The Gift Of The Empty Hand (edit #3)

[ellajam]

The Gift of the Empty Hand edit #3, all power to the Pen

You left without your things.

Eighty years of salvage
shelved beside Cayce, Twain and Eliot;
issues from the weekly deluge:
Archeology, Science, New Yorker,
each with one article that couldn't be tossed;
testaments the rest of us would never read.
That basement harbored transistor radios
and rescued vacuum cleaners ripe for repair,
Polaroid cameras tucked in striped boxes,
photos of our childhood, of yours.

When the ocean took it all, your grin appeared and whispered:
They're just things.

My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.


Earlier versions:

The Gift of the Empty Hand (edit #2)

You left without your things.

Eighty years of salvage shelved
beside Cayce, Twain and Eliot;
issues from the weekly deluge
of Archeology, New Yorker, Science
and annotated testaments
the rest of us would never read.
Closets harbor picnic baskets
and rescued vacuum cleaners;
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes;
photos of your youth, and ours.

When the ocean took it all
your grin appeared and whispered:
They're just things.

My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.

OR...

The Gift of the Empty Hand (edit #2.1)(Jacob)

You left without your things.

Eighty years of salvage shelved beside Cayce, Twain and Eliot; issues from the weekly deluge of Archeology, New Yorker, Science and annotated testaments the rest of us would never read. Closets harbor picnic baskets and rescued vacuum cleaners; Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes; photos of your youth, and ours.

When the ocean took it all
your grin appeared and whispered:
They're just things.

My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.

---

The Gift of the Empty Hand (edit #1)

You left without your things.

Eighty years of salvaged scraps sorted
and shelved alongside Twain, Cayce, Eliot;
illegible religious tomes and old issues
of Archeology, New Yorker and Science
each with one article you couldn't trash.
Closets stacked with antique picnic baskets
and almost working vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
stacks of photos you caught and that caught you.

When the ocean took it all you came,
I heard your grinning voice:
"It's just stuff."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.


The Gift of Loss (original)

You left without your things.

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse.
Bookshelves crammed:
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,
religious tomes in languages
the rest of us couldn't read;
favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject.
Closets stacked with picnic baskets
and fixable vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
photos of you, us, them.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.

[Tiger the Lion]

I like this. There's a certain freedom to starting at zero.

The Gift of Loss

You left without your things. I find it tricky isolating a first line. Works well here.

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse. A somewhat awkward sentence for me. Is it complete as is? I'm unsure about the continuity of tense. 
Bookshelves crammed:
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,
religious tomes in languages
the rest of us couldn't read;
favorite issues from the weekly deluge "deluge" nicely hints at the coming ocean
of magazines on every subject.
Closets stacked with picnic baskets nice hard c and k sounds in these 2 lines. Prickly sonics. 
and fixable vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
photos of you, us, them.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning, next 2 lines trip me a little. A shuffling of commas might help.
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today. Tight finish

Mostly enjoyed this one. Nits are just nits.
Paul

[ellajam]

I like this. There's a certain freedom to starting at zero.

The Gift of Loss

You left without your things. I find it tricky isolating a first line. Works well here.

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse. A somewhat awkward sentence for me. Is it complete as is? I'm unsure about the continuity of tense. 
Bookshelves crammed:
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,
religious tomes in languages
the rest of us couldn't read;
favorite issues from the weekly deluge "deluge" nicely hints at the coming ocean
of magazines on every subject.
Closets stacked with picnic baskets nice hard c and k sounds in these 2 lines. Prickly sonics. 
and fixable vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
photos of you, us, them.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning, next 2 lines trip me a little. A shuffling of commas might help.
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today. Tight finish

Mostly enjoyed this one. Nits are just nits.
Paul

Thanks, Tiger, I trip in the same places you do.

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse.

When I reread this it makes sense to me, "saving" is tricky, I like the activeness of saving, collecting, but I may have to change it to collections or something like that. Thanks for noticing.

I don't think just a comma change will fix

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."

Maybe a change in line breaks, or something better than reminding.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning;
I heard your voice: They're just things.

Maybe.

I so appreciate you taking the time to me to identify the weak spots and making me think about them.
I'm glad the rest worked for you, maybe just a few tweaks will do it.

