Taking Flight [Major Revision-New Title]

[Emz]

Taking flight

In sundown Australia,
seen below, the plane is
a southern cross 
searching for a northern sky,
flashing signals
as it passes along:
red-white--red-white;
all corners of the 'craft --
and sometimes
the plane flashes
red-white-and-blue. 

Here, in long awaited sun rise, 
at the airport
where I nearly slept,
I'm now watchful to the east
for travel, and for 
opportunities where 
I may go beyond
the Indian Ocean
to mighty Pacific seas.
watchful
to travel for something,
painful
the long haul, BUT
to leave and arrive
on the very same day. 

When the sun sets
and I must go,
two days left behind
to international lines.
Across barren blue waste;
oceans double their size
perspective-wise 
on the way home.




------------Original--------------

Phases 

Lifestyle of day/night phases:
watchful to the east
until our sun sets
when I look to the west.
 
The plane to New York
follows east.
By the end of twenty-two hours,
I will have lost nothing,
not even a day.
 
When the plane travels
west again, I'll wonder where
two days have been.
 
A verse for starlight gazes.
Stars that I know
down south, where I live,
will reverse in New York
and return again here.
A watchful eye
to Orion's sky;
the only thing I'll recognise.
 
And now,
like clockwork,
through time-zones I go:
I'll follow planes east,
and where the planes stop,
I'll follow east further
and wind back at home.

[Achebe]

you are after all, posting in Serious, so...

Phases 

Lifestyle of day/night phases: - this line sets up the expectation of what the poem is going to be about, which is fine. However, since this line in itself has no poetic merit, you might as well make this the title.
watchful to the east
until our sun sets
when I look to the west. ..... the first of my 'what the hell did I just read' moments. I struggle to understand the point of these three lines. They do not paint a picture, they do not tell a story, they do not sing a song, they do not say anything banal in an interesting way. And no, they do not convey a sense of the monotonous predictability of a (presumably) 24x7 work lifestyle, if that was the intention.
 
The plane to New York
follows east.
By the end of twenty-two hours,
I will have lost nothing,
not even a day.  ..... the second of my wthdijr moments. you can't take up an entire stanza / strophe to tell the reader that crossing the international date line is an unsettling experience for you. I correct myself - you can tell the reader that, but it's a bit like saying that Monday mornings get you down. It is disturbingly banal.
 
When the plane travels
west again, I'll wonder where
two days have been. ... banality twice over.
 
 
A verse for starlight gazes. ...what?
Stars that I know
down south, where I live,
will reverse in New York ...and whirlpools form counterclockwise, and the shadow move clockwise, and the seasons alternate...what is your point?? is the reader expected to learn for the first time that the earth is round?
and return again here.
A watchful eye
to Orion's sky;
the only thing I'll recognise....is that because you are bad at reading the sky? what about scorpio?
 
And now,
like clockwork,
through time-zones I go:
I'll follow planes east,
and where the planes stop,
I'll follow east further
and wind back at home... wthdijr? what is the point of saying this again?

[rayheinrich]

I'm mesmerized by the rhythm of it. A mood piece as I experienced it.
Not that I've ever traveled around the globe. Once to Europe in all my
life. But I do know of the slip of time, my own personal jet-lag of 32
hour days gradually looping and looping so that nothing is certain.
...
Some of the details were confusing to me when I read it. Not the
intended disorientation, but a few details that robed me of the
emersion I'd like to experience.

I think the fact that you're going on trips halfway around the globe
needs to be announced right at the first somehow. As it's confusing
to not understand what's happening. (Unless, of course, this is the
intent.)

Maybe the title could quite literally announce it in some way.

1 Maybe not use the "/" break it up. Don't like "lifestyle", too cliché?
or no, maybe just too modern. Would just use simple old "life".
"A life that blurs the day with night... (well, I don't like that, but you
get the idea.)

2 Don't like "watchful" just "I watch"?
3 good
4 Maybe "then" instead of "when"

7 Maybe just "goes" or maybe something specific it follows, not just east.
8 Is "by the end of" necessary?
9-13 good

14 "been" is a bit confusing to me. I know "gone" is boring, maybe some other word?
16 Should "gazes" be gazers"?
18 For many people "down south" seems a much shorter distance,
really not descriptive of the vastness you want to convey.
Sidney is "down south" of Brisbane, for instance. Don't how you'll solve this, but then,
it ain't my poem.

