Posts: 13
Threads: 2
Joined: Feb 2016
I had previously posted this under "novice". However, I'd like to seriously work on improving this piece and learning more.
A thread so soft,
smooth,
gentle,
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections,
passionately fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
Original
A thread so soft
smooth
gentle
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections
passionately, fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
Threads merged/mod
Thread closed as the OP states they are abandoning this piece./admin
This is a really interesting piece because you've zoomed in on a very small subject and described it quite beautifully. The only critique I have is your usage of punctuation. Generally when there is no punctuation at the end of a line you read the next line in the stanza. This became a problem for me because you had times where you used no commas such as "A thread so soft smooth gentle coy" which is read like that. This isn't a problem if that is the stylistic direction you wish to take, however you go on to use commas later on "animosity, affections passionately, fluttered." where they do not necessarily assist in getting the poems tone across. I guess what I'm saying is to choose one way you want the poem to be read, or to just change where you want your commas to be. This is the only thing I took issue with, and overall your ability to convey an image to the reader is very strong. Kudos!
Posts: 58
Threads: 6
Joined: Apr 2016
(04-17-2016, 10:10 PM)Shrewbe Wrote: A thread so soft
smooth
gentle
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections
passionately, fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
I too like the theme, the idea of taking me the reader into this small (normally) unseen world.
A couple of comments I would have for you is about word choices.
L-4 coy- I believe you did not mean; “to hold back details” (which is one definition of of coy).
I think you were alluding to something akin to a woman's attributes. If that were the case would you consider instead of coy- flirtatious
L-10 Last word- disheveled - gives the feeling of having lost its decadence (as described in the previous line) by the wind. Then L-11 strong attributes are re-associated with the piece of thread. L-13 passionately, fluttered- so the dilemma for me is; “how can a disheveled thread now flutter passionately?”
Lastly these words do not seem to fit together well: L-11 and L-12 -modesty, animosity, affections-
Modesty- is that shyness -from first section- gentleness, smooth, coy (that was a good choice of word to continue the feel of the piece)
Animosity- to harbor ill will- it feels like a disassociated characteristic (was not revealed earlier in the work)
Affections- animosity could be a type of affection, same as gentleness. Wouldn’t using the word affections, be somewhat redundant following anomosity and gentleness?
Thank you for the read I did enjoy it. 
Posts: 13
Threads: 2
Joined: Feb 2016
A thread so soft
smooth
gentle
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections
passionately, fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone. (04-18-2016, 02:54 AM)Aidoneus Wrote:
This is a really interesting piece because you've zoomed in on a very small subject and described it quite beautifully. The only critique I have is your usage of punctuation. Generally when there is no punctuation at the end of a line you read the next line in the stanza. This became a problem for me because you had times where you used no commas such as "A thread so soft smooth gentle coy" which is read like that. This isn't a problem if that is the stylistic direction you wish to take, however you go on to use commas later on "animosity, affections passionately, fluttered." where they do not necessarily assist in getting the poems tone across. I guess what I'm saying is to choose one way you want the poem to be read, or to just change where you want your commas to be. This is the only thing I took issue with, and overall your ability to convey an image to the reader is very strong. Kudos!
Thanks for taking the time to critique this!
Now that you bring it to my notice, I do agree that I should choose a "tone" and stick by it.
I wanted to sort of give pauses in the first line but I realize that I failed to achieve that without using the commas there.
How about this?
A thread, so soft - any suggestions on the punctuation for this bit?
smooth,
gentle,
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections,
passionately fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
(04-18-2016, 11:41 AM)homer1950 Wrote: (04-17-2016, 10:10 PM)Shrewbe Wrote: A thread so soft
smooth
gentle
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections
passionately, fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
I too like the theme, the idea of taking me the reader into this small (normally) unseen world.
A couple of comments I would have for you is about word choices.
L-4 coy- I believe you did not mean; “to hold back details” (which is one definition of of coy).
I think you were alluding to something akin to a woman's attributes. If that were the case would you consider instead of coy- flirtatious
L-10 Last word- disheveled - gives the feeling of having lost its decadence (as described in the previous line) by the wind. Then L-11 strong attributes are re-associated with the piece of thread. L-13 passionately, fluttered- so the dilemma for me is; “how can a disheveled thread now flutter passionately?”
Lastly these words do not seem to fit together well: L-11 and L-12 -modesty, animosity, affections-
Modesty- is that shyness -from first section- gentleness, smooth, coy (that was a good choice of word to continue the feel of the piece)
Animosity- to harbor ill will- it feels like a disassociated characteristic (was not revealed earlier in the work)
Affections- animosity could be a type of affection, same as gentleness. Wouldn’t using the word affections, be somewhat redundant following anomosity and gentleness?
