Posts: 7
Threads: 1
Joined: Dec 2015
Across the bridge
forms blend; eyes hazed, numbed
minds, in circles they saunter.
Back upon themselves
glide shadows,
silhouettes dancing on
bleak cobbled stone.
Out of the club they
spilled, raucously giggling
- Taxi! they cried.
Eyes frosted bright on
hanging feet-fixated heads.
-Oh, what wonderful brogues!
Naturally darling, oxblood’s very ‘in’ this Winter.
-How utterly splendid.
Indeed.
Adamantine chains bind;
stark and stripped, myriads lie,
shapes crawl towards
nothing to darkness reach;
on all fours they
loiter with passive nonchalance.
Content are they, for the
mind can conjure a
Heaven of Hell- and
what light have they known?
Decisions loom,
futures hover with
impending regret.
What choices shall be made-
today and tomorrow,
as eternity beckons?
To revel in glorious apathy-
shall we watch a little Netflix
- or is a joint enough?
Cast away shackles, He beseeches,
see light in rare lucidity for
ethereal beauty so staggering.
Painful? Yes. But stunning,
nevertheless.
They awaken
in ones and twos
from blissful slumber,
standing before darkness
visible to embrace that last
inch of greatness and
horror
too long held captive-
Shocked, they flinch from
light so blinding as
flesh is singed by unruly flame; the
Beast appears as man
himself chastises,
cowering in mental confines to
the ranks of the
hoi polloi, in their
intoxicating naïvety and
compelling simplicity.
Original Post
The masses, He
Vociferates, laugh and jest,
Drink and be merry,
Breathtakingly ignorant,
Achingly blissful.
Across the bridge forms
Blend, eyes hazed, minds
Numbed, in circles they
Saunter, back upon themselves,
Glide the shadows, as
Silhouettes dance on
Bleak cobbled stone.
Adamantine chains bind;
Stark and stripped, myriads lie,
As prowls the Beast, all
Light extinguished,
Herding its prey.
Out of the club they
Spilt, raucously
Giggling- Taxi! they,
Cried, eyes dimly bright on
Hanging feet-fixated heads-
Oh- What wonderful brogues!
Naturally, oxblood is very ‘in’ this Winter.
How utterly splendid.
Indeed.
But… Gucci favour burgundy.
For how long now?
Better part of a month.
How mortified I am; there- a pair have been ordered.
How utterly splendid.
Indeed.
Shapes crawl towards nothing,
To darkness reach;
On fours they
Loiter with passive disregard.
Content are they, for the
Mind can conjure a
Heaven of Hell- and
What light have they known?
Decisions loom,
Futures hover with
Impending regret.
What choices shall be made-
Today and tomorrow,
as eternity beckons?
To revel in glorious apathy-
shall I watch a little Netflix
- or is a joint enough?
Cast away shackles, He beseeches,
See light, in rare lucidity, for
ethereal beauty so staggering.
Painful? Yes. But stunning,
Nevertheless.
They awaken,
In ones and twos,
From blissful slumber,
Standing, before the darkness
Visible, to embrace that last
Inch of greatness, and
Horror,
Too long held captive-
Shocked they flinch from
Light so blinding, as
Flesh is singed by unruly flame; the
Beast appears, as man
Himself chastises,
Cowering to mental confines,
And the ranks of the
Hoi polloi, in their
Intoxicating naïvety, and
Compelling simplicity.
Posts: 1,185
Threads: 250
Joined: Nov 2015
(12-27-2015, 11:47 PM)Schmitzhugen Wrote:
- The masses, He
- Vociferates, laugh and jest,
- Drink and be merry, drink and are merry?
- Breathtakingly ignorant,
- Achingly blissful.
- Across the bridge forms
- Blend, eyes hazed, minds
- Numbed, in circles they
- Saunter, back upon themselves,
- Glide the shadows, as why inversion?
- Silhouettes dance on
- Bleak cobbled stone.
- Adamantine chains bind;
- Stark and stripped, myriads lie,
- As prowls the Beast, all inversion, again, but this works better
- Light extinguished,
- Herding its prey.
- Out of the club they
- Spilt, raucously why not "spill" or "spilled?"
- Giggling- Taxi! they,
- Cried, eyes dimly bright on
- Hanging feet-fixated heads-
- Oh- What wonderful brogues!
