~Seeds~

[KittyL]

~Seeds~
From a Guilty Heart to a Broken Soul
Inspired by Orson Scott Card, T.S.Elliot, and a friend of mine who called himself my poet.

---

I'm sorry
Sorry sorry please
  Seeds of death within me dwell
This silence, like a winter freeze
The sorrow of a broken soul

Your goddess 
Was created not
  They find their feed in happiness 
To dwell above the one she thought
A flame that could not go amiss

That word
With power to change a heart
  Their joy in my repeated pain
Innocent bond that ne'er would part
Το shinning screen, a hidden stain

My mind
With guns and knives it asks
  They grow in all I dare to touch
An empty soul, not made to last
A fallen world, not made for us
     ~s.a.

[Queerventions]

This may be because I'm not an experienced poet or an english major lol
This was kind of hard to follow.
Mentioning dwell more than once so close to each other felt a little like you couldn't find another synonym to follow.

Using four different words: sorry, goddess, word, and mind, were you trying to create a narrative or 4 different themes?
Maybe I'm just asking to understand the format.

[humility]

The first paragraph made me think of either an illness or murderous/suicidal intent. As what else could seeds of death grow into? The second paragraph seemed like gibberish to me. Third paragraph less gibberishy I guess, people mocking someone? Well with the 'seeds of death' from the first paragraph, the fourth paragraph makes me think of someone being tempted to head out and kill everyone mocking/doing mean things to the narrator. The earworm quality wasn't that bad I guess. But the subject matter to me felt like something the generic emo kid in a By the numbers TV series would write.

[LunaDeLore]

~Seeds~
From a Guilty Heart to a Broken Soul
Inspired by Orson Scott Card, T.S.Elliot, and a friend of mine who called himself my poet.

---

I'm sorry
Sorry sorry please ------- too much sorry...something more like  I'm sorry, sorry please... may work better
  Seeds of death within me dwell
This silence, like a winter freeze
The sorrow of a broken soul

Your goddess --------- not sure where this fits into the whole of the work
Was created not
  They find their feed in happiness
To dwell above the one she thought --------- the use of dwell is too redundant here maybe using swell instead would be better
A flame that could not go amiss

That word
With power to change a heart
  Their joy in my repeated pain
Innocent bond that ne'er would part
Το shinning screen, a hidden stain ------ I'm not sure where screen comes in and the imagery here is not to favour. Maybe something like a shinning scene would work better

My mind
With guns and knives it asks
  They grow in all I dare to touch
An empty soul, not made to last
A fallen world, not made for us ------- I like how you ended here
     ~s.a.

I'm not sure what your goal was here, and I feel like this piece is an apology with the way each strophe begins; I'm sorry, The Goddess, That word, My mind. And if the work is about saying something like "Fuck Isis" to someone, or a group of someones, then is should be revised to convey more of an apology; as it reads now it's almost laborious to try to connect all parts of the work. For example, how does S1 fuse with S2 and so on? And if you ask yourself these things when revising you could come out with a really good piece.

Keep writing,

Luna

[homer1950]

~Seeds~
From a Guilty Heart to a Broken Soul
Inspired by Orson Scott Card, T.S.Elliot, and a friend of mine who called himself my poet.

---

I'm sorry
Sorry sorry please
  Seeds of death within me dwell
This silence, like a winter freeze
The sorrow of a broken soul

Your goddess 
Was created not
  They find their feed in happiness 
To dwell above the one she thought
A flame that could not go amiss

That word
With power to change a heart
  Their joy in my repeated pain
Innocent bond that ne'er would part
Το shinning screen, a hidden stain

My mind
With guns and knives it asks
  They grow in all I dare to touch
An empty soul, not made to last
A fallen world, not made for us
     ~s.a.

This might sound like a repeated critique. Your poem while sounding lofty and ethereal in parts, does not make sense. The stanzas feel like stand alones rather then connected. Your imagery is very good and meter was fine also. Perhaps in a re- write you could bring more clarity to the piece.

