Mommy, I didn't mean to cry

[QDeathstar]

Boom.




There's banging outside,
Because I cried, I cried!
Shriek.
There's screaming outside,
Oh! how they died, they died!

Crack.

There's madmen outside,
can we hide, mommy hide!

[gas]

This is a very interesting poem. I really like the use of onomatopoeia to create a disorientating sense of urgency; you create a world of noise, sound and fury, perfectly. However, might I suggest that the couplets in between,though are a little too melodramatic. They lack subtlety. Perhaps, try putting more meaning *beneath* the poem's surface, rather than giving it all up for free. The "oh" I feel is particularly OTT, but there is potential here.

[ellajam]

Hi, Q, I found this very effective, it brought to mind Nazis, IS and everything before, in between and probably after. The self-blame comes through clearly. Just one note below.

Boom.




There's banging outside,
Because I cried, I cried!
Shriek.
There's screaming outside,
Oh! how they died, they died! "how they died" rings false, I'd prefer something other than "how".

Crack.

There's madmen outside,
can we hide, mommy hide!

[skadragon]

Very effective. I think it could be a little more descriptive. Especially on the last two lines that end in 'outside'. We know that this stuff is happening outside and the repetition doesn't seem significant to me. "How they died' doesn't come off as something a child would say. I think it would be better with the spacing consistent:

Boom.

There's banging outside,
Because I cried, I cried!

Shriek.

There's screaming outside,
Oh! how they died, they died!

Crack.

There's madmen outside,
can we hide, mommy hide!

[DeakinDeakin]

Hi there thanks for sharing.  I particularly enjoyed the choice of language in this poem.  The spacing below Boom is confusing and seems an unnecessary distraction from an otherwise inventive scenario.  Best wishes Deakin

Boom.  Fantastic word.  Don't understand the spacing though

There's banging outside,
Because I cried, I cried!
Shriek.  
There's screaming outside,
Oh! how they died, they died!

Crack.  Also a good word. Boom and Crack anchor the verse very well

There's madmen outside,  This is a quality line.  Everyone needs madmen in their life.
can we hide, mommy hide!

[/quote]

[Achebe]

'there's madmen outside' sounds unconvincing at worst, ineffective at best. It deviates from the strict reporting of events of the previous lines, and is less chilling.
Suggest 'they're standing outside'

also somewhat rhymes with 'banging' in L1 - pleasing to the ear.

[QDeathstar]

interesting thoughts, ronsaik. My only thought (objection) is that it seems like removing madmen and instead using a pronoun might make the poem too abstract, with no subject clearly defined.

Perhaps a child might not get the concept of madmen, but maybe bad men would be a better choice... I'll have to think about it.

ellajam, thank for your thoughts aswell. I also agree with your thoughts about truly making this from a child's point of view. I want to keep the poem with easy syllables and clear words, so I'll have to think about might what work better.