- Naturally, oxblood is very ‘in’ this Winter.
- How utterly splendid.
- Indeed.
- But… Gucci favour burgundy.
- For how long now?
- Better part of a month.
- How mortified I am; there- a pair have been ordered.
- How utterly splendid.
- Indeed.
- Shapes crawl towards nothing,
- To darkness reach;
- On fours they
- Loiter with passive disregard.
- Content are they, for the why inversion here?
- Mind can conjure a
- Heaven of Hell- and
- What light have they known?
- Decisions loom,
- Futures hover with
- Impending regret.
- What choices shall be made-
- Today and tomorrow,
- as eternity beckons?
- To revel in glorious apathy-
- shall I watch a little Netflix
- - or is a joint enough?
- Cast away shackles, He beseeches,
- See light, in rare lucidity, for
- ethereal beauty so staggering.
- Painful? Yes. But stunning,
- Nevertheless.
- They awaken,
- In ones and twos,
- From blissful slumber,
- Standing, before the darkness
- Visible, to embrace that last
- Inch of greatness, and
- Horror,
- Too long held captive-
- Shocked they flinch from need comma after "shocked"
- Light so blinding, as
- Flesh is singed by unruly flame; the
- Beast appears, as man
- Himself chastises,
- Cowering to mental confines, "in" rather than "to?"
- And the ranks of the
- Hoi polloi, in their
- Intoxicating naïvety, and
- Compelling simplicity.
First off, a heads-up: This is my first attempt at critique for serious workshopping, so it may be either too lenient, too harsh, or simply inadquate. You have been warned!
My initial impression, partly from the writer's handle here on Pig Pen, is that he or she may be a native German speaker. I get this impression from word order in sentences (e.g. L10, L15, L37) where the conversational German verb-subject order is considered an inversion and archaic in English. L10 could be a continuation of L9, but then there should be no comma at the end of L9.
There are some problems in the first verse (LL1-5). Capitalizing "He" in L1 may be meant to show it's the end of a quoted phrase, but then just use quotes - as it is, "He," capitalized, indicates God is speaking. Or was that your intent? On the next line, "Vociferates" does resonate, rhythmically, but implies shouting or just noise. On L3, "Drink and be merry" doesn't agree, grammatically, with the prior line (should be "Drink and are merry," or the like. On LL4-5 the point of view is hard to fathom: if "He," why does He find them painful ("achingly")? That attitude or viewpoint is not carried through in the remainder of the poem - could be interesting if it were.
LL31-32 come across as ironic, where much else is neutral or sympathetic. Are they necessary? They also bring up another problem: starting with the first line (as noted above) there are a number of sequences which look like conversation but aren't punctuated as such. Some quotation marks would help the reader thread through them properly (for example, L31-32, each set off by its own set of quotes, could inform us that person A sneers "Splendid" while person B returns "Indeed," ironically.
A debatable point: LL69-70, you say "the hoi polloi" but "hoi polloi" translates as "the people" or "those people," I believe. So you could be saying "the the (sic) people " - but in English "hoi polloi" is often regarded as a monobloc concept like "unwashed" so saying "the hoi polloi" would only bother students of Greek... which I am not.
You might also consider italicizing "hoi Polloi" in L70, indicating it's a foreign phrase.
Overall: good images and flow. If there's a basic problem, it's consistency of tone. Do we have a God-Lucifer conversation here, as in the Book of Job? Does the speaker like hoi polloi or hold them in contempt? Does the speaker's attitude evolve, based on what he sees and describes? If not, and he's just tracking with closeups, what's his motivation?
Interesting read! Thank you; hope the comments (and those in bold above) are helpful.
 Non-practicing atheist
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
hi and welcome to the site.
does center align work better than left adjust? don't use so many commas. the first stanza is buried underneath them. the repetition in the poem adds too little and there are lots of parts that say the same thing. the gucci stanza seems out of character with the rest of the poem. i can see the poem in the words but it's a lot shorter and darker. the title makes me think of the masses but the poem feels like it's trying to show a darker more specific side of such.
(12-27-2015, 11:47 PM)Schmitzhugen Wrote: The masses, He not sure the enjambment gets the required effect here. would it be stronger if you moved vociferates up?
Vociferates, laugh and jest,
Drink and be merry, [to] be merry, or and [are] merry.
