(02-04-2016, 04:32 AM)Todd Wrote:  Beneath the russet river is a pipe. "russet river" is a greate image
Given enough pressure, a stuck boy
can be dislodged with a pop not sure if the boy is stuck purposefully or by accident
like a champagne cork.   Also love this metaphor gives a sense wackiness 

Upon impact, he will slide down
the chute for bad nuts
to land bruised beside
the juicing press.

Like a dung beetle,  perfect simile 
he will push the Blueberry Girl 
across the floor,
ignoring the inevitable explosion

of words from that Salt Girl.
In this room of no mirrors,
where there is nothing
to acquire, and only each other

with the stench of chocolate
and a terrible hunger.  may want to play with swapping terrible different synonyms  

~~~
Edit: I decided to make a title change.

(02-04-2016, 04:32 AM)Todd Wrote:  Beneath the russet river is a pipe.
Given enough pressure, a stuck boy
can be dislodged with a pop
like a champagne cork. All good

Upon impact, he will slide down small issue here. How is he still sliding upon impact? should it not be upon release or to that effect? Impact implies a dead stop to me.
the chute for bad nuts
to land bruised beside
the juicing press.

Like a dung beetle,
he will push the Blueberry Girl 
across the floor,
ignoring the inevitable explosion love this

of words from that Salt Girl. "that Salt Girl" sounds forced.  girl with salty words....  
In this room of no mirrors,
where there is nothing
to acquire, and only each other

with the stench of chocolate
and a terrible hunger. yum

~~~
Edit: I decided to make a title change.

(02-04-2016, 09:58 AM)Brujo Wrote:  

(02-04-2016, 04:32 AM)Todd Wrote:  Beneath the russet river is a pipe. "russet river" is a greate image
Given enough pressure, a stuck boy
can be dislodged with a pop not sure if the boy is stuck purposefully or by accident
like a champagne cork.   Also love this metaphor gives a sense wackiness 

Upon impact, he will slide down
the chute for bad nuts
to land bruised beside
the juicing press.

Like a dung beetle,  perfect simile 
he will push the Blueberry Girl 
across the floor,
ignoring the inevitable explosion

of words from that Salt Girl.
In this room of no mirrors,
where there is nothing
to acquire, and only each other

with the stench of chocolate
and a terrible hunger.  may want to play with swapping terrible different synonyms  

~~~
Edit: I decided to make a title change.

Todd,

Great poem.  Here are my thoughts 

 There is a great sense of wackiness throughout the poem, while it slowly works up to it's grim conclusion.  The poem captures the same eeriness of the Wonka Factory that's in the novel but takes goes further and, eventually, plunges into terror.  My favorite is the ironic end. The male character (stuck boy), assumed to be an unfortunate oompa loompa, Salt girl and Blueberry girl (or what's left of her) are trapped in a "room of no mirrors" smelling the scents of a chocolate factory, only to acquire a "terrible hunger".  What's next? do the characters eat other?  Perhaps what's left of the Blueberry girl?    The only part that confuses me comes from S1.  Is the stuck boy actually stuck, or is the pipe there to shoot oompas wherever needed?  Also is the oompa actually locked in with both girls?  Just a small issue I had.  Overall, I would keep this poem the way it is, barring possible word swaps.

(02-04-2016, 11:24 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  Hey Todd. I thought "Augustus" for a title but now you've changed it to Gloop and I like it. Just a couple things.

(02-04-2016, 04:32 AM)Todd Wrote:  Beneath the russet river is a pipe.
Given enough pressure, a stuck boy
can be dislodged with a pop
like a champagne cork. All good

Upon impact, he will slide down small issue here. How is he still sliding upon impact? should it not be upon release or to that effect? Impact implies a dead stop to me.
the chute for bad nuts
to land bruised beside
the juicing press.

Like a dung beetle,
he will push the Blueberry Girl 
across the floor,
ignoring the inevitable explosion love this

of words from that Salt Girl. "that Salt Girl" sounds forced.  girl with salty words....  
In this room of no mirrors,
where there is nothing
to acquire, and only each other

with the stench of chocolate
and a terrible hunger. yum

~~~
Edit: I decided to make a title change.