Thanks Homer

[Taboosun]

Your poem does not express any coherent meaning. Now, I'm not trying to badh your deeply metaphorical style because you can convey ideas and concepts metaphorically. Thats actually how most poetry is. I suggest that you work on writing lines of poetry tbat transition into other lines of poetry to get across what your trying to say. I say this because there are lines in your poetry that wtand alone in their own meaning, but when you read the next line it has nothing to do with the forever. Now in a whole piece of poetry I believe that it is necessary at times to begin introducing a new idea based on the theme. It's just here you see to not stay with one idea long enough about the theme of the piece.

So work on tying your ideas together into each verse. I would sparingly introduce new ideas, but I suggest you try adding in new ideas at different points in the poetic piece. Hint. The reader wants to be told a story and taken on a journey and they wont appreciate breaks in expression by stand alone praises that don't relate to the theme. Good luck. Improve on this one thing and that will be a big step. Oh and feel free to pm me some more of your work. I can give you more advice that way. And I apologize if my thoughts didn't come across right.

[psychonaut]

I enjoyed the finish of your poem, and it left me with a good taste in my mouth, however I also had trouble connecting the dots sometimes. I didn't get the shining screen reference but perhaps I'm just being thick. I did not care for the first couple lines of the poem and I thought they did not flow like they should anyway with all the sorry's and did not add enough contextually to make them worth it I.M.O. Maybe a different intro?

[Lizzie]

I think that there's some really wonderful content here, I'm just not being able to emotionally connect with the pain that I can see on the page. I wonder, and this is just a thought, if you might consider trying this in the Villanelle form. The last two lines were the most powerful for me, and would do well as the repeated lines throughout the poem. The repetition and rhyme in that form could give the reader a sense of continuity throughout the lines, which feel a bit disconnected from each other. All the best to you!

[billy]

this a workshop. if we make blanket statements like the ones below we help no one. give reasons. 2nd, this is the novice forum and while we always ask for honesty we do hope some kindness or thoughtfulness in replies./mod

The first paragraph made me think of either an illness or murderous/suicidal intent. As what else could seeds of death grow into? The second paragraph seemed like gibberish to me. Third paragraph less gibberishy I guess, people mocking someone? Well with the 'seeds of death' from the first paragraph, the fourth paragraph makes me think of someone being tempted to head out and kill everyone mocking/doing mean things to the narrator. The earworm quality wasn't that bad I guess. But the subject matter to me felt like something the generic emo kid in a By the numbers TV series would write.

[Joseph Didis]

~Seeds~
From a Guilty Heart to a Broken Soul
Inspired by Orson Scott Card, T.S.Elliot, and a friend of mine who called himself my poet.

---

I'm sorry
Sorry sorry please
  Seeds of death within me dwell    I think this should be the first line, dive in at the deep end
This silence, like a winter freeze
The sorrow of a broken soul
                                                    And maybe put "I'm sorry, sorry please" here

Your goddess 
Was created not
  They find their feed in happiness 
To dwell above the one she thought
A flame that could not go amiss     I don't get the last line, feels like the rest of paragraph builds up for something cool so I would revise the last line, at least to me it feels disconnected

That word     subtle, nice
With power to change a heart
  Their joy in my repeated pain
Innocent bond that ne'er would part
Το shinning screen, a hidden stain

My mind
With guns and knives it asks
  They grow in all I dare to touch
An empty soul, not made to last
A fallen world, not made for us    Really like this ending too!
     ~s.a.

Pretty cool poem, thank you for sharing it.

[kolemath]

Thanks for sharing!  I can definitely hear Eliot in these lines.

~Seeds~
From a Guilty Heart to a Broken Soul
Inspired by Orson Scott Card, T.S.Elliot, and a friend of mine who called himself my poet.

---

I'm sorry
Sorry sorry please
  Seeds of death within me dwell
This silence, like a winter freeze
The sorrow of a broken soul ----does a broken soul apologize? why?

Your goddess 
Was created not
  They find their feed in happiness ---who's they?  I like the alliteration of "find their feed!"
To dwell above the one she thought
A flame that could not go amiss  ---I'm confused by the imagery here. Who's dwelling? Dwelling above a flame? Do flames "go amiss?" How so?

