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Love isn’t useful,
A soul can’t be eroded if it knows love,
People can’t be bought or sold if they know love,
Can’t be bullshitted, or controlled, or fucked through the skull & up the arse,
can’t be bullied, or bribed, or bled, or swallowed up & shat out.
No, love is not useful.
It must be vilified, and laughed at, and spat on, and destroyed!
No, people should not love one another,
and God forbid that they love themselves!
We must put razors in their minds,
Clingfilm over their hearts,
Batteries up their arseholes
And padlocks over their genitals.
We must delude and distract them with cardboard fantasies of two-dimensional icons, born out of a synthetic reality.
We must choke them on plastic food, preserved and fortified with twenty different flavours of piss & shit.
We must convince them that their friends are their enemies, and their enemies are their friends,
Put guns in their hands,
And then..Finally!....They will be useful.
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It's strange to see a poem with raw and uncensored language that feigns some sort of politeness (in my opinion) with punctuation and capitalization. I'm less bothered by the capitalization, but the senseless punctuation makes it a disaster to read. You seem to be ending sentences with commas. The ellipses at the end is infuriating. First there are only two full stops, then there are four that follow the exclamation point. Given how the rest of the poem is structured, I'd just replace those with line breaks.
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"Or, if a poet writes a poem, then immediately commits suicide (as any decent poet should)..." -- Erthona
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i like it by god but only for the language which would work if the whole premise wasn't flawed from the start. love does not make a soul, a foot and eye or anything else immune from erosion or pain, in fact i'm sure when you are in love you feel your soul being eroded all the fucking more. my second problem comes with the question "what is the poems intent other than a rant at love"
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(03-02-2016, 02:22 AM)billy Wrote: i like it by god but only for the language which would work if the whole premise wasn't flawed from the start. love does not make a soul, a foot and eye or anything else immune from erosion or pain, in fact i'm sure when you are in love you feel your soul being eroded all the fucking more. my second problem comes with the question "what is the poems intent other than a rant at love"
*sigh* It doesn't matter.
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I think this poem does have potential, you may just have to contemplate a little longer on what exactly it is you want to say. I like the sarcastic voice it carries and the pessimistic view of love vs control can be explored more. I agree the grammar choices were a bit distracting (much more so than the language, which also seemed a bit forced or put in for show). Saying a message with truth and strength is better than flashing it up, in my humble opinion.
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(03-01-2016, 04:13 PM)Icon Zero Wrote: Love isn’t useful,
A soul can’t be eroded if it knows love,
People can’t be bought or sold if they know love,
Can’t be bullshitted, or controlled, or fucked through the skull & up the arse,
can’t be bullied, or bribed, or bled, or swallowed up & shat out.
No, love is not useful.
It must be vilified, and laughed at, and spat on, and destroyed!
No, people should not love one another,
and God forbid that they love themselves!
We must put razors in their minds,
Clingfilm over their hearts,
Batteries up their arseholes
And padlocks over their genitals.
We must delude and distract them with cardboard fantasies of two-dimensional icons, born out of a synthetic reality.
We must choke them on plastic food, preserved and fortified with twenty different flavours of piss & shit.
We must convince them that their friends are their enemies, and their enemies are their friends,
Put guns in their hands,
And then..Finally!....They will be useful.
Hi, IZ, this is nicely "In your face". I think you've made a mistake with the "can't"s in S1, I think they would work better as "can"s. It would keep the opening fully sarcastic.
I'm not sure the long lines add anything to the poem, I think there are some interesting breaks that can be found in them.
Good luck with it, thanks for the read.
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i really enjoy the way its written as a new flash or an emergency bulliten, even if it was too brash for my taste it brings your point across.
put perhaps too much announcing to feel like prose
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