Thank you for the read I did enjoy it.
Thank you for taking the time out to critique this!
Yes in L-4 I was going for the "pretense of shyness" or "modesty" meaning. Flirtatious would change the meaning for me, significantly. However If you do have any suggestions for another word with a similar meaning to coy, I'd love to know!
L-13 I intended on using passionate to denote the intensity of the disarray - sort of like the usage in the following sentence "Passionate pleas for help".
But perhaps I should look into alternate words which afford the same meaning.
Yes I was a bit concerned of the same, that animosity kind of springs upon the reader out of no where. So I'll definitely spend some time revising that.
Thank you so much once again!
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Joined: Oct 2015
The adjectives add nothing to the poem in S1 and Everywhere else.
The period in S1 should come after S2, with acma after "bit by bit"
A gush of wind is strange. Liquids gush. Gust is what you mean.
Not clear how threads can be modest.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
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(04-18-2016, 08:00 PM)Achebe Wrote: The adjectives add nothing to the poem in S1 and Everywhere else.
The period in S1 should come after S2, with acma after "bit by bit"
A gush of wind is strange. Liquids gush. Gust is what you mean.
Not clear how threads can be modest.
Thank you so much for taking the time out and critiquing this!
This is definitely a work in progress. What If I develop the metaphor of the thread so as to make it a clear metaphor for the unraveling of a person. The Idea of deconstructing themselves. I was thinking of doing that in the context of a woman, if I'm able to revise this to include something like that, then perhaps I can justify the adjectives being used. I do see that it makes no sense per se. When you read it because it comes across as excessively abstract to the point of being empty.
I'm sorry but can you tell me what does "acma" mean?
Yes! thank you, now that I see it gush does make no sense, gust is definitely better.
Do you suggest revising this or just starting afresh?
I think I'll try to revise it, but if it doesn't feel like it's coming together I might re-write the whole thing, so it makes more sense.
Once again, thank you!
Posts: 580
Threads: 71
Joined: Oct 2015
(04-18-2016, 08:22 PM)Shrewbe Wrote: (04-18-2016, 08:00 PM)Achebe Wrote: The adjectives add nothing to the poem in S1 and Everywhere else.
The period in S1 should come after S2, with acma after "bit by bit"
A gush of wind is strange. Liquids gush. Gust is what you mean.
Not clear how threads can be modest.
Thank you so much for taking the time out and critiquing this!
This is definitely a work in progress. What If I develop the metaphor of the thread so as to make it a clear metaphor for the unraveling of a person. The Idea of deconstructing themselves. I was thinking of doing that in the context of a woman, if I'm able to revise this to include something like that, then perhaps I can justify the adjectives being used. I do see that it makes no sense per se. When you read it because it comes across as excessively abstract to the point of being empty.
I'm sorry but can you tell me what does "acma" mean?
Yes! thank you, now that I see it gush does make no sense, gust is definitely better.
Do you suggest revising this or just starting afresh?
I think I'll try to revise it, but if it doesn't feel like it's coming together I might re-write the whole thing, so it makes more sense.
Once again, thank you!
Hi Shrew. There are a few typos in my post courtesy fat fingers and my iPhone. Acma is "a comma".
I think you have one half of the metaphor alright. Replacing the adjectives with nouns is not such a big deal.
But the other half - what's the thread a metaphor of? - needs to be hinted at in another strophe.
If it's just plain observation, then that's fine too, but then describe the tangible attributes of the thread more clearly.
If I were you I'd start afresh.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe
Posts: 1,827
Threads: 305
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A thread so soft,
smooth,
gentle,
coy;
unraveled. (A thread can't be coy or gentle as threads do not possess these attributes, and unraveled is contradictory to soft, smooth.)
Bit by bit, ("bit by bit" of what? Threads have no bits)
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence. (fiber and velvety are at a dissonance. When one thinks of fiber: "a fine, threadlike piece, as of cotton, jute, or asbestos." dictionary.com, one tends to think of coarseness, not anything smooth like velvet. Although one can infer decadence from velvety, one has to rely on a worn cliche and not because support has been built for it )
A gush took it over ("gush" has been mentioned)
of the wind; disheveled. (As a "gust" is a subset of the wind, to mention wind again is to be redundant. However, this is a dependant clause and it lacks coherence or sense).
With it modesty, (Currently this is also not a sentence, maybe "It is modest... of course it is assigned characteristics it cannot possess)
animosity, affections,
passionately fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
____________________________________________________________________________
This is not an observational poem as too many characteristics are assigned to the main object that it does not possess. This is not a metaphor as there is no comparison to something else such as, "Man is a thread", would be the way that sort of metaphor would start, or "My man is a thread". Or a simile "Man is like a thread, unraveling and breaking just when you need him to be strong. Multicolored, but at the core, all made of the same stuff with the same weaknesses and strengths."
