears things up especially the end. I also like the original ricochet line better.

Funny how different interpretations are here, I saw this clearly as divorcing parents who forgot about their daughter, who drifted off to ??? -- her own world perhaps in a good way or not, but not part of their lives anymore. Perhaps it was a pregnancy early lost, I didn't see that...but it's what it is. Regret. And well done for all that; but I still don't get melt. Makes me think of a sandwich.

I'm chuckling over this post. I'm glad to know that it isn't just me who doesn't immediately understand.

The poem could be either about a child or a fetus. If it is about a fetus, then how does the poet know the fetus is a girl? I can see a miscarriage being described as the fetus melting away, but a child doesn't just melt away. Also, how do you drain a fetus' world of play?

The description of the relationship in the first stanza makes it sound like this is a very new relationship, not a marriage. The mention of libido could be either about a new or an old relationship (lbido lost in the marriage, or perhaps libido lost from the pregnancy). Also, the mention of a "loan" could mean any kind of loan -- both new and married couples take out loans together.

If this is a child and not a fetus, there is no sense that "she" has any kind of character (a child would have a distinct character and a fetus would not). Also, the death of a child is a HUGE thing, and this poem is expressing mild grief.

The line about bringing forth flesh and leaving bones strikes me as something a poet might say about a fetus, but I guess that could be said of a child too -- though, again, some thoughts about the child's character would be appropriate.

Well, it looks like I'm still confused.

[justcloudy]

Leanne, I'm a big fan of the new second to last line, it makes it much more powerful. I like both ricochet lines. The old one sounded nicer but I like the meaning of the new one better.

Caleb, I read it as a marriage gone sour and in my mind "she" is a preteen girl still young enough to want to please and obey, but as things get dragged out and uglier between her parents she begins to emotionally distance herself. I extrapolate to imagine her getting involved in hard drugs etc, ending up totally numb and depressed, thus the bones vs a life. I like your miscarriage idea too. That's what I find so beautiful about poetry done well-- every reader brings his/her own experience to the poem and can see what makes most sense to them.

-jc

[Caleb Murdock]

Leanne, I'm a big fan of the new second to last line, it makes it much more powerful. I like both ricochet lines. The old one sounded nicer but I like the meaning of the new one better.

Caleb, I read it as a marriage gone sour and in my mind "she" is a preteen girl still young enough to want to please and obey, but as things get dragged out and uglier between her parents she begins to emotionally distance herself. I extrapolate to imagine her getting involved in hard drugs etc, ending up totally numb and depressed, thus the bones vs a life. I like your miscarriage idea too. That's what I find so beautiful about poetry done well-- every reader brings his/her own experience to the poem and can see what makes most sense to them.

You're probably right that this is about an older daughter, from these lines:

She heard it all but, mindful to obey,
she didn't interfere, just slipped away.

"Didn't interfere" and "slipped away" is something that an older child could do -- it would just mean "she left" (either emotionally of physically). On the other hand, a child who is that old doesn't usually still "play".

Another reason why I thought this poem might be about a miscarriage is the words "though our phones we sank", which made me think that this was a young couple. I immediately thought of texting, which is done more by the young than adults. However, the reference to "phones" could have just meant phone conversations.

"Bringing forth the flesh and leaving bones" clearly implies a death, and that gets me back to the feeling that the poem isn't expressing enough grief for it to be the death of a child -- but then, the speaker may have expressed the bulk of her grief in other poems.

At times I've found myself thinking that "she" refers to the female life-force "anima".

Despite what you say, JC, I do think a little more clarity would help the poem. But in a sense you are right: this poem will appeal to any woman who has lost either a fetus or a child.

[Leanne]

Thank you all for your interesting perspectives on this poem. If it were more clearly spelled out, it would no longer be the poem it ought to be, and this discussion indicates that all the required clues are indeed there. This, more than anything else, is the value of a workshop.

"Melt" is what happens to fat as it releases its energy. After a while, the same thing will happen to vital organs.

A child in this situation grows old quickly; parents in this situation, conversely, tend to act like children. Caleb, it's 2016. People born in 1995 are 21 this year -- and some of them are plenty old enough, and selfish enough, to have children.

I expect I will return to the original ricochet line. The second last line is just a placeholder for the moment as it doesn't exactly convey what I want it to, but it is closer than it was, so I will keep thinking about it.

I appreciate all your comments, thank you again.

[Achebe]

Hi Leanne. A bit late to the party. Hope it still makes sense:

Edit 1

I don't remember how the world turned grey   ....'world turned grey' is a bit stale. Perhaps 'which yesterday' or 'when yesterday' or anything other than the line used would be better. EDIT: I'm thinking of the cheese metaphor and how cheese turning grey means that it's gone off, but I'm not sure that's what you intended to convey here. Because it'd be perfect to parody with 'the world turned gruyere'.

or why we stopped pretending -- just the way 
we twisted into text and through our phones ....'twisted and sank' is a strange combination. Perhaps twisted and dove. Melted into text and sank. Although the liquid metaphor doesn't hold up well against sticks and stones in the next line.
EDIT: I read about the Cheese connection in a post above, so in that context the 'twisted' makes sense, but cheese twists don't sink, they crack. Also, cheese sticks makes sense, but cheese stones? 

we sank. I sent you sticks, you sent me stones,
but hurled at walls, all things will ricochet. ....I like this line. 'Ricochet' is a smart rhyme here.

We drained her world of joyfulness and play
and as she fell beneath our sad melee
we argued about -- what? Libido? Loans?
I don't remember.

She heard it all but, mindful to obey,
she didn't interfere, just slipped away.
Please tell me how a penitent atones
for bringing forth the flesh and leaving bones? ....not clear about the metaphor. I assume flesh = the body, and bones = the body stripped of its flesh, of its life, of its joy. In which case 'leaving bones' doesn't make sense. Or do you mean 'bringing forth the flesh but raising bones'? I can't help but think of 'raisin bones' there, so maybe 'rearing' might be better. Then again, I might have misinterpreted the metaphor
The sun will never dawn upon a day
I don't remember.