Like a Walk in the Park

[Linda]

I'm the basis for time well spent.
I do my job well, been at it since the beginning.
If you could see me, first thing you'll notice
is the shine on my tattooed head.
Listen close, hear the chain of my pocket watch clinking--
the creaking of leather--black.
No need to carry a pipe in my steel tip boot
cause when my dark feathered wing
brushes your cheek like a butterfly kiss
you wont fight, you'll chill--eyes glazed,
your baggage thrown away.
A cold halo will fall around you,
then it happens, you'll feel lost then found,
like an orphan who just found momma,
you might call out to a saint or higher power.
Ain't nothing gonna keep you from your rightful white light.
Ill take anyone, no age requirements for this gig.
I'm the one who pries you from your tight fitting body,
no hassles or demons to wrestle,
just the glare of unspeakable light--its better than sex
and it lasts forever,
Nothing can pull you from your roots,
take you as far and as fast
and on a good day when I'm at my bitchin best
like a heat seeking missile--you'll be gone.

[Todd]

Hi Linda, Let me give you some comments on this one.

Ever since I read "Eyes Fastened with Pins" by Simic, I've had a soft spot for Grim Reaper poems. 

So from the title death is something that just occurs, a common leisurely event.

I'm the basis for time well spent.--You use well twice. Here and on Line 3. I don't think the repetition helps you. Perhaps a simple substitution like "best" on this line. It would also give you some slight alliteration.
I do my job well, been at it since the beginning.--like the conversational tone and the few moments that explain the internal cosmology. This feels a bit though like the unedited dialogue in fiction. I think it probably needs one cut to remove extraneous words and pare this down to something a little smoother. The conversational tone brought you here, and I think you can keep the tone it's just that some of the words are functioning as a scaffolding and could be pulled away. This is an overall comment and not restricted to this line. As an example here you might say I have I'm in line one, do I need the first phrase here: I do my job well. You could condense: "been at this job since the beginning" Let the reader determine how well the job is done by the actions. That was just an illustration to get you thinking.
If you could see me, first thing you'll notice
is the shine on my tattooed head.--so not a bare skull--interesting. Feels like it may be drawing from something more like Egyptian.
Listen close, hear the chain of my pocket watch clinking-- I love the idea of death carrying a watch. It makes me think that the ticking stops when there's someone who dies. It also gives the sense of the limit of our time on earth, a fixed end. The chain reminds me of more than just the watch chain. I think of the allusion to the chains of ghosts (typical haunting, Jacob Marley, things like that)?
the creaking of leather--black.
No need to carry a pipe in my steel tip boot
cause when my dark feathered wing
brushes your cheek like a butterfly kiss--This was my first stumble. I think about that dumb Butterfly Kisses song from a few years ago. This is a definite bump and cliche. I'd look for a better alternative.
you wont fight, you'll chill--eyes glazed,--Typo (missing an apostrophe on won't) You'll chill sounds very colloquial--maybe too much so. 
your baggage thrown away.
A cold halo will fall around you,--If you're going say this, do you need chill above?
then it happens, you'll feel lost then found,
like an orphan who just found momma,
you might call out to a saint or higher power.
Ain't nothing gonna keep you from your rightful white light.--These lines are an interesting interpretation. I like rightful here as if death is a right, not a privilege.
Ill take anyone, no age requirements for this gig. 
I'm the one who pries you from your tight fitting body,--I like the content of this line.
no hassles or demons to wrestle,
just the glare of unspeakable light--its better than sex--unspeakable light is nice. I might prefer a line break after it to the dash you have, though that's debatable.
and it lasts forever,
Nothing can pull you from your roots,
take you as far and as fast
and on a good day when I'm at my bitchin best
like a heat seeking missile--you'll be gone.--You have a death that adjusts with the times in language. It's an interesting take. (hypen between heat-seeking). 

I hope some of that will be helpful.

Best,

Todd

[Knot]

Hi Linda

I'm the basis for time well spent.
I do my job well, been at it since the beginning.
For me there's a slight (theological?) inconsistency between lines 1 & 2.
In 1 the subject is 'death', in 2 it appears to be 'the angel of death'.
That said, I like the casual, conversational voice of the narrator.

If you could see me, first thing you'll notice
is the shine on my tattooed head.
Why can N not be seen?
I think becomes an issue because what follows is a largely visual description.
Like 'tattooed head', nicely unexpected, but then you go on to describe
something of a 'skin-head' figure, so it does make sense.

Listen close, hear the chain of my pocket watch clinking--
the creaking of leather--black.
Don't understand the -- here.  What's wrong with more 'normal' punctuation.
Like the pocket watch (sent me to the white rabbit for a moment, but that's fine).
'black' after leather seems a poor and predictable choice, why not 'oiled' or something?

No need to carry a pipe in my steel tip boot
cause when my dark feathered wing
brushes your cheek like a butterfly kiss
you wont fight, you'll chill--eyes glazed,
your baggage thrown away.
Would one carry a pipe in boot?  Not sure,
but why would the narrator even be considering doing so?
I like the 'wing brushes your cheek', but 'butterfly kiss' is very clichéd.
Also, is N if invisible how would 'you' know there was anything to fight
(in the 'pipe in the boot' sense?)

A cold halo will fall around you,
then it happens, you'll feel lost then found,
like an orphan who just found momma,
'cold halo' works really well.
'lost the found...'  I thought this an interesting idea, could you elaborate on it?

you might call out to a saint or higher power.
Ain't nothing gonna keep you from your rightful white light.
Ill take anyone, no age requirements for this gig.
I'm the one who pries you from your tight fitting body,
no hassles or demons to wrestle,
I don't find this section either sufficiently interesting or convincing.
The 'white light' cliché pales (as it were)  against the terrific 'unspeakable light'
If 'pries you from...' then the question is how?

just the glare of unspeakable light--its better than sex
and it lasts forever,

Nothing can pull you from your roots,
take you as far and as fast
This seems to be a (much better) reworking of 'pries you from'

and on a good day when I'm at my bitchin best
like a heat seeking missile--you'll be gone.
I like the irony of 'good day', but the voice of the narrator
doesn't sound the same here as it did at the beginning
('bitchin best', 'heat seeking missile').
For me the voice changes at 'chill'.

I do like the tone of the piece, the title and the characterisation,
but what I can't figure out is to whom the narrator is speaking, or why.

Best,  Knot.

[Linda]

thanks for looking in Knot, much to consider. Who does any narrator speak to but the reader. Why? I'm sure you can answer that, why does any one write a poem.
Regards,
Linda

---

Hi Richard,
I appreciate your valid suggestions. I will be considering the great feedback I see here and take from it what I can, I will definitely nix what seems redundant, and cliche, then post again.
thanks,
Linda

[Knot]

Hi Linda,

Clearly I was lacking in clarity.
I certainly wasn't asking why one writes a poem
(couldn't begin to answer that one myself, not with any certainty).
What I was trying to articulate (I think) was
'what is the Character's motivation' - hope this makes sense.

Best, Knot.

[Linda]

Yes that makes sense, I would say it is implied, the whole piece is a description of what he does well, telling us poor mortals what to expect when he makes his presence. In a way he reassures us how easy the transition will be. At least that is what I hope was conveyed.
Regards, Linda