The Plastic Bag
#1
Edit 1


Four floors up my morning routine pauses,
I keep watch in that quiet moment,
leaning on the window-sill, fogging the glass,
I slip away and wait, watch the street
even if he makes me late.

“He’s here” I say out loud,
loud enough to clang the jailers key
but there’s only me inside.
Outside the day blows all things east
everyone has to walk at an angle.

He marches in polished shoes,
pressed trousers needle
through a forced open raincoat,
the button straining as much as his face,
he never sees me,
whatever the weather.

I would normally watch all his steps
but today the wind has filled a plastic bag,
it moves like a Chinese dragon
towards my window,
breathing fire into my face.
Then it’s gone and I chase its tail
back towards the pavement.

He has been watching the same
spiralled dance.
His gaze puts a hand inside me,
pressing my boiled up blood,
it pushes me from the window
then pulls me back,
forced to look again,

He's still there
smiling up at me,

I tremble as I wave.


Original

The kettle grumbles loudly
before it settles down,
four floors up my routine steps on,
pressed on quartz for each pulse.

I keep watch in that quiet moment,
leaning on the window sill, arms folded
I slip away and wait, watch the street
even if he makes me late.

“He’s here” I say out loud,
loud enough to clang the jailers key
but there’s only me inside.
Outside the day blows all things east
everyone has to walk at an angle.

You march in polished shoes,
pressed trousers needle
through a forced open raincoat
the button straining as much as your face,
he never sees me,
whatever the weather.

I would normally watch all your steps
but today the wind has filled a plastic bag,
it moves like a Chinese dragon
towards my window,
breathing fire into my face.
Then it’s gone and I chase its tail
back towards my morning man.

But you have been watching
the same spiralled dance.
Your gaze puts a hand inside me,
pressing my boiled up blood
it pushes me from the window
then pulls me back
with the same pounding excitement.
I look again,
and you are still there

smiling up at me,
I wave.

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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#2
Hi Keith - I like this, there's a lot going on within the static frame of a window. The 'you' feels a bit intrusive, not sure why. Have you tired it using 'he'? I love the Chinese dragon, all the tensions of the scene actually.
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#3
(02-27-2016, 07:50 AM)just mercedes Wrote:  Hi Keith - I like this, there's a lot going on within the static frame of a window. The 'you' feels a bit intrusive, not sure why. Have you tired it using 'he'? I love the Chinese dragon, all the tensions of the scene actually.

Hi JM many thanks for the feedback, I like your suggestion and have made a small edit as you suggested. Much appreciated, Keith

If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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