Xmas Riddles, Jokes, Poems, Comments, etc.

[rayheinrich]

What do you call Santa when he has no money?

Saint Nicholas

What do Santa's reindeer get for Christmas?

Exercise

What's the difference between Santa Claus and God?

Only kids believe in Santa Claus.

[milo]

You come to a four way intersection and there is a postman, Santa Claus , the Easter bunny, and an honest politician - who has the right of way?

Stop browsing pigpen poetry in traffic and deliver my mail already!!

[rayheinrich]

You come to a four way intersection and there is a postman, Santa Claus , the Easter bunny, and an honest politician - who has the right of way?

The postman, as the rest don't exist in real life and are just hallucinations caused by the stress of trying to write villanelles.
Heads up: This is your brain on poetry; stop shirking and get a job.

[milo]

You come to a four way intersection and there is a postman, Santa Claus , the Easter bunny, and an honest politician - who has the right of way?

The postman, as the rest don't exist in real life and are just hallucinations caused by the stress of trying to write villanelles.
Heads up: This is your brain on poetry; stop shirking and get a job.

correct but you missed the second part that you have to be the post man as it is a 4 way stop which means you are sitting there alone browsing the pigpen instead of delivering the mail!!!

[rayheinrich]

You come to a four way intersection and there is a postman, Santa Claus , the Easter bunny, and an honest politician - who has the right of way?

The postman, as the rest don't exist in real life and are just hallucinations caused by the stress of trying to write villanelles.
Heads up: This is your brain on poetry; stop shirking and get a job.

correct but you missed the second part that you have to be the post man as it is a 4 way stop which means you are sitting there alone browsing the pigpen instead of delivering the mail!!!

        Touché.

[just mercedes]

Christmas Can Be Dangerous In The South East


The Upper Murrumbidgee Catchment Management Authority's
Ladies Auxiliary Social Committee, because of my connections,
appointed me to organise a Christmas party, so I asked the old folk
from the Nursing Home to join us for an all Australian barbecue
on the banks of the Snowy River, our National Icon.

After a bit of trouble with buses we set out from Cooma
towing a team of wheelchairs, gummy faces flapping in the wind,
false teeth tumbling onto the Snowy Mountains Highway,
roadkill dentata, quite Christo, as far as Berridale, where I had
a quick Resch's shandy or two while the driver hosed down
the wheelchair riders in the carpark at Peel's Inn. We left deaf
Irma Strubbing in the bar with a blind cowboy
and carried on to Jindabyne.

Where the Snowy River becomes a lake
we disembarked. A logging truck pulled in beside us
with a couple of wheelchairs embedded in the 'roo bar
and while we were scraping them free
a bloody huge tree (mountain ash, if I'm not mistaken)
rolled from the truck and took out half the Committee as it fell.
Oh well, a few less prawns on the barbie.

By then I was into my second bottle of Bundaberg
OverProof rum and feeling no pain
so when a contingent of aborigines arrived to complain
we were desecrating their sacred site, I really let them have it -
the bottle I mean. The afternoon passed fast and furious.

Madame President got off with the truckie,
first time in a decade she'd been so lucky,
while I explained that the site was sacred to us too,
being the burial place of so many of Europe's
displaced persons after the end of WW2. They were impressed,
and promised, when they win government, to erect
an appropriate memorial.

Plenty of room in the bus for the return journey,
strange miasma of urine and vomit and jolly Christmas songs.
Luckily they all forgot about it straight away.

Now I'm working on a design
for a monument to the lost and squashed old folk
and, of course, half of the members
of the Upper Murrumbidgee Catchment Management Authority's
Ladies Auxiliary Social Committee .

[ellajam]

Christmas Can Be Dangerous In The South East

especially at these two lines, though there are so many killer lines and images I'm looking forward to many reads.

false teeth tumbling onto the Snowy Mountains Highway

a bloody huge tree (mountain ash, if I'm not mistaken)
rolled from the truck and took out half the Committee as it fell.

[Achebe]

I like the idea of wheelchairs towed behind a bus - have you patented the idea as yet? A niart daor, they'd call it.
But it doesn't take that long from Cooma to Jindabyne - unless you're driving real slow....or towing a niart daor....me likey!!!!

[QDeathstar]

Twas the night before christmas...
Twas the night before christmas
and all through the house,
everyone felt shitty,
even the mouse.

Mom at the whorehouse,
dad smoking grass;
I'd just settle down
for a nice piece of ass.

Out on the lawn,
I heard such a clatter.
I sprung from my chair
to see what was the matter.

When out on the lawn,
I saw a big dick.
I knew in a minute,
it must be St. Nick.

He came down the chimney
like a bat out of hell.
I knew in a moment,
the fucker had fell.

He stuffed all our stockings
with pretzels and beer,
and a big rubber dick
for my brother the queer.

He rose up the chimney
with a thunderous fart.
that son of a bitch
blew my chimney apart.

