Numbers that Favor Me

[Weeded]

Revision 1

Hell,
I'm not one
for numerology
but all I see is three,
an extension of six,
or nines

upside-down,
the time on
my cell phone

I saw a man on screen
laugh crazily then scream
"Evil! Evil! Evil!"

Or when the odometer cackles
the mileage or that face in the eye
of that speed camera just passed by

...irrational. It can't be a face.
He's laughing, violently.
I'm alone

now, I'm not
one but two
mad-men running circus
acts with beast-freak numbers
like six, nine,
and three and

me and I
and I and
I quite soon

we'll form three, six and nine
wherever we'll be we'll
spread our happy cancer

with laughter, oh laughter! How the light
sound sings so loudly over the screams
or how the laughter is contagious

like a virus. Or an idea.
Or a taboo action
gone mainstream.

Now,
I'm not one
but three hundred sixty
three plus three hundred three
minus one soul but soon
there'll be

more.

Original

Now,
I'm not one
for numerology
but all I see is three,
an extension of six,
or nines

upside-down,
the time on
my cell phone

I saw a man on screen
laugh crazily then scream
"Evil! Evil! Evil!"

Or when the odometer cackles
the mileage or that face in the eye
of that speed camera just passed by...

...irrational. It can't be a face...
But it is. He's laughing.
I'm alone

now,
I'm not one
but two mad-men running
this circus of beast-freaks
of numbers like six, nine,
and three

and me and
I and I
in tandem

We'll form three, six and nine
wherever we'll be we'll
spread our happy cancer

with laughter, oh laughter! How the light
sound sings so loudly over the screams
or how the laughter is contagious

like a virus. Or an idea.
Or a taboo action
gone mainstream.

Now,
I'm not one
but three hundred sixty
three plus three hundred three
minus one soul but soon
there'll be

more.

[Todd]

Well first off, I really enjoyed this piece. Here are some comments for you:

Now,--One word lines are difficult to pull off. Now does not hold the line. It isn't a good stand alone and it isn't a thematic or interesting way to break the line. Given that you're opening with numbers your most natural break is simply: Now, I'm not one. That gives a slight splash of double meaning, ties back to the title and is immediately interesting.
I'm not one
for numerology
but all I see is three,
an extension of six,
or nines--you may have a reason, but is plural the way to go here?

upside-down,
the time on
my cell phone

I saw a man on screen
laugh crazily then scream
"Evil! Evil! Evil!"

Or when the odometer cackles--cackles is a fantastic word here, it ties back to numerology by implying witchcraft. 
the mileage or that face in the eye--good break here for the nuanced use of eye.
of that speed camera just passed by...

...irrational. It can't be a face...watch your ellipses too many detract and  look self conscious.
But it is. He's laughing.
I'm alone--I think my favorite part of the poem is the voice of the speaker and the staccato delivery of some of these lines. You have a little bit of transitional fat in here "But it is." It's like when you write fictional dialogue instead of real dialogue, you need to pare down to the essence of the transition and not walk us through every step. 

now,--Same note as before
I'm not one
but two mad-men running--You know in this case I'd be tempted to pull but two up to the previous line.
this circus of beast-freaks
of numbers like six, nine,
and three

and me and
I and I
in tandem

We'll form three, six and nine
wherever we'll be we'll
spread our happy cancer

with laughter, oh laughter! How the light
sound sings so loudly over the screams
or how the laughter is contagious--I like the break out epiphany feel of this all. I wonder if the third laughter is too much here. Nice strophe break on contagious.

like a virus. Or an idea.
Or a taboo action
gone mainstream.--I liked all of this.

Now,
I'm not one
but three hundred sixty--This may be a little subjective but I would combine these three lines and end the combined line on three and push the rest down.
three plus three hundred three
minus one soul but soon
there'll be

more.--This word when consider theme stands alone well and for me works as a one word line.

I hope some of that helped. I think you've got something here.

