The Rain

[mackzmike]

Charcoal vapors permeated
salmon-colored skies,
thunder rumbled, rippled
and cracked the heavens,
flushing down a rain,
steady and insidious,
like madness.

The flowers drowned,
the trees grew heavy and saturated;
they flaked and crumbled
to the earth, like ashes.
Rain filled the lungs of children
who reached for elders
with shriveled hands
as water poured out their
noses, ears, and eyes.
They’re cries, ignored by hollow heads
that pounded
incessantly,
like ticking metronomes.
They prayed for the rain to stop,
and they killed all those who didn’t
pray as they did.

Torrents of rain beat the backs of giants
who struggled to uphold the foundation
of conglomerates;
they’re souls, crushed in the name of
greed; their epitaph,
banal slogans.
Streams and rivers and lakes and oceans
overfilled, and poured into
houses and towns and cities and states.
Countries declared war on the rain,
and fired rockets wildly into the heavens.
Debris filled the atmosphere with death,
and the eyes of the living became clouded, cold,
and deranged.
Savages, they divided,
and slaughtered one another,
until all that was left was
black smoke stacks that silently rose
to the sky.

The rain stopped.
Shallow gusts swept the floors
and buried the remains
of a fallen empire.
The sun beamed through dissipating clouds,
and it looked, blithely,
upon the earth,
and continued to burn.

[ellajam]

That's two workshop threads with 24 hours. Come on Mike, give the rules a read. Thread will re-open when it complies with our few rules, feedback before posting and only one thread started per day in the workshops.

[ellajam]

Open for business.

[Achebe]

Since you see yourself as a 'novice' (from the Latin for 'new'), I'm hopeful that you won't find the feedback here too discouraging.
The poem you have posted has the following flaws:

1) It tells a story as a straight story. You must ask yourself why you're not writing it out in prose, because the poem reads at the moment like disjointed prose with line breaks. What makes a poem a poem? A good place to start is http://www.firesides.ca/poemtips.htm, which is a link I stole from ellajam here.

2) Sticking to the theme of content, the story seems to be an apocalyptic fantasy of a future worldwide flood. You could have done a lot with it. For instance, you could have thrown in an allusion to the Biblical flood, or hinted at global warming and how a future flood is inevitable, or both. You could have talked about the 'rain of fire' on Dresden, and the 'rain of chemical weapons' on the Kurds. There are many kinds of rain, and many layers you can wrap around your central theme, giving it depth, enigma, and a lasting quality. You did no such thing, and what you have is a plain tale full of loose ends and loopholes (why were rockets fired at the sky? how on earth can there be rain everywhere at the same time? If there's a low pressure zone somewhere there's a high pressure zone somewhere else!!). The loopholes prevent me from taking your tale seriously, and the lack of a secondary meaning prevents me from liking it in any other way.

3) My comments on the first stanza below. Similar observations could be applied to the rest of the poem.

Charcoal vapors permeated ...... you don't need to describe clouds as 'charcoal vapours' because it doesn't add to up a rich image, and is confusing moreover. You mean 'charcoal coloured vapours', but 'charcoal vapours' makes me think of sublimated carbon, of soot particles, and I'm thinking smoke before you know it. When I read the next line I realise it's 'charcoal coloured vapours' and I'm thinking 'why the hell didn't he just say "clouds"?' Talking about everyday things in a fancy way is not poetry.
salmon-colored skies, ...see, if charcoal coloured vapours i.e. black, low lying, rain bearing clouds have 'permeated' the sky (spread everywhere), then the sky can't be salmon colored.
thunder rumbled, rippled ....entirely cliche, but not everything can be original, so ok.
and cracked the heavens, ...'heavens' for 'sky' is cliche, the idea of thunder or lightning 'cracking the heavens' or 'splitting the sky' is cliche too. can't have 2 cliched lines one after the other. Note that it is still possible to get away with a cliched expression by changing the word order, splitting it across two lines in an interesting way...basically, anything that makes it less boring.
flushing down a rain,
steady and insidious, 
like madness. ... on its own, the 'madness' here sounds random. I am not sure, even, if madness can be described as 'steady and insidious' - at least in a percentage of cases, it progressively increases over time. However, this analogy apart, I suppose the reason you introduced 'madness' in this line was to anticipate the 'madness' that the world engages in later on in the poem. It actually doesn't work, because the apocalyptic scenario you paint is so extreme (and scientifically questionable, ref. above), that burning down a building or two (how, I wonder, in the incessant rain), and overthrowing corporate empires, doesn't strike the reader as being insane acts. The only 'madness' I discern in the poem is the firing of rockets into the sky. But in a world where trees flake 'like ashes' in the rain, even that may not be a particularly unreasonable thing to do.

