Sonnet IV

[Adoran]

Hello All, this is my first post here on PigPen. I am asking for some help revising my fourth sonnet, in regards to iambic pentameter and as well as a general critique. I really tried my best to have this poem in full iambic pentameter, I hand wrote it to help myself with the stressing of syllables over the course of 16 hours. I am gracious to hard critiques and criticisms! And if you felt so kind you could leave an interpretation in the comments, for I think this sonnet is rather easy to decipher, and should be fun to read for most.

Sonnet IV

It's in this moment beauty manifests
Within doey eyes and cordially white jacks
Hidden inside contrast, do hearts climax
Subtle notes and soft keys accord her breasts

As skin meets in harmony on our chests
Moonlight ignites love like midnight lilacs
Under stars, on wooden framing our backs
Beauty sleeps as quietly as love rests

But for how long will this moment so last?
Shall it fade like darkness in the sunlight
And take our hearts to so romantic graves

Life is not as lovely as summer's days
Nor is death as gentle as summer's night
Love so deathly that which tragedy saves

[Erthona]

Within do-ey (doe-eyed, or dowy) eyes and cord-ial-ly white jacks (This line cannot be saved as "doey" is not a word and the closes possibly words "doe-eyed", or "dowy" both start with the accent on the first syllable, throwing the meter off. Even if the original word, were a word, the accent would be on the first accent, so it would read:

With-in do-ey as the first syllable would be pronounced as "dou" or as the word "dowel" not as the word dough. Even doe-eyed is pronounced [doh-ahyd] (http://www.dictionary.com/browse/doe-eyed?s=t) so this still leaves a meter problem. As the second "eyes" could be removed, it would bring the syllable count down to ten , which is a dubious distinction. 

This comes closets to a Petrarchan sonnet, but the sestet should start where the word "last" is, but obviously does not. So this leaves me in a quandary. As I am unaware of what form this is in, it is impossible to critique the poem in any way further than I have.

manifests    a
 jacks         b
climax        b
breasts       a
chests        a
 lilacs           b
 backs        b
 rests         a
 last?         /b
sunlight      c
graves       d
 days         d
night         c
 saves       d

Is this supposed to be a  Petrarchan and simply a traffic jam in the sestet, or is this some form of sonnet I've never heard of? Without knowing I can offer nothing else. I am sorry I can be of no further help with this poem.

Best,

dale

[ellajam]

Hi, Adoran, I have issues with both content and meter. I'm no expert but it seems the first line is IP and the rest seems mostly trochaic(ish). It's not easy and I encourage you to keep working at it. Some notes are below.

It's in this moment beauty manifests
Within doey eyes and cordially white jacks I don't get white jacks.
Hidden inside contrast, do hearts climax
Subtle notes and soft keys accord her breasts accord her breasts is odd. Punctuation might help.

As skin meets in harmony on our chests
Moonlight ignites love like midnight lilacs  Lilacs seem to be ignited?
Under stars, on wooden framing our backs on wooden framing our backs makes no sense to me.
Beauty sleeps as quietly as love rests

But for how long will this moment so last? The "so" here and two lines down just seem wrong.
Shall it fade like darkness in the sunlight
And take our hearts to so romantic graves

Life is not as lovely as summer's days
Nor is death as gentle as summer's night
Love so deathly that which tragedy saves
I'm having trouble making sense of the last line, again punctuation might help. And I'm wonder why L9 has no end rhyme, I may be missing something.

Link to Basic Meter

Iambic: an iamb is made up of two syllables where the stress (or accent) is placed on the second syllable.

eg. "She CANnot FADE, though THOU hast NOT thy BLISS,
For EVer WILT thou LOVE, and SHE be FAIR!" (Keats, Ode on a Grecian Urn".

Counting the accented (strongly stressed) syllables, you come up with five beats, hence these lines are in iambic pentameter, a meter which always starts a line on a soft stress and ends on a hard. Iambic meter gives a kind of sing-song, often soothing rhythm which is why it's so often used for love poetry.

Trochaic: A trochee is essentially the opposite of an iamb -- two syllables, HARD soft. Trochees give a strong beat, often like an exclamation, and are commonly employed in nursery rhymes because they make quite an impression.

eg. "SANta CLAUS you FAT old GIT".

If you look at Shakespeare's sonnets, you'll find that the Bard often slipped a trochee into the first line to make an impact, which is just what it does.

ETA: I've been looking at the sonnet forms, it looks closest to the Petrarchan, but I still don't get the end rhyme of L9. The volta looks right, good work on that.
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-3725.html

[Adoran]

Within do-ey (doe-eyed, or dowy) eyes and cord-ial-ly white jacks (This line cannot be saved as "doey" is not a word and the closes possibly words "doe-eyed", or "dowy" both start with the accent on the first syllable, throwing the meter off. Even if the original word, were a word, the accent would be on the first accent, so it would read:

With-in do-ey as the first syllable would be pronounced as "dou" or as the word "dowel" not as the word dough. Even doe-eyed is pronounced [doh-ahyd] (http://www.dictionary.com/browse/doe-eyed?s=t) so this still leaves a meter problem. As the second "eyes" could be removed, it would bring the syllable count down to ten , which is a dubious distinction. 