Paul

(02-05-2016, 07:48 AM)Todd Wrote:  Put a slight revision up. Hope it's going in the right direction.

(02-04-2016, 04:32 AM)Todd Wrote:  Revision

Beneath the russet river is a pipe.
Given enough pressure, a stuck boy -- "given" is awkward to my ear.  I wonder what's wrong with just "with"?
can be dislodged with a pop
like a champagne cork.

He will careen off the wall, and down
the chute for bad nuts
to land bruised beside
the juicing press.

Like a dung beetle,
he will push the Blueberry Girl 
across the floor.
Ignoring the inevitable explosion

of words from that Salt Girl,
who still nurses her bitten fingers.
In this room of no mirrors,
where there is nothing -- look at your sentence structure -- you're ending on a fragment.  This is resolved if you take out "where".

to acquire, and only each other
with the stench of chocolate
and a salivating hunger. -- I think "salivating" is overdoing it.  I actually quite liked "terrible", which sounds more "Heart of Darkness" than "Biggest Loser"

Nice, dark, wonky chocolate evil.  No friendly pensioners to save these nasty little kiddies.

~~~
Edit: Made a few word changes, per comments from Nick and Paul.

Original

Beneath the russet river is a pipe.
Given enough pressure, a stuck boy
can be dislodged with a pop
like a champagne cork.

Upon impact, he will slide down
the chute for bad nuts
to land bruised beside
the juicing press.

Like a dung beetle,
he will push the Blueberry Girl
across the floor,
ignoring the inevitable explosion

of words from that Salt Girl.
In this room of no mirrors,
where there is nothing
to acquire, and only each other

with the stench of chocolate
and a terrible hunger.



~~~
Edit: I decided to make a title change.

(02-04-2016, 04:32 AM)Todd Wrote:  Revision 2

Beneath the russet river is a pipe.

Quote: With enough pressure, a stuck boy 

can be dislodged with a pop
like a champagne cork.

Quote:
He will careen off the wall, and down
the chute for bad nuts
to land bruised beside
the juicing press.

Quote:
Like a dung beetle,
he will push the Blueberry Girl 
across the floor.

Quote: Ignoring the inevitable explosion

of words from that Salt Girl,
who still nurses her bitten fingers.
In this room of no mirrors,
no exit, there is nothing

Quote:

to acquire, and only each other
with their unblinking eyes,
the stench of chocolate, 
and a terrible hunger.

(02-04-2016, 04:32 AM)Todd Wrote:  Revision 3

Hell has a dark river, and I am the mouth After reading the first three revisions several times to reading this as the opening line.. Is Willy Wonka Satan or am I thinking about the movie too much haha..
that tried to drink it all. The river swallowed
me in return. Until I lodged in its throat, so far nice, im curious what spurred the first person intro after leaving it entirely third before. I only wonder because to me to write entirely in third successfully is somewhat of a feat to me, I also thought it kinda helped provide that movie/story point of view, where the reader feels more like they're observing through a camera rather than physically being one of the characters.
feeling the sweet water fizz beneath my feet
like a shaken soda left to explode.

I popped

like a champagne cork before a toast yeah... I liked the simplicity of the other version too hehe.
in someone else’s honor, flying
over the mint grass and fondant flowers,
careening off walls to land out of play
in the chute for bad nuts beside
the juicing press. I rolled the Blueberry
Girl like a dung beetle down definitely liked the other version of this better too, this flow and form seems a tad wordy when compared to the others
a hall I had forgotten
to lick. The Salt Girl, for once, was silent
too busy nursing her bitten fingers.
 
Some would say that we do not live
in the bones of the factory, that we left
our old selves behind. Our days are now
gobstobber long. There is no exit,
only each other, the stench of chocolate
and a terrible hunger.

(02-04-2016, 04:32 AM)Todd Wrote:  Revision 3

Hell has a dark river, and I am the mouth
that tried to drink it all. The river swallowed
me in return. Until I lodged in its throat,
feeling the sweet water fizz beneath my feet   dig the additions here. Makes it more allegorical.
like a shaken soda left to explode.

