Posts: 21
Threads: 2
Joined: Mar 2016
(04-15-2016, 10:40 AM)shaan Wrote: 3rd Edit:
Silence Speaks within me
Even accompanied by you
I am Longing for you,
Solitude was my friend in the past, Why the comma here? Read this out loud to yourself, do these three lines really flow well?
Even now the cloak of darkness
Is the keeper of my secrets.
O my companion of life- Consider rewording
How do I say to you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow; Nice line
The helplessness,
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?
The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone I love this line
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence speaks within me. Nice closing
---------------------------------------------------
2nd Edit:
Silence Speaks within me
Even accompanied by you
I long for the moments of union,
My solitude was my friend in the past,
Even now,
The cloak of night is the keeper of my secrets.
O my Companion of life
How do I say to you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow;
The helplessness,
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?
The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence Speaks within me.
---------------------------------------------------
Original Version:
Silence Speaks within me
Even accompanied by you
I long for the moments of union,
My solitude was my friend in the past,
Even now,
The cloak of night is my secrets-keeper.
O my Companion of life
How do I say to you
Even accompanied by you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow;
The helplessness,
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?
Even accompanied by you
The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence Speaks within me.
I love the story behind this poem and feel as though many people can identify with it. If I were you I would take a second look at the flow of the poem. I feel as though the poem read as being choppy, and that the rearranging of some of these lines could fix it. I would particularly look at the first stanza and more specifically the three lines I drew attention to.
Hope I helped,
Lauren =)
Posts: 21
Threads: 2
Joined: Mar 2016
(04-15-2016, 10:40 AM)shaan Wrote: 3rd Edit:
Silence Speaks within me
Even accompanied by you
I am Longing for you,
Solitude was my friend in the past, Why the comma here? Read this out loud to yourself, do these three lines really flow well?
Even now the cloak of darkness
Is the keeper of my secrets.
O my companion of life- Consider rewording
How do I say to you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow; Nice line
The helplessness,
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?
The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone I love this line
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence speaks within me. Nice closing
---------------------------------------------------
2nd Edit:
Silence Speaks within me
Even accompanied by you
I long for the moments of union,
My solitude was my friend in the past,
Even now,
The cloak of night is the keeper of my secrets.
O my Companion of life
How do I say to you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow;
The helplessness,
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?
The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence Speaks within me.
---------------------------------------------------
Original Version:
Silence Speaks within me
Even accompanied by you
I long for the moments of union,
My solitude was my friend in the past,
Even now,
The cloak of night is my secrets-keeper.
O my Companion of life
How do I say to you
Even accompanied by you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow;
The helplessness,
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?
Even accompanied by you
The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence Speaks within me.
I love the story behind this poem and feel as though many people can identify with it. If I were you I would take a second look at the flow of the poem. I feel as though the poem read as being choppy, and that the rearranging of some of these lines could fix it. I would particularly look at the first stanza and more specifically the three lines I drew attention to.
Hope I helped,
Lauren =)
Posts: 17
Threads: 2
Joined: Apr 2016
(04-17-2016, 02:06 PM)whatisay-whatifeel Wrote: 3rd Edit:
Silence Speaks within me
Even accompanied by you
I am Longing for you,
Solitude was my friend in the past, Why the comma here? Read this out loud to yourself, do these three lines really flow well?
Even now the cloak of darkness
Is the keeper of my secrets.
O my companion of life- Consider rewording
How do I say to you
The familiar moments of union
Are no different than
The parting moments of sorrow; Nice line
The helplessness,
You not being with me is what I breathe.
For how long would I manage
To hold this continuum of infinite isolation?
The ambience feels alien,
I talk to myself in your tone I love this line
But the emptiness still remains with me,
Silence speaks within me. Nice closing
---------------------------------------------------
I love the story behind this poem and feel as though many people can identify with it. If I were you I would take a second look at the flow of the poem. I feel as though the poem read as being choppy, and that the rearranging of some of these lines could fix it. I would particularly look at the first stanza and more specifically the three lines I drew attention to.
Hope I helped,
Lauren =)
Dear Lauren,
Thank you very much for your review and feedback.
I really appreciate the time you took to point out what would make it a good poem.
Your feedback was great and it really helped.
I've posted the 4th edition and I tried to rephrase the 1st paragraph.
I would like to ask for another review from you, if you can, and let me know how the current version sounds.
Again, thanks much!
Shaan
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