He swore and he cursed
as he rode away,
piss on you all
and have a hell of a day

by unknown

[rayheinrich]

Christmas Can Be Dangerous In The South East


The Upper Murrumbidgee Catchment Management Authority's
Ladies Auxiliary Social Committee, because of my connections,
appointed me to organise a Christmas party, so I asked the old folk
from the Nursing Home to join us for an all Australian barbecue
on the banks of the Snowy River, our National Icon.

After a bit of trouble with buses we set out from Cooma
towing a team of wheelchairs, gummy faces flapping in the wind,
false teeth tumbling onto the Snowy Mountains Highway,
roadkill dentata, quite Christo, as far as Berridale, where I had
a quick Resch's shandy or two while the driver hosed down
the wheelchair riders  in the carpark at Peel's Inn. We left deaf
Irma Strubbing in the bar with a blind cowboy
and carried on to Jindabyne.

Where the Snowy River becomes a lake
we disembarked. A logging truck pulled in beside us
with a couple of wheelchairs embedded in the 'roo bar
and while we were scraping them free
a bloody huge tree (mountain ash, if I'm not mistaken)
rolled from the truck and took out half the Committee as it fell.
Oh well, a few less prawns on the barbie.

By then I was into my second bottle of Bundaberg
OverProof rum and feeling no pain
so when a contingent of aborigines arrived to complain
we were desecrating their sacred site, I really let them have it -
the bottle I mean. The afternoon passed fast and furious.

Madame President got off with the truckie,
first time in a decade she'd been so lucky,
while I explained that the site was sacred to us too,
being the burial place of so many of Europe's
displaced persons after the end of WW2. They were impressed,
and promised, when they win government, to erect
an appropriate memorial.

Plenty of room in the bus for the return journey,
strange miasma of urine and vomit and jolly Christmas songs.
Luckily they all forgot about it straight away.

Now I'm working on a design
for a monument to the lost and squashed old folk
and, of course, half of the members
of the Upper Murrumbidgee Catchment Management Authority's
Ladies Auxiliary Social Committee .

    Oh, jeez...  The breath of a mind that can coalesce these various vapors of our existence
    into such a poem as this!  "Boggle" is much too weak a word.

[Magpie]

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got for Christmas?

He felt his presence

[rayheinrich]

Authentic:

               

[rayheinrich]

        At the North Pole you cannot take a picture of an elf with a red shirt. Why not?

        Because you can't take a picture with a red shirt; you need to use a camera.

        What should you do if a reindeer eats your pencil?

        Use a pen.

        Why do christmas birds fly south for the winter?

        It is too far to walk.

        What do reindeer have that no other animals on earth have?

        Baby reindeer.

[Leanne]

The Elves,they were in such a state.
"Christmas Eve and Santa is late?!"
"He's been drinking again!"
Rudolf said with disdain.
"I told him the children won't wait."

Santa burst in and said "Just relax!
When my arse hits that sled we're on track.
Don't worry because,
Well...just ask Missus Claus.
How fast I can empty my sack."

[rayheinrich]

... How fast I can empty my sack."

    Truly obscene!

[Achebe]

The Elves,they were in such a state.
"Christmas Eve and Santa is late?!"
"He's been drinking again!"
Rudolf said with disdain.
"I told him the children won't wait."

Santa burst in and said "Just relax!
When my arse hits that sled we're on track.
Don't worry because,
Well...just ask Missus Claus.
How fast I can empty my sack."

missus claus must be 2,000 years old.
does santa cheat on her?

---

what do you want, for christmas, santa?
what do you want for that wonderful night?
hookers are haunting the streets of atlanta
hardly turned eighteen,  go get you a wife
for mrs claus is 2,000 years old.

they denounce you a cheater, unspeakably vile,
on the Gold coast they say you're a paedophile
the order's to shoot reindeer on sight -
so find you a brothel on christmas night.
for mrs claus is 2,000 years old.

[just mercedes]

A Christmas card for Simon



It’s that time of the year again.
I remember how you hated
the frenzy of tacky decorations,
Hallmark sentiments, angels,
boozy bonhomie, too much food,
the choosing and wrapping
and giving of gifts no one needed.
The waste.

You were excluded from family
invitations that year, from seeing children
called away; Don’t bother Uncle Simon, play
somewhere else. You decided
to have Christmas lunch with me.

You didn’t arrive ‘til late afternoon,
on the nod. No way could you eat.
I sat watching as you drifted in and out
of consciousness. I counted planes
through the skylight in the roof
while the day darkened
until finally I threw the food
to the back yard dogs
and went to bed.

I know you don’t want to be reminded
of all that, and I’m sorry to bring it up.
I know you’ll probably recognize
my writing on the envelope and throw this card
straight into the bin without reading it.

Anyway.

I just wanted to say
Merry Christmas.


I still miss you.

[Achebe]

:-(
Sweetest song / saddest thought

[rayheinrich]

[rayheinrich]

       

                                                    < home for the holidays >
                                                   
                                                      bad news oh mister
                                                      a shark ate my sister
                                                      the one
                                                      that you truly adored
                                                   
                                                      and my poor old mother
                                                      as well as my brother
                                                      it's sad
                                                      but at least i'm not bored
                                               
                                                                -  -  -