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~~shaan~~ · 04-15-2016, 10:40 AM

4th Edit:

Silence Speaks within me

Even accompanied by you
I am Longing for you,
Solitude was my friend
Even now,
The cloak of darkness
Is the keeper of my secrets.

O my life's companion
How do I say to you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow;
The helplessness,
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?

The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence speaks within me.

----------------------------------------------------

3rd Edit:

Silence Speaks within me

Even accompanied by you
I am Longing for you,
Solitude was my friend in the past,
Even now the cloak of darkness
Is the keeper of my secrets.

O my companion of life
How do I say to you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow;
The helplessness,
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?

The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence speaks within me.

---------------------------------------------------

2nd Edit:

Silence Speaks within me

Even accompanied by you

I long for the moments of union,
My solitude was my friend in the past,
Even now,
The cloak of night is the keeper of my secrets.

O my Companion of life
How do I say to you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow;
The helplessness,
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?

The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence Speaks within me.

---------------------------------------------------

Original Version:

Silence Speaks within me

Even accompanied by you

I long for the moments of union,
My solitude was my friend in the past,
Even now,
The cloak of night is my secrets-keeper.

O my Companion of life
How do I say to you
Even accompanied by you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow;
The helplessness,
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?

Even accompanied by you
The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence Speaks within me.

Achebe · 04-15-2016, 11:15 AM

Stating the obvious: it's too mawkish. English is not the best language for the direct expression of sentiment, particularly in poetry.
Also, too many cringeworthy cliches such as "moments of Union" and "cloak of night".
Finally, "continuum of infinite silence" is the killer blow.
Suggest rewrite using zero metaphors and maybe a simile or two.

I meant "infinite isolation". Can't edit on my Android.

homer1950 · 04-15-2016, 12:40 PM

You have written a lot here, however it is some what hard to read.

At L-5 you wrote: The cloak of night is my secrets-keeper. It is hard to read a plural word followed by a singular word. Wondering if you would be open to writing it as: The cloak of night is the keeper of my secrets.

At L-8 you repeat the line: Even accompanied by you, I think it is not needed there.

What about this?

How do I say to you
Even accompanied by you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow;

Same thing L-16 you can drop the line- Even accompanied by you

I think the thoughts you want to convey are comming through you just need to tighten it up.

~~shaan~~ · 04-15-2016, 09:55 PM

Achebe,

I really appreciate your feedback.
I will try to rewrite it.
thanks

Dear Homer,

Thanks much for the constructive feedback.
I really appreciate your suggestions and the updated version is below:

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Silence Speaks within me

Even accompanied by you

I long for the moments of union,
My solitude was my friend in the past,
Even now,
The cloak of night is the keeper of my secrets.

O my Companion of life
How do I say to you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow;
The helplessness,
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?

The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence Speaks within me.

-----------------------------------------------------

I would welcome any other suggestions.

Thanks a lot!

---S

LunaDeLore · 04-16-2016, 01:58 AM

Shaan,

Sometimes is seems like there's no end to revisiting and revising our work. We find what's okay with us isn't always okay with people who read our stuff. This poem flows well and it reads nicely; that is a kind of treat. But, is it cliche? Union, marriage, consummation these all have a place in the universal themes. Love is a powerful thing and sometimes when it stands alone, it seems too bare. Why is this person not with you, did he or she die or did cultural difference come into play? These are things you could consider when (or if) you revisit this poem again.

I hope I've helped,

Luna

~~shaan~~ · 04-16-2016, 02:48 AM

Dear Luna,

Thank you very much for the feedback.
It's very constructive and helpful.
I will take up your suggestions in the rewrite.
Also, the very first line of the poem is

Even accompanied by you

so the person/beloved is there with the narrator but good for nothing and that's what the poet is trying to say.

I will post the updated version soon.
thanks again.

Shaan

Erthona · 04-16-2016, 07:07 AM

I can't get past the first sentence. It is comprised of three seemingly unrelated elements.

"I long for the moments of union,
My solitude was my friend in the past,
Even now,
The cloak of night is the keeper of my secrets."

1. Longing for moments of union (which one cannot do alone)
2. Solitude, i.e., being alone is the speakers friend.
3. The "cloak of night" (whatever that is) keeps the speakers secrets.

The first stanza sets up the poem, which in this case happens to be this sentence. The first two parts contradict each other, while the third line uses a misnomer, or malapropism if you will, "cloak of night" that renders the line completely nonsensical. Originally the term was "clock of darkness" as in, "We will commit this robbery under the cloak of darkness where no on will see us. Later being interchanged with night as night means darkness also, but there is no object called the "cloak of night". Using this cliche this way conjures up no usable image. It may initially sound good, but it makes no sense.

The rest of the poem seems much of the same, but as this is mild, I'll not critique the whole poem in depth. Hopefully you can extrapolate this to the rest of the poem to improve it's weaknesses.

Welcome to the site,

Best,

dale

~~shaan~~ · 04-16-2016, 12:17 PM

Hello Erthona,

Thanks much for your time and constructive review.
I will try to explain a little and let's see if it makes any sense.

