First poem

[Beyond all Lines]

First edit

Tree in the distance, twisted and writhing,
Serpentine branches, reaching and trying,
Each day slowly it grew reaching t'ward skies,
Endlessly searching for god knows what prize,
Oh tree, it pains me, you fight everyday,
Working yourself hard, t'ward an early grave,
Perhaps I'm wrong your just grasping for stars,
Thither they are afar from your short arms,
Maybe it's visual the game that you play,
To grow bigger than your neighbours display,
Can it be, that a tree sees more than me?
For are they not the more stern, solemn and wise?
Tree without mouth or words you have left thee,
Pondering these questions, thoughts  and surmise

Original

I saw a tree, twisted and writhing,
Serpentine branches were reaching and trying,
Each day slowly it grew reaching t'ward skies,
Endlessly searching for an invisible prize,
Oh tree, it pains me, you fight everyday,
Working yourself into an early grave,
Perhaps I am wrong your just grasping for stars,
Thither they are afar from your arms,
Maybe it's superficial the game that you play,
To grow bigger and stronger than your neighbours display,
Can it be, that a tree sees more than me?
For are they not more solemn and wise?
Tree without mouth or words you leave thee,
A thousand questions, thoughts  and surmise

[1skylande1]

Here are my two cent ideas

1/ I think there are something wrong with meter in some of the sentences. For example, "maybe it's superficial the game that you play" doesn't sound smooth. Another example may be "for are they not more solemn and wise?". The whole poem has many abrupt interruption and sounds like multiple pieces not connecting to each others well enough. Sorry if this is vague.

2/ I am quite at a loss regarding the meaning of the poem. The image is that a tree is growing toward the sky, how is that working toward early grave? Also, sky is...not countable I believe. Beside, the last four sentences are sort of out of nowhere. What do you try to tell with those???

[jmmc137]

I agree with skylande, there are sonically bumpy parts. I think this poem can go without the end rhyming and rely more on the rhythm from the syllables (if done correctly) because it seems somewhat forced. But other than that, I like the simple pondering of the poem. I'd maybe suggest tying this pondering to a central idea or meaning though.

[UselessBlueprint]

The fact that this is fourteen lines and consistently rhymed is what made me try to read it as a sonnet. Doing so is impossible. The meter is wildly inconsistent, not just in syllable count but also in stress. Aside from oddly chosen, but perhaps not useless archaisms, the language of the the piece is actually pretty fair. Unlike the previous critiques, I'm not at all lost on the meaning. It may be able to be compressed a bit further. Fourteen lines is a bit much for this idea. That might be tough, since I suspect you settled on fourteen lines before writing (not saying that is bad, just that it would require a lot more purpose to choose the structure and length beforehand, in my opinion).

[Erthona]

Tree in the distance, twisted and writhing,        dactyl-trochee-dactyl-trochee
Serpentine branches, reaching and trying,         dactyl-trochee-dactyl-trochee
Each day slowly it grew reaching t'ward skies,        iambic pentamater
Endlessly searching for god knows what prize,   dactyl-dactyl-dactyl-hanging foot
Oh tree, it pains me, you fight everyday,            iamb-dactyl-iamb-dactyl

This poem starts out nicely, in terms of meter, as noted above. Unfortunately it quickly devolves into inconsistency as any metrical patter is concerned, leaving the burden of cohesion and energy solely on the back of the rhyming couplets, which quickly takes on the sound of a ball peen hammer to the temples, with the exception of an xyxy rhyme pattern in the last four line. This seems almost a strange parody of a sonnet. However, whatever form was in the writer's mind equates to no form of which this reader is aware.

In terms of the content, it has a distinctly English Romantic period tone. It is concerned with nature, and conceives that nature may in fact be more wise than man. Of course it lacks Wordsworthian "We murder to dissect" element. The writer personifies the tree, giving it various attributes. The missing element is the speaker has no intuition and can receive no wisdom from the tree and so is simply left to "ponder". No better off than when he began. Although the poem begins somewhere, it unfortunately does not progress pass that point.  

Best,

dale

[Queerventions]

I completely agree with Erthona. The first half is very promising. The way you (Erthona) dissected the first half was very clear and easy to follow. The second half could use a slight fix.
In the line: "Thither they are afar from your short arms". Perhaps you could say "far they are from your short arms".

Line 10 says "To grow bigger than your neighbours display". Might sound better (perhaps slightly more childish lol) with "...bigger[and bigger] than...". Also a spelling correction for neighbors.

However, the last four lines are almost incomprehensible. The structure doesn't quite work. I do understand where you're going though, maybe cut those lines and replace with one last line that doesn't rhyme but leads back to your central thought of the entire poem. That way it may seem slightly more dramatic and meaningful and memorable. Overall, great job!

Sorry if I wasn't much help or said somethings that weren't accurate. Never been one for poetry until this year lol

[homer1950]

Tree in the distance, twisted and writhing,
Serpentine branches, reaching and trying,
Each day slowly it grew reaching t'ward skies,
Endlessly searching for god knows what prize,
Oh tree, it pains me, you fight everyday,
Working yourself hard, t'ward an early grave,
Perhaps I'm wrong your just grasping for stars,
Thither they are afar from your short arms,
Maybe it's visual the game that you play,
To grow bigger than your neighbours display,
Can it be, that a tree sees more than me?
For are they not the more stern, solemn and wise?
Tree without mouth or words you have left thee,
Pondering these questions, thoughts  and surmise

I like the edit and the work as a whole it has a nice philosophical feel.

My suggestion is that you would separate your lines into 3 groups:

Group 1: L-1 to L-4 - What the tree is doing.

Group 2: L-5 to L-8 - The commentator’s feelings about what the tree is doing.

Group 3: L-9 to L-14 - The commentator’s revelation (awe), that there might be more here than what meets the eye.

[Seanharvey]

I was a little put off by your use of "t'ward" not once but twice. Also why "thither?" Just seems like an odd use of semi-archaic language. To me it comes across as pretense. Kind of like you're trying to recreate a Coleridge or Wordsworth poem you had to study in school. Also, how is the tree growing equated to working "t'ward" an early grave? Are you saying that everything that's living is also dying at the same time. Doesn't seem like that needs to be said.

[KittyL]

This is a nicely written piece. Only major thing I noticed was "Perhaps I'm wrong your just grasping for stars", your should be you're, and a comma between wrong and you're would be beneficial to the rhythm
~s.a

[humility]

My initial thought on the first two lines was that it seemed untreelike behavior, than I read the second two lines annd then could picture a tree growing twisting and writhing, so then it made sense. The fifth and sixth lines make no sense to me, trees aren't working, they are just growing. Even if your poem is working on the assumption that it has the ability to think it still makes no sense since the alternative would be for it to remain a seed. Or acorn I guess, I'm not sure if nuts are considered a seed.  Lines 7 through 12 make some sense as its just some anthropomorphism of the tree and applying some possible reasons that could be driving it to want to grow. Lines 13 and 14 seem like gibberish to me.