Follow Me

[Jeremiahcp]

[Deleted by User]

[Julius]

Very illuminating. I think an imaginative poem such as this which in fact contains much truth could find a place in studies of the solar system to generate interest.
A couple of nits :-
I suggest the first line of stanza 2 should be "Once we win" or "Once we have won".
I wonder if the the last word of stanza 8 should be "thought" instead of "though"

[Erthona]

"Once we won"

Olympus Mon (sic) "Olympus Mons"

"and sling him in his unblinking eye"

"As did Voyager we too shall forge"

forge: "to form by heating and hammering; beat into shape."
forage: "the act of searching for provisions of any kind."
voyage: "a passage through air or space, as a flight in an airplane or space vehicle."

All definition from dictionary.com

"As did Voyager we too shall forge
where nothing from Earth has flown before;"

Self contradicting lines as evidently Voyager 1 and 2 have both "flown before".

dale

[Jeremiahcp]

I like that suggestion, Julius. "Once we have won" does sound more natural. However, I need to leave it as through, as it rhymes with blue.

[QDeathstar]

Here is my current project.  Would love to hear, any feedback.

Follow me

Follow me and we’ll swing
off the tip of the Crescent Moon,
into winged boots,
and race Mercury around the Sun.

Once we won 
we’ll swoon Venus
with a volcanic love song.
Then from her fiery embrace,
make our escape
with her sister Gaia;
to ride on clouds and sway
in the emerald day.

We’ll take up arms
to make war with Mars;
from the top of Olympus Mon
we’ll throw him down,
claim his red crown.
Then flee from the rage
of his desert plains.

We’ll let loose the Asteroid Belt,
and watch the mighty boulders
crash, bash and rumble
across empty space.

We’ll brave the immortal storm
to blaze and craze,
as we stare Jupiter down,
and sling him in his unblinking eye;
before the giant crumbles we’ll fly.

And hook a spin 
on Saturn's crystal rings.
In our circle, dizzy haze
we’ll jump off and shake off
the daze.

From Titan’s reach
we’ll beseech Uranus
to soar with us
in his azure ice.

Leaving father emeritus behind
we’ll dive head long,
into the vast Neptune blue
and swim on though;

to fall, fumble
trip and tumble
after Pluto’s irregular loop.

As did Voyager we too shall forge 
where nothing from Earth has flown before;
and as the distant stars
waltz to the cosmic song,
we’ll dance across the Milky Way.

it is difficult to do a line by line because of the way the formatting is done on the forums, but I appreciate the consistency of the story and theme. I didn't really see strong rythm in the piece which is OK, but the lack of rythm coupled with the awkward phrasing made the poem considerably less enjoyable. "As did Voyager we too shall". Do you talk like that? Does anyone? Is it excused by rythm?...

Also, there were a few phrases that don't make sense or sound sophomoric. The asteroid belt stanza stood out for this, as did the phasing about an emerald day. "once we won" should be once we've won...


Sometimes the rhyming comes off odd, especially when it is at the end of both lines. I feel the internal rhymes help move the poem through space, so I liked that, but there is no consistency and it comes off feeling haphazard and by mistake.

maybe surpassing voyager would work better.

---

in your poem it reads though, not through


http://forum.rhymezone.com/articles/963-...avoid-them

^its from a different site but it's a very nice write up

[Jeremiahcp]

it is difficult to do a line by line because of the way the formatting is done on the forums, but I appreciate the consistency of the story and theme.  I didn't really see strong rythm in the piece which is OK, but the lack of rythm coupled with the awkward phrasing made the poem considerably less enjoyable.  "As did Voyager we too shall". Do you talk like that? Does anyone? Is it excused by rythm?...

Also,  there were a few phrases that don't make sense or sound sophomoric. The asteroid belt stanza stood out for this, as did the phasing about an emerald day. "once we won" should be once we've won...


Sometimes the rhyming comes off odd, especially when it is at the end of both lines. I feel the internal rhymes help move the poem through space, so I liked that, but there is no consistency and it comes off feeling haphazard and by mistake.

maybe surpassing voyager would work better.

---

in your poem it reads though, not through


http://forum.rhymezone.com/articles/963-...avoid-them

^its from a different site but it's a very nice write up

Thanks for the input, and good catch on though. I broke away from traditional rhyme schemes, to a more free style rhyme. Psychology has shown that people have a stronger reaction to an unpredictable pattern. It is the same concept that casinos use to hook people.  I plan on doing some more in dept research on the idea, but at this time, I have just been experimenting with random rhyme. So I really appreciate the feedback. I am actually taking this poem to a local workshop, and see if I can get some more input on the rhyme. At this time I figure the best approach is to just try something, and then gather feedback. 

"Do you talk like that?"

No one talks the same way they write.   But I moved it around a bit, as it does sound a little too pumped.

[QDeathstar]

I think the poem does need the rhyme, it is a good vessel for movement... and there are several spots that you do it well. But there are other spots where it's ugh...

[Julius]

"through" would be good to finish stanza 8, however you still have "though". ( an "r" missing).

[Jeremiahcp]

Qdeathstar, you defiantly got me thinking about the differences between end line rhyme vs. internal rhyme.  

Thanks Julius and Qdeathstar for helping me clean that up. After letting it rest for a bit, I found a few more grammatical errors. I read the poem at our local workshop and shared it with a poet friend of mine, and I got a pretty positive reaction to the rhyme scheme.  So what I'll do for the next poem is let someone else read it out loud to me. This is to make sure my text is formatted correctly, and I am not making unconscious corrections when I read it out loud.