Memento Mori

[kkieran]

Memento Mori
 
the great equalizer
of the final frontier -
        quiet as the hawks and harriers
        sent to carry our bones
        to the bed we have made
(go to sleep and good night,
there is no need for mourning)
 
the mute seraph
white stork
stole your soul
gave you to Gaia
(a biennial bairn)
for her costume garden
 
the mathematicians
and realists and bankers
wonder if there is an art to dying
 
the zealots and Baptists
and Mormons are deifying
their casserole allegories
 
the extent of language -
narrowed by the egotists
what can't be said
should be sung 
(when there aren't any words
then we can just hum)
 
charging towards
the great mirage
(constructs of wishful wishing)
assuming that space is vast enough
to hold our needs
night after night
we stare at stars
and wish away their
credibility
 
Capitalism-
our sacred puppeteer
selling the rights
to eternal life
(and acres on the moon, too)
the rich are buying their
legacies with life insurance
policies
 
Poe inspired poets lie
awake in the rustling night
dreaming of dying,
and romanticize lying
in her sepulchre
there by the sea
 
but as is our arrival -
we depart without
station.
to go (or not go)
somewhere (or nowhere)
captivated (still)
by our own (unassuming)
impression

[ellajam]

Memento Mori
 
the great equalizer
of the final frontier - While these opening lines are a fine intro they are nothing new and don't really set the mood as well as the line below, you might consider starting there.
        quiet as the hawks and harriers
        sent to carry our bones
        to the bed we have made I like the softness of these lines, especially L3, you might consider a softer word than carry, thought it's are fine for me as is.
(go to sleep and good night,
there is no need for mourning) I like the night/mourning and I like the parenthetical conversational tone.
 
the mute seraph
white stork
stole your soul
gave you to Gaia
(a biennial bairn) I don't understand biennial here.
for her costume garden I like the Gaia/garden and the whole idea of this.
 
the mathematicians The change from the last strophe to this one made me miss punctuation or some other transition. Possibly if you combined S1/S2 the white space here would prepare me a bit better.
and realists and bankers
wonder if there is an art to dying Meh, I don't know if they're worrying about art or method.
 
the zealots and Baptists
and Mormons are deifying
their casserole allegories Love this line.
 
the extent of language -
narrowed by the egotists
what can't be said
should be sung 
(when there aren't any words
then we can just hum) I enjoy this whole strophe.
 
charging towards
the great mirage
(constructs of wishful wishing)
assuming that space is vast enough
to hold our needs
night after night
we stare at stars
and wish away their
credibility No nits here except the break on "their".
 
Capitalism-
our sacred puppeteer
selling the rights
to eternal life
(and acres on the moon, too)
the rich are buying their
legacies with life insurance
policies
Meh, this one strikes me as nothing new. 

Poe inspired poets lie
awake in the rustling night
dreaming of dying,
and romanticize lying I'm not sure you need this line, I think I would get the idea.
in her sepulchre
there by the sea
Lovely rustling, dreaming, dying.
 
but as is our arrival -
we depart without
station.
to go (or not go)
somewhere (or nowhere)
captivated (still)
by our own (unassuming)
impression
I'm not sure about "unassuming", otherwise nice sum-up.

I found the parentheses fun and the whole piece a good read. Thanks for posting it, I hope some of my notes help.

[kkieran]

Memento Mori
 
the great equalizer
of the final frontier - While these opening lines are a fine intro they are nothing new and don't really set the mood as well as the line below, you might consider starting there.
        quiet as the hawks and harriers
        sent to carry our bones
        to the bed we have made I like the softness of these lines, especially L3, you might consider a softer word than carry, thought it's are fine for me as is.
(go to sleep and good night,
there is no need for mourning) I like the night/mourning and I like the parenthetical conversational tone.
 
the mute seraph
white stork
stole your soul
gave you to Gaia
(a biennial bairn) I don't understand biennial here.
for her costume garden I like the Gaia/garden and the whole idea of this.
 
