Who Am I?

[jmmc137]

I play both roles.
   I am death and dark,
   I am life and light,

I burn, I build, I blind,
   I clarify, I am doubt,
   I burst with courage,

I call you ugly, I kiss you
   goodnight, I lie to
   myself, I love myself,
   I bury myself, but I
   rise as well.



A ten minute freewrite! Critiques, comments, improvements?

[Weeded]

What up jmmc, nice freewrite!
This is pretty abstract, I might suggest you work on providing more concrete images to describe what you intend, its an interesting paradox youre playing with but its also pretty cliche in its yin-yang-ness.
Good luck,
mike

[UselessBlueprint]

It's not easy for most of us (glares with jealousy at one particular mod) to churn out good poetry in ten minutes. We all have different methods, and I like to sit on something for several days at the least before posting it anywhere except the "for fun" forum. Freewrites never go well for me, as I need some purpose in writing (either a self-indulgent purpose, or for a specific audience). Abstract, yes. Not really in the good way. Cliche, probably. Definitely not in the good way. Again, I find myself bothered when I read something that talks about altitude in some way, but doesn't reflect it meaningfully in the piece. In this case...
  I bury myself, but I
  rise as well.
I would probably prefer to see "rise" positioned above "bury", and the self words to be underneath "bury" or some other ground word. My example...

Rising above
the surface,
I bury myself as well.

"Rising" is literally position above the surface, and "I bury" is literally positioned below the surface. The last few lines create your best image, but they are spatially challenged/

[billy]

the question should be how do you think you can improve it? ten minutes to get it down is great, but in general poets then have to do some major edits before asking for advice. at present it looks like a 5 or ten minute poem, make it look like a 30 to 60 minute poem.

you could be me
so first off, puzzle poems if that's what it is, it still need to work as poetry. the rhyme doesn't work. all i'm getting from this piece are questions that don't hold me enough to want to answer. try and give it more depth, use some imagery [metaphor/simile]

I play both roles.
   I am death and dark,
   I am life and light,

I burn, I build, I blind,
   I clarify, I am doubt,
   I burst with courage,

I call you ugly, I kiss you
   goodnight, I lie to
   myself, I love myself,
   I bury myself, but I
   rise as well.



A ten minute freewrite! Critiques, comments, improvements?

[Erthona]

This is a fairly juvenile poem, it is based on "self" and/or self-centeredness. I this, I that. Basically grandiose. It puts self in the god role, but at best it is a petty god.

"I burn, I blind, I am doubt, I call you ugly, I lie to myself, I love myself, I bury myself, but I
  rise as well."

So on the one hand, if the speaker is human, he is grandiose, if he is a god he is petty, although able to do things beyond human, he also embodies the worst aspect of being human.

So for me it is difficult to grasp the point of this poem. It certainly needs some thought to decide where the focus will be.

Best,

dale

PS Free write may be a great way to practice, but the chances of creating a poem of worth are slim to none. I would suggest using what you get from the free write, then polishing it to something worthy of posting and critiquing.

[Lip Kingdavid]

I play both roles.
   I am death and dark,
   I am life and light,

I like this stanza, especially the alliteration. The first line leaves me wanting a bit more, I'm not sure why. Maybe the language is a bit basic compared to the tone the poem carries?

I burn, I build, I blind,
   I clarify, I am doubt,
   I burst with courage,

This one is a bit weaker. I'm not sure what the pattern of the first line is trying to get across. Burn, build and blind don't exactly correlate to each other in that order. It almost seems like you chose three B words, which is fine, but I think there are better waords in a better order you could use. The last line is a bit confusing to me as well. It doesn't seem to mesh with anything else and is a bit of a loner.

I call you ugly, I kiss you
   goodnight, I lie to
   myself, I love myself,
   I bury myself, but I
   rise as well.

I'm not a fan of the first half of this stanza. It's a bit cluttered and doesn't have a discernible flow to it. There doesn't seem to be any reason that it's broken up the way it is.  I love the ending though. Very strong. It's a good pause from the flow and tone of the rest of the poem. The last line is a heck of a lot better than the rest of the work, which is both good and bad news.

[Acephale]

Ouch, I didn't think it was that bad, though I don't disagree with anyone else's comment. What were you thinking about when you wrote this? It seems to lack direction more than anything else.

[1skylande1]

to me, the first two stanzas are good. You need to work on the third stanza because it is somewhat....chunky.

[ellajam]

Ouch, I didn't think ti was that bad, though I don't disagree with anyone else's comments. What were you thinking about when you wrote this? It seems to lack direction more than anything else.

to me, the first two stanzas are good. You need to work on the third stanza because it is somewhat....chunky.