Breathtakingly ignorant,
Achingly blissful. would an [and] at the beginning add something to this line/stansa?
Across the bridge forms
Blend, eyes hazed, minds
Numbed, in circles they
Saunter, back upon themselves,
Glide the shadows, as
Silhouettes dance on
Bleak cobbled stone. for me you need a transitional word or two. normally i advise editing such words out but here the lack of such hinders the read. there feels to be to much going on and for me it stops me focusing on what's being said. which is a shame because i do get a sense of the atmosphere portrayed.
Adamantine chains bind;
Stark and stripped, myriads lie,
As prowls the Beast, all what is the connection to [as prowls the beast, all] and [lights extinguished]?
Light extinguished,
Herding its prey. needs a reworking. as is it's too far away from this reader to take seriously.
Out of the club they
Spilt, raucously a word suggestion would be [spilled]
Giggling- Taxi! they, the enjambment doesn't comprehend. hold the reader with an extended pauuse but give him something that makes him go "yes, i see what's being done here"
Cried, eyes dimly bright on
Hanging feet-fixated heads- same here and above, don't force enjambment let it find it's own pause. use it to add surprise or wonder
Oh- What wonderful brogues!
Naturally, oxblood is very ‘in’ this Winter.
How utterly splendid. this line goes perfectly with the line above. maybe use quotation marks for speech?
Indeed.
But… Gucci favour burgundy.
For how long now?
Better part of a month.
How mortified I am; there- a pair have been ordered.
How utterly splendid. the repetition fails to earn it's wages.
Indeed.
Shapes crawl towards nothing,
To darkness reach;
On fours they
Loiter with passive disregard.
Content are they, for the
Mind can conjure a
Heaven of Hell- and
What light have they known?
Decisions loom,
Futures hover with
Impending regret.
What choices shall be made-
Today and tomorrow,
as eternity beckons?
To revel in glorious apathy-
shall I watch a little Netflix
- or is a joint enough?
Cast away shackles, He beseeches,
See light, in rare lucidity, for
ethereal beauty so staggering.
Painful? Yes. But stunning,
Nevertheless.
They awaken,
In ones and twos,
From blissful slumber,
Standing, before the darkness
Visible, to embrace that last
Inch of greatness, and
Horror,
Too long held captive-
Shocked they flinch from
Light so blinding, as
Flesh is singed by unruly flame; the
Beast appears, as man
Himself chastises,
Cowering to mental confines,
And the ranks of the
Hoi polloi, in their
Intoxicating naïvety, and
Compelling simplicity.
Posts: 7
Threads: 1
Joined: Dec 2015
Many thanks to billy and dukealien for all of your comments- they are very much appreciated!
Dukealien, whilst I am in fact a native English speaker, your deduction was not far wrong as my handle has Germanic roots, and also over the past few months I've been engaged in an intensive course in the language- almost certainly the cause of the inversions. Rest assured your detective skills are admirable!
To respond to your enquiry about the capitalisation of 'He', I did so to signify the seeming omniscience of the character, allowing him to sit back and comment on the events he observes from a position of superiority. The capitalisation (hopefully) implies a distance between the character and the masses on whom he remarks, and thus also shows his character as being diametrically opposed to them. i.e. whilst they are shallow, superficial, purposeless but happy, he is complex, has depth, purpose, but is ultimately envious of them. Thus this reading of the poem (with the character being perhaps an upper-class aristocratic figure, is solely focussed upon the key message that perhaps ignorance truly is bliss. With knowledge does not necessarily come happiness, and a numbed existence is one without pain).
Also, the capitalisation may make the reader think the character to be God, which is an alternative (but not wrong) reading of the poem as being about the conflict between God and religion to give purpose and faith, and Lucifer (as the Beast) who restrains man but allows for him to be happy, indulging in hedonistic pleasures.
Regarding the tone and the character's attitude to the Hoi Polloi, I tried to convey a sense of both contempt and deep envy, particularly in the first stanza: they 'laugh', 'jest', 'drink', and are 'merry' but the use of 'achingly' in 'achingly blissful', attempts to imply that the happiness of the masses causes great pain to the speaker, who is envious of how happy they are despite being 'breathtakingly ignorant'. As the poem progresses, the speaker recognises that their happiness is not despite their ignorance, but rather due to it.
