American Beauties

[71degrees]

One spring the city we lived in was sex,
caught heat in cool, rainy weather

we slept next to a radiator by a window
on the east side

it was our slice of space: damp sheets,
crepe-like wallpaper, orange and yellow

For one whole season, you left your vagina
where I could find it

Later, you thanked me, but explained
there’d been a change in our story

and you left just after all the American Beauties
broke their first blossoms

[Achebe]

Ineffably beautiful.
Doesn't really qualify as crit, so I'll nit
Pick, like a poster dutiful:
L7 is too raw: suggest a euphemism.

---

One spring the city we lived in was sex,
caught heat in cool, rainy weather....nice start

we slept next to a radiator by a window
on the east side.....nice buildup

it was our slice of space: damp sheets,
crepe-like wallpaper, orange and yellow....perfect. I can see the room: it's familiar seedy.

For one whole season, you left your vagina
where I could find it....ugh

Later, you thanked me, but explained
there’d been a change in our story....great transition

and you left just after all the American Beauties
broke their first blossoms ..... Perfect ending. beauty and sadness at the same time. Layers of meaningful contrast: flowers blossom, love dies; buds open, thighs close, innocence and experience, newness and jadedness..... Phew. This is wonderful.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey 71, I love this. Thoughts below...

One spring the city we lived in was sex, nice opening
caught heat in cool, rainy weather "caught" is a wonderful word choice here

we slept next to a radiator by a window back to reality with a strong image
on the east side maybe a little worn - still works

it was our slice of space: damp sheets,
crepe-like wallpaper, orange and yellow

For one whole season, you left your vagina great line but might be more blunt if "one whole" was just "a"
where I could find it

Later, you thanked me, but explained
there’d been a change in our story it's not you it's me? 

and you left just after all the American Beauties could probably strike "just" unless I'm missing a nuance
broke their first blossoms

Really enjoyable read. Good luck with it,
Paul

[Tracy Mitchell]

Hi 71,

This is a marvelous poem which I am surprised has not attracted more comment.  Stanza four is a stunning description of at least the physical part of the relationship - a unique combination of intimate and casual and unpremeditated.  I assume this is set in NY, what with a meaningful notation of “our slice of space”.  

The only line I have a suggestion for is the first.  Consider something like, “One spring we lived in the city of sex”.  That would remove the awkward grammatical construction.  I don’t have a problem with awkward grammatical constructions if they advance the poem. I don’t see that this does.  In fact, the change could clean up the syntax for line two as well.  Just my thought, it may not work for your purposes.

The other thing I wanted to comment on is the phrase American Beauties.  I understand the intended references to include the seed brand, the pageant, and the movie American Beauty.  Because each reference seems to work well, and in overlapping ways, this is a wonderful anchor for the poem.   Flowers under the American Beauties seed brand label certainly blossom in lovely arrays and the pageant also displays blossoming female beauty.  The movie American Beauty centers on a relationship involving, among other things, a young girl’s emerging sexuality.  That is the reference which has me most considering the closing lines.  It is almost like the poem suggests an alternate ending to the movie.  A different sequence - there has been a change in [our] story.

I also note that the closing lines strike me as the near mirror-image of the closing lines of A Blessing by James Wright.  It suggests the flip-side of that emotion.  Beautiful and sad.  Another reason to love the poem.

T

[71degrees]

Thanks to the replies. From what I'm seeing the poem is working as intended. A couple of the suggestions have been noted and will probably be implemented.

Thanks, Teagan, for your extended comments concerning the title. I'm glad you are catching the nuances that may or may not be there. I did re-watch the movie a while ago. It's classic. Would disagree with your "...it's about a girl's emerging sexuality" but would agree w/ "...among other things..." To me the movie is about living the American Lie. Everyone in the movie was a liar. When Lester finally does the one and only decent thing he's ever done (not do the deed w/the daughter's friend), he's killed by the neighbor. So, yeah, there is a nod to the movie in this poem and I'm glad you brought it up. Thank you.

Changing the first line into a grammatically correct sentence spoils the action, I think. You see, the whole poem starts out lying to the reader.

All comments are appreciated. Thank you.

71degrees

[whatisay-whatifeel]

One spring the city we lived in was sex,
caught heat in cool, rainy weather

we slept next to a radiator by a window
on the east side

it was our slice of space: damp sheets,
crepe-like wallpaper, orange and yellow

For one whole season, you left your vagina- Can this line be stronger? Disrupts the flow of the poem.
where I could find it

Later, you thanked me, but explained
there’d been a change in our story

and you left just after all the American Beauties
broke their first blossoms

I love everything about this poem. I how how its simplicity is what makes it raw and unnerving. I love how you chose few, yet very impactful words to tell a story that still allows the reader to fill in the blanks, constructing a whole relationship and lives  of those narorated to us. This poem is relatable and raw, not sugarcoating the death of a relationship as pure romantics might do. The only change I would consider is to look over the line "for one whole season, you left you vagina." This line ruined the flow of the poem for me and just seemed a little oddly placed or "off" (for the lack of a better word). Amazing job.