Best,

Todd

[Weeded]

Todd,

Thanks for the feedback. I'm kind of torn; your critique is sound, and if applied would definitely affect the piece in a positive way. My initial idea with this one however, was to form the poem so the syllables relate to the numbers. Perhaps this is foolish to do, and doesnt affect the piece at all how I intended, but so far its the opening one syllable line to relate to 'one' in L2, three lines of six syllables each, and then a two syllable line to be added with the first two lines(three lines not in order, but add up to six), three lines of three syllables, three lines six, nine, three lines with one of each, then back to the first stanzas form. I originally wanted this to be a 666 syllable poem, but I honestly didn't think anyone would count that much. Then I thought maybe if I put it in forms theyd just have to multiply the stanzas. I decided to post first and see what I should work on, so all this said not sure if doing this actually benefits this piece or ends up hurting it. Thanks again for your thoughts,
mike

[Todd]

Mike,

The point of critique is to help you achieve what you're reaching for--there really is no foolish. We want you to make the best version of the poem you're trying to create.

Best,

Todd

[ellajam]

Todd,

Thanks for the feedback. I'm kind of torn; your critique is sound, and if applied would definitely affect the piece in a positive way. My initial idea with this one however, was to form the poem so the syllables relate to the numbers. Perhaps this is foolish to do, and doesnt affect the piece at all how I intended, but so far its the opening one syllable line to relate to 'one' in L2, three lines of six syllables each, and then a two syllable line to be added with the first two lines(three lines not in order, but add up to six), three lines of three syllables, three lines six, nine, three lines with one of each, then back to the first stanzas form. I originally wanted this to be a 666 syllable poem, but I honestly didn't think anyone would count that much. Then I thought maybe if I put it in forms theyd just have to multiply the stanzas. I decided to post first and see what I should work on, so all this said not sure if doing this actually benefits this piece or ends up hurting it. Thanks again for your thoughts,
mike

I've been in this same situation. I felt, possibly mistakenly though I'm not convinced, that even when the reader didn't realize it was there the skeleton I had put in place had a positive effect on the read. The trick is to take crit that you think will improve the piece and apply it in a way that stays true to your intent. It's pretty difficult but a lot of fun.

Even now, sometimes the piece will be in IP and the crit will suggest changes that would throw it off. It makes me rethink my choices and sometimes I can think of something better than I have that will fit in properly. I recently had someone suggest a ville might be better without all those repeated lines. They might be right.

[Weeded]

Mike,

The point of critique is to help you achieve what you're reaching for--there really is no foolish. We want you to make the best version of the poem you're trying to create.

Best,

Todd

This is an especially difficult concept to grab for me personally. It's seems to be this constant battle with me and rules. Breaking one results in feeling that good old-fashioned foolishness, yet I see great poetry with broken rules all the time. I've pondered threads on here which discuss this, I've analyzed several poems with broken rules to see how the poet makes it work, all to no avail, as it remains a battle with me. Maybe this piece will help me figure it out, or maybe not hehe

---

Ella,

Yes it's quite difficult, especially as a novice writer. You hear a more experienced, more well-versed poet's critique and you wanna do what they say, but what especially gets me lost is when you have two or three more experienced poets with different opinions on how to revise the same line. The whole purpose of workshopping to me was originally to have my works read by poets better than I who would then tell me how to revise. I would then revise and boom! a work of art. I'm now beginning to realize just how naive that was of me, but im glad im realizing it! But yes Ella, its quite difficult. 

[Weeded]

Bump.

[QDeathstar]

I'm afraid I don't have a lot to add in the "critique" department, I like this math pome, but I'm wondering if it's because of the other one, which I have to assume gave some inspiration to this one.

i think the peice would be more impactful if it were condensed. I'm not feeling great about the cellphone/madmen stanza.. are you looking at the cellphone seeing madmen? The second half of the poem has way more meat and is a lot more enjoyable.

from the part "I and I and me in tandem" down is just excellent, and I much prefer in tandem than "and soon"....

[Weeded]

Q,
Thanks for the feedback. I actually did read that piece (I forgot the name/author but I do know which one you're talking about) in the middle of writing this one. I definitely noticed the similarity and from then on viewed it as a comparative tool, I hope the author doesnt think I stole their idea or anything like that tho.. 

But anyway, i like your ideas, I will definitely condense the first half after hearing this. And yeahh, the narrator is kind of a crazy guy in this one and sees mad-men in cell phones etc haha. Thanks again for your thoughts,
mike