Phases
01     Lifestyle of day/night phases:
02     watchful to the east
03     until our sun sets
04     when I look to the west.
05    
06     The plane to New York
07     follows east.
08     By the end of twenty-two hours,
09     I will have lost nothing,
10     not even a day.
11    
12     When the plane travels
13     west again, I'll wonder where
14     two days have been.
15    
16     A verse for starlight gazes.
17     Stars that I know
18     down south, where I live,
19     will reverse in New York
20     and return again here.
21     A watchful eye
22     to Orion's sky;
23     the only thing I'll recognise.
24    
25     And now,
26     like clockwork,
27     through time-zones I go:
28     I'll follow planes east,
29     and where the planes stop,
30     I'll follow east further
31     and wind back at home.

19 They don't exactly "reverse", more like a mirror image, or well, I guess that's just my
feel for it, now that I think about it "reverse" works, though I do think "mirror" is more
intuitive.
20 We went to New York, but now we're back "here". I wish "here" was a place name,
something that establishes the transition a bit better.
21-23 Confusing "Orion" 's belt looks about the same, the rest of him, I guess yes
if you're familiar that it's a mirror image. "the only thing" is not believable as there
must be more things. Maybe it should be some way of noticing that doesn't specify
"only".

25 ok
26 Maybe "clockwork" is a bit too clichéd

27-30 Well, at the start you go east, then return west.
then here you go east, the go east again
yes, I know both routes are possible. (I do love the east, east one the best.)
but changing them confuses me.

31 Oh, so "wind" goes with "clockwork" ? maybe another linked metaphor would be better.

Hope some of that helps.
Ray

[Emz]

I'm mesmerized by the rhythm of it. A mood piece as I experienced it.
Not that I've ever traveled around the globe. Once to Europe in all my
life. But I do know of the slip of time, my own personal jet-lag of 32
hour days gradually looping and looping so that nothing is certain.
...
Some of the details were confusing to me when I read it. Not the
intended disorientation, but a few details that robed me of the
emersion I'd like to experience.

I think the fact that you're going on trips halfway around the globe
needs to be announced right at the first somehow. As it's confusing
to not understand what's happening. (Unless, of course, this is the
intent.)

Maybe the title could quite literally announce it in some way.

1 Maybe not use the "/" break it up. Don't like "lifestyle", too cliché?
or no, maybe just too modern. Would just use simple old "life".
"A life that blurs the day with night... (well, I don't like that, but you
get the idea.)

2 Don't like "watchful" just "I watch"?
3 good
4 Maybe "then" instead of "when"

7 Maybe just "goes" or maybe something specific it follows, not just east.
8 Is "by the end of" necessary?
9-13 good

14 "been" is a bit confusing to me. I know "gone" is boring, maybe some other word?
16 Should "gazes" be gazers"?
18 For many people "down south" seems a much shorter distance,
really not descriptive of the vastness you want to convey.
Sidney is "down south" of Brisbane, for instance. Don't how you'll solve this, but then,
it ain't my poem.

Phases
01     Lifestyle of day/night phases:
02     watchful to the east
03     until our sun sets
04     when I look to the west.
05      
06     The plane to New York
07     follows east.
08     By the end of twenty-two hours,
09     I will have lost nothing,
10     not even a day.
11      
12     When the plane travels
13     west again, I'll wonder where
14     two days have been.
15      
16     A verse for starlight gazes.
17     Stars that I know
18     down south, where I live,
19     will reverse in New York
20     and return again here.
21     A watchful eye
22     to Orion's sky;
23     the only thing I'll recognise.
24      
25     And now,
26     like clockwork,
27     through time-zones I go:
28     I'll follow planes east,
29     and where the planes stop,
30     I'll follow east further
31     and wind back at home.

