My first poem-Plz help

[Grim]

This was done for my creative writing class on the topic of the transcendentalist ideology from a modern Pov
“I feel this attempt at a poem needs a little pre-poem explanation I took the main transcendentalist-ish tenant in my life which i don’t compromise and even that thought can be easily lost in depression or our daily troubles I feel this poem summarizes that tenant and my hope that my generation follows this and chases  their dreams[b](although these dreams may be constantly changing) for their future simply not stopping until that is achieved even if that dream is too smile, along with that this poem symbolizes the disappoint I see in those who have compromised their Beliefs for those of  others or simply fearing their own capabilities.”[/b]


“This poem is a warning and fear about compromise”
If life is an iPod
Is it fair to say we’ve left our life’s on shuffle
But here's the trouble
I think it's somehow worse
Some of us have simply accepted
In our feeling thoughts hopelessly inflected
That our dreams everyday are shrinking
That perhaps  we’ve done too much rethinking
That thought that when our eyeballs quit blinking
Will we even find all we were seeking
or will they find  us in our cubicles still reeking
As a kid I propose, If life is an a iPod that by compromising
That maybe we aren’t even playing a song at all we’ve picked,
perhaps we've defaulted Instead
Losing ideals our lives our thoughts our head
We’ve just left the thing we’ve fled
Ignoring the problems taking the med
Disregarding our hopes as they’ve hopelessly bleed
Huh there is a lot to be said but
With all this dread 
Even youtube is starting to look a little red




I'm seeking general help on the revision of this poem as i know very little  about poetry and feel this is probably pretty rough along with an title 

[Magpie]

Hi G, (It doesn't feel right to call you Grim)
This is not bad considering it is your first ever poem. At the moment it's not overly poetic and there is a lot of stuff that can be cut out without losing any of your original meaning. But right from the first line you've got a metaphor which is a good path to be on. I see you've tried to use rhyme, but without any structure to the lines the rhyme doesn't always work and a lot of words feel as though they are there for the sake of the rhyme. Poetry doesn't always have to rhyme. I've left a few notes below mostly concerning what you could take out and then you can develop the rest more easily.

“This poem is a warning and fear about compromise” -- Working title?? It could even be just 'Compromise' just for the moment
If life is an iPod -- Good start and good metaphor to get going
Is it fair to say we’ve left our life’s on shuffle -- not sure how well 'on shuffle' translates to everyone. I'm not a techy thingy. If you were to use that term this line could simply be 'are we on shuffle?' -- Also, use punctuation to help the reader navigate easier.
But here's the trouble
I think it's somehow worse  -- Don't really need these two lines
and have Some of us have simply accepted 
In our feeling thoughts hopelessly inflected
that our dreams everyday are shrinking.
That perhaps  we’ve done too much rethinking
That thought that when our eyeballs quit blinking -- Careful of repeating words unnecessarily, there are 4 'that' in three lines. Read it out loud and you'll hear it straight away and know to change it.
I'll say something on these couple of lines and then I'll leave it at that for the moment because this is the novice forum and we can't really go into great depth.  
"[b]That thought that when our eyeballs quit blinking" -- Do eyeballs blink?? You could say something like...[/b]
[b]When our eyelids have closed for the last time[/b]
[b]will our final thought be.... -- I'll leave you to continue as it is your poem.[/b]
Will we even find all we were seeking
or will they find  us in our cubicles still reeking
As a kid I propose, If life is an a iPod that by compromising
That maybe we aren’t even playing a song at all we’ve picked,
perhaps we've defaulted Instead
Losing ideals our lives our thoughts our head
We’ve just left the thing we’ve fled
Ignoring the problems taking the med
Disregarding our hopes as they’ve hopelessly bleed
Huh there is a lot to be said but
With all this dread 
Even youtube is starting to look a little red

That's about as much as I want to say in this forum but also I want you to write it. You've got the ideas and now a little direction of how it can be taken. Cut away what isn't necessary. If you can cut a whole line out and then read the poem and it says the same without it, then you don't need that line. Only keep what is necessary. Also choose images carefully so that they make sense, what do you really mean by "in our cubicles still reeking"

Thanks for the read, I look forward to see how you develop it further.

Mark

[ellajam]

First, kudos to you for attempting to improve your poem. I didn't read your intro past the first line as the poem should speak for itself but I hope your teacher urged you to read a lot of poetry before attempting  your poem.

A few thoughts on what you've presented here:

Give your poem a title, preferably one that will entice the reader to continue.

L1: I'd cut it, the poem should explain itself.

Life on shuffle is a fine idea.

Fix your typos before asking anyone to read it (we've left our lives, random capitalized words, etc.).

It might be easier to follow some of your lines if you added full punctuation rather than the two commas you have.