[Bucca]

I like the theme of the poem and think you are onto a good start. But I feel like everything is stuffed in at once without creating richness to the poem. There's too much cliche without a solid imagery. I think simplifying it a bit would help. The rain triggered chaos in the world, and that can be clearly seen in your poem, but it's hard to relate to. There's too many things going on at once.

But still it's a good base to work on and play around with!

[ellajam]

Hi, mack, welcome to the Pen. IMO this poem would benefit from being moved to at least the Mild forum, it's a strong piece that need some cleaning up. It seems severely over-comma-ed to me, if you'd like it moved just speak up. I put a few notes on the first two strophes below.

Charcoal vapors permeated
salmon-colored skies, I don't think you need "colored", maybe a semicolon.
thunder rumbled, rippled I'd prefer rippled dropped down to the next line.
and cracked the heavens,
flushing down a rain,
steady and insidious, No comma.
like madness.

The flowers drowned,
the trees grew heavy and saturated;
they flaked and crumbled
to the earth, like ashes. Ashes are dry, I think you could do better her.
Rain filled the lungs of children
who reached for elders I don't think you need "for elders with", shrivel hands might do it.
with shriveled hands
as water poured out their
noses, ears, and eyes.
They’re cries, ignored by hollow heads Their, were instead of comma.
that pounded
incessantly,
like ticking metronomes.
They prayed for the rain to stop,
and they killed all those who didn’t
pray as they did.

Torrents of rain beat the backs of giants
who struggled to uphold the foundation
of conglomerates;
they’re souls, crushed in the name of
greed; their epitaph,
banal slogans.
Streams and rivers and lakes and oceans
overfilled, and poured into
houses and towns and cities and states.
Countries declared war on the rain,
and fired rockets wildly into the heavens.
Debris filled the atmosphere with death,
and the eyes of the living became clouded, cold,
and deranged.
Savages, they divided,
and slaughtered one another,
until all that was left was
black smoke stacks that silently rose
to the sky.

The rain stopped.
Shallow gusts swept the floors
and buried the remains
of a fallen empire.
The sun beamed through dissipating clouds,
and it looked, blithely,
upon the earth,
and continued to burn.

[rocky20]

Charcoal vapors permeated - I like this imagery, but feel "permeated" isn't the correct verb since it would mean the vapors have dispersed themselves across the sky, which isn't the image I think you are looking for
salmon-colored skies,
thunder rumbled, rippled
and cracked the heavens,
flushing down a rain,
steady and insidious,
like madness. - good switch in tone

The flowers drowned,
the trees grew heavy and saturated;
they flaked and crumbled
to the earth, like ashes.
Rain filled the lungs of children
who reached for elders
with shriveled hands
as water poured out their
noses, ears, and eyes.
They’re cries, ignored by hollow heads - do you mean "they're" or "thier"? Not sure what the intended meaning is
that pounded
incessantly,
like ticking metronomes.
They prayed for the rain to stop,
and they killed all those who didn’t - best line, I think!
pray as they did.

Torrents of rain beat the backs of giants
who struggled to uphold the foundation
of conglomerates;
they’re souls, crushed in the name of - again, problem with the they're usage - clear it up by using "they are" if that's what you really mean
greed; their epitaph,
banal slogans.
Streams and rivers and lakes and oceans
overfilled, and poured into
houses and towns and cities and states.
Countries declared war on the rain,
and fired rockets wildly into the heavens.
Debris filled the atmosphere with death,
and the eyes of the living became clouded, cold,
and deranged.
Savages, they divided,
and slaughtered one another, - lots of ands in this stanza - perhaps shortening it up and making it more choppy would actually help the rhythm and message all in one wallop
until all that was left was
black smoke stacks that silently rose
to the sky.

The rain stopped.
Shallow gusts swept the floors
and buried the remains
of a fallen empire.
The sun beamed through dissipating clouds,
and it looked, blithely,
upon the earth,
and continued to burn.

LOVE this! I love the symbology of the rain and how it flows over all, whether they ask for it or not. I also feel this poem would be well served in the Mild forum since it deserves more intense critiques! Very nicely done.