[ThatsNotFennel]

The Gift of Loss

You left without your things. //Should this be the title? The current title sounds a little tired to me, and its tone doesn't match the piece.

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse. "ready for reuse" needs changing. Or to be removed entirely.
Bookshelves crammed:
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,
religious tomes in languages
the rest of us couldn't read;  Does "could never" sounds better here than "couldn't."
favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject. Is this line even necessary?
Closets stacked with picnic baskets Yes, agree with above poster about the nice hard sounds here
and fixable vacuum cleaners, I would ditch "fixable" for "repairable," but this is personal preference. The image is great.
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
photos of you, us, them. I would rework this line. The image is perfect but to end it with this wording seems fumbling.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today. I like this last stanza.

Overall, I think I like this poem. It rings a little cliche the way most undeniable truths ring cliche. There are a few things I would change - I highlighted the ones I thought would best fit the direction the poem takes.

Regards,
ThatsNotFennel

[just mercedes]

The Gift of Loss

You left without your things.

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse.
Bookshelves crammed:
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,
religious tomes in languages
the rest of us couldn't read;
favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject. Can you give a couple of names?
Closets stacked with picnic baskets Describe one?
and fixable vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes, I saw them
photos of you, us, them.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty, I LOVE this line
free to hold today.

Hi - this is lovely - just a couple of suggestions, a little more particulars. Left me with a sad warmth.

[Achebe]

The Gift of Loss

You left without your things.

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse.
Bookshelves crammed: 
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,
religious tomes in languages 
the rest of us couldn't read;
favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject.
Closets stacked with picnic baskets
and fixable vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
photos of you, us, them.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.

The list of things left behind is detailed vividly. The ending is bittersweet and explains the title well in the last two lines.
On the other hand, the poem doesn't have a lot of heart-stopping lines. For me, 'when the ocean came' was where it truly became a poem; the rest of it being prosey. Particularly prosey ones being:
1. 'Bookshelves crammed' 
2. 'religious tomes' - that sounds plain ugly besides.
3. 'magazines on every subject' - sounds like marketing hyperbole
4. 'photos of you, us, in them'

[QDeathstar]

mmy reaction was a bit different...

The Gift of Loss

You left without your things. powerful start, I was ready to be emoted here...

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse.
Bookshelves crammed:
Twain, Cayce, Eliot, i honestly feel like these are just name drops, I mean, what do they really add to the poem
religious tomes in languages
the rest of us couldn't read;
favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject.
Closets stacked with picnic baskets
and fixable vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
photos of you, us, them. so, basically a whole stanza on how she collects a lot of books, old vacuums, and some pictures destined to fade away (Polaroid film isn't stable). I am let down, I mean, the title and first line gave me a lot of emotion and this is just... bleh. I dont even think the fact that she lost it all below redeems the amount of time spent in this stanza.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty, im not sure about the word full, it's a small detail, but, full has perhaps a more positive connotation... I'm trying to imagine a better phrase but I just can't work it out... Also, reading this one stanza, I wanted to connect the first two lines in this stanza with the last two lines, and I can't... maybe you need a "now" before my arms, or isolate the last two lines somehow.
free to hold today.

some thoughts, thanks for the read.

---

edit:
I do like how your loss ties into her loss and how her ability to accept it allowed you to accept it, I think that is what makes this a poem worth reading. every suggestion I can think of for the second to last line muddies that connection too much...

[ellajam]

Well, thank you Pig Pen, you've really come through for this piece with what we do best, such varied responses that will make me think about every choice I've made. There's everything from tweak a bit to lose most of it. You give great crit.

The Gift of Loss

You left without your things. //Should this be the title? The current title sounds a little tired to me, and its tone doesn't match the piece.

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse. "ready for reuse" needs changing. Or to be removed entirely.
Bookshelves crammed:
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,
religious tomes in languages
the rest of us couldn't read;  Does "could never" sounds better here than "couldn't."
favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject. Is this line even necessary?
Closets stacked with picnic baskets Yes, agree with above poster about the nice hard sounds here
and fixable vacuum cleaners, I would ditch "fixable" for "repairable," but this is personal preference. The image is great.
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
photos of you, us, them. I would rework this line. The image is perfect but to end it with this wording seems fumbling.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today. I like this last stanza.