19 They don't exactly "reverse", more like a mirror image, or well, I guess that's just my
feel for it, now that I think about it "reverse" works, though I do think "mirror" is more
intuitive.
20 We went to New York, but now we're back "here". I wish "here" was a place name,
something that establishes the transition a bit better.
21-23 Confusing "Orion" 's belt looks about the same, the rest of him, I guess yes
if you're familiar that it's a mirror image. "the only thing" is not believable as there
must be more things. Maybe it should be some way of noticing that doesn't specify
"only".

25 ok
26 Maybe "clockwork" is a bit too clichéd

27-30 Well, at the start you go east, then return west.
then here you go east, the go east again
yes, I know both routes are possible. (I do love the east, east one the best.)
but changing them confuses me.

31 Oh, so "wind" goes with "clockwork" ? maybe another linked metaphor would be better.

Hope some of that helps.
Ray

Dear Ray,

I am very appreciative of the time you spent reading this and providing feedback. There are a lot of good points you have raised which require serious looking at (which is why I'm here in the serious workshop, of course ) This is quite a new poem and I haven't written too much in the past couple of years, so it's great to be active in a poetry forum again. I intend on trying to salvage what I was attempting to express, but perhaps a MAJOR rewrite is in order. 

I knew before posting that this wasn't my best work, but it had things I really wanted to work on. For future reference, is this the type of poem that would be better off in a mild critique section, or is it still okay to post in serious as long as the goal is to obtain serious feedback? I'm still getting a feel for this website, although I did want to dive into this section because I was so afraid of the "Advanced" section of my last forum that I just never posted there.

I'll be taking another read through your commentary and have a crack at rewriting. Your feedback is much appreciated.

Thanks!

Emma

[rayheinrich]

... This is quite a new poem and I haven't written too much in the past couple of years, so it's great to be active in a poetry forum again. I intend on trying to salvage what I was attempting to express, but perhaps a MAJOR rewrite is in order. 

I knew before posting that this wasn't my best work, but it had things I really wanted to work on. For future reference, is this the type of poem that would be better off in a mild critique section, or is it still okay to post in serious as long as the goal is to obtain serious feedback? I'm still getting a feel for this website, although I did want to dive into this section because I was so afraid of the "Advanced" section of my last forum that I just never posted there.

I'll be taking another read through your commentary and have a crack at rewriting. Your feedback is much appreciated.
Thanks!
Emma

Where you post is largely up to you. But you should only post in 'Serious' if you believe in your poem
enough to warrant the time that the critiquers put into it, and are willing to take the time to go through
several edits. To me, its faults are outweighed by its potential. I think the strength of its narative
justifies it being placed here. Major rewrites, intentional or not, are frequently performed here.
All I ask is that you not abandon it. 'Serious' is seldom over in a day or two. You can always say
you're going to take our sterling crits , mull them over for a few days, and then come back with
an edit. (But it's poor form to not come back, or to whimp out saying: "Oh dear, I don't think it's ready".)

That said, it's your first time and you can do whatever you like and still be loved. (Especially since
you've evidenced such "vitality and interest" in the rest of this damned place.)

But hey, I'd say take a few days between each edit and go for it; have confidence, this thing's got legs.
Ray

[Emz]

you are after all, posting in Serious, so...

Phases 

Lifestyle of day/night phases: - this line sets up the expectation of what the poem is going to be about, which is fine. However, since this line in itself has no poetic merit, you might as well make this the title.
watchful to the east
until our sun sets
when I look to the west. ..... the first of my 'what the hell did I just read' moments. I struggle to understand the point of these three lines. They do not paint a picture, they do not tell a story, they do not sing a song, they do not say anything banal in an interesting way. And no, they do not convey a sense of the monotonous predictability of a (presumably) 24x7 work lifestyle, if that was the intention.
 
The plane to New York
follows east.
By the end of twenty-two hours,
I will have lost nothing,
not even a day.  ..... the second of my wthdijr moments. you can't take up an entire stanza / strophe to tell the reader that crossing the international date line is an unsettling experience for you. I correct myself - you can tell the reader that, but it's a bit like saying that Monday mornings get you down. It is disturbingly banal.
 
When the plane travels
west again, I'll wonder where
two days have been. ... banality twice over.
 