Poem's first stanza:

Even accompanied by you
I am Longing for you,
Solitude was my friend in the past,
Even now,
The cloak of night is the keeper of my secrets.

In this stanza, Poet is talking directly to her beloved and saying
that even in your company I am longing for you (you are there but not there).
I am unable to share anything with you.
I feel as lonely as I used to(in your absence) in the past
when I would share my stuff to solitude considering that is my friend.
And now since you are around, it still feels no different. I still feel alone and
I talk/share my secrets to the darkness.

Now if rest of the poem is being read in the above context, I think it would make sense.
My choice of words would not be proper and I'm willing to replace them with other appropriate words.

Thank You again!

whatisay-whatifeel · 04-17-2016, 02:06 PM

I love the story behind this poem and feel as though many people can identify with it. If I were you I would take a second look at the flow of the poem. I feel as though the poem read as being choppy, and that the rearranging of some of these lines could fix it. I would particularly look at the first stanza and more specifically the three lines I drew attention to.

Hope I helped,
Lauren =)

whatisay-whatifeel · 04-17-2016, 02:06 PM

I love the story behind this poem and feel as though many people can identify with it. If I were you I would take a second look at the flow of the poem. I feel as though the poem read as being choppy, and that the rearranging of some of these lines could fix it. I would particularly look at the first stanza and more specifically the three lines I drew attention to.

Hope I helped,
Lauren =)

whatisay-whatifeel · 04-17-2016, 02:06 PM

I love the story behind this poem and feel as though many people can identify with it. If I were you I would take a second look at the flow of the poem. I feel as though the poem read as being choppy, and that the rearranging of some of these lines could fix it. I would particularly look at the first stanza and more specifically the three lines I drew attention to.

Hope I helped,
Lauren =)

whatisay-whatifeel · 04-17-2016, 02:06 PM

I love the story behind this poem and feel as though many people can identify with it. If I were you I would take a second look at the flow of the poem. I feel as though the poem read as being choppy, and that the rearranging of some of these lines could fix it. I would particularly look at the first stanza and more specifically the three lines I drew attention to.

Hope I helped,
Lauren =)

whatisay-whatifeel · 04-17-2016, 02:06 PM

I love the story behind this poem and feel as though many people can identify with it. If I were you I would take a second look at the flow of the poem. I feel as though the poem read as being choppy, and that the rearranging of some of these lines could fix it. I would particularly look at the first stanza and more specifically the three lines I drew attention to.

Hope I helped,
Lauren =)

whatisay-whatifeel · 04-17-2016, 02:06 PM

I love the story behind this poem and feel as though many people can identify with it. If I were you I would take a second look at the flow of the poem. I feel as though the poem read as being choppy, and that the rearranging of some of these lines could fix it. I would particularly look at the first stanza and more specifically the three lines I drew attention to.

Hope I helped,
Lauren =)

whatisay-whatifeel · 04-17-2016, 02:06 PM

I love the story behind this poem and feel as though many people can identify with it. If I were you I would take a second look at the flow of the poem. I feel as though the poem read as being choppy, and that the rearranging of some of these lines could fix it. I would particularly look at the first stanza and more specifically the three lines I drew attention to.

Hope I helped,
Lauren =)

whatisay-whatifeel · 04-17-2016, 02:06 PM

I love the story behind this poem and feel as though many people can identify with it. If I were you I would take a second look at the flow of the poem. I feel as though the poem read as being choppy, and that the rearranging of some of these lines could fix it. I would particularly look at the first stanza and more specifically the three lines I drew attention to.

Hope I helped,
Lauren =)

whatisay-whatifeel · 04-17-2016, 02:06 PM

I love the story behind this poem and feel as though many people can identify with it. If I were you I would take a second look at the flow of the poem. I feel as though the poem read as being choppy, and that the rearranging of some of these lines could fix it. I would particularly look at the first stanza and more specifically the three lines I drew attention to.

Hope I helped,
Lauren =)

whatisay-whatifeel · 04-17-2016, 02:06 PM

I love the story behind this poem and feel as though many people can identify with it. If I were you I would take a second look at the flow of the poem. I feel as though the poem read as being choppy, and that the rearranging of some of these lines could fix it. I would particularly look at the first stanza and more specifically the three lines I drew attention to.

Hope I helped,
Lauren =)

whatisay-whatifeel · 04-17-2016, 02:06 PM

I love the story behind this poem and feel as though many people can identify with it. If I were you I would take a second look at the flow of the poem. I feel as though the poem read as being choppy, and that the rearranging of some of these lines could fix it. I would particularly look at the first stanza and more specifically the three lines I drew attention to.

Hope I helped,
Lauren =)

whatisay-whatifeel · 04-17-2016, 02:06 PM

I love the story behind this poem and feel as though many people can identify with it. If I were you I would take a second look at the flow of the poem. I feel as though the poem read as being choppy, and that the rearranging of some of these lines could fix it. I would particularly look at the first stanza and more specifically the three lines I drew attention to.

Hope I helped,
Lauren =)

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