A Girl Through The Glass (edit #2.2)

[ellajam]

Edit #2.2

She's set apart, she's floating upside down.
All else seems right within this verdant town,
the goats to milk and fields of hay to scythe,
deep satisfaction in a farming life —
a happy world, why does she tumble 'round?

Her feet branch out above her like a crown
but still a smile when turned becomes a frown,
why would she fret with such a peaceful life?
She's set apart

beneath her house whose roof points at the ground,
below the billow of her azure gown
her face is blank. Her empty arms are lithe
but though her husband's near he sees no wife.
Her head hangs low, in floods the first to drown.
Her part is set.



She sets her part and turns the world her way,
above each high-rise peak and alleyway
the city is her own; she plants her feet,
stance rooted deep to guard against defeat
and draws the bold to join in her soiree.

With street-smarts edging her naiveté
her pages age like slow-sipped cabernet:
tart on the tongue, bouquet complex yet sweet.
She writes her part:

to cherish but move on from yesterday,
maintain her joie de vivre, a bit risqué
but cognizant of when to be discreet.
Her husband revels in her grin, replete
upon the bed she's made; they meet halfway
within her heart.

Edit #1

Chagall Through The Glass

She's set apart, she's floating upside down.
All else seems right within her verdant town
with goats to milk and fields of hay to scythe,
together animals and men are blithe:
a happy world, why does she tumble 'round?

Her feet sit high above her like a crown
but still a smile when turned becomes a frown,
why would she fret with such a peaceful life?
She's set apart

beneath her house whose roof points at the ground,
within the wedge split by her azure gown
her face is blank. Her empty arms are lithe
but though her husband's near he sees no wife.
Her head hangs low, in floods the first to drown.
Her part is set.



She sets her part and turns the world her way,
above the city's spikes her will holds sway.
She makes the scene her own and plants her feet,
stance rooted deep to guard against defeat
she draws the bold to join in her soiree.

With street-smarts edging her naiveté
she savors life like slow-sipped cabernet:
tart on the tongue, bouquet complex yet sweet.
She writes her part:

to cherish but move on from yesterday,
maintain her joie de vivre, a bit risqué
but knowing when to be discreet.
Her husband revels in her grin replete
upon the bed she's made, content they lay
within her heart.



Original:

A Girl Through The Glass
(raised on Carroll, Chagall and Steinem)

She's set apart, she's floating upside down.
All else seems right, a thriving farming town
with goats to milk and fields of hay to scythe,
together animals and men are blithe:
a happy world, why does she tumble 'round?

Her feet sit high above her like a crown
but still a smile when turned becomes a frown,
why would she fret with such a peaceful life?
She's set apart

beneath her house whose roof points at the ground.
Within the wedge split by her azure gown
her face is blank. Her empty arms are lithe
but though her husband's near he sees no wife.
Her head hangs low, in floods the first to drown.
Her part is set.



She has the strength to turn the world her way,
above the city's spikes her will holds sway.
She makes the scene her own and plants her feet,
stance rooted deep to guard against defeat;
she draws the bold to join in her soiree.

With street-smarts edging her naiveté
she savors life like slow-sipped cabernet;
just mildly buzzed, relaxed but still upbeat.
She has the strength

to cherish but move on from yesterday,
maintain her joie de vivre, a bit risqué
but knowing when to be discreet.
Her husband revels in her grin replete
upon the bed she's made, content they lay
within her strength.

(An attempt. Both Intensive and Mild critique are invited, critic's choice. )

[billy]

will give some feedback tomorrow ella, [Philippines election] lots to like so far

[ellajam]

will give some feedback tomorrow ella, [Philippines election] lots to like so far

No rush, I'm not going anywhere.

[Achebe]

Hi ella - I got the Chagall connection, but didn't see Carroll in this one (other than in the general theme of a girl tumbling through). No idea about Steinem - would it have worked if it'd been Naomi Wolf, for instance (on the Ali G show)?
Was this inspired by the NaPM picture theme?

A Girl Through The Glass
(raised on Carroll, Chagall and Steinem)

She's set apart, she's floating upside down.  
All else seems right, a thriving farming town...'thriving towns' are cliched, and the word does come across as filler. And I don't see anything in the poem to suggest a thriving town...you're making it up!
with goats to milk and fields of hay to scythe,
together animals and men are blithe: ..'together' is closer to 'toGETHER' rather than 'toGEther', and 'animals' as 'AN imals' so the metre feels a little off here, not really IP. Also, rhyming 'blithe' with 'scythe' is a little too predictable, like 'mountain' and 'fountain'.
a happy world, why does she tumble 'round?