He wants the masses to become enlightened, like himself, recognising that the truth of the human condition might be 'Painful? Yes.' but as they begin to, in the final stanza, they are held back by: fear, their own psyche, and possible a Lucifer type figure, in the form of the Beast, and they once more retreat back into ignorance, finding reality too painful. So the speaker goes from envious and contemptuous to pity them at the end of the poetry, whilst also pitying himself for having to face the pain. His view on the condition of the masses (their superficiality, purposelessness, rootlessness) does not change throughout the poem- he hates them for it. But he becomes slightly more empathetic to their plight, but at the end once more finds himself envying their 'intoxicating naïvety and compelling simplicity', just as he did in the first stanza.
To conclude this rather convoluted point: the speaker is envious of the masses throughout the poem due to their ability to be happy, whilst still feeling contemptuous of their emptiness, mocking them in the fourth stanza (the Gucci one) for the emptiness of their relationships. He tries to enlighten them, but fails.
Billy, thanks for your comments on my use of commas, it has been duly noted. I've taken out the repetition and understand your point about many stanzas saying the same things. When you commented: ' needs a reworking. as is it's too far away from this reader to take seriously.' on the last line of the third stanza- 'Herding its prey'- did you mean that the line needed reworking or the entire stanza? And what did you mean by it being too far away to take seriously? Is it too metaphysical/not grounded enough in reality? Thanks a lot for your help.
Would really appreciate comments on the changes made- Billy, your comment about a darker, shorter poem hidden in the version I posted have been noted. The Gucci stanza has been stripped, but I couldn't bear removing it in its entirety because I feel it lends a certain humanity and realism to the rest of the poem, as well as articulating the superficiality of existence in a more subtle way. Thanks for taking the time folks 
Posts: 18
Threads: 4
Joined: Dec 2015
Dear Schmitzhugen,
This isn't a detailed critique, though I would just like to point out one thing.
The capitalisation at the beginning of each line is quite distracting (to me). I understand that some poets use capitalisation at the beginning of each line in traditional poems (usually metered, four lines per stanza type poetry), however, this poem is presented in a modern free-form type format. For this reason, I believe it isn't necessary to capitalise every line, and it causes a distraction.
Apart from that, the format is well presented and the poem reads quite well. And I learned a new phrase, "Hoi polloi".
I especially liked the 6th stanza
Emma
Posts: 7
Threads: 1
Joined: Dec 2015
(12-28-2015, 09:58 PM)Emz Wrote: Dear Schmitzhugen,
This isn't a detailed critique, though I would just like to point out one thing.
The capitalisation at the beginning of each line is quite distracting (to me). I understand that some poets use capitalisation at the beginning of each line in traditional poems (usually metered, four lines per stanza type poetry), however, this poem is presented in a modern free-form type format. For this reason, I believe it isn't necessary to capitalise every line, and it causes a distraction.
Apart from that, the format is well presented and the poem reads quite well. And I learned a new phrase, "Hoi polloi".
I especially liked the 6th stanza
Emma
Dear Emma,
Thanks a lot for your feedback, it's been duly noted and I think you're right- they are a distraction, and will be removed asap.
And thanks for your kind comments on the 6th stanza- I was worried it might feel out of place in the poem, and I was debating whether or not to exclude it.
Posts: 444
Threads: 285
Joined: Nov 2011
While my intentions to come back and offer a decent critique will probably pave
a bit more of my road to hell; I just had to note that I (as well) found the 6th stanza
interesting. It also provides a needed pause -- punctuation, if you will -- that compliments
the pacing of the rest of the poem.
Especially loved these lines:
"shall I watch a little Netflix
- or is a joint enough?"
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
(12-28-2015, 09:43 PM)Schmitzhugen Wrote: Billy, thanks for your comments on my use of commas, it has been duly noted. I've taken out the repetition and understand your point about many stanzas saying the same things. When you commented: 'needs a reworking. as is it's too far away from this reader to take seriously.' on the last line of the third stanza- 'Herding its prey'- did you mean that the line needed reworking or the entire stanza? And what did you mean by it being too far away to take seriously? Is it too metaphysical/not grounded enough in reality? Thanks a lot for your help.