the mathematicians The change from the last strophe to this one made me miss punctuation or some other transition. Possibly if you combined S1/S2 the white space here would prepare me a bit better.
and realists and bankers
wonder if there is an art to dying Meh, I don't know if they're worrying about art or method.
 
the zealots and Baptists
and Mormons are deifying
their casserole allegories Love this line.
 
the extent of language -
narrowed by the egotists
what can't be said
should be sung 
(when there aren't any words
then we can just hum) I enjoy this whole strophe.
 
charging towards
the great mirage
(constructs of wishful wishing)
assuming that space is vast enough
to hold our needs
night after night
we stare at stars
and wish away their
credibility No nits here except the break on "their".
 
Capitalism-
our sacred puppeteer
selling the rights
to eternal life
(and acres on the moon, too)
the rich are buying their
legacies with life insurance
policies
Meh, this one strikes me as nothing new. 

Poe inspired poets lie
awake in the rustling night
dreaming of dying,
and romanticize lying I'm not sure you need this line, I think I would get the idea.
in her sepulchre
there by the sea
Lovely rustling, dreaming, dying.
 
but as is our arrival -
we depart without
station.
to go (or not go)
somewhere (or nowhere)
captivated (still)
by our own (unassuming)
impression
I'm not sure about "unassuming", otherwise nice sum-up.

I found the parentheses fun and the whole piece a good read. Thanks for posting it, I hope some of my notes help.

Thank you very much for the critique! I'm going to change things up a bit based on your suggestions (which, by the way, are incredibly helpful). On a side note- I'm a sucker for parentheses!     Katie K
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[Leanne]

Memento Mori
 
the great equalizer
of the final frontier - I'd chop these two lines and start with L3
        quiet as the hawks and harriers
        sent to carry our bones
        to the bed we have made -- I'm not convinced you need this either -- the "go to sleep" makes it a bit redundant and it's a little on the cliched side
(go to sleep and good night, -- you could cut "and" -- it's an aside so a few terse phrases will suit the idea
there is no need for mourning) -- "there is" doesn't really need to be there
 
the mute seraph
white stork -- I like the connection between seraph and stork but I think it could be stronger -- if you want them seen as one and the same thing, you might consider "in white stork form" or put your parentheses here (white stork) and take them off the later line.  Actually, I'd suggest that anyway -- a colon after Gaia, and no parentheses on "a biennial bairn".
stole your soul
gave you to Gaia
(a biennial bairn)
for her costume garden
 
the mathematicians
and realists and bankers
wonder if there is an art to dying
 
the zealots and Baptists
and Mormons are deifying -- perhaps just "deify" instead of "are deifying"
their casserole allegories -- like this!
 
the extent of language -
narrowed by the egotists -- a dash here would be beneficial, rather than on the preceding line
what can't be said
should be sung 
(when there aren't any words -- a comma here perhaps, and remove "then" on the next line
then we can just hum) -- I like parentheses, but they are being overused here. This isn't an aside, it's a main part of what you're saying
 
charging towards
the great mirage
(constructs of wishful wishing) -- whereas here they fit
assuming that space is vast enough
to hold our needs -- I'd probably tend to put a strophe break here as the next line seems a separate thought
night after night
we stare at stars
and wish away their
credibility
 
Capitalism-
our sacred puppeteer
selling the rights
to eternal life
(and acres on the moon, too)
the rich are buying their
legacies with life insurance
policies -- this strophe, while containing some good phrases, seems out of place in this poem.  It changes the tone to preachy and that's jarring.  Personally I'd remove it and set it aside for another poem.
 
Poe inspired poets lie
awake in the rustling night
dreaming of dying,
and romanticize lying
in her sepulchre -- her?
there by the sea
 
but as is our arrival - -- your dashes are becoming dashed difficult to deal with, and decidedly Dickinsonian...
we depart without
station.
to go (or not go)
somewhere (or nowhere)
captivated (still)
by our own (unassuming)
impression -- you could halve your parenthetical elements and not lose anything. Unfortunately, the sheer volume of them is detracting from the power of your closing statements

*When I finished my critique I read ellajam's and noticed a lot of similarities, so those are the areas I'd suggest you focus on first.  There is a good poem here that just needs some trimming and a good bit of polish.

