Dichotomy

[vishaksagar]

Hope this makes more sense.

Edit 1

Flowers fell from her tresses, as she lay on the bed.
His hands reached for her, beneath the lacy red.
Their hearts broke the wall, which had made them two.
Her lips quivered in anticipation; moistened they were true.

Yet he hesitated; there was something amiss.
She whispered those magic words; waiting for a kiss.
He quit the embrace; looking for something more,
blinded by prejudice; unheard was the lion's roar.

Dawned on him one day, to Him, he was drawn.
Taken was he; heart, mind and soul.
Yet remained his body; waiting to feed,
on that pink flesh, beneath the lacy red.




Original

Flowers fell from her tresses, as she lay on bed.
His hands reached for her, beneath the lacy red.
Their hearts broke the wall, which had made them two.
Her lips quivered in anticipation; moistened they were true.

Yet he hesitated; there was something amiss.
She whispered the magic words; and he just said hmm.
Quit the embrace; he did, looking for someone more,
blinded by prejudice; unheard was the lion's roar.

Dawned on him one day, to Him, he was drawn.
Taken was he; heart, mind and soul.
Yet remained his body; waiting to feed,
on that pink flesh, beneath the lacy red.




Hi all, I'm new and welcome all help I can get.
Two things that really bother me are formatting and punctuation. Help.
Thanks

[Erthona]

Not really sure what the writer is trying to do. I don't really see a consistent meter, although it feels that way when someone is new to meter and leaves out words to make the meter work. Example:

" as she lay on bed." instead of " as she lay on (the) bed."

This also takes a lot of words to say very little, and the clarity level is low.

"She whispered the magic words; and he just said hmm."

Evidently the magic words were not so magic!  

Then again, what one sees in metered verse often, an inversion, i.e., Yoda Speak.

"Quit the embrace; he did, looking for someone more,"

BTW It would be Something more, not "someone more", that would just mean he was looking for a larger woman.

A number of the rhymes are either non-rhymes "amiss"- "hmm" or forced  "more"- "roar".

Again it comes back to looking like a piece that is metered, the first line makes an attempt at  six feet of iambs, but still comes across as awkward.
L2 has only five accents, and from there it is just a jumble. So I am unsure what the writer is attempting.

Probably needs a bit of a back story and more explanation about why he just up and left the bowery bed.

Best,

dale

[aschueler]

Flowers fell from her tresses, as she lay on bed.
His hands reached for her, beneath the lacy red.
Their hearts broke the wall, which had made them two.
Her lips quivered in anticipation; moistened they were true.

Yet he hesitated; there was something amiss.
She whispered the magic words; and he just said hmm.
Quit the embrace; he did, looking for someone more,
blinded by prejudice; unheard was the lion's roar.

Dawned on him one day, to Him, he was drawn.
Taken was he; heart, mind and soul.
Yet remained his body; waiting to feed,
on that pink flesh, beneath the lacy red.




Hi all, I'm new and welcome all help I can get.
Two things that really bother me are formatting and punctuation. Help.
Thanks

I read this a lot a lot.

First thing that came to mind at the beginning was maddening meter almost like the Lewis Carrols "Evidence" letter (attached at bottom, it makes up for the back and forth rhythm because it's funny).  But your meter didn't keep up in spite of the unusual inversions, which was a a relief, but then it went all weird.

I kept trying to get the gist of what you were trying to say.  I think I got some of it, but it's hard.

You have an interesting idea and getting your ideas out might be better if you dropped the meter, wrote it out more, than if you want meter adjust the words, shaving mercilessly especially trite phrases expressions like lips that are true.  To a modern mind, true is the opposite of false, where I believe you meant for her not to have the opposite of rubber lips but a person who is fidelious.  

Also imagery is tricky when writing inverted.  Try doing this without meter in mind first.  I think there's something good there.

These were the verses the White Rabbit read:—

       'They told me you had been to her,
         And mentioned me to him:
       She gave me a good character,
         But said I could not swim.

       He sent them word I had not gone
         (We know it to be true):
       If she should push the matter on,
         What would become of you?

       I gave her one, they gave him two,
         You gave us three or more;
       They all returned from him to you,
         Though they were mine before.

       If I or she should chance to be
         Involved in this affair,
       He trusts to you to set them free,
         Exactly as we were.

       My notion was that you had been
         (Before she had this fit)
       An obstacle that came between
         Him, and ourselves, and it.

       Don't let him know she liked them best,
         For this must ever be
       A secret, kept from all the rest,
         Between yourself and me.'

[UselessBlueprint]

Strange deletions. Like Erthona said, the meter isn't there and frequently comes across as awkward. If it is an attempt at something iambic, I suggest you don't start with a trochee. (Flowers = fláwərz in IPA, generally speaking.)

"She whispered the magic words; and he just said hmm." -- Although the close of this line may quite possibly have a fair purpose, it still bothers me severely.

"Dawned on him one day, to Him, he was drawn." -- This is an example of where a deletion might not be a great choice. I personally doubt that anything is gained by deleting the subject of the first clause.

Stanza two appears to have a few stylistic decisions evident, and if so, I like the ideas behind them, but not the execution. The semicolons help to convey some of the hesitation, and the fact that "amiss" and "hmm" don't really rhyme is a fair to show that something is "amiss." Still, I personally don't like the "hmm" part, and would try to use something else there (again, a personal thing, not a technical issue IMO). Stanzas one and three don't have any such stylistic decisions that I can pick up on.