Overall, I think I like this poem. It rings a little cliche the way most undeniable truths ring cliche. There are a few things I would change - I highlighted the ones I thought would best fit the direction the poem takes.

Regards,
ThatsNotFennel

Welcome to the Pen! Thank you for using using one of your first three on this, a gift all the more precious because you haven't got one in return yet. I appreciate the thorough read and offering of suggestions. Also, fennel is pretty distinctive, you've got me wondering what it could be instead.

Great idea for the title, although the current one is as cliched as the rest of the piece. Maybe I can turn it otherwise, but it's true, I'm telling a common story.

"reuse" for me indicates that it is not collecting just for the sake of collecting. It is an important idea for this piece, I'll see if I can get it across in some better way.

Couldn't is a clunky word, I'll reconsider.

favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject.
 I guess I could lose "on every subject", or find a more interesting way to say say it.

Repairable may be better, I'll try it out, thanks.

I'll work on the photos line and see if I can come up with something better. I have details, I'll reconsider whether my choice not to use them here was sound.

Thank you so much for giving me so much to think about and again, very happy to have you here.

The Gift of Loss

You left without your things.

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse.
Bookshelves crammed:
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,
religious tomes in languages
the rest of us couldn't read;
favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject. Can you give a couple of names?
Closets stacked with picnic baskets Describe one?
and fixable vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes, I saw them
photos of you, us, them.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty, I LOVE this line
free to hold today.

Hi - this is lovely - just a couple of suggestions, a little more particulars. Left me with a sad warmth.

Thanks so much for the read, JM, it doesn't surprise me that you read it where I wrote it, great suggestions.

Cutting "of saving" means cutting "ready for reuse", leaving
Eighty years sorted and labeled.
maybe two birds with one stone and I'll find another way to express value.

Losing "on every subject" and maybe "closets stacked" might leave room for better detail. Thanks.

Yep, the line you love is the heart of it.  

mmy reaction was a bit different...

The Gift of Loss

You left without your things.   powerful start, I was ready to be emoted here...

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse.
Bookshelves crammed:
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,  i honestly feel like these are just name drops, I mean, what do they really add to the poem
religious tomes in languages
the rest of us couldn't read;
favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject.
Closets stacked with picnic baskets
and fixable vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
photos of you, us, them.  so, basically a whole stanza on how she collects a lot of books, old vacuums, and some pictures destined to fade away (Polaroid film isn't stable). I am let down, I mean, the title and first line gave me a lot of emotion and this is just... bleh. I dont even think the fact that she lost it all below redeems the amount of time spent in this stanza.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty, im not sure about the word full, it's a small detail, but, full has perhaps a more positive connotation...   I'm trying to imagine a better phrase but I just can't work it out... Also, reading this one stanza, I wanted to connect the first two lines in this stanza with the last two lines, and I can't... maybe you need a "now" before my arms, or isolate the last two lines somehow.
free to hold today.

some thoughts, thanks for the read.

---

edit:
I do like how your loss ties into her loss and how her ability to accept it allowed you to accept it, I think that is what makes this a poem worth reading.  every suggestion I can think of for the second to last line muddies that connection too much...

Thanks, Q, for taking the time with this,  a refreshing splash of cold water.

I was hoping the name dropping would do two things: Give a sense of the collector's eclectic favorites and a sense of the time span. Neither seems to have been accomplished for you, I'll think about whether or not I can say it more effectively.

Full is trying to explain the weight of empty. I was hoping that combined with the opening line it would be clear the collector is no longer alive except in the minds of people who know all these details and that, indeed, the details really don't matter. I can see I've missed my mark with you, I'll see what I can do to clarify.

Your view helps me so much, thanks for expressing it so clearly.

---

I just remembered a piece I did on the same subject:
http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-11891.html

Maybe I'll title it You Left Without Your Things, and add the last two lines from here and call it a day.