[kkieran]

Leanne,
Thank you so much for the suggestions. I certainly agree with you about my parenthesis and dash usage. I write like I think. I never once actually thought about the placement of them- just wanted it to read like it sounds in my head (which is a mire of tangents and asides).  I'm excited to rework this thing and see what happens.

Oh- and to answer your question about 'her'-- the whole strophe is a reference to Edgar Allan Poe's "Annabelle Lee". 

KK

Memento Mori
 
the great equalizer
of the final frontier - I'd chop these two lines and start with L3
        quiet as the hawks and harriers
        sent to carry our bones
        to the bed we have made -- I'm not convinced you need this either -- the "go to sleep" makes it a bit redundant and it's a little on the cliched side
(go to sleep and good night, -- you could cut "and" -- it's an aside so a few terse phrases will suit the idea
there is no need for mourning) -- "there is" doesn't really need to be there
 
the mute seraph
white stork -- I like the connection between seraph and stork but I think it could be stronger -- if you want them seen as one and the same thing, you might consider "in white stork form" or put your parentheses here (white stork) and take them off the later line.  Actually, I'd suggest that anyway -- a colon after Gaia, and no parentheses on "a biennial bairn".
stole your soul
gave you to Gaia
(a biennial bairn)
for her costume garden
 
the mathematicians
and realists and bankers
wonder if there is an art to dying
 
the zealots and Baptists
and Mormons are deifying -- perhaps just "deify" instead of "are deifying"
their casserole allegories -- like this!
 
the extent of language -
narrowed by the egotists -- a dash here would be beneficial, rather than on the preceding line
what can't be said
should be sung 
(when there aren't any words -- a comma here perhaps, and remove "then" on the next line
then we can just hum) -- I like parentheses, but they are being overused here. This isn't an aside, it's a main part of what you're saying
 
charging towards
the great mirage
(constructs of wishful wishing) -- whereas here they fit
assuming that space is vast enough
to hold our needs -- I'd probably tend to put a strophe break here as the next line seems a separate thought
night after night
we stare at stars
and wish away their
credibility
 
Capitalism-
our sacred puppeteer
selling the rights
to eternal life
(and acres on the moon, too)
the rich are buying their
legacies with life insurance
policies -- this strophe, while containing some good phrases, seems out of place in this poem.  It changes the tone to preachy and that's jarring.  Personally I'd remove it and set it aside for another poem.
 
Poe inspired poets lie
awake in the rustling night
dreaming of dying,
and romanticize lying
in her sepulchre -- her?
there by the sea
 
but as is our arrival - -- your dashes are becoming dashed difficult to deal with, and decidedly Dickinsonian...
we depart without
station.
to go (or not go)
somewhere (or nowhere)
captivated (still)
by our own (unassuming)
impression -- you could halve your parenthetical elements and not lose anything. Unfortunately, the sheer volume of them is detracting from the power of your closing statements

*When I finished my critique I read ellajam's and noticed a lot of similarities, so those are the areas I'd suggest you focus on first.  There is a good poem here that just needs some trimming and a good bit of polish.

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[Erthona]

Memento Mori
 
the great equalizer
of the final frontier -
        quiet as the hawks and harriers (isn't this pretty much redundant?)
        sent to carry our bones
        to the bed we have made  (did we make them?)
(go to sleep and good night,
there is no need for mourning) (not sure what the purpose of this is unless you are trying for a pun, mourning/morning)
 
the mute seraph
white stork (so which is it?)
stole your soul
gave you to Gaia
(a biennial bairn) 
for her costume garden
 
the mathematicians
and realists and bankers
wonder if there is an art to dying (this statement is unsupported and so comes off as nonsensical)
 
the zealots and Baptists
and Mormons are deifying
their casserole allegories  (If you want to say they bring a lot of food to their meetings, OK, but it is hardly allegorical, or if it is there needs something more than just an unsupported statement)
 
the extent of language -
narrowed by the egotists (define)
what can't be said
should be sung 
(when there aren't any words
then we can just hum) (gratuitous rhyme, drop the "just")
 
charging towards
the great mirage
(constructs of wishful wishing)
assuming that space is vast enough
to hold our needs
night after night
we stare at stars
and wish away their
credibility (totally specious statement)
 