 
A verse for starlight gazes. ...what?
Stars that I know
down south, where I live,
will reverse in New York ...and whirlpools form counterclockwise, and the shadow move clockwise, and the seasons alternate...what is your point?? is the reader expected to learn for the first time that the earth is round?
and return again here.
A watchful eye
to Orion's sky;
the only thing I'll recognise....is that because you are bad at reading the sky? what about scorpio?
 
And now,
like clockwork,
through time-zones I go:
I'll follow planes east,
and where the planes stop,
I'll follow east further
and wind back at home... wthdijr? what is the point of saying this again?

I appreciate your honest feedback. I've taken a lot of consideration on your views and you're right: what the hell did you just read? I don't even know what I was trying to say anymore. It's too broad and too simple. I need to do some huge rewrites, and by the time I'm done, it will essentially be a different poem altogether.

I'm going to level-up my writing (I hope).

Thank you!

[billy]

hi emma.

after reading it a few times i know what's being said it just seems to be taking a long way of saying it. the 1st person gains or loses or stays at the same time. if you embellish it use some image/metaphor at present it feels like a travel log. the first line works better as the title for me. it is original and has no cliche but it needs something to hold the reader. pull out the best few lines and build on them. what are the lifestyles of day and night phases. do you eat vegan or diabetic meals, how much do you drink and do you get drunk or chatted up by some sweaty fat bastard like me? smells, alliteration, consonance etc. make some of the poetic devices carry the load.

Phases 

Lifestyle of day/night phases: keep
watchful to the east
until our sun sets
when I look to the west. why? what do see/feel are you having on board eats/drinks, has the cabin crew got big cocks. if so; compared to what? paint the picture.
 
The plane to New York keep
follows east.
By the end of twenty-two hours,
I will have lost nothing,
not even a day.
 
When the plane travels
west again, I'll wonder where
two days have been.
 
A verse for starlight gazes.
Stars that I know what stars. what are they like, how do they move across the window/do they move across the window?
down south, where I live,
will reverse in New York
and return again here.
A watchful eye
to Orion's sky;
the only thing I'll recognise.
 
And now,
like clockwork,
through time-zones I go:
I'll follow planes east,
and where the planes stop,
I'll follow east further
and wind back at home.

[ellajam]

Hi, emz, first of all I like the tone of this, there's a softness to it that leaves a feeling of confusion and wonder with an undertone of nervousness that travel can bring. That's a distinct combination that I think is worth writing about. Some notes below.

Phases 

Lifestyle of day/night phases: This line doesn't do it for me and I don't think this is what the poem is talking about.
watchful to the east
until our sun sets
when I look to the west.
I like the idea of following the sun setting off thoughts of the west but I think you can think of a more interesting way to say it.
 
The plane to New York
follows east. Follows is odd, I think something else would be better.
By the end of twenty-two hours,
I will have lost nothing,
not even a day.
 
When the plane travels
west again, I'll wonder where
two days have been.
 I like the way you talk about the days lost/found. You may be able to expand on it.

A verse for starlight gazes. I'm not sure why you announce the verse, it's like you're taking me out of the poem instead of letting me stay in it.
Stars that I know
down south, where I live, These two lines could be said in a more interesting way.
will reverse in New York
and return again here.
A watchful eye
to Orion's sky;
the only thing I'll recognise.
I like the whole idea of being disoriented by a different sky, something that seems as firm as the ground under our feet.
 
And now,
like clockwork,
through time-zones I go: Tense issues here
I'll follow planes east,
and where the planes stop,
I'll follow east further
and wind back at home.
I like the around the world image but again, dig a little deeper for words that will grab me.

I hope you can improve the imagery without losing the tone of the poem and underlying emotions. Good luck with it, hope enjoy working on it.

[Emz]

Thank you all for your comments! I hope this revision is a step-up.

It probably could use another good ripping into. I played around with some punctuation and tried to add more creative ideas and express my initial thoughts.

Emma

[rayheinrich]

Thank you all for your comments! I hope this revision is a step-up.

It probably could use another good ripping into. I played around with some punctuation and tried to add more creative ideas and express my initial thoughts.

Emma

This revision is about 4 steps up. You've done some very specific wonders.
I can barely stay awake much less comment*, but I see you're in able hands.
I do sincerely intend to comment when I get home or sooner.  