[rayheinrich]

I'm hopeless when it comes to critiquing you. There must be flaws, yes, ain't there in everything.
But your stuff blinds me to them. As I said, I'm hopeless, Ray

[ellajam]

The Gift of Loss

You left without your things.

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse.
Bookshelves crammed: 
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,
religious tomes in languages 
the rest of us couldn't read;
favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject.
Closets stacked with picnic baskets
and fixable vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
photos of you, us, them.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.

The list of things left behind is detailed vividly. The ending is bittersweet and explains the title well in the last two lines.
On the other hand, the poem doesn't have a lot of heart-stopping lines. For me, 'when the ocean came' was where it truly became a poem; the rest of it being prosey. Particularly prosey ones being:
1. 'Bookshelves crammed' 
2. 'religious tomes' - that sounds plain ugly besides.
3. 'magazines on every subject' - sounds like marketing hyperbole
4. 'photos of you, us, in them'

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment, Ron. Sadly, I'm starting to agree with you, not much poetry here, a bunch of run-on recollections, most of it can probably go.

There's something I like about religious tomes, they're so heavy and I don't mind using an ugly phrase for them, but I see your point.

I appreciate the way you defined your view so clearly, much appreciated.

I'm hopeless when it comes to critiquing you. There must be flaws, yes, ain't there in everything.
But your stuff blinds me to them. As I said, I'm hopeless, Ray

Thanks, Ray. Yanno, we shoot the arrow up and there are readers who it is most likely to hit. When it hits, the piece is taken as a whole and even what might rub the wrong way has its place that we accept.

The great value of these workshops is that we have such varied readers. The ones that don't just fall know exactly why and say so. For me they help me whittle a piece so that less people have much argument with it.

Take a look at the link in my last post, I think that one's better, though I'm going to give this one a try, it's NaPM, the roughest of drafts.

[aschueler]

I am still in the probationary new person period, and the FAQ clearly states that I shouldn't state for a poem "I like this", but heck with it.

This one won't count then.

I Like this.

Not sure if there are any changes that I could suggest;  perhaps after "Eliot" and the start of the next line "religious" there should be a sentence break, unless you meant for these writers to be akin to arcane religion, as it reads that seems to refer that way.  Maybe a semicolon would work.

Your poem is very touching and something that should be shared.

[ellajam]

I am still in the probationary new person period, and the FAQ clearly states that I shouldn't state for a poem "I like this", but heck with it.

This one won't count then.

I Like this.

Not sure if there are any changes that I could suggest;  perhaps after "Eliot" and the start of the next line "religious" there should be a sentence break, unless you meant for these writers to be akin to arcane religion, as it reads that seems to refer that way.  Maybe a semicolon would work.

Your poem is very touching and something that should be shared.

Hi, aschueler, welcome. It's fine to say you like something, you can even loooove it, we just ask that, in the workshops, members explain specifically why.

I've got an edit up, maybe you can let me know if you find it better or worse and why. Hopefully others will do the same, I'm not sure if it's changed enough to reach some of the posters it bored, but it's a start.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey Ella. For the most part, I like the edit better. I'll try to explain where and why.

The Gift of the Empty Hand (edit #1)

You left without your things.

Eighty years of salvaged scraps sorted better
and shelved alongside Twain, Cayce, Eliot;
illegible religious tomes and old issues
of Archeology, New Yorker and Science specifics add here - nice suggestion JM, well executed
each with one article you couldn't trash. "article" does double duty here- nice
Closets stacked with antique picnic baskets
and almost working vacuum cleaners, neither "fixable" or "almost working" are right - you'll figure it out
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
stacks of photos you caught and that caught you. liked the original better here. Maybe just me

When the ocean took it all you came, I feel like you're still struggling with these 2 lines. "grinning voice" is a no for me. You're too close to the finish line to trip here. The quote is in quotes-- do you need to tell us you heard the voice? 
EX. 
when the ocean took it all
you came to me grinning,
"......."

I heard your grinning voice:
"It's just stuff."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.

Lastly, I wonder if the new title somewhat counterfeits "my arms are full of empty" You already nailed that line. I'd be careful not to dilute it??

So far, so good. Still worth tweaking further.
Paul

The Gift of Loss (original)

You left without your things.

