Gloop (Revision 3.1)

[Todd]

Hi RN,

Thanks for the comments. Let me dialogue a bit with you below:

I was almost ready to critique this before, but then you posted this revision, and I had to reread -- fortunately, it's not that different from before. The passive voice being repeated over and over did weaken the original, sure, but "beneath the russet river is a pipe" is much stronger for me than your current first line, being more specific and original -- oh well, I don't think there's a way you can return it here. And anyway, this revision did remove the passivity, and the whole's much stronger now.
Revision 3.1

Hell has a dark river, and I am the mouth Or maybe I've just read too much about the rivers of Hades at this point. --I get you. I can probably make the sequence more subtle. The real issue for me is I'm doing something beyond Wonka here. I'm trying to smash two things together and I'm probably failing a bit. This will definitely get a look though.
that tried to drink it all. The river swallowed The enjambment here does nothing for me. It sounds artificial: I know the whole thought the moment "swallowed" flashed, and my reading of the sentence is still continuous.--Okay more subtlety and perhaps some condensing of the lines. 
me in return. Until I lodged in its throat, Shouldn't this be a part of the last sentence?--Probably nice catch.
feeling the sweet water fizz beneath my feet
like a shaken soda left to explode.

I popped

like a champagne cork before a toast 
in someone else’s honor, flying As much as it's sweet to suck the imagery here, the champagne cork is either redundant or contradictory (both, to me, with champagne cork having a bit more fancy) to the soda shaking. Since the champagne cork image was original, I'd suggest just removing the soda pop bits -- make it champagne bottle throughout, from before 'til after the pop.--I'll consider this.
over the mint grass and fondant flowers, Not a note on the poem itself, but I would think Mr. Wonka's sugar flowers wouldn't be just plain fondant here -- or maybe I'm just missing a reference. Anyway.--When I was researching, Wonka mentions trying a buttercup. I thought of going with buttercream, or butterscotch, but no one actually tasted the flower--so it's an open area.
careening off walls to land out of play
in the chute for bad nuts beside
the juicing press. I rolled the Blueberry
Girl like a dung beetle down
a hall I had forgotten A bit weird that Gloop here finds the Blueberry Girl in the chute for bad nuts, at least so far unpressed, but for this poem, I guess it works. I'm not too sure about the break with "forgotten to lick". The whole image of this sentence, though, is very well done.
to lick. The Salt Girl, for once, was silent Comma.
too busy nursing her bitten fingers. 
 
Some would say that we do not live
in the bones of the factory, that we left
our old selves behind. Each day is now
the same gobstopper. There is no exit, I plainly don't like the gobstopper line -- it feels too, er, mundane, or something, what with this ending fulfilling (appropriately, I think, even for the original tale) the darkness. It breaks the length of the two (true) end sentences effectively, but, again, it's just too meh: I say remove it. "our old selves behind. There is no exit, / ..."--I'll consider your comments here.
only each other, the stench of chocolate Oggsford comma missing.--Ah the Oxford comma, thanks. 
and a terrible hunger. I will always really like this ending.

I appreciate the time you spend and will certainly consider your feedback as I revise. 

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

Hi AJ,

Thank you for your critique. Let me dialogue with some of your comments below.

Revision 3.1

Hell has a dark river, and I am the mouth  I am still on the fence about your new first line.  the inclusion of Hell works when the whole poem has been taken on board, but as a first word, first line, intro it feels very tired.  (I think the trouble was I loved your previous russet river pipe image.  It immediately plugged me into the film image of the chocolate river whereas the dark river of hell plays an entirely separate line of thought that it took some moments to shake off)--I'm going to come up with another solution for this I think. Thanks.
that tried to drink it all. The river swallowed  Having said all that I love the change away from the passive voice and in particular this intro of fp character.--Glad the POV change seems to be working. I agree that I think milo nailed the problems I was having with passive voice.
me in return. Until I lodged in its throat,
feeling the sweet water fizz beneath my feet
like a shaken soda left to explode.  Not sure you need "like" on this line, esp as you then repeat it so soon.  think you should consider which one is more effective - my choice is to loose this one.--cutting that like if I stay with this structure is a very good call. Nice eye.

I popped  like the movement / like the white space and line breaks...carries the energy of the action.--Thanks, I was hoping it would.

like a champagne cork before a toast 
in someone else’s honor, flying  overall great build up and combined image of flying boy.
over the mint grass and fondant flowers,  nice images - made me smile--Yeah, this poem is all about mixing whimsy and horror.
careening off walls to land out of play
in the chute for bad nuts beside   perhaps a comma needed after nuts- but I am famous for poor punctuation so perhaps not!
the juicing press. I rolled the Blueberry
Girl like a dung beetle down
a hall I had forgotten  not a fan of the line break here thing it would be better with lick moved up. IMO would also strengthen the salt girl line if it was a stand alone.
to lick. The Salt Girl, for once, was silent  think need to move the comma from after once to after silent.--I'll consider all of this as I revise.
too busy nursing her bitten fingers.
 
Some would say that we do not live   I have a problem here that might be a local thing.  "Some would say..."  is a huge cliche for me because of the Top gear programe.  I keep expecting the character of  The Stig to be introduced --Never really watched the show so I'll take your word on it. I'll relook at this.
in the bones of the factory, that we left
our old selves behind. Each day is now
the same gobstopper. There is no exit,
only each other, the stench of chocolate
and a terrible hunger.  other than my local to the Uk cliche no nits with the rest of this stanza and great ending.

~

hope some comments are helpful  AJ.

Thanks again for your comments AJ. I'll use them as I revise.

Best,

Todd