[Mattp]

71degrees, this is difficult to crit as it's such a smooth, polished piece. There really isn't anything wrong with it but I can make a suggestion: it might give this poem more depth if you went into and explored the romantic relationship at hand a bit. You might be able to draw out the emotions involved and that in turn may draw the reader into your work. Very pretty as it stands though. Thanks for the read,

- Matt

[71degrees]

One spring the city we lived in was sex,
caught heat in cool, rainy weather

we slept next to a radiator by a window
on the east side

it was our slice of space: damp sheets,
crepe-like wallpaper, orange and yellow

For one whole season, you left your vagina- Can this line be stronger? Disrupts the flow of the poem.
where I could find it

Later, you thanked me, but explained
there’d been a change in our story

and you left just after all the American Beauties
broke their first blossoms

I love everything about this poem. I how how its simplicity is what makes it raw and unnerving. I love how you chose few, yet very impactful words to tell a story that still allows the reader to fill in the blanks, constructing a whole relationship and lives  of those narorated to us. This poem is relatable and raw, not sugarcoating the death of a relationship as pure romantics might do. The only change I would consider is to look over the line "for one whole season, you left you vagina." This line ruined the flow of the poem for me and just seemed a little oddly placed or "off" (for the lack of a better word). Amazing job.

Critiques are running about 50/50 for this image. I am inclined to leave the image but I think the "order" of how it is presented can be looked into. Glad you liked the poem. I am encouraged by its reception in the places I have posted it. Thanks.

---

71degrees, this is difficult to crit as it's such a smooth, polished piece. There really isn't anything wrong with it but I can make a suggestion: it might give this poem more depth if you went into and explored the romantic relationship at hand a bit. You might be able to draw out the emotions involved and that in turn may draw the reader into your work. Very pretty as it stands though. Thanks for the read,

- Matt

You know, Matt, even though you may be right, sometimes there are subjects that don't need any more depth or explanation. We didn't really have a relationship...all we did was have sex. Fun but nothing more than that. I may have been willing to stick it out longer, but she wasn't. And really, I didn't argue much when she said it was over. I knew it, too. I have written about her before and maybe some day I can put a longer piece together. Thanks for liking the poem. Appreciate it very much.

[(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻]

Poem is sharp as a tack and I wouldn't add much, except for one teeny tiny thing that I think may be something that can benefit it (it's entirely up to you but this is merely a suggestion, what I'd do).

There is a subtle contradiction. If you're going to say "the city we lived in" it seems like you intend for it to be a faceless city, a place of many places, yet after that you mention the east side, which is contradictory and plants me down, as the reader, in a real place that I can picture clearly, which is a tad jolting. A suggestion would be to just simply say "New York" instead of "the city we lived in", or instead be a bit less obvious when you mention the east side at L4 and instead say something else.

[71degrees]

Poem is sharp as a tack and I wouldn't add much, except for one teeny tiny thing that I think may be something that can benefit it (it's entirely up to you but this is merely a suggestion, what I'd do).

There is a subtle contradiction. If you're going to say "the city we lived in" it seems like you intend for it to be a faceless city, a place of many places, yet after that you mention the east side, which is contradictory and plants me down, as the reader, in a real place that I can picture clearly, which is a tad jolting. A suggestion would be to just simply say "New York" instead of "the city we lived in", or instead be a bit less obvious when you mention the east side at L4 and instead say something else.

Or the "east side" could be the east side of the apartment. Sun side Thanks for looking. Not sure what to call you.

[REW]

One spring the city we lived in was sex,
caught heat in cool, rainy weather

we slept next to a radiator by a window
on the east side to make this fresher right here you could use something other that the east side

it was our slice of space: damp sheets,
crepe-like wallpaper, orange and yellow

For one whole season, you left your vagina
where I could find it really like this line

Later, you thanked me, but explained
there’d been a change in our story love the phrasing of this

and you left just after all the American Beauties
broke their first blossoms

I cannot criticize much in this.  I really like it.  I think it has a style to it and voice.  The one part I would change is the bit about the east side...something else would be better...maybe even to face the rising sun.

[71degrees]

One spring the city we lived in was sex,
caught heat in cool, rainy weather

we slept next to a radiator by a window
on the east side to make this fresher right here you could use something other that the east side

it was our slice of space: damp sheets,
crepe-like wallpaper, orange and yellow

For one whole season, you left your vagina
where I could find it really like this line

Later, you thanked me, but explained
there’d been a change in our story love the phrasing of this

and you left just after all the American Beauties
broke their first blossoms

I cannot criticize much in this.  I really like it.  I think it has a style to it and voice.  The one part I would change is the bit about the east side...something else would be better...maybe even to face the rising sun.

I guess I would need a valid reason. "....something else would be better...." doesn't say much to me. "cannot criticize much" I do like Thanks.