Capitalizing each line is not mandatory, it is a choice each poet makes for each poem, many never do it. You might consider whether or not it is helping you here.

Go through and see how many words you can cut while keeping and maybe crystallizing the meaning.
Ex: Life is an Ipod left on shuffle.

I hope you enjoy your course.

“This poem is a warning and fear about compromise”
If life is an iPod
Is it fair to say we’ve left our life’s on shuffle
But here's the trouble
I think it's somehow worse
Some of us have simply accepted
In our feeling thoughts hopelessly inflected
That our dreams everyday are shrinking
That perhaps  we’ve done too much rethinking
That thought that when our eyeballs quit blinking
Will we even find all we were seeking
or will they find  us in our cubicles still reeking
As a kid I propose, If life is an a iPod that by compromising
That maybe we aren’t even playing a song at all we’ve picked,
perhaps we've defaulted Instead
Losing ideals our lives our thoughts our head
We’ve just left the thing we’ve fled
Ignoring the problems taking the med
Disregarding our hopes as they’ve hopelessly bleed
Huh there is a lot to be said but
With all this dread
Even youtube is starting to look a little red

[billy]

hi grim. not bad for a 1st poem. if it needs a pre poem explanation then it needs an edit so it doesn't need an explanation.title the the thing, even if it's a place holding title. i notice you say ipod...it should be ipad, but if you did it on purpose i could be quite clever. some of the rhymes feels forced and expected. anyone can put ing on the end of a word to make it rhyme. watch out for unwarranted repetition

This was done for my creative writing class on the topic of the transcendentalist ideology from a modern Pov
“I feel this attempt at a poem needs a little pre-poem explanation I took the main transcendentalist-ish tenant in my life which i don’t compromise and even that thought can be easily lost in depression or our daily troubles I feel this poem summarizes that tenant and my hope that my generation follows this and chases  their dreams[b](although these dreams may be constantly changing) for their future simply not stopping until that is achieved even if that dream is too smile, along with that this poem symbolizes the disappoint I see in those who have compromised their Beliefs for those of  others or simply fearing their own capabilities.”[/b]


“This poem is a warning and fear about compromise”
If life is an iPod
Is it fair to say we’ve left our life’s on shuffle lives
But here's the trouble
I think it's somehow worse
Some of us have simply accepted
In our feeling thoughts hopelessly inflected
That our dreams everyday are shrinking
That perhaps  we’ve done too much rethinking
That thought that when our eyeballs quit blinking eyeballs don't blink
Will we even find all we were seeking
or will they find  us in our cubicles still reeking
As a kid I propose, If life is an a iPod that by compromising
That maybe we aren’t even playing a song at all we’ve picked,
perhaps we've defaulted Instead
Losing ideals our lives our thoughts our head
We’ve just left the thing we’ve fled
Ignoring the problems taking the med
Disregarding our hopes as they’ve hopelessly bleed
Huh there is a lot to be said but
With all this dread 
Even youtube is starting to look a little red




I'm seeking general help on the revision of this poem as i know very little  about poetry and feel this is probably pretty rough along with an title 

[QDeathstar]

Ipod is correct I'm pretty sure

[Kal19]

I am new the platform and please forgive me if I have made mistake in reviewing your material.

I could see a Vision in your poem and I love poets who use poem (any art for that matter ) as a tool to convey their vision rather than writing poem for just the sake of it, You know like "I know to do this style".

It's well written for me but lacked a little clarity at few parts.

I found that pre poem explanation a little odd, as a reader I prefer to read the poem first and find my own truth in it and after that may be read an explanation from the poet or critic, to compare my findings to others. (Mentioning this because you have written about the pre poem explanation. )

"I think it's somehow worse
Some of us have simply accepted
In our feeling thoughts hopelessly inflected"

these parts were unclear for me.

Use of modern lifestyle words in expressing the same old anguish of human being was a nice method .

Keep going and all the best my friend

[Achebe]

I started with a line by line crit of the poem and then gave up.
Overall, you've tried too hard to rhyme and the sentences come across as contrived as a result.
Suggest you write out the lines as you intend to say them, and use rhyme occasionally to stitch the poem together, if that makes sense.

[Julius]

Perhaps it's just a matter of preference, but I felt unsettled by the disjointed rhyme scheme. I would have felt more settled and therefore able to better absorb the message in the poem if it had been written in rhyming couplets or, alternatively, entirely in free verse without the patchy rhyming scheme. I certainly feel you have successfully created an air of "being led by the nose" in a direction you feel you should resist, but probably have little choice. Well done for that.

[1skylande1]

Personally,  I think some lines can be written in a shorter and more concise while retaining their original meaning.  For example, the second line 

"Is it fair to say,
Shuffled, life must be." 

Also, I prefer cutting poem into stanzas to leaving the poems as a wall of text.