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The neighbourhood action committee
meets every Thursday at Flanagan’s.
Mitzie orders a Shirley Temple with lime,
Robert has two pints of English stout,
and Donald gets a rum and coke.
They gripe about the kids
making noise, smoking pot in the parks,
and spray painting curse words
all over town.
Sometimes, they go bowling afterwards.
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Hi Wjames
Not much crit on a line by line basis. (punctuation looks sound to me and the lines are perfectly plain).
My only comment was it was a bit predictable and on my first turn through I miss read it -- turned it around to make the committee members the perpetrators that trash the place...so they can have something to action.
S3
They gripe about the kids;
they make a noise, smoke pot in the parks,
and spray paint curse words
all over town.
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I like the feel to this. Homey but in a indie-movie edgy kind of way. It paints a nice picture but leaves me wanting more-- I picture it happening somewhere in rural Britain. Take me there, or to small town American or wherever it is you want it to be.
After Thursday I kept reading night.
Also the three names don't say a lot (to me anyway). They could do more work for you. As could the title.
Just thoughts.
-jc
_______________________________________
The howling beast is back.
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Love the wry comment of this. The meter of the first stanza is beat perfect and I would enjoy the rest if it matched metrically a bit better. Except for the final line which is perfect.
I am confused by the title, and think it could add more to the poem's impact -- who's getting the action? Though if the title is meant as a comment about how this kind of thing drives the narrator crazy, that makes sense but could be made clearer.
Minor quibbles, all. Enjoyed the read!
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my only problem with it is the title and the "english" stout" "stout" i feel should be stout enough to suffice. okay my only two problems..... the title give me as a reader nowt. maybe i'm missing something?
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May be all wet here, but about the title - could it be a wink at "beside(s) myself," that is, the speaker is also a member of the committee, or even one of those named? If so, it would reinforce the "involved but not involved" theme.
(Obviously, I looked at the other critiques already, so no more on this one.)
Non-practicing atheist
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Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I'll try and expand upon this one, and will more than likely change the title as well. I've been busy with real life at the moment, and will hopefully have more time to focus on poetry in the next few weeks.
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Hello, Wjames. The poem gives a nice, familiar feeling that is nostalgic and familiar. I feel like I have watched your poem in a scene to a movie, which works as a positive and a negative. This familiar feeling makes the poem somewhat predictable. I would suggest considering developing your characters to add depth. This might take away from the brevity of your poem, but I think you keep the overall structure, while also giving the poem a new feeling. What if your characters made a plan to act on their feelings? What if they made a plan, but they just went bowling instead? I like your poem but it feels a little flat and familiar.
