Thoughts on an unknown Lady

[Julius]

( I belong to a writer's group and we are tasked with writing, poetry or prose, about a photo we were all given. I will attempt to attach a copy of the photo to this piece and would be grateful for any feedback)

Thoughts on an Unknown Lady(Revised)

Good day Madam........
or should I say Bonjour Madame,
for there is, to my eyes,
a certain je ne sais quoi
about you.
You wear age with grace
as you pose on your chair,
legs crossed
in elegant modesty.
I wonder, could it be
you were once on display;
a cinema screen or catwalk perhaps..........
in your younger years.
You dress yourself in black
with confidence.
You know your jewellery will add
style,
sophistication,
go well with black.
So I must wonder............
Why the red hat?





Thoughts on an Unknown Lady

Good day Madam......
or perhaps Bonjour Madame,
for there is a certain look
a certain je ne sais quoi
about you.
You are not young
yet you pose on a chair,
legs crossed
in elegant modesty.
Perhaps you were once on display,
a cinema screen or catwalk perhaps......
in your younger years.
You dress yourself in black
confidently.
You know your jewellery will add
style,
Sophistication,
go well with black;
and so I must wonder......
Why the red hat?

(I have been unable to insert a jpg image from my desktop - please try to imagine a fairly elderly, rather elegant lady dressed in black wearing a large red hat )

[aschueler]

Interesting, will post more later, but the ellipses disturb me more than help with flow

[just mercedes]

I don't like the repeats of 'certain' and 'perhaps', and the ellipses add nothing. In fact they're not ellipses, just a row of dots, annoying. I wonder if the woman is a member of The Red Hat Society? http://redhatsociety.com/about/mission

[Julius]

( I belong to a writer's group and we are tasked with writing, poetry or prose, about a photo we were all given. I will attempt to attach a copy of the photo to this piece and would be grateful for any feedback)

Thoughts on an Unknown Lady


Good day Madam......
or perhaps Bonjour Madame,
for there is a certain look
a certain je ne sais quoi
about you.
You are not young
yet you pose on a chair,
legs crossed
in elegant modesty.
Perhaps you were once on display,
a cinema screen or catwalk perhaps......
in your younger years.
You dress yourself in black
confidently.
You know your jewellery will add
style,
Sophistication,
go well with black;
and so I must wonder......
Why the red hat?

(I have been unable to insert a jpg image from my desktop - please try to imagine a fairly elderly, rather elegant lady dressed in black wearing a large red hat )

Interesting, will post more later, but the ellipses disturb me more than help with flow

Thank you for reading, I do hope you come back 

[aschueler]

( I belong to a writer's group and we are tasked with writing, poetry or prose, about a photo we were all given. I will attempt to attach a copy of the photo to this piece and would be grateful for any feedback)

Thoughts on an Unknown Lady


Good day Madam......
or perhaps Bonjour Madame,
for there is a certain look
a certain je ne sais quoi
about you.
You are not young  This line I don't care for, couple of reasons.  One is I don't see the contrast between not being young and posing on a chair.  Also, it brings to mind "You are old father William..."
yet you pose on a chair,.
legs crossed
in elegant modesty.  I do like the French elegant lady so far though.
Perhaps you were once on display,
a cinema screen or catwalk perhaps......
in your younger years.  Repeating age creates tension here I thought was on purpose but on re re reading not sure and seems to either miss the reason we are fixed on her age or it's an accident.
You dress yourself in black
confidently.
You know your jewellery will add  Was amused at jewellery, didnt know that was British spelling
style,
Sophistication,
go well with black;
and so I must wonder......
Why the red hat?  I like the end but expected something about age.

(I have been unable to insert a jpg image from my desktop - please try to imagine a fairly elderly, rather elegant lady dressed in black wearing a large red hat )

[Julius]

I don't like the repeats of 'certain' and 'perhaps', and the ellipses add nothing. In fact they're not ellipses, just a row of dots, annoying. I wonder if the woman is a member of The Red Hat Society? http://redhatsociety.com/about/mission

Thank you  just mercedes for reading and your comments. I think I shall have to do something about the repeats. The “rows of dots” - ah, I will be expected to read this piece to other members of a group and they really just represent moments when I shall pause slightly as if considering what I want to say. The whole poem, when read aloud is supposed to seem uncertain with me exposing the realisation that my interpretation may be well off the mark.

I had never heard of the Red Hat Society. So thank you for that info. If I had known I might have written a very different poem

---

( I belong to a writer's group and we are tasked with writing, poetry or prose, about a photo we were all given. I will attempt to attach a copy of the photo to this piece and would be grateful for any feedback)

Thoughts on an Unknown Lady


Good day Madam......
or perhaps Bonjour Madame,
for there is a certain look
a certain je ne sais quoi
about you.
You are not young  This line I don't care for, couple of reasons.  One is I don't see the contrast between not being young and posing on a chair.  Also, it brings to mind "You are old father William..."
yet you pose on a chair,.
legs crossed
in elegant modesty.  I do like the French elegant lady so far though.
Perhaps you were once on display,
a cinema screen or catwalk perhaps......
in your younger years.  Repeating age creates tension here I thought was on purpose but on re re reading not sure and seems to either miss the reason we are fixed on her age or it's an accident.
You dress yourself in black
confidently.
You know your jewellery will add  Was amused at jewellery, didnt know that was British spelling
style,
Sophistication,
go well with black;
and so I must wonder......
Why the red hat?  I like the end but expected something about age.

(I have been unable to insert a jpg image from my desktop - please try to imagine a fairly elderly, rather elegant lady dressed in black wearing a large red hat )

Thank you ascheuler for your thoughtful comments. I can see your point about harping on about age. As I see it in the photo the lady must be at least 70 years old, but seems happy to dress up, make up and confidently pose managing to look dignified and elegant. Definitely not “mutton dressed as lamb” but “mutton dressed as elegant mutton”. Somehow I do need to refer to her age but really as a compliment so I must think around that idea.
Sorry about the spelling – as has been said before “Two nations divided by a common language.” lol.
Thank you again for coming back and your helpful comments.

[aschueler]

---

Sorry about the spelling – as has been said before “Two nations divided by a common language.” lol.
Thank you again for coming back and your helpful comments.

That was hilarious, never heard that before.  No need to apologize, as you have 'the original';  I am used to colour/color but had not seen jewellery.

[Julius]

Thank you both for your useful suggestions. I have made some changes using them and hope you feel the poem is improved. Note, the dots are an aid to reading aloud when I intend to briefly pause as if searching for the right thing to say.