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse.
Bookshelves crammed:
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,
religious tomes in languages
the rest of us couldn't read;
favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject.
Closets stacked with picnic baskets
and fixable vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
photos of you, us, them.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.

[ellajam]

Hey Ella. For the most part, I like the edit better. I'll try to explain where and why.


[quote='ellajam' pid='200431' dateline='1448640292']
The Gift of the Empty Hand (edit #1)

You left without your things.

Eighty years of salvaged scraps sorted better
and shelved alongside Twain, Cayce, Eliot;
illegible religious tomes and old issues
of Archeology, New Yorker and Science specifics add here - nice suggestion JM, well executed
each with one article you couldn't trash. "article" does double duty here- nice
Closets stacked with antique picnic baskets
and almost working vacuum cleaners, neither "fixable" or "almost working" are right - you'll figure it out
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
stacks of photos you caught and that caught you. liked the original better here. Maybe just me

When the ocean took it all you came, I feel like you're still struggling with these 2 lines. "grinning voice" is a no for me. You're too close to the finish line to trip here. The quote is in quotes-- do you need to tell us you heard the voice? 
EX. 
when the ocean took it all
you came to me grinning,
"......."

I heard your grinning voice:
"It's just stuff."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.

Lastly, I wonder if the new title somewhat counterfeits "my arms are full of empty" You already nailed that line. I'd be careful not to dilute it??

So far, so good. Still worth tweaking further.
Paul

Thanks so much for coming back, Paul, and for your solid input. I like to do a rushing zigzag through edits (and titles) and having you to keep shaking it out with me really helps. Much appreciated.

[QDeathstar]

The Gift of the Empty Hand (edit #1) i think the original title was stronger

You left without your things.

Eighty years of salvaged scraps sorted-
saved- alongside Twain, Cayce, Eliot;
illegible religious tomes and old issues
of Archeology, New Yorker and Science
each with one article you couldn't trash.i like this line, doesn't really save the stanza but it makes if better
Closets stacked with antique picnic baskets
and almost working vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
stacks of photos you caught and that caught you. cheesy.

When the ocean stole it all you gave
your grinning voice: not quite enough syllables but you get the idea?
"It's just stuff."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.


The Gift of Loss (original)

You left without your things.

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse.
Bookshelves crammed:
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,
religious tomes in languages
the rest of us couldn't read;
favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject.
Closets stacked with picnic baskets
and fixable vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
photos of you, us, them.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.

[ellajam]

The Gift of the Empty Hand (edit #1) i think the original title was stronger

You left without your things.

Eighty years of salvaged scraps sorted-
saved- alongside Twain, Cayce, Eliot;
illegible religious tomes and old issues
of Archeology, New Yorker and Science
each with one article you couldn't trash.i like this line, doesn't really save the stanza but it makes if better
Closets stacked with antique picnic baskets
and almost working vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
stacks of photos you caught and that caught you. cheesy.

When the ocean stole it all you gave
your grinning voice: not quite enough syllables but you get the idea?
"It's just stuff."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.


The Gift of Loss (original)

You left without your things.

Eighty years of saving
sorted, labeled, ready for reuse.
Bookshelves crammed:
Twain, Cayce, Eliot,
religious tomes in languages
the rest of us couldn't read;
favorite issues from the weekly deluge
of magazines on every subject.
Closets stacked with picnic baskets
and fixable vacuum cleaners,
Polaroid cameras in their striped boxes,
photos of you, us, them.

When the ocean took it all you came, grinning,
reminding me "They're just things."
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.

Thanks for returning Q, maybe it's salvageable, we'll see, One step forward, two back. I'll take your comments into the next edit, very helpful.

[aschueler]

[quote='aschueler' pid='200503' dateline='1448724913']


Hi, aschueler, welcome. It's fine to say ypu like something, you can even loooove it, we just ask that, in the workshops, members explain specifically why.

I've got an edit up, maybe you can let me know if you find it better or worse and why. Hopefully others will do the same, I'm not sure if it's changed enough to reach some of the posters it bored, but it's a start.

That was generally tongue in cheek.  I sometimes bristle a little at rules.

