California - Edit 1

[Wjames]

Revised:

While evening sways the almond grove
and palm tree dates bloom on the beach,
my grandma slaves over the stove
to serve a simple family feast.

Mom leads us in a quiet grace
that lasts so long my stomach growls,
then once we’re blessed I stuff my face
as dad and grandpa smile and howl.

Original:

While evening sways the almond grove
and palm tree dates bloom on the beach,
your grandma slaves over the stove
to make a pie from summer peach.

[71degrees]

While evening sways the almond grove
and palm tree dates bloom on the beach,
your grandma slaves over the stove
to make a pie from summer peach.

Why "your" grandma? Why not "my" or drop it altogether? Just a thought. I like the progression of thoughts...almost geographically taking me through California in four lines. Not an easy thing to do.

[REW]

While evening sways the almond grove
and palm tree dates bloom on the beach,
your grandma slaves over the stove
to make a pie from summer peach.

Hi,

To be honest I feel like there is not enough here.  

A specific nit would be that the use of peach bothers me.  Peach rhymes perfectly with beach. However, peach is not correct.  A person would not be able to make a pie from one peach.  A pie would involve peaches.  
I do like that you are painting a portrait of the geographical region and the significance.  But I feel it ends abruptly and that there could be more patterned into the scene.

Those are my thoughts for now.  I will peek in again to check in and see what is happening.

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

While evening sways the almond grove<--dont love sways here...but i cant think of anything else. TO THE THESAURUS!
and palm tree dates bloom on the beach,
your grandma slaves over the stove
to make a pie from summer peach.<-- I would change this line to {to make pie from a summer peach}, moving the placement of the a. First of all, it just sounds better, and the image of making a pie with a peach instead of many peaches connects more strongly to the use of the word slave...or course, this does create a slightly different image, and it may not be what you are going for.

Overall, I really like this piece. I, being way too metaphysical all the time, keep trying to find a deeper image or meaning and cant...some poems thrive on that, some dont. Think about it.
Great job!

-Liz

[Erthona]

Yeah, sorry. I have to go with peach being a forced rhyme.

Plus Palm-->Date-->Peach which doesn't fit.

California's got  almond, dates, palms, and lemons as big as oranges, but peaches? Everything is natural up to that point. You telling me grandma got her "peach", like James and the Giant Peach" out of a can. No man, no!  


Best,


dale

[slecht]

While evening sways the almond grove
and palm tree dates bloom on the beach,
your grandma slaves over the stove
to make a pie from summer peach.

--This feels incomplete. And the your grandma leaves me thinking a lot of what's going on? The Almond - Palm - Peach is not the best combination here which makes it a bit not so natural, and I would say peaches.

[Wjames]

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. I agree this could be improved (especially peach, but I'm stuck there right now), and maybe added to.

[Wjames]

I've made an edit here; I'm not sure how I feel about the second stanza right now. I think I fixed the peach & your issues though.

[REW]

Revised:

While evening sways the almond grove
and palm tree dates bloom on the beach,
my grandma slaves over the stove
to serve a simple family feast.

Mom leads us in a quiet grace
that lasts so long my stomach growls,
then once we’re blessed I stuff my face
as dad and grandpa smile and howl.

Original:

While evening sways the almond grove
and palm tree dates bloom on the beach,
your grandma slaves over the stove
to make a pie from summer peach.

Yes you fixed the peach issue/forced rhyme.  As for your second stanza, I feel it could be built up more, as in the poem.  I still do not see the defining California moment.

Your last line to me leaves me with questions...it seems to me that perhaps you should mention why Grandpa and Dad smile and howl.  Or is this when they transform into werewolves?

I guess I am expecting a special moment that characterizes why you chose to call this California.

[faerykid]

i think i actually prefer the ending verse "to make a pie from summer peach." because while it doesnt quite rhyme, much like the verse you decided to go with it still feels complete and satisfying. i would use it in another stanza if u chose to lengthen it...

[UselessBlueprint]

I have to admit that at first I wasn't fond of this piece. I must agree with Liz, in that I cannot find too much to read into, nothing of real significance that pops out to me. That's okay though, as long as it says something that isn't completely empty. While it isn't empty, it certainly isn't full. I think that's what bothers me. I also have to disagree with 71degrees. I don't feel like I'm being geographically moved through California. I feel like I'm reading a line about an almond grove, then a beach, then watching a family prepare/eat dinner. I think your feast requires some more meat, or should at least be plated a little nicer. There's an alliteration of S through and locally of L and F. Unfortunately, I don't see what that alliteration adds, as I don't get any sonic cues from it (well, perhaps some food cooking/sizzling, but if that was the intent, adding the word "sizzle" could go a long way, in my opinion). It rhymes, of course, which makes the meter all the more obvious. Tetrameter, my absolute favorite. That said, the meter falls off a bit, which makes the reading weird for me. Note below...

and palm tree dates bloom on the beach,     -- "bloom on" sounds off. It's hard to make "bloom" less stressed than "on"

my grandma slaves over the stove     -- "over" is trochaic in my dialect (and most I know of). I hesitate to say it's forgivable, but it does sound mildly forced to me.

Mom leads us in a quiet grace     --stressing "in" is not really natural, but forgivable

growl / smile / howl -- I'll ask the linguist in my house for the specific term regarding these words, but the fact that all three almost sound like two syllables makes the poem (particularly the last line) more laborious to read than it should be. My opinion - replace "smile" (with a clear-cut one syllable word, not something like 'scowl')

I've read this piece many times, and tried to like it. I come close, but fall a bit short. At the risk of sounding cliche, it has potential to me. But the fact it doesn't seem to say a whole lot makes it seem like just a few rhymes to me.

[jameso]

Honestly I think there is a lot more eloquence in 'make a pie from summer peach' a previous member complained that it would be multiple 'peaches' but you are not writing 'from a summer peach', it's 'summer peach' like making i pie from 'bramley apple'. it is the flavour of the pie not the ingredients list and quantity. like a banana smoothie, not a bananas smoothie. I also think pie from summer peach is far more evocative than 'simple family feast' which is light hearted and a little less impactful. peach pie sounds beautiful, maybe its just because i havent had breakfast yet.