Shades of the Never Living

[crow]

Shades of the Never Living

There's panic in your night gown
when you wake. Did something wake you?
Maybe just, it was, that one spider
everyone is supposed to eat
in their sleep per annum.
Lustful, vengeful, reckless, a passionate dream still ruddy upon your cheeks,
you shout, "If there's ! ! ! "

Then squelch yourself, fast.

What to grab? 

Suddenly it's a clock radio you've taken into your hands,
mostly to stuff its light into your belly,
fool to think a man (could it *be* a female thief?)
would have any trouble divining her in bed . . .
You. You in bed.
Could make for a weapon though . . .

Suddenly frenetic, with no escape to safety possible,
you charge into the kitchen with your clock radio 
and actually cry, "Hi-ya!" when you pitch it 
into the empty dark,
where it all breaks down.

Dear God, where it all breaks down.

[REW]

Hi

This poem is rather aggressive in the writing, which I think works well with the aggressiveness of the panic.  I like the ambiguity of the ending, "Dear God, where it all breaks down."  The reader doesn't know if there was a meltdown or if an innocent family member was struck in the head, or what exactly the situation is.  Maybe there really was someone in the dark and now he is going to kill her.  One thing perhaps to note is that I as a reader do not feel anything for the narrator.  A topic such as this has the potential for emotional appeal.  Using first person narration would have more of an effect in that regard.  Most interesting to me was the lead up to the ending.  I do really like your ending.  I have an issue with the title.  It jars with me and doesn't seem quite right.  True the subject in the poem isn't really living due to the state of fear and paranoia, but maybe there is a better way of phrasing it.

Shades of the Never Living

There's panic in your night gown (Something is a little award to me in the construction of the first stanza.  I have a hard time putting my finger on it.  I think it is that she wakes up in a state of panic already.  It seems like there would need to be a moment for that to set in, especially if the subject was in the middle of a passionate dream.)
when you wake. Did something wake you?
Maybe just, it was, that one spider
everyone is supposed to eat
in their sleep per annum.
Lustful, vengeful, reckless, a passionate dream still ruddy upon your cheeks,
you shout, "If there's ! ! ! "

Then squelch yourself, fast.

What to grab? 

Suddenly it's a clock radio you've taken into your hands,
mostly to stuff its light into your belly,
fool to think a man (could it *be* a female thief?)
would have any trouble divining her in bed . . .
You. You in bed.
Could make for a weapon though . . .

Suddenly frenetic, with no escape to safety possible,
you charge into the kitchen with your clock radio 
and actually cry, "Hi-ya!" when you pitch it 
into the empty dark,
where it all breaks down.

Dear God, where it all breaks down. (By the end this is a little scary and that is good for your poem).

[mlund]

Shades of the Never Living

There's panic in your night gown Why did you choose to split up this sentence into two lines? 
when you wake. Did something wake you? I am not sure about the repetitive use of "wake" in this line. Maybe a different choice of words.
Maybe just, it was, that one spider The second comma seems unnecessary in this line
everyone is supposed to eat
in their sleep per annum.
Lustful, vengeful, reckless, a passionate dream still ruddy upon your cheeks,
you shout, "If there's ! ! ! "

Then squelch yourself, fast.

What to grab? This line seems very abrupt. I understand that this is what you are trying to go for in the mood of the poem, but perhaps elaborate a bit to make it more grammatically correct and flow better (ex What is there to grab?) 

Suddenly it's a clock radio you've taken into your hands,
mostly to stuff its light into your belly,
fool to think a man (could it *be* a female thief?) What is the purpose of mentioning a thief? If you are in your own home you would not be stealing your own possessions.
would have any trouble divining her in bed . . .
You. You in bed.
Could make for a weapon though . . .

Suddenly frenetic, with no escape to safety possible,
you charge into the kitchen with your clock radio 
and actually cry, "Hi-ya!" when you pitch it 
into the empty dark,
where it all breaks down.

Dear God, where it all breaks down. This line is very powerful and really brings the whole poem together

Good job with relaying your message in a very modernist way. Even though the poem does not always make sense, you are able to convey a sense of frustration and fear and confusion to the reader. The title, however, could maybe have a little more relevance to the message of the poem. Thank you for sharing!

[QDeathstar]

I desperately disagree with the critiques thus far. The first stanza, for me is perfect. I can feel it. I'm there waking up, is something down there, I'm going to!!!, no wait a minute, what if it's something bad, let me, ah yes, a weapon, for protection, but not really, the madness slipping in.



For me, this poem is about paranoia. And I enjoyed it as such. I'm usually a fan of most your poems, crow, they have a breathless feeling to them, or, if requiem for a dream were a poem... this is no exception.



as a critique, I can't quite grasp the part about "divining her in bed"