What I liked most is the honesty with which you approach your theme.  I was able to feel this person and get a good idea of who he/she was.    

Two more thoughts, one is that we don't really get a lot of how you feel until the nice ending.  Perhaps it's on purpose, but maybe some more explicit feeling in the middle.

Next, I also thought the original line of Polaroid cameras ... Was better.

[ellajam]

[quote='aschueler' pid='200503' dateline='1448724913']


Hi, aschueler, welcome. It's fine to say ypu like something, you can even loooove it, we just ask that, in the workshops, members explain specifically why.

I've got an edit up, maybe you can let me know if you find it better or worse and why. Hopefully others will do the same, I'm not sure if it's changed enough to reach some of the posters it bored, but it's a start.

That was generally tongue in cheek.  I sometimes bristle a little at rules.

What I liked most is the honesty with which you approach your theme.  I was able to feel this person and get a good idea of who he/she was.    

Two more thoughts, one is that we don't really get a lot of how you feel until the nice ending.  Perhaps it's on purpose, but maybe some more explicit feeling in the middle.

Next, I also thought the original line of Polaroid cameras ... Was better.

A belated thanks for coming back, Asch, your comment has me thinking. The middle is purposely detached, the state I've found one needs to be in during a purge if one is to function at all. I fear it just comes across as stale and boring. Thinking...

I'm working on it again, thanks to all who came back, so far I've just got an end.  

When the ocean took it all
your grin appeared above my shoulder
and whispered: It's just stuff.
My arms are full of empty,
free to hold today.

I'll be back with a title and some more tweaks soon.

[Jacob]

First version was before I joined but reading both now I'd say that the edit is a major step forward, you managed to address most of the major issues without changing the core of the poem.
Title is miles better and I really like the standalone first line.
I don't know if this is some sort of heresy around here, but I wonder if this wouldn't work better as a composite prose poem piece, without the line divisions in the first (second?) stanza. As it is, the poem seems inconsistent, the first and second stanzas don't seem to match, which isn't necessarily a problem, but the effect might work better if you leaned into it more.
There's also a couple clumsy phrases, most of which other people have pointed out, "religious tomes," "photos you caught that caught you." The last line of the first stanza is probably the one place where I liked the original better, it's not perfect but it seems less awkward. If it was me I'd go for "photos of you and us and them."
I can't quite decide how I feel about the closing two lines. I really like the phrase "arms full of empty" but I think it could maybe be tweaked a little. I first read it as "free to hold you today," until I noticed I was inserting a word to fit the context. I don't have any concrete advice here, just that I'd consider playing around with the phrasing to see if you could find something that flows a little better.

[ellajam]

First version was before I joined but reading both now I'd say that the edit is a major step forward, you managed to address most of the major issues without changing the core of the poem.
Title is miles better and I really like the standalone first line.
I don't know if this is some sort of heresy around here, but I wonder if this wouldn't work better as a composite prose poem piece, without the line divisions in the first (second?) stanza. As it is, the poem seems inconsistent, the first and second stanzas don't seem to match, which isn't necessarily a problem, but the effect might work better if you leaned into it more.
There's also a couple clumsy phrases, most of which other people have pointed out, "religious tomes," "photos you caught that caught you." The last line of the first stanza is probably the one place where I liked the original better, it's not perfect but it seems less awkward. If it was me I'd go for "photos of you and us and them."
I can't quite decide how I feel about the closing two lines. I really like the phrase "arms full of empty" but I think it could maybe be tweaked a little. I first read it as "free to hold you today," until I noticed I was inserting a word to fit the context. I don't have any concrete advice here, just that I'd consider playing around with the phrasing to see if you could find something that flows a little better.

Thanks so much for reading and taking the time to comment, Jacob. I'm particularly interested in your prose poetry comment. I know nothing about it and most of the bits I've read I've been unimpressed with. I've read prose that was chock full of poetry, but I haven't yet seen the point of writing a sound paragraph or two and having it stand alone. This one may not have the makings of decent poem, I haven't given up yet, but if i'm unable to do that I'll probably just file it under weak.

If you know of any prose poetry you think is worthwhile I'd surely read it.

Again, your time and arrows to weak points are much appreciated.