Younger than your luck

[Keith]

How wrong can wrong really be
when fifteen girls dress up eighteen
lipstick traces on vodka shots
enough foundation to hide the spots.

How wrong can wrong really be
when eighteen boys still act fifteen
slot machines, Marlborough's and pints
she looked a lot older under those lights.

How wrong can wrong really be
when eighteen boys fumble fifteen
buttons burst and stretch the seams
mascara closes afraid of the scene.

How wrong can wrong really be
when fifteen girls feel thirteen
real panic tries to find reverse  
please stop, he said he hadn't heard.

[Skye]

Good job this is cool.   I could hear the beat.  I liked the imagery of lipstick on vodka shots, I could picture foundation covering teenage skin, and the buttons bursting.
"when fifteen girls feel thirteen" was unexpected but in a good way, like things were happening TO and along with the beat of the poem you know. and, "he said he hadn't heard" worked well as a finish. 

it might just be me, but "mascara closes afraid of the scene" didn't evoke a powerful image until i had read and processed the poem a few times. i think i get what you were trying for, but i just didn't get it in time with the imagery in the rest of the poem. maybe there is another way to word it? "mascara closes" i think "closes" could be replaced... it just seems like maybe there is a more descriptive way to show what you mean that line?

I like the title.

[Erthona]

Can't say I like the title, but the poem is interesting.


dale

[Keith]

Good job this is cool.   I could hear the beat.  I liked the imagery of lipstick on vodka shots, I could picture foundation covering teenage skin, and the buttons bursting.
"when fifteen girls feel thirteen" was unexpected but in a good way, like things were happening TO and along with the beat of the poem you know. and, "he said he hadn't heard" worked well as a finish. 

it might just be me, but "mascara closes afraid of the scene" didn't evoke a powerful image until i had read and processed the poem a few times. i think i get what you were trying for, but i just didn't get it in time with the imagery in the rest of the poem. maybe there is another way to word it? "mascara closes" i think "closes" could be replaced... it just seems like maybe there is a more descriptive way to show what you mean that line?

I like the title.

This is really good feedback skye thank you for taking the time its always good to know what does and doesn't work, this poem was a bit of an experiment for me, I will have a look at the mascara scene as it also sounds a bit forced on reflection, thank you, Keith

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Can't say I like the title, but the poem is interesting.


dale

Thanks Dale, titles can be an issue at times