I popped  

like a champagne cork before a toast 
in someone else’s honor, flying
over the mint grass and fondant flowers,
careening off walls to land out of play
in the chute for bad nuts beside
the juicing press. I rolled the Blueberry
Girl like a dung beetle down
a hall I had forgotten
to lick. The Salt Girl, for once, was silent
too busy nursing her bitten fingers.
 
Some would say that we do not live
in the bones of the factory, that we left
our old selves behind. Our days are now
gobstobber long. There is no exit,            On the fence about the use of gobstopper, it may seem too obvious.
only each other, the stench of chocolate   Maybe something like "Each day is a gobstopper"  
and a terrible hunger.  "There is no exit" gives me the same feeling.  I think it's already implied from                                                previous lines.

Todd,  

I'm really enjoying the development of this piece.  It get's better and better with each revision.

-Nick

(02-09-2016, 11:27 AM)Weeded Wrote:  

(02-04-2016, 04:32 AM)Todd Wrote:  Revision 3

Hell has a dark river, and I am the mouth After reading the first three revisions several times to reading this as the opening line.. Is Willy Wonka Satan or am I thinking about the movie too much haha..
that tried to drink it all. The river swallowed
me in return. Until I lodged in its throat, so far nice, im curious what spurred the first person intro after leaving it entirely third before. I only wonder because to me to write entirely in third successfully is somewhat of a feat to me, I also thought it kinda helped provide that movie/story point of view, where the reader feels more like they're observing through a camera rather than physically being one of the characters.
feeling the sweet water fizz beneath my feet
like a shaken soda left to explode.

I popped

like a champagne cork before a toast yeah... I liked the simplicity of the other version too hehe.
in someone else’s honor, flying
over the mint grass and fondant flowers,
careening off walls to land out of play
in the chute for bad nuts beside
the juicing press. I rolled the Blueberry
Girl like a dung beetle down definitely liked the other version of this better too, this flow and form seems a tad wordy when compared to the others
a hall I had forgotten
to lick. The Salt Girl, for once, was silent
too busy nursing her bitten fingers.
 
Some would say that we do not live
in the bones of the factory, that we left
our old selves behind. Our days are now
gobstobber long. There is no exit,
only each other, the stench of chocolate
and a terrible hunger.

Todd,
Great original and great revisions, I read this one kinda seperately from the other two; the message is stronger in this one and certain keywords set a much darker tone in this as well. I kinda feel like the remnants of the first three could be dropped for an entirely new poem, but thatd be doin the most so yeah idk the whole first person intro was kind of that risk though. I hope this helps, great works
mike

(02-09-2016, 12:31 PM)Brujo Wrote:  

(02-04-2016, 04:32 AM)Todd Wrote:  Revision 3

Hell has a dark river, and I am the mouth
that tried to drink it all. The river swallowed
me in return. Until I lodged in its throat,
feeling the sweet water fizz beneath my feet   dig the additions here. Makes it more allegorical.
like a shaken soda left to explode.

I popped  

like a champagne cork before a toast 
in someone else’s honor, flying
over the mint grass and fondant flowers,
careening off walls to land out of play
in the chute for bad nuts beside
the juicing press. I rolled the Blueberry
Girl like a dung beetle down
a hall I had forgotten
to lick. The Salt Girl, for once, was silent
too busy nursing her bitten fingers.
 
Some would say that we do not live
in the bones of the factory, that we left
our old selves behind. Our days are now
gobstobber long. There is no exit,            On the fence about the use of gobstopper, it may seem too obvious.
only each other, the stench of chocolate   Maybe something like "Each day is a gobstopper"  
and a terrible hunger.  "There is no exit" gives me the same feeling.  I think it's already implied from                                                previous lines.

Todd,  

I'm really enjoying the development of this piece.  It get's better and better with each revision.