Her feet sit high above her like a crown 
but still a smile when turned becomes a frown,
why would she fret with such a peaceful life? ...
She's set apart

beneath her house whose roof points at the ground. 
Within the wedge split by her azure gown
her face is blank. Her empty arms are lithe
but though her husband's near he sees no wife.
Her head hangs low, in floods the first to drown.
Her part is set.  ...nice reverse refrain. But why do you not repeat it?


She has the strength to turn the world her way,
above the city's spikes her will holds sway....'hold sway' - ugh
She makes the scene her own and plants her feet,
stance rooted deep to guard against defeat;
she draws the bold to join in her soiree.

With street-smarts edging her naiveté
she savors life like slow-sipped cabernet;
just mildly buzzed, relaxed but still upbeat.
She has the strength

to cherish but move on from yesterday,
maintain her joie de vivre, a bit risqué
but knowing when to be discreet.
Her husband revels in her grin replete
upon the bed she's made, content they lay
within her strength. ...didn't quite get this bit. I was expecting a Madame Bovariesque twist, but the ending has me confused.



(An attempt. Both Serious and Mild critique are invited, critic's choice. )

[ellajam]

Thank you, Achebe, very useful comments. I'd rather not comment yet on where this comes from so as  not to influence further crit, I'm trying to make this work as a whole, on its own.

First, thanks for pointing out that "thriving" could be cut. I'm laughing that you can accept her floating upside down but not the town, , but I am not arguing your view, it's hard to tell how much fantasy can stand.

Thanks for pointing out the weak meter in L4, I'm sure that can be strengthened. I like blithe/scythe, I think because they are words I don't usually say but I'll think about how I've used scythe, whether or not it carries over well.


Great idea to use the same refrain for the second part, maybe it should have been obvious to me but it wasn't and I'm pretty sure I can make it work. I didn't like "strength" anyway, just wasn't sure what to replace it with. Thank you.

Good point on "holds sway", it's an odd term with good meaning but I get your ugh.

I like the ending so far, we'll see what happens.

Thanks so much for your time and the use of your brain.

[billy]

no idea who the 2nd two are
the title connects it well enough to carroll for it to work.

i enjoyed it ella but to be honest i felt i got a bit more yellow brick dorothy than alice. will come back for a few more reads.

A Girl Through The Glass
(raised on Carroll, Chagall and Steinem)

She's set apart, she's floating upside down.
All else seems right, a thriving farming town the 2nd part feels a bit like filler.
with goats to milk and fields of hay to scythe,
together animals and men are blithe:
a happy world, why does she tumble 'round? is she tumbling or floating?

Her feet sit high above her like a crown nice image. creates an oddity
but still a smile when turned becomes a frown,
why would she fret with such a peaceful life?
She's set apart like the refrain

beneath her house whose roof points at the ground.
Within the wedge split by her azure gown
her face is blank. Her empty arms are lithe lithe /wife might just make it
but though her husband's near he sees no wife.
Her head hangs low, in floods the first to drown.
Her part is set. nicely done



She has the strength to turn the world her way,
above the city's spikes her will holds sway.
She makes the scene her own and plants her feet,
stance rooted deep to guard against defeat;
she draws the bold to join in her soiree. why no refrain, i think it would add oddles

With street-smarts edging her naiveté
she savors life like slow-sipped cabernet; do they rhyme?
just mildly buzzed, relaxed but still upbeat. ?
She has the strength

to cherish but move on from yesterday,
maintain her joie de vivre, a bit risqué
but knowing when to be discreet.
Her husband revels in her grin replete
upon the bed she's made, content they lay
within her strength. feels like you tacked this on instead of thinking about a better line.



(An attempt. Both Serious and Mild critique are invited, critic's choice. )

[ellajam]

Thanks, billy, for the read and comments. Agree L2 needs work. I can tumble while floating, can't you?

So glad you like L6, it was one I struggled about keeping, didn't think it would stand up, it appreciates your vote of confidence. The no refrain where you want one is because it's a double rondeau and there's not supposed to be a refrain there, but that doesn't mean there can't be one. I'll think about it, thanks.

Naivete is iffy, I've heard it pronounced naIVEtay and naIVeTAY. Agree the last line need to change, I'm working on Achebe's idea to use the same refrain throughout.

Much appreciated.

[Todd]

Hi Ella,

Here are some comments for you.