This comes closets to a Petrarchan sonnet, but the sestet should start where the word "last" is, but obviously does not. So this leaves me in a quandary. As I am unaware of what form this is in, it is impossible to critique the poem in any way further than I have.

manifests    a
 jacks         b
climax        b
breasts       a
chests        a
 lilacs           b
 backs        b
 rests         a
 last?         /b
sunlight      c
graves       d
 days         d
night         c
 saves       d

Is this supposed to be a  Petrarchan and simply a traffic jam in the sestet, or is this some form of sonnet I've never heard of? Without knowing I can offer nothing else. I am sorry I can be of no further help with this poem.

Best,

dale

Hello Dale thanks for the review, and pointing out some obvious flaws that I have overlooked. I've noted the "doey" error, and will start revising, and yes this was my attempt at a Petrachan sonnet. However, I don't really understand what you mean by: " but the sestet should start where the word "last", perhaps you mean the volta she start at the end of the L9? I would be so grateful if after my revision and editing you would again review my sonnet. 

---

Hi, Adoran, I have issues with both content and meter. I'm no expert but it seems the first line is IP and the rest seems mostly trochaic(ish). It's not easy and I encourage you to keep working at it. Some notes are below.

It's in this moment beauty manifests
Within doey eyes and cordially white jacks I don't get white jacks.
Hidden inside contrast, do hearts climax
Subtle notes and soft keys accord her breasts accord her breasts is odd. Punctuation might help.

As skin meets in harmony on our chests
Moonlight ignites love like midnight lilacs  Lilacs seem to be ignited?
Under stars, on wooden framing our backs on wooden framing our backs makes no sense to me.
Beauty sleeps as quietly as love rests

But for how long will this moment so last? The "so" here and two lines down just seem wrong.
Shall it fade like darkness in the sunlight
And take our hearts to so romantic graves

Life is not as lovely as summer's days
Nor is death as gentle as summer's night
Love so deathly that which tragedy saves
I'm having trouble making sense of the last line, again punctuation might help. And I'm wonder why L9 has no end rhyme, I may be missing something.

Link to Basic Meter

Iambic: an iamb is made up of two syllables where the stress (or accent) is placed on the second syllable.

eg. "She CANnot FADE, though THOU hast NOT thy BLISS,
For EVer WILT thou LOVE, and SHE be FAIR!" (Keats, Ode on a Grecian Urn".

Counting the accented (strongly stressed) syllables, you come up with five beats, hence these lines are in iambic pentameter, a meter which always starts a line on a soft stress and ends on a hard. Iambic meter gives a kind of sing-song, often soothing rhythm which is why it's so often used for love poetry.

Trochaic: A trochee is essentially the opposite of an iamb -- two syllables, HARD soft. Trochees give a strong beat, often like an exclamation, and are commonly employed in nursery rhymes because they make quite an impression.

eg. "SANta CLAUS you FAT old GIT".

If you look at Shakespeare's sonnets, you'll find that the Bard often slipped a trochee into the first line to make an impact, which is just what it does.

ETA: I've been looking at the sonnet forms, it looks closest to the Petrarchan, but I still don't get the end rhyme of L9. The volta looks right, good work on that.
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-3725.html

Thanks for the advice, I am going to revise my Sonnet this week and hopefully return with a correct form. As to some of the content, that you don't understand.

1:  Jacks are the name for piano keys, and White Jacks, means they are white piano keys, and thus also a play on words
2 Line fourth is a metaphor for A naked woman's body laying upon the piano as it is being played. "notes and keys accord her breast"
3 Lilacs ignited by moonlight is also a metaphor, and piece of imagery I was trying to invoke an image of Lilac flowers in moonlight, and love ignited by the moonlight symbolizes sex in the moonlight and the light on our skin is pale purple similar to lilacs.
4. Most pianos have a wooden framing, so if our backs are on wooden framing, we are laying on top of the piano.
5. The so's are poorly placed and make no sense, thanks for pointing that out. 
6.  Thanks for pointing that out.

[Erthona]

Adoran wrote: " However, I don't really understand what you mean by: " but the sestet should start where the word "last", perhaps you mean the volta she start at the end of the L9?"

Sorry about that, I did not write that very clearly. What I meant was in terms of the rhyme the sestet would start where the word "last?" currently resides, so that L9 would rhyme with L10. Currently L9 doesn't really rhyme with anything or at best is a slant rhyme to the b rhyme of the abba abba section, i.e. backs->last. When it should be rhyming with "sunlight." So I was simply referring to the rhyme pattern not following the standard form and I simply wrote it poorly. Although there are variation, the rhyme scheme that best fits this poem if it is a Petrachan sonnet would be the standard abba abba ccddcd.

dale