Capitalism-
our sacred puppeteer
selling the rights
to eternal life
(and acres on the moon, too)
the rich are buying their
legacies with life insurance
policies
 
Poe inspired poets lie
awake in the rustling night
dreaming of dying,
and romanticize lying
in her sepulchre
there by the sea
 
but as is our arrival -
we depart without
station.
to go (or not go) (Oh please, how about to "see or not to see")
somewhere (or nowhere) (now it's just getting silly)
captivated (still)
by our own (unassuming)
impression

___________________________________________________________________________

Sorry, I guess I was just disappointed, the title had my hopes up way to high, but for the most part (and you do try to cover the entire spectrum, these strophes are just unsupported proclamations more common to rhetoric than poetry, despite the non-use of poetry and punctuation to give it that poety look. Oh well there are a fair amount of parenthesis and a hyphen or two, so nothing like consistency, but I believe Donne has already covered that (sorry, couldn't resists).

Really, I am very sorry, you seem like a very sweet person trying very hard to say something. It doesn't really seem to stay on topic most of the time. I mean really, what do capitalist have to do with mortality? Sure you try and shoehorn them into selling eternal life, but that is hardly their providence (although Jim and Tami Faye tried). Their providence is to make you look better, to increase your pleasure and raise your esteem among your friends and admirers. No it's the Baptists who are the hockers of eternal life, well them and all the rest of those who followed Luther's  95 theses that he pounded into the church door in 1517. There's your eternal life if ever there was one, of course our good friend Jonathan Edwards helped the cause along, not only was there eternal life, he made them want it more than sex or chocolate.

Still, it is hard to talk about mortality until one has died at least once, maybe not actually died, but felt as though one had died and then was surprised to find he hadn't. It's a great generator for a spiritual experience although I don't really recommend it, but sometimes it comes to you regardless of your own volition.   

But maybe I'm missing the point. Leanne seems to think there is something here and she is much smarter than me. She once tried to say she was as mean as me but she had to give up cause deep down she knew she was just lying to herself and see, here I am bringing up these ridiculous objections about this poem, that probably have nothing to do with it. So my advice is to ignore everything I've said except this. If it is your first post, don't post it in serious, this is where you get raked over the coals and other unpleasant things similar to what aliens do to abuctees 

Welcome to the site,


Best,

dale

[kkieran]

Dale,
I'd so much rather an ugly truth than a beautiful lie...but then, all of this is subjective anyway. But, if it's how you feel, then that's what I'm after. It seems to me that sincerity and authenticity are in short supply these days, so don't ever apologize for speaking your truth. I wouldn't ever expect everyone to like me, or my poetry. It's like fine dining- one can be the most amazing chef in the world, taking fish to new culinary heights, but there will always be someone that hates seafood. Our differences make life much more exciting.

For me, writing is a mix of expressing an idea/ideal, while doing it in a way that sounds melodic in my mind. There's always a combination of sense and surreal....just like life. Regardless, I do appreciate the time you took to critique me. I'm not looking for praise- just insight, and so thank you for sharing yours   I've added some notes below to answer anything I could.