Hey, folks, this is a critique forum, please try to give a little more and to be a little more specific, give the OP something he can use. thanks, ella

[jmmc137]

Thanks for all the comments everyone! This is definitely a piece that needs refining and a more clear cut message. I appreciate the criticism!

[Uncle Tony]

I play both roles.
   I am death and dark,
   I am life and light,

I burn, I build, I blind,
   I clarify, I am doubt,
   I burst with courage,

I call you ugly, I kiss you
   goodnight, I lie to
   myself, I love myself,
   I bury myself, but I
   rise as well.



A ten minute freewrite! Critiques, comments, improvements?

I agree, it seems like a ten minute free write, which isn't a bad thing because it was in fact a ten minute free write.  I liked the opening line, seemed like it was going to take me to a deep place, but didn't go as deep as I had anticipated.  I didn't like the "I call you ugly" line, nor did I care too much for ending with "as well."

[SethFiction]

"I call you ugly, I kiss you
goodnight, I lie to
myself, I love myself,
I bury myself, but I
rise as well."

I actually like these lines, contrary to what most in this thread are saying. Certain words, like "ugly," jar the reader from the duality induced inattentiveness this poem expels. And I say that because your duality is very predictable. We know instinctively what the next line is going to be. It also feels unresolved and lacking nuance. Eventually the dual halves have to converge. Remember, its the grays and earth colors in a painting that give the heavenly colors more saturation (this from an artist).

[89layers]

I really enjoyed this.  I like the duality expressed.  I'm not sure if this is supposed to be written from the vantage point of a human or a supernatural force. But for me, it resonated. I often feel weak and then resilient, depressed (death) and then fiercely alive.  Thank you for sharing!

I play both roles.
   I am death and dark,
   I am life and light,

I burn, I build, I blind,
   I clarify, I am doubt,
   I burst with courage,

I call you ugly, I kiss you
   goodnight, I lie to
   myself, I love myself,
   I bury myself, but I
   rise as well.



A ten minute freewrite! Critiques, comments, improvements?

[DJesters]

I play both roles.
   I am death and dark,
   I am life and light,

I burn, I build, I blind,
   I clarify, I am doubt,
   I burst with courage,

I call you ugly, I kiss you
   goodnight, I lie to
   myself, I love myself,
   I bury myself, but I
   rise as well.
 

A ten minute freewrite! Critiques, comments, improvements?

This is some good content for a ten minute freewrite, but I think the time you limited yourself to turned this poem into a cliché of sort. With more time invested into this, I think it could become a great "light vs. dark" and "life vs. death" poem, but that comparison has been used so many times. I love the contrasts and comparisons you painted, but the subject is just so over explored to the point where even if the poem was award winning material, I still feel like it would be less just because of the flood of this subject. I think you have something good here, though, in that if you picked a different subject, the poem would be excellent because your way with words is fantastic. I wish you the best!

[j56]

the kind of reflection on identity reminded me of Frank O'Hara's 'Meditations in an emergency'. But I agree with previous poster that your poem is pretty abstract and difficult to decipher.

[Myotis]

I play both roles.
   I am death and dark,
   I am life and light,
I enjoy the introduction. Setting the stage for the paradoxes within this poem. Signifying both good and evil in one entity. 

I burn, I build, I blind,
   I clarify, I am doubt,
   I burst with courage,
The first line solidifies the first stanzas good and evil theme burning yet building, or helping while still blinding. The second line i feel would be improved with "I am clarity, I am doubt". Just my two cents. Doesn't seem to impede the flow while still providing symmetry. The last line is a new piece of information which ties in to the underlying strength of this piece. 

I call you ugly, I kiss you goodnight,
 I lie to myself, I love myself,
   I bury myself, but I
   rise as well.
This part seems rather specific to the author. Like talking sh!t behind their back but tucking them in at night. The second line is another nice paradox , and begs the question "How can one love themselves if they are not honest with themselves?". Bury myself but rising as well , seems like a situation where you doing things for others without looking out for your self. Just another addition i might add would be "triumph" instead of rise and maybe "Triumph Overall". It seems more powerful. However don't change it if it inflicts the message. 
   I liked reading your poem. I could feel the tone of voice and almost the influence to the writing. Keep it up. 



A ten minute freewrite! Critiques, comments, improvements?

[SarcasticEmpathy]

The two best things about a quick free write is one they get words on the paper, I'm a big believer that having something down is always a great start its like drawing the blueprints to a house they can be erased and altered but they are there and real, and two they give you only a precious moment to find something inside yourself that can be drawn upon for great poetry. This poem to start is very self involved and may only pertain to you and readers with a specific emotion in mind but it also shows the foundation for eventually growing and being built upon towards maybe an introspective piece on the duality of mans humanity and place in the world. I will say it is simple but I believe simple can be great. So now, like those blueprints, take this home give it days and weeks of thought and make those changes needed.