So at best this is only half of a poem and this part needs severe rewriting. It is brave of you to put it here and I can see (which was unfortunate you did not get much real critique where you started out in mild or novice, but there is not enough of a poem here to warrant it being in serious. However maybe some more valid critique will help you begin to shape this into something of value.
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Posts: 13
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(04-19-2016, 07:16 AM)Erthona Wrote: A thread so soft,
smooth,
gentle,
coy;
unraveled. (A thread can't be coy or gentle as threads do not possess these attributes, and unraveled is contradictory to soft, smooth.)
Bit by bit, ("bit by bit" of what? Threads have no bits)
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence. (fiber and velvety are at a dissonance. When one thinks of fiber: "a fine, threadlike piece, as of cotton, jute, or asbestos." dictionary.com, one tends to think of coarseness, not anything smooth like velvet. Although one can infer decadence from velvety, one has to rely on a worn cliche and not because support has been built for it )
A gush took it over ("gush" has been mentioned)
of the wind; disheveled. (As a "gust" is a subset of the wind, to mention wind again is to be redundant. However, this is a dependant clause and it lacks coherence or sense).
With it modesty, (Currently this is also not a sentence, maybe "It is modest... of course it is assigned characteristics it cannot possess)
animosity, affections,
passionately fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
____________________________________________________________________________
This is not an observational poem as too many characteristics are assigned to the main object that it does not possess. This is not a metaphor as there is no comparison to something else such as, "Man is a thread", would be the way that sort of metaphor would start, or "My man is a thread". Or a simile "Man is like a thread, unraveling and breaking just when you need him to be strong. Multicolored, but at the core, all made of the same stuff with the same weaknesses and strengths."
So at best this is only half of a poem and this part needs severe rewriting. It is brave of you to put it here and I can see (which was unfortunate you did not get much real critique where you started out in mild or novice, but there is not enough of a poem here to warrant it being in serious. However maybe some more valid critique will help you begin to shape this into something of value.
Best,
dale
Thank you so much Erthona for taking the time out and critiquing this, I was hoping you'd give this a look!
I do understand that it isn't enough of a poem to warrant it being in serious, but that was kind of the reason why I wanted to put it here. I want to actually learn and develop my writing, as I just started out and recognize how constructive criticism and writing a lot, would help tremendously.
I have read all your points and will be keeping them in mind while I re-write (As even Achebe agrees I should). I don't want to let go of this idea, but I do understand just how much is lacking or even non-existent as of now.
I will spend some time on this and post the re-write. Once again, thank you so much!
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Threads: 3
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(04-17-2016, 10:10 PM)Shrewbe Wrote: I had previously posted this under "novice". However, I'd like to seriously work on improving this piece and learning more.
A thread so soft, I'd remove one of these descriptors. Personally, I'd choose to cut "soft."
smooth,
gentle,
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber the repetition in these two lines doesn't seem to add to the poem
of velvety decadence. I don't love "velvety decadence"
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections,
passionately fluttered. "passionately" bogs it down a little
On the ground then "then "
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
I like what you're trying to say with the use of "coy," "modesty," etc. but they aren't words used to describe a thread. It's slightly unclear whether you're watching the thread's human characteristics fall (nonsensical), or if you're watching your own (speaker's) attributes unravel alongside the thread (what I think you might be getting at).
That being said, it's interesting and fresh! I like it. The last three lines serve as a strong ending.
Posts: 56
Threads: 12
Joined: Apr 2016
A thread so soft,
smooth,
gentle,
coy, I think that, throughout this you're making lists, of attributes or feelings, and your reasoning may have been that this would clarify but I think it confuses rather. For instance, you use "coy" here to describe a thread, "soft, smooth, unraveled would suffice.
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence. I don't think you need "bit by bit" - "fiber (up) on fiber works for me. on rather than upon
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled. ..."took it over/ (of)? the wind synatax is skewered
With it modesty,
animosity, affections, This and the final stanza need some more explanation. something's been knitted or woven and in the end it's come
passionately fluttered. undone and the person with it, but "modesty, animosity? affections, seems an overload, choose one and expand on it slightly so the reader can connect.
On the ground then
I saw what was left, Seems you don't need uninhibvited, the work is uraveled and it might be the pérson who is undone.
unraveled
uninhibited; Hope this helps, Cheers, RC
undone.