Thanks again!
K

Memento Mori
 
the great equalizer
of the final frontier -
        quiet as the hawks and harriers (isn't this pretty much redundant?)
        sent to carry our bones
        to the bed we have made  (did we make them?) -- We all make our own 'beds'-- depends on how we choose to lead our lives
(go to sleep and good night,
there is no need for mourning) (not sure what the purpose of this is unless you are trying for a pun, mourning/morning)  -- yes, there's the pun here, which I love to do when it works, and for me it did here. It's meant for the one dying- they have no need to mourn or for morning to come.
 
the mute seraph
white stork (so which is it?) - both! In writing about something intangible, anything and everything is possible!
stole your soul
gave you to Gaia
(a biennial bairn) 
for her costume garden
 
the mathematicians
and realists and bankers
wonder if there is an art to dying (this statement is unsupported and so comes off as nonsensical)-- "The Art of Dying" is a 2 part Latin text explaining how to 'die well'. It's almost procedural.
 
the zealots and Baptists
and Mormons are deifying
their casserole allegories  (If you want to say they bring a lot of food to their meetings, OK, but it is hardly allegorical, or if it is there needs something more than just an unsupported statement)--- Everything can be allegorical to religious folks! And I mean everything. I was raised Catholic, converted to Mormonism (and married a Mormon), left Mormonism (lost my Mormon husband), and am now a spiritual agnostic. I'm okay with not having all of the answers.....the religious folks I've known are not. And will turn even the most asinine ideas into moral lessons.
 
the extent of language -
narrowed by the egotists (define)
what can't be said
should be sung 
(when there aren't any words
then we can just hum) (gratuitous rhyme, drop the "just")
 
charging towards
the great mirage
(constructs of wishful wishing)
assuming that space is vast enough
to hold our needs
night after night
we stare at stars
and wish away their
credibility (totally specious statement) 
 
Capitalism-
our sacred puppeteer
selling the rights
to eternal life
(and acres on the moon, too)
the rich are buying their
legacies with life insurance
policies
 
Poe inspired poets lie
awake in the rustling night
dreaming of dying,
and romanticize lying
in her sepulchre
there by the sea
 
but as is our arrival -
we depart without
station.
to go (or not go) (Oh please, how about to "see or not to see")
somewhere (or nowhere) (now it's just getting silly)-- because we haven't died, who knows what comes next? It's all speculation, which is what I was trying to convey
captivated (still)
by our own (unassuming)
impression

___________________________________________________________________________

Sorry, I guess I was just disappointed, the title had my hopes up way to high, but for the most part (and you do try to cover the entire spectrum, these strophes are just unsupported proclamations more common to rhetoric than poetry, despite the non-use of poetry and punctuation to give it that poety look. Oh well there are a fair amount of parenthesis and a hyphen or two, so nothing like consistency, but I believe Donne has already covered that (sorry, couldn't resists).

Really, I am very sorry, you seem like a very sweet person trying very hard to say something. It doesn't really seem to stay on topic most of the time. I mean really, what do capitalist have to do with mortality? Sure you try and shoehorn them into selling eternal life, but that is hardly their providence (although Jim and Tami Faye tried). Their providence is to make you look better, to increase your pleasure and raise your esteem among your friends and admirers. No it's the Baptists who are the hockers of eternal life, well them and all the rest of those who followed Luther's  95 theses that he pounded into the church door in 1517. There's your eternal life if ever there was one, of course our good friend Jonathan Edwards helped the cause along, not only was there eternal life, he made them want it more than sex or chocolate.

Still, it is hard to talk about mortality until one has died at least once, maybe not actually died, but felt as though one had died and then was surprised to find he hadn't. It's a great generator for a spiritual experience although I don't really recommend it, but sometimes it comes to you regardless of your own volition.   

But maybe I'm missing the point. Leanne seems to think there is something here and she is much smarter than me. She once tried to say she was as mean as me but she had to give up cause deep down she knew she was just lying to herself and see, here I am bringing up these ridiculous objections about this poem, that probably have nothing to do with it. So my advice is to ignore everything I've said except this. If it is your first post, don't post it in serious, this is where you get raked over the coals and other unpleasant things similar to what aliens do to abuctees 

Welcome to the site,


Best,

dale

[Erthona]

"their casserole allegories"