That word
With power to change a heart
  Their joy in my repeated pain ---How is the heart changed if in "repeated pain?"
Innocent bond that ne'er would part ---It's my opinion to avoid archaic forms, case in point: "ne'er." Write the modern form?
Το shinning screen, a hidden stain ---Totally Prufrock here!

My mind
With guns and knives it asks
  They grow in all I dare to touch ---What grows? "Guns and knives?"
An empty soul, not made to last
A fallen world, not made for us---Great closing lines!
     ~s.a.

Thanks for sharing!!!

[Slix343]

~Seeds~
From a Guilty Heart to a Broken Soul
Inspired by Orson Scott Card, T.S.Elliot, and a friend of mine who called himself my poet.

---

I'm sorry Becareful when starting a poem off like this because it ties everything in the poem afterwards to the idea of an apology. Other than that it is a very good opening.
Sorry sorry please Repeating yourself is good. Humans hate listening to things they ought to so perhaps move the apology to repeat sorry throughout the poem rather than squeezing it in here twice.
  Seeds of death within me dwell
This silence, like a winter freeze This idea of a winter freeze is well placed right after the mention of seeds. Seeds planted in winter do pretty shitty. However there is little connecting it with the idea the seeds here are seeds of death. The connection here seems to be of silence. 
The sorrow of a broken soul Possible infertility joke here. Note that Soul sounds an awful lot like Soil

Your goddess 
Was created not It seems like these two lines were meant to be connected, but are to be thought of separately. This is fine, but if so you should use a lowercase to connect them. 
  They find their feed in happiness 
To dwell above the one she thought
A flame that could not go amiss Flame of life? assured never to go amiss meaning there was a sense that it would never go out?

That word
With power to change a heart
  Their joy in my repeated pain
Innocent bond that ne'er would part Careful with this Olde English stuff. It can have implications beyond just looking neat. I'm not to familiar with this one but you may or may not be aware that it has a specific meaning related to the omitted sounds.
Το shinning screen, a hidden stain

My mind
With guns and knives it asks
  They grow in all I dare to touch
An empty soul, not made to last
A fallen world, not made for us This last line creates an idea of communion which goes very well with the opening. 
     ~s.a.

Overall the poem is to me at least, about some sort of miscarrage. The poem opens with an apology and things such as the seed of death, winter encroaching upon a soul and a flame thought impossible to be snuffed give the idea this is a woman apologizing that her baby died. The last line is that of the woman stating that the 'us' of one man and one woman becoming whole through the creation of a child together has not come to fruition. Now the speaker in this poem apologizes to her mate out of self hatred, perhaps blaming herself for not being able to give life.

[msredd]

~Seeds~
From a Guilty Heart to a Broken Soul
Inspired by Orson Scott Card, T.S.Elliot, and a friend of mine who called himself my poet.

---

I'm sorry
Sorry sorry please I really like these 2 first lines, they seem very real to me? like something you'd say in a desperate sort of conversation
  Seeds of death within me dwell I wonder if you could expand more clearly on the seeds metaphor since you've titled your poem after it?
This silence, like a winter freeze
The sorrow of a broken soul

Your goddess 
Was created not
  They find their feed in happiness who is they? maybe be more clear about who you're referring to
To dwell above the one she thought
A flame that could not go amiss

That word I'm not sure if you're referring to a specific word here
With power to change a heart
  Their joy in my repeated pain
Innocent bond that ne'er would part
Το shinning screen, a hidden stain

My mind
With guns and knives it asks
  They grow in all I dare to touch
An empty soul, not made to last
A fallen world, not made for us
     ~s.a.

I think overall I'd say be more clear and specific as to who you're referring to and what you're talking about with your words? I wonder if you could include more repetition as you did in the beginning with "sorry," especially since the less formal tone of those first two lines doesn't seem to quite match the rest of the poem. I like the last three lines, especially "not made to last" and "not made for us."