I don't know

[1skylande1]

First edit:


I don’t know how to tell you this.
You, the embodiment of cuteness,
With a smile, you can slay the darkness,
Warm the winters, melt the poles.

I don’t know how to tell you this.
I have loved you since we met.
It is wrong, they opposed.
She has a boyfriend, they said.

I don’t know how to tell you this.
I envy the guy you love.
I wish to be him for just one day,
To hold you tightly, to be loved by you.

I hate him truly, and earnestly .
Why did you choose him, and not me
To hold your lovely hands, 
And to be a part of you.

There are times when I wish him dead, 
To replace him, and to be with you.
Yet, I shudder at the thought,
As I imagine the pain that brings you. 

There are times when I try so much
To be noticed, to be loved by you.
Do you know why we ran together,
Despite my hatred of exercise? 

I realize after long line of thought.
How impossible, infeasible our love is.
Like two poles of magnets, we attracted.
Like oil and water, we can’t mix.

But, I know how to tell you this.
Even if my love will be buried
In a place where noone can reach,
I truly wish the world for you.



Original version:

I don’t know how to tell you this.
You, the embodiment of cuteness,
With smile, you crumble the darkness,
With care, you can melt even the north pole.


I don’t know how to tell you this.
I have been loving you since we met.
It is wrong, they said.
She has a boyfriend, they opposed.


I don’t know how to tell you this.
I envy the guy you love.
Just be him for one day, I wish.
To hold you tightly, to be loved by you.


I don’t know how to tell you this.
Impossible, unfeasible, I notice.
Like two poles of magnet, we attracted.
Like oil and water, we can’t mix.


I know how to tell you this.
I love you with all my heart.
I care for you with all my feeling.
I truly wish the world for you.

[Achebe]

cute poem. some issues with missing articles, etc. pointed out below.

I don’t know how to tell you this.
You, the embodiment of cuteness,
With smile, you crumble the darkness,  .....with a smile. 'slay' or 'melt' more appropriate than 'crumble'
With care, you can melt even the north pole. although you're trying to say 'with the care that you show towards me / other people', using 'with care' as a shorthand is not how you'd go about it. 'With care' can mean other things (eg. with attention, with worries, etc.). Best to carry on from the previous line eg. 'with a smile you slay the darkness, warm the winter, melt the poles.'

I don’t know how to tell you this.
I have been loving you since we met.
It is wrong, they said.
She has a boyfriend, they opposed.


I don’t know how to tell you this.
I envy the guy you love.
Just be him for one day, I wish.  .....to just be him
To hold you tightly, to be loved by you.


I don’t know how to tell you this.
Impossible, unfeasible, I notice.  .....infeasible. The "I notice" makes no sense.
Like two poles of magnet, we attracted. .....poles of a magnet, we attract
Like oil and water, we can’t mix.


I know how to tell you this.
I love you with all my heart.
I care for you with all my feeling.
I truly wish the world for you.

[escher]

The poem is very sweet and has a humility about it. I think it would improve with some line restructuring so it isn't so stop and start and flows along in a more continuous way, for example 

I don’t know how to tell you this.
I have loved you since we met.
It is wrong, they opposed 
She has a boyfriend, they said.

But thats just my personal opinion. 

Another little suggestion… I feel like the poems is ultimately about your longing and not being able to choose who we love - so you could highlight that longing more. Even though you are respectful to her space in the well wishes at the end, I felt like I wanted to connect more with your pain and grief that she is gone.

Hope that was helpful. good luck

[1skylande1]

To all,
Thank you very much for your opinion. I really appreciate it. I will try to improve the poem using your feedback and post the first edit later.

[Enginee]

I think the feeling of this poem is great and very relatable. I liked the comparisons you made with the magnets and the oil. That was a great description. I also enjoyed the line "with care you can even melt the north pole" It helps me picture this person in my mind and your view of this person.

[Sciencegeek]

I thought this was a sweet poem. I think you should add "But" before "I know how to tell you this," for two reasons- I think it would better prepare the reader for the transition from "I don't know" to "I know," and it would keep consistency with the number of syllables from the previous stanzas. Also, I would choose another word for "feeling." I understood what you were saying, but it felt kind of jerky/awkward to me. Great poem!

[Matthew McKeown]

I liked this poem very much, however it is a bit clunky in its reading. Sometimes a poet may want to avoid long sentences. The results may be that we edit our thoughts to the poems detriment. I would suggest re-thinking the use of longer more complete thoughts in your stanzas. 

Thanks, Matt 

I don’t know how to tell you this.
You, the embodiment of cuteness,
With smile, you crumble the darkness,
With care, you can melt even the north pole.


I don’t know how to tell you this.
I have been loving you since we met.
It is wrong, they said.
She has a boyfriend, they opposed.


I don’t know how to tell you this.
I envy the guy you love.
Just be him for one day, I wish.
To hold you tightly, to be loved by you.


I don’t know how to tell you this.
Impossible, unfeasible, I notice.
Like two poles of magnet, we attracted.
Like oil and water, we can’t mix.