Ray


*I went on an 11 mile hike through the Muir Woods north of San Francisco today.
More Trees
I'm lost in non-verbal space.

[billy]

Taking flight this feels like solid working title but that's just my view. overall it's an almost epic edit. it feels like you took a lot to heart but still kept your poem. [something that isn't easy to achieve]

In sundown Australia, is sundown a place or a time. if it's a time i'd suggest [at] if it's a place i'd go with [Sundown] i'd also go for[ over ] if it is a place. if not then [at sundown over Australia]
seen below, the plane is i'm finding so many ways this can work and it holds me up. where are you looking from?
a southern cross 
searching for a northern sky, i like these two lines as an image it set the darkness and adds a touch of wonder.
flashing signals
as it passes along:
red-white--red-white;
all corners of the 'craft --
and sometimes
the plane flashes
red-white-and-blue. 

Here, in long awaited sun rise, 
at the airport
where I nearly slept, does this and line above add anything to the poem
I'm now watchful to the east
for travel, and for this line perhaps could have a richer ending. a suggestion would be to pull up [opportunities] and lose [where] and add a period
opportunities where 
I may go beyond the
the Indian Ocean
to mighty Pacific seas. there is one pacific
watchful
to travel for something,
painful
the long haul, BUT
to leave and arrive
on the very same day. the last six lines weakens what came before it. and i'm not sure the repetition works well enough. make crossing the time lines and ending up in the same day have more depth

When the sun sets the same with this stanza what you say is clear but it carries to little weight
and I must go,
two days left behind where else would you leave them, [behind] is redundant. it feels a little weak. could something else be used instead of [left behind]
to international lines.
Across barren blue waste;
oceans double their size
perspective-wise 
on the way home.




------------Original--------------

Phases 

Lifestyle of day/night phases:
watchful to the east
until our sun sets
when I look to the west.
 
The plane to New York
follows east.
By the end of twenty-two hours,
I will have lost nothing,
not even a day.
 
When the plane travels
west again, I'll wonder where
two days have been.
 
A verse for starlight gazes.
Stars that I know
down south, where I live,
will reverse in New York
and return again here.
A watchful eye
to Orion's sky;
the only thing I'll recognise.
 
And now,
like clockwork,
through time-zones I go:
I'll follow planes east,
and where the planes stop,
I'll follow east further
and wind back at home.

[Achebe]

I am quite impressed. The revision is infinitely superior to the original. It's actually a pretty good poem now.
Some comments below again:

Taking flight

In sundown Australia,
seen below, the plane is
a southern cross 
searching for a northern sky,
flashing signals
as it passes along:
red-white--red-white;
all corners of the 'craft --
and sometimes
the plane flashes
red-white-and-blue. ...nice

Here, in long awaited sun rise, 
at the airport
where I nearly slept,
I'm now watchful to the east
for travel, and for 
opportunities where 
I may go beyond ...crossed out...too much prefacing
the Indian Ocean
to and the mighty Pacific seas. ...only issue for me here is geography....there is no flight that'll take you over the Indian Ocean and the Pacific....so might remove the former?
watchful
to travel for something,
painful
the long haul, BUT ...not sure why you had the italicised words...they didn't add anything to the poem for me.
to leave and arrive
on the very same day. 

When the sun sets
and I must go,
two days left behind
to international lines.
Across barren blue waste; ...an ocean is hardly barren, except in the minds of bad 18th century poets. sounds very copied and amateurish.
oceans double their size
perspective-wise 
on the way home. ...love this one. flying back home, you lose a day and it seems like it's taken double the time. also. smart.




------------Original--------------

Phases 

Lifestyle of day/night phases:
watchful to the east
until our sun sets
when I look to the west.
 
The plane to New York
follows east.
By the end of twenty-two hours,
I will have lost nothing,
not even a day.
 
When the plane travels
west again, I'll wonder where
two days have been.
 
A verse for starlight gazes.
Stars that I know
down south, where I live,
will reverse in New York
and return again here.
A watchful eye
to Orion's sky;
the only thing I'll recognise.
 
And now,
like clockwork,
through time-zones I go:
I'll follow planes east,
and where the planes stop,
I'll follow east further
and wind back at home.