-Nick

(02-04-2016, 04:32 AM)Todd Wrote:  I was almost ready to critique this before, but then you posted this revision, and I had to reread -- fortunately, it's not that different from before. The passive voice being repeated over and over did weaken the original, sure, but "beneath the russet river is a pipe" is much stronger for me than your current first line, being more specific and original -- oh well, I don't think there's a way you can return it here. And anyway, this revision did remove the passivity, and the whole's much stronger now.
Revision 3.1

Hell has a dark river, and I am the mouth Or maybe I've just read too much about the rivers of Hades at this point. 
that tried to drink it all. The river swallowed The enjambment here does nothing for me. It sounds artificial: I know the whole thought the moment "swallowed" flashed, and my reading of the sentence is still continuous.
me in return. Until I lodged in its throat, Shouldn't this be a part of the last sentence?
feeling the sweet water fizz beneath my feet
like a shaken soda left to explode.

I popped

like a champagne cork before a toast 
in someone else’s honor, flying As much as it's sweet to suck the imagery here, the champagne cork is either redundant or contradictory (both, to me, with champagne cork having a bit more fancy) to the soda shaking. Since the champagne cork image was original, I'd suggest just removing the soda pop bits -- make it champagne bottle throughout, from before 'til after the pop.
over the mint grass and fondant flowers, Not a note on the poem itself, but I would think Mr. Wonka's sugar flowers wouldn't be just plain fondant here -- or maybe I'm just missing a reference. Anyway.
careening off walls to land out of play
in the chute for bad nuts beside
the juicing press. I rolled the Blueberry
Girl like a dung beetle down
a hall I had forgotten A bit weird that Gloop here finds the Blueberry Girl in the chute for bad nuts, at least so far unpressed, but for this poem, I guess it works. I'm not too sure about the break with "forgotten to lick". The whole image of this sentence, though, is very well done.
to lick. The Salt Girl, for once, was silent Comma.
too busy nursing her bitten fingers. 
 
Some would say that we do not live
in the bones of the factory, that we left
our old selves behind. Each day is now
the same gobstopper. There is no exit, I plainly don't like the gobstopper line -- it feels too, er, mundane, or something, what with this ending fulfilling (appropriately, I think, even for the original tale) the darkness. It breaks the length of the two (true) end sentences effectively, but, again, it's just too meh: I say remove it. "our old selves behind. There is no exit, / ..."
only each other, the stench of chocolate Oggsford comma missing. 
and a terrible hunger. I will always really like this ending.

(02-04-2016, 04:32 AM)Todd Wrote:  Revision 3.1

Hell has a dark river, and I am the mouth  I am still on the fence about your new first line.  the inclusion of Hell works when the whole poem has been taken on board, but as a first word, first line, intro it feels very tired.  (I think the trouble was I loved your previous russet river pipe image.  It immediately plugged me into the film image of the chocolate river whereas the dark river of hell plays an entirely separate line of thought that it took some moments to shake off)
that tried to drink it all. The river swallowed  Having said all that I love the change away from the passive voice and in particular this intro of fp character.
me in return. Until I lodged in its throat,
feeling the sweet water fizz beneath my feet
like a shaken soda left to explode.  Not sure you need "like" on this line, esp as you then repeat it so soon.  think you should consider which one is more effective - my choice is to loose this one.

I popped  like the movement / like the white space and line breaks...carries the energy of the action.

like a champagne cork before a toast 
in someone else’s honor, flying  overall great build up and combined image of flying boy.
over the mint grass and fondant flowers,  nice images - made me smile
careening off walls to land out of play
in the chute for bad nuts beside   perhaps a comma needed after nuts- but I am famous for poor punctuation so perhaps not!
the juicing press. I rolled the Blueberry
Girl like a dung beetle down
a hall I had forgotten  not a fan of the line break here thing it would be better with lick moved up. IMO would also strengthen the salt girl line if it was a stand alone.
to lick. The Salt Girl, for once, was silent  think need to move the comma from after once to after silent.
too busy nursing her bitten fingers.
 
Some would say that we do not live   I have a problem here that might be a local thing.  "Some would say..."  is a huge cliche for me because of the Top gear programe.  I keep expecting the character of  The Stig to be introduced
in the bones of the factory, that we left
our old selves behind. Each day is now
the same gobstopper. There is no exit,
only each other, the stench of chocolate
and a terrible hunger.  other than my local to the Uk cliche no nits with the rest of this stanza and great ending.

~