A Girl Through The Glass—I like the title, but I’m not a fan of the parenthetical part. It feels like you’re cheating in the allusions. I’d rather the poem brought them out. Though Carroll is clearly referenced in the title.
(raised on Carroll, Chagall and Steinem)

She's set apart, she's floating upside down.—I love the surreal quality of this line. It is a good follow up from the title. She has entered somewhere or a state of mind that sets her at odds with normal reality.
All else seems right, a thriving farming town—Taking this first phrase, she then does not seem right, but to whom is that addressed. Is there an observer? The reader as omniscient observer? Or she does not seem right to herself. Or from an aerial view she is the one thing that doesn’t go with everything else. Thriving farming town seems too shorthand to me, though I realize it’s a transitional phrase to place the idea of the she in the poem being at odds with a pastoral predictable life.
with goats to milk and fields of hay to scythe,--I like the concrete examples here. I think for the line above something that just establishing the setting in the matter a fact style of this line might work.
together animals and men are blithe:
a happy world, why does she tumble 'round?—Normally I would take issue with a happy world but I think it works here because it feels slightly facetious. I take the tumble round part as being dissatisfied with the life choice before her.

Her feet sit high above her like a crown—another great surreal image. The fact that you end with a crown gives the disquiet at her apparent lack of fit with her surroundings a positive feel.
but still a smile when turned becomes a frown,--Great line. This also brings an interesting interpretation with the last line. It may be saying there is an apparent sense that she is in control (crown sovereignty) but in reality she is out of control.
why would she fret with such a peaceful life?—This line feels like it has already been addressed above, I’m not sure what new ground this line introduces.
She's set apart

beneath her house whose roof points at the ground. –at the ground or to the ground? Again great opening image. This stanza holds together well for me.
Within the wedge split by her azure gown—like the introduction of color 
her face is blank. Her empty arms are lithe—good descriptive line like the goats and hay above.
but though her husband's near he sees no wife.—nice parallel structure with the smile/frown line. The symmetry makes this more interesting. 
Her head hangs low, in floods the first to drown.—A bit ominous that lack of control has threat and consequence.
Her part is set.—Seems a bit pre-determined, fatalistic. I like it.



She has the strength to turn the world her way,
above the city's spikes her will holds sway.—The promise that the crown gave us is coming to pass.
She makes the scene her own and plants her feet,--she shifts the world to her perspective.
stance rooted deep to guard against defeat;
she draws the bold to join in her soiree.—Just noting the beginning of French words. The language choice seems to emphasize freedom.

With street-smarts edging her naiveté
she savors life like slow-sipped cabernet;--Nice image
just mildly buzzed, relaxed but still upbeat.—I’d rather see a “but” line like the first two that has an interesting image to go along with it. This line while not bad left me flat.
She has the strength

to cherish but move on from yesterday,
maintain her joie de vivre, a bit risqué
but knowing when to be discreet.—same comment as above for this “but” line.
Her husband revels in her grin replete
upon the bed she's made, content they lay—bed she’s made is a bit cliché.
within her strength.—The two strength endings feel repetitive.

I hope some of that helps.

Best,

Todd

[billy]

if you're working to a form, ignore what i said about the refrain. sometimes the reader has no idea what they're talking about

Thanks, billy, for the read and comments. Agree L2 needs work. I can tumble while floating, can't you?

So glad you like L6, it was one I struggled about keeping, didn't think it would stand up, it appreciates your vote of confidence. The no refrain where you want one is because it's a double rondeau and there's not supposed to be a refrain there, but that doesn't mean there can't be one. I'll think about it, thanks.

Naivete is iffy, I've heard it pronounced naIVEtay and naIVeTAY. Agree the last line need to change, I'm working on Achebe's idea to use the same refrain throughout.

Much appreciated.

[ellajam]

if you're working to a form, ignore what i said about the refrain. sometimes the reader has no idea what they're talking about

Thanks, billy, for the read and comments. Agree L2 needs work. I can tumble while floating, can't you?

So glad you like L6, it was one I struggled about keeping, didn't think it would stand up, it appreciates your vote of confidence. The no refrain where you want one is because it's a double rondeau and there's not supposed to be a refrain there, but that doesn't mean there can't be one. I'll think about it, thanks.

Naivete is iffy, I've heard it pronounced naIVEtay and naIVeTAY. Agree the last line need to change, I'm working on Achebe's idea to use the same refrain throughout.

Much appreciated.

Nope, when squishing two poems into one anything that helps is worth considering.

[ellajam]

You give great crit, Todd, can't thank you enough.

The parenthetical part of the title came first but I thought it was too boring, I think you're right that I should make the poem work without references.