Sorry, I totally misread this part. It actually is a very good line now that I look at it again. I think it is what comes before it that kind of spoils it. By itself however, it is a very nice line. I thought Baptist were zealots? Isn't that where the line is drawn? On one side you have the Methodist and the other more sedate churches (what one might call the rational churches and what Baptist would say are "the lukewarm churches" referred to in "The Book of Revelations") and then the Baptist, the "Holy Rollers" and the "Church of God Anderson of the Soft Pillow (I swear that was an actual church at one time. I suspect snake handling was involved)". That is to say the evangelicals. I always forget which group it is, but there is one group that believes that only 144,000 or some such number called the elect will get to go to heaven, yet they still proselytize; does that make sense. Seems like it is the light house people. Who is that the Seventh Day Adventists? Seems counter productive to me. They're also the ones that try to sell you eggs so maybe they aren't trying to hard to convert you. I always tell these people I already have a religion and don't need another one. If they press it, I tell them I am "Druid Reformed", which means we no longer condone human sacrifice. I haven't had any solicitors in a long while now.

I love religion. Here is how the conversation goes.

Why do you believe what you believe.

Because it's in the Bible   

So, why believe what's in the Bible?

Because it is the inspired word of God.

How do you know that.

Because it says so in the Bible.

Well that explains it. Then they point to verses in the Bible such as

"All Scripture is given by inspiration of God" 
(2 Timothy 3:16)


Now I am really convinced. BTW I'm a genius. How do I know? I know because I am a genius. Duh!

Oh well, better go do a critique and quit having fun.

BTW I love it when you tell people your agnostic and they think it means the same as atheist. I always explain it to them this way, simple is better. An atheist doesn't believe in God. An agnostic believes there is a God, they just don't believe in religion. yes, I know that's that accurate, but grey areas often bother certain peoples

Anyway this will bump you up to the top, so maybe someone else will give it a critique.

dale

[kkieran]

Church of the soft pillow? Ha! Never heard of that one   I think the ones that believe only 144k get into heaven are the Jehovah's witnesses. I think they're also the ones that don't celebrate any holidays or birthdays. What kind of God would want that?!?! As for getting into discussions with religious folks- I've given up on it. Their circular thinking doesn't allow for an open and honest discussion about ideas.

Thanks for the laugh! I'm off to look up information on the soft pillow people!

"their casserole allegories"

Sorry, I totally misread this part. It actually is a very good line now that I look at it again. I think it is what comes before it that kind of spoils it. By itself however, it is a very nice line. I thought Baptist were zealots? Isn't that where the line is drawn? On one side you have the Methodist and the other more sedate churches (what one might call the rational churches and what Baptist would say are "the lukewarm churches" referred to in "The Book of Revelations") and then the Baptist, the "Holy Rollers" and the "Church of God Anderson of the Soft Pillow (I swear that was an actual church at one time. I suspect snake handling was involved)". That is to say the evangelicals. I always forget which group it is, but there is one group that believes that only 144,000 or some such number called the elect will get to go to heaven, yet they still proselytize; does that make sense. Seems like it is the light house people. Who is that the Seventh Day Adventists? Seems counter productive to me. They're also the ones that try to sell you eggs so maybe they aren't trying to hard to convert you. I always tell these people I already have a religion and don't need another one. If they press it, I tell them I am "Druid Reformed", which means we no longer condone human sacrifice. I haven't had any solicitors in a long while now.

I love religion. Here is how the conversation goes.

Why do you believe what you believe.

Because it's in the Bible   

So, why believe what's in the Bible?

Because it is the inspired word of God.

How do you know that.

Because it says so in the Bible.

Well that explains it. Then they point to verses in the Bible such as

"All Scripture is given by inspiration of God" 
(2 Timothy 3:16)


Now I am really convinced. BTW I'm a genius. How do I know? I know because I am a genius. Duh!

Oh well, better go do a critique and quit having fun.

BTW I love it when you tell people your agnostic and they think it means the same as atheist. I always explain it to them this way, simple is better. An atheist doesn't believe in God. An agnostic believes there is a God, they just don't believe in religion. yes, I know that's that accurate, but grey areas often bother certain peoples

Anyway this will bump you up to the top, so maybe someone else will give it a critique.

dale

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