Would really appreciate comments on the changes made- Billy, your comment about a darker, shorter poem hidden in the version I posted have been noted. The Gucci stanza has been stripped, but I couldn't bear removing it in its entirety because I feel it lends a certain humanity and realism to the rest of the poem, as well as articulating the superficiality of existence in a more subtle way. Thanks for taking the time folks
the stanza, though as i said "the poem for me needed a good haircut" the first word made me think of wolverine as did the third line of it. it just felt too much "dare i say" tripe >  <
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
12-29-2015, 08:29 AM
(This post was last modified: 12-29-2015, 08:31 AM by billy.)
just had a couple of of reads of the edit and it's a huge improvement. i also prefer the format.
the main problem for me are the line ends/enjambment and word use [those pesky small words that do to little. here's a breakdown of the first stanza.
Across the bridge forms would Forms be a better first word instead of the last word?
blend; eyes hazed, minds would numbed work better here?
numbed, in circles they saunter.
Back upon themselves
glide shadows, as [no need for [as]
silhouettes dance on this works, it make the reader pause and before they realize there's more, it adds tension; this is what enjambment should do you may have to say [dancing] if you lose [as]
bleak cobbled stone.
Breathtakingly ignorant why? of what? are these two line of musing really needed?
yet achingly blissful.
seems a lot but it isn't. and of course they're just suggestions for you to use/leave as you see fit. a further suggestion would be to go through the poem using a similar style of treatment. you've already made it twice as good as it was. there's still a few edits to go in order to make it a good poem. well done
Posts: 1,185
Threads: 250
Joined: Nov 2015
Much improved! Just a few remaining observations and suggestions.
L11 - "Dimly" doesn't quite fit here, IMHO. "Darkly" would give too much credit (for thought and menace) to the eyes' owners; perhaps "blankly," "flatly," or "frosted" to connote that they're not very reflective?
L14, 16 - Typographically, quotation marks at beginning and end of these lines should be double quotes rather than single, the single quotes around "in" are correct. Single quotes imply the speaker is quoting someone else; double quotes are the speaker's exact words.
L20 - I find this confusing, and read it as an inversion (of "to reach darkness"). Is the inversion necessary?
L21-22 - "[O]n fours they/loiter" suggests several things which could fit (on all fours, that is, hands and knees; in groups of four - a taxi-load; standing on corners, i.e. where four streets meet) but doesn't say any of those.
L40 - Every time I read this, I say "nonetheless" (assonance with "stunning"). My error, but perhaps a suggestion.
L54 - Repeating the critique of "to" here - "within" is how I interpret it (or just "in"), with "confines" a noun connoting something like a harness. If you mean something else, I'm not seeing it. If the verb were "Confined," "to" would be perfect, but that would double "confines."
Quote:3rd Edit
- Across the bridge
- forms blend; eyes hazed, numbed
- minds, in circles they saunter.
- Back upon themselves
- glide shadows,
- silhouettes dancing on
- bleak cobbled stone.
- Out of the club they
- spilled, raucously giggling
- -Taxi! they cried.
- Eyes dimly bright on
- hanging feet-fixated heads.
- “Oh- What wonderful brogues!”
- ‘Naturally, oxblood is very ‘in’ this Winter.’
- “How utterly splendid.”
- ‘Indeed.’
- Adamantine chains bind;
- stark and stripped, myriads lie,
- shapes crawl towards
- nothing to darkness reach;
- on fours they
- loiter with passive disregard.
- Content are they, for the
- mind can conjure a
- Heaven of Hell- and
- what light have they known?
- Decisions loom,
- futures hover with
- impending regret.
- What choices shall be made-
- today and tomorrow,
- as eternity beckons?
- To revel in glorious apathy-
- shall we watch a little Netflix
- - or is a joint enough?
- Cast away shackles, He beseeches,
- see light in rare lucidity for
- ethereal beauty so staggering.
- Painful? Yes. But stunning,
- nevertheless.
- They awaken
- in ones and twos
- from blissful slumber,
- standing before darkness
- visible to embrace that last
- inch of greatness and
- horror
- too long held captive-
- Shocked, they flinch from
- light so blinding as
- flesh is singed by unruly flame; the
- Beast appears as man
- himself chastises,
- cowering to mental confines and
- the ranks of the
- hoi polloi, in their
- intoxicating naïvety and
- compelling simplicity.
Non-practicing atheist
|
