A Fool for Peace - Edit1

[dukealien]

A Fool for Peace

Edit1

Unsought, some cue for anger jostles you -
A slight, an insult makes your temper flare.
You growl and grumble, wrathful as a bear,
And plot revenge: she’ll pay, he’ll bleed, I’ll sue!

That monologue begins: no time to spare
For rest or reason.  Plans for sabotage
And murder swirl:  a bomb, poisoned potage,
Slashed tires, keyed paint, a windshield cracked for fair!

And then, amid this inner persiflage
Of vengeful schemes, your villain’s grin of glee
Turns sad and rueful, for you’ve come to see
How silly it all was, a fool’s mirage.

    Since laughing at yourself is true release
    From hurt and anger, be a fool for peace!


Original version

Surely this has happened once to you:
A slight, an insult makes your temper flare.
You growl and grumble, wrathful as a bear,
And plot revenge: they’ll pay, they’ll bleed, I’ll sue!

The monologue begins: no time to spare
For rest or reason.  Plans for sabotage
And murder brood: a bomb, poisoned potage,
Slashed tires, keyed paint, their car’s brakes fixed for fair!

And then, amid this inner arbitrage
Of vengeful schemes, your villain’s grin of glee
Turns sad and rueful, for you’ve come to see
How silly it all was, a fool’s mirage.

    The art of laughing at yourself’s release
    From hurt and anger: be a fool for peace!

[cidermaid]

Hi dukealien,  I'll leave a few comments for you.
Over-all I have to admit that I did not get that excited about this one but equally it bumbled along sweetly enough and delivered the message in a pleasant way.
I personally think cap on each new line dated and confuses the read by altered punctuation, so would suggest you loose this and clarify your punctuation.

A Fool for Peace     I liked the title.  sets up the text which then gets right down to delivering.


Surely this has happened once to you:  Not a fan of this as an opener.  It feels wordy without really hooking me in, think you could do a heavy cut on this line or even remove it altogether.
A slight, an insult makes your temper flare.
You growl and grumble, wrathful as a bear,
And plot revenge: they’ll pay, they’ll bleed, I’ll sue!  Try not to repeat words, esp on the same line.  Could just swap out the second they'll for an and.

So you have set out a rhyme scheme in this first stanza but then by the second stanza swapped it around. from the first two lines rhyming to the last two lines.  Not a big thing here, but it is noticeable.  Simple rhymes are fine but make sure they do not hijack or drive the poem just for the sake of a rhyme.

The monologue begins: no time to spare
For rest or reason.  Plans for sabotage
And murder brood: a bomb, poisoned potage,  And brood murder seems off here. (and spelling on pottage.  Perhaps murder broods; a bomb or poisoned pottage. 
Slashed tires, keyed paint, their car’s brakes fixed for fair!  Could trim their out of this line.

And then, amid this inner arbitrage 
like the use of arbitrage if it was just for the sound, but not sure you meant this usage here, but the number of times and is used is beginning to rack up and be noticed.  (see below).  How about diatribe (meaning forceful / bitter verbal attack  ...which is the word I think you meant)

Of vengeful schemes, your villain’s grin of glee
Turns sad and rueful, for you’ve come to see
How silly it all was, a fool’s mirage.

    The art of laughing at yourself’s release  no s on the end of yourself.  your own or you could put it   The art of laughing at yourself, released from hurt and anger; to be a fool for peace
    From hurt and anger: be a fool for peace!

Hope some of this helps.  AJ.

(noun
noun: arbitrage

1. 1.
   the simultaneous buying and selling of securities, currency, or commodities in different markets or in derivative forms in order to take advantage of differing prices for the same asset.
   "profitable arbitrage opportunities")
   
   

[dukealien]

@cidermaid -  Thank you very much for the read, and your diligent, helpful critique.

Your critique again makes me wonder if the sonnet (even, as in this case, modified and with a few nips and tucks) is appropriate for sociological or ethical issues (or mundane narratives).  Perhaps there's an unspoken rule that, as the haiku is supposed to contain a seasonal reference, the successful sonnet will contain at least a metaphorical reference to love and romance.

You're certainly correct about "brood," it's intransitive.  Should be "plot" or "scheme" or the like.

"Potage" is also wrong, but it's a little more subtle.  The English spelling does have two tees, but doesn't rhyme with "sabotage."  The French word (from which the English word is derived) has one tee and rhymes with "sabotage."  My error was in failing to italicize "potage" to show it's a foreign word.  [Didn't know any of that before researching it due to your critique - thanks again!]

And not to be defensive, but I did have some metaphorical variant of the dictionary meaning of "arbitrage" in mind - the plotter trading one idea of revenge for another that seems better again and again in his fevered mind.  Strained?  If it doesn't work for you, it's not working - but it will be the devil finding another rhyme for "sabotage" - corsage, anyone? 

"Yourself's" is meant to be a contraction of "yourself is," but, again, if it's unclear it needs to be made clearer.

In conclusion, I need to make many edits.  Your suggestions about deleting unnecessary words and lines will be harder to implement within the sonnet form, but filler is filler:  the syllables remain, but should advance the poem, not just occupy required spaces.

I'll hold back posting my edit for a time in hopes that (as has happened before) another critique will arrive dealing with the poem's sins against the sonnet form.  Then I can triangulate, implementing the best of both.

[cidermaid]

Sorry dukealien, I had not picked up on the sonnet form you were going for.  (too long out of practice with crit)   As it was in mild I had just focused on some of the more obvious things.  
This said note to self - do try not to offer crit when tired, noticed this morning I suggested that repeating words is not good and offered a substitute that was also a repeat word on the same line  
As a sonnet it is a bit messed up in the feet department on a couple of lines.
I'll leave this just as a comment for now and like you say see if someone else comes along to pick these details for you.
As to some of your other points, well thought out at your end, but sadly a word meaning is a word meaning and whilst, when writing an idea, it might translate, mostly I find that others are not able to read my mind...which is bloody irritating when I have a little plan and idea in my mind of what my poem is saying

[milo]

Seems more like fungibility than arbitrage.

[dukealien]

Edit1

Unsought, some cue for anger jostles you -
A slight, an insult makes your temper flare.
You growl and grumble, wrathful as a bear,
And plot revenge: she’ll pay, he’ll bleed, I’ll sue!

That monologue begins: no time to spare
For rest or reason.  Plans for sabotage
And murder swirl:  a bomb, poisoned potage,
Slashed tires, keyed paint, a windshield cracked for fair!

And then, amid this inner persiflage
Of vengeful schemes, your villain’s grin of glee
Turns sad and rueful, for you’ve come to see
How silly it all was, a fool’s mirage.

    Since laughing at yourself is true release
    From hurt and anger, be a fool for peace!

@cidermaid - Don't be sorry, if the poem doesn't work as a poem there's no consolation prize for "at least it fits the form."

I've tried to address each of your comments in the edit (above, and in the edited original post), including a prefixed half-foot to line 1 for conformity to meter.  I've stuck to the modified Spenserian rhyme scheme (ABBA BCCB CDDC EE) at least for this edit despite its somewhat crossword-puzzle nature.

All your comments are much appreciated!

@milo - Thanks for the read and comment!  I don't quite see fungibility there - the little plots aren't indistinguishable, the VPC is trying to decide among them for their particular virtues rather than seeing no difference, as between two measures of wheat.  But the point's well taken, and I have (with regret - it does sound well) given up arbitrage.  For some reason, "persiflage" popped into mind when considering this thread   .