Between the Needle and Me

[shurgaree]

You said you loved me
but forgot your words in a fifth of gin
And threw it up in the toilet
As you shit all over it again.

You’re a bird that can’t land
And it’s hard for me to see
Lying awake all night thinking
Will you choose the needle or me?

Or will you fly to another bird,
Just as I expect
Why in the world do I love you
So many reasons, and yet;

You tell me to wait 
For when you find your feet
But I don’t see your smile
in the other girls I meet

So lay me down in the meantime
Torture me every other day
As your heroin veins make you smile
A lot more than I may

[Wjames]

You said you loved me
but forgot your words in a fifth of gin
And threw it up in the toilet
As you shit all over it again.

You’re a bird that can’t land
And it’s hard for me to see
Lying awake all night thinking
Will you choose the needle or me?

Or will you fly to another bird,
Just as I expect
Why in the world do I love you
So many reasons, and yet; What are the reasons?

You tell me to wait 
For when you find your feet
But I don’t see your smile
in the other girls I meet

So lay me down in the meantime
Torture me every other day
As your heroin veins make you smile
A lot more than I may

In general, rhyming poetry is a lot smoother with a constant meter. There are some good threads on it in the practice threads here if you want to have a look.

My biggest problem with the poem is the bolded question. I don't care about this girl, and your poem has given me no reason to; I can't really empathize with the narrator's love for her, everything she does in the poem is bad. It would be a much more interesting poem if you painted a picture of what the narrator loves about this person, and then show how her problem ruins that.

I also think you could be more specific in your imagery, your first stanza is the best of them because it made me visualize something (the vomit and shit metaphor), most of everything else is just conceptual.

Thanks for sharing, and welcome to the site

[shurgaree]

Nice Band avatar.
Thanks for the tips, I'll work them into the poem.

I will say I have no desire to expand/explain why I love this girl in this poem. The fact is I do have love for her, and the fact is she has issues. This poem is darkness - her issues and my inability to walk away from it. I can tell you all about her goodness and she does have plenty of it, but I don't intend for this poem to radiate positivity/paint either of us as angels

Honestly half of me wants to delete the 2nd/3rd stanzas and either do a shorter poem or find something better to put in. This literally took like 2 minutes to write - it came right out. I'm most proud of the last stanza personally but I'm glad you like the cold imagery of the first. I write music sometimes and am considering using the last verse as a chorus for a Dead Flowers-esque song

[Achebe]

You said you loved me
but forgot your words in a fifth of gin
And threw it up in the toilet
As you shit all over it again.

You’re a bird that can’t land
And it’s hard for me to see
Lying awake all night thinking
Will you choose the needle or me?

Or will you fly to another bird,
Just as I expect
Why in the world do I love you
So many reasons, and yet;

You tell me to wait 
For when you find your feet
But I don’t see your smile
in the other girls I meet

So lay me down in the meantime
Torture me every other day
As your heroin veins make you smile
A lot more than I may

I like this poem. It's sweet and unpretentious.
If you are going to take it to the next level, you need to look at how what you've done in L3 and L4 can be repeated elsewhere.
L4 is so visceral that I can smell shit for the rest of of the poem, so your feelings of tenderness come across as being fetishistic and not something I can empathise with.
Barring L3 and L4, the rest of the poem deals in abstract generalisations, which is why the smell of shit doesn't go away.
But that's only if you're looking at taking it to the next level. It's a 'nice' poem for Novice.

[nikkisto]

You said you loved me
but forgot your words in a fifth of gin
And threw it up in the toilet
As you shit all over it again.

You’re a bird that can’t land
And it’s hard for me to see
Lying awake all night thinking
Will you choose the needle or me?

Or will you fly to another bird,
Just as I expect
Why in the world do I love you
So many reasons, and yet;

You tell me to wait 
For when you find your feet
But I don’t see your smile
in the other girls I meet

So lay me down in the meantime
Torture me every other day
As your heroin veins make you smile
A lot more than I may

I was very drawn to this title, great hook. Initially, I found myself in agreement with another reviewer, wanting to feel more of what it is that draws the writer back to his/her partner. If you're looking to speak more to the darkness of her addiction, you might add some lines that externalize addiction through the needle. It would allow the reader to find some empathy and connection with the love interest, and direct some of the anger of the poem towards the needle instead. I'd also love to see more vulnerability in this to add more depth. Really solid draft!