Posts: 13
Threads: 2
Joined: Feb 2016
(04-19-2016, 07:56 PM)laltieri0 Wrote: (04-17-2016, 10:10 PM)Shrewbe Wrote: I had previously posted this under "novice". However, I'd like to seriously work on improving this piece and learning more.
A thread so soft, I'd remove one of these descriptors. Personally, I'd choose to cut "soft."
smooth,
gentle,
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber the repetition in these two lines doesn't seem to add to the poem
of velvety decadence. I don't love "velvety decadence"
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections,
passionately fluttered. "passionately" bogs it down a little
On the ground then "then "
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
I like what you're trying to say with the use of "coy," "modesty," etc. but they aren't words used to describe a thread. It's slightly unclear whether you're watching the thread's human characteristics fall (nonsensical), or if you're watching your own (speaker's) attributes unravel alongside the thread (what I think you might be getting at).
That being said, it's interesting and fresh! I like it. The last three lines serve as a strong ending.
Hi Laltieri0, thank you so much for taking the time out to critique this!
I will definitely be re-writing this keeping all the critique I've received, including yours, in mind, right after my finals are over.
(04-28-2016, 10:03 AM)RC James Wrote: A thread so soft,
smooth,
gentle,
coy, I think that, throughout this you're making lists, of attributes or feelings, and your reasoning may have been that this would clarify but I think it confuses rather. For instance, you use "coy" here to describe a thread, "soft, smooth, unraveled would suffice.
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence. I don't think you need "bit by bit" - "fiber (up) on fiber works for me. on rather than upon
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled. ..."took it over/ (of)? the wind synatax is skewered
With it modesty,
animosity, affections, This and the final stanza need some more explanation. something's been knitted or woven and in the end it's come
passionately fluttered. undone and the person with it, but "modesty, animosity? affections, seems an overload, choose one and expand on it slightly so the reader can connect.
On the ground then
I saw what was left, Seems you don't need uninhibvited, the work is uraveled and it might be the pérson who is undone.
unraveled
uninhibited; Hope this helps, Cheers, RC
undone.
Hi RC, Thanks a lot for taking the time out to critique this!
It definitely helps and as I mentioned in my earlier reply, I'll be re-writing after finals end, and incorporating all these much needed suggestions!
Posts: 46
Threads: 10
Joined: Jul 2016
:huh:
(04-17-2016, 10:10 PM)Shrewbe Wrote: I had previously posted this under "novice". However, I'd like to seriously work on improving this piece and learning more.
A thread so soft,
smooth,
gentle,
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections,
passionately fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
Original
A thread so soft
smooth
gentle
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections
passionately, fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
Threads merged/mod
The idea is fine, though needs to be consistent throughout: consider that "thread" usually connotes a minimum difficult to imagine unraveled, whereas a cord composed of many intertwined threads would make more sense. As noted elsewhere, coy and gentle seem to be attributes alien to your thoughts. Also, why unravel at the beginning when it occurs later to set the contrast? What caused the unravel? You say, "a gush took it over of the wind," which makes no sense. Seems to me you need to firmly fix the item's characteristics in a way that allows humanizing them via simile, metaphor or analogy, then explain how and why it unraveled. A become B because of C and D results. Any interest in turning a downer into an upper by having E set matters aright?
Posts: 13
Threads: 2
Joined: Feb 2016
(08-04-2016, 08:06 AM)zorcas Wrote: 
(04-17-2016, 10:10 PM)Shrewbe Wrote: I had previously posted this under "novice". However, I'd like to seriously work on improving this piece and learning more.
A thread so soft,
smooth,
gentle,
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections,
passionately fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
Original
A thread so soft
smooth
gentle
coy;
unraveled.
Bit by bit,
fiber upon fiber
of velvety decadence.
A gush took it over
of the wind; disheveled.
With it modesty,
animosity, affections
passionately, fluttered.
On the ground then
I saw what was left,
unraveled
uninhibited;
undone.
Threads merged/mod
The idea is fine, though needs to be consistent throughout: consider that "thread" usually connotes a minimum difficult to imagine unraveled, whereas a cord composed of many intertwined threads would make more sense. As noted elsewhere, coy and gentle seem to be attributes alien to your thoughts. Also, why unravel at the beginning when it occurs later to set the contrast? What caused the unravel? You say, "a gush took it over of the wind," which makes no sense. Seems to me you need to firmly fix the item's characteristics in a way that allows humanizing them via simile, metaphor or analogy, then explain how and why it unraveled. A become B because of C and D results. Any interest in turning a downer into an upper by having E set matters aright?
Hi Zorcas thank you so much for taking the time out to check this out. You raise very valid points and as of now I'm abandoning this piece and spending time developing this idea and completely re-writing it
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