I know how to tell you this.
I love you with all my heart.
I care for you with all my feeling.
I truly wish the world for you.

[Erthona]

What Achebe said plus:
______________________________________________________________
I don’t know how to tell you this.
You, the embodiment of cuteness,
With smile, you crumble the darkness,
With care, you can melt even the north pole. (hyperbole is fine, but this is way over the top, it makes the line a farce.)


I don’t know how to tell you this.
I have been loving you since we met.
It is wrong, they said.
She has a boyfriend, they opposed. (awkward and redundant)


I don’t know how to tell you this. (Once is enough)
I envy the guy you love.
Just be him for one day, I wish. (inversion)
(I want) To hold you tightly (and) to be loved by you. (two dependant clauses do not make a sentence. The stanza sounds a little like the Lady Antebellum song, but not as good.)


I don’t know how to tell you this.
Impossible, unfeasible, I notice. (also not a sentence)
Like two poles of magnet, we attracted.
Like oil and water, we can’t mix.  (these are the two best lines in the poem, although saying like twice needs to be rectified.)


I know how to tell you this. (comma)
I love you with all my heart. (cliche, but OK here)
I care for you with all my feeling. (need something fresh, not another cliche)
I truly wish the world for you.(cliche)

Best,

dale

[Acephale]

Hi,

I'm new to the forum and so don't know exactly how to be a critic, but I'll learn. When I'm writing I often ask myself if I can say the same thing using less words. I think you might want to try and do something similar. When reading your first stanza I can cut it in half and still retain the meaning, though the imagery might change. I don't want to put words in your mouth and I'm not sure if anyone else works like that, but it helps me.

Good luck!

[astaroth]

I feel as if the poem would overall be better if you removed the 6th stanza about exercise, it seems unnatural and comes away from the feeling you get from the previous lines but I'm new here so I could be wrong.

[Christy]

I don’t know how to tell you this.
You, the embodiment of cuteness,
With a smile, you can slay the darkness,
Warm the winters, melt the poles.

I don’t know how to tell you this.
I have loved you since we met.
It is wrong, they opposed.
She has a boyfriend, they said.

I don’t know how to tell you this.
I envy the guy you love.
I wish to be him for just one day,
To hold you tightly, to be loved by you.

I hate him truly, and earnestly .
Why did you choose him, and not me
To hold your lovely hands, 
And to be a part of you.

There are times when I wish him dead, 
To replace him, and to be with you.
Yet, I shudder at the thought,
As I imagine the pain that brings you. 

There are times when I try so much
To be noticed, to be loved by you.
Do you know why we ran together,
Despite my hatred of exercise? 

I realize after long line of thought.
How impossible, infeasible our love is.
Like two poles of magnets, we attracted.
Like oil and water, we can’t mix.

But, I know how to tell you this.
Even if my love will be buried
In a place where noone can reach,
I truly wish the world for you.

-------

I like the title. I can relate to it and it immediately establishes expectations. I want to know what you don't know. 
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it appears your narrator 'doesn't know' how to express his affections in person. The tension of the poem thus revolves around the discord and consequential emotions that are subsequent to an inadequate outlet for affection. It appears your narrator has come to know that he hates the object of his subject's affection, but understands that to act upon it is inappropriate. The tension is resolved with resignation. 

My thoughts are..I have no idea, beyond cuteness and a great smile, why your narrator is so affected. I need more to believe the tension is real. I'd like to see an exploration of 'I don't know' how cuteness and a great smile translates into something more, with the lens focused on her, perhaps.

[Jasper]

[quote='1skylande1' pid='205404' dateline='1456138998']
First edit:


I don’t know how to tell you this.
You, the embodiment of cuteness,
With a smile, you can slay the darkness,
Warm the winters, melt the poles.

I don’t know how to tell you this.
I have loved you since we met.
It is wrong, they opposed.
She has a boyfriend, they said.

I don’t know how to tell you this.
I envy the guy you love.
I wish to be him for just one day,
To hold you tightly, to be loved by you.

I hate him truly, and earnestly .
Why did you choose him, and not me
To hold your lovely hands, 
And to be a part of you.

There are times when I wish him dead, 
To replace him, and to be with you.
Yet, I shudder at the thought,
As I imagine the pain that brings you. 

There are times when I try so much
To be noticed, to be loved by you.
Do you know why we ran together,
Despite my hatred of exercise? 

I realize after long line of thought. "a long line" 
How impossible, infeasible our love is.
Like two poles of magnets, we attracted.
Like oil and water, we can’t mix.

But, I know how to tell you this.
Even if my love will be buried
In a place where noone can reach, "no one" instead of "noone"
I truly wish the world for you.

Your rhyme scheme here is irregular; I think you might be better off either keeping it constant or abandoning it, because your first few rhymes were a bit forced and awkward. This piece sounded to me like it would fit better as prose. I did like your metaphors in the first and seventh stanzas. I didn't have any trouble understanding your point in this poem.