You've given me great ideas of what to keep and what to work on and made me think it might be worthwhile staying on my current path with this, just try to do it better.

Thanks for the encouragement and your time.

[Achebe]

Ella - just a thought: the tin man (right corner big face) in the Chagall picture is pretty surreal. Also suggests Dorothy tumbling round in the Tornado. So basically Oz is no magical place. The goats have to be milked. Too many random connections, maybe but I'm a big fan of tiny allusions. Your call!

Also I type like this on the phone. Still intelligible hopefully.

[ellajam]

Ella - just a thought: the tin man (right corner big face) in the Chagall picture is pretty surreal. Also suggests Dorothy tumbling round in the Tornado. So basically Oz is no magical place. The goats have to be milked. Too many random connections, maybe but I'm a big fan of tiny allusions. Your call!

Also I type like this on the phone. Still intelligible hopefully.

I know, I have been thinking about Oz since billy's post. I'm going to think on whether or not it's better than Carroll and I won't use Oz directly in a title I'm not that much of a whore. But it's got me thinking.

[71degrees]

I like how the last line of each stanza could be a poem all in itself. Not sure if that is intentional or not. But I can see it. I like it.

Are the three names really needed? I get the Alice connection w/o mentioning either her or the author. By the time you take to the "street" I have left Alice behind and am not all that impressed by your trying to connect me to the other two. Maybe I'm just not all that familiar with them to notice innuendo or reference (?) It's my opinion the poem can stand by itself w/o the beginning name dropping. Readers don't need to know everything. It can be your little secret and if someone says, hey, were you really channeling Chagall in there?

Love reading your stuff. We're all "mildly buzzed" at a young age. Especially when we try to fade into the seams of the big city. Some don't even need wine.

[ellajam]

Heeey, 71, hi, thanks for stopping in. Yep, it was a chicken shit way to try to push the reader where I needed them to go, I didn't have enough confidence in the poem that it could make it all the way. I'll chuck that. Thanks for the yea on the mildly buzzed, I'm still mildly buzzed but it was at risk, now I'll keep it when I do the edit shuffle.

Much appreciate the read and comments.

[Quixilated]

Hi Ella,
I keep reading this. I was trying to find something helpful to say, so that I would have an excuse to tell you how much I like it. I finally gave up and am just telling you anyway. I especially like:

"her face is blank. Her empty arms are lithe
but though her husband's near he sees no wife.
Her head hangs low, in floods the first to drown.
Her part is set."

and,

"She has the strength to turn the world her way,
above the city's spikes her will holds sway.
She makes the scene her own and plants her feet,"

and,
"Her husband revels in her grin"

Also, it really helped me understand the poem to have the names there for reference. Without, I don't know that I would have quite seen it the same way. At first read I must admit, I thought she was happily floating around. ;P

Anyway, that's all. Loved it.
--Quix

[ellajam]

Thanks so much for the read and comments, Quix. Sometimes people forget how much of a help it is when people point put specifics that they like, it sometimes keeps a line off the cutting room floor.

Maybe I'll try to think of a title that at least keeps Chagall. I don't know, maybe he saw her happily floating around too, I can only see through my own eyes. Art.

You like the lines with "hold sway", I'm wondering if you think it that phrase needs replacement, I'm up in the air.

[Quixilated]

To be honest, I don't see anything wrong with "hold sway," I am trying to see what you don't like, and it's not bothering me. (However, I use archaic and made up words in every day life, so I'm probably not the best judge). It says what it means to, it says what IS (does that make sense?). If you do change the words, just don't change the meaning. She could have simply found a place where everything is already upside-down like she is, a place to belong as they say. Instead you have her turn the entire world upside-down by sheer force of will and then hold it down with her feet. It's such a strong image, such a drastic change from a faceless girl who is helplessly floating around in circles. I wish you could see the movie version I have in my head, very inspiring. As for the name debate, I don't know if this is done, but you could compromise and put the information in a footnote. That way people who like to solve the puzzle without the clues can have the mystery, but people who need a little help have a sort of cheat sheet. Is that a thing? Can you put clues in a footnote without it being Norton's Anthology? I don't know. Anyway. If you do take the scissors to this piece, please don't change too much, at least not the heart of it.
--Quix

[ellajam]

Thanks for the response, Quix, the edit will be gentle and I'll see if I can put a hint in.

[ellajam]

Finally, a first edit. I think there are still weak spots, if anyone would like to take another, or first, swing at it that would be great, still work to do here. Thanks so much for the fabulous crit you've offered already.