"I walk too fast for this city"

[Proze]

First poem written in a LONG time. I know my stanzas and lines have inconsistent amounts of syllables at times. I don't know much about iambic pentameter.. maybe I should. But this is what flows naturally to me. 

Please let me know what you think about the style, flow, and meaning

I appreciate any feedback!
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I walk too fast for this city
There are too many places I have yet to see
Too many dreams I have yet to reach
There are too many people I have yet to meet

They say I walk too fast for this city
Like I’m running to catch a car that already left
Keep walking like that and you’ll be out of breath
You’ll get there first but there will be nothing left

Right? I think about it at times
When I slow my roll, when I fall off my grind
I think about why I do it and sometimes I blank
Sometimes I stare at the bottom of the glass I drank

Sometimes I’m lost, paused at a crossroads
Like where is my place in this life’s grand scheme?
And then I realize that the lies they’ve supplied me
Were all part of the script of somebody else’s dream

That may be why I walk too fast for this city
That may be why I push myself to the line
Because I know the clouds and the trees are too pretty,
If I stop and stare we’ll all be lost in time
Will all be lost in time?

[Leanne]

Not everything needs to be written in iambic pentameter

I like the concept of walking too fast for the city. I think this is best realised in the second stanza. The "stop and smell the roses" idea isn't new, but you have managed to bring some fresh perspective to it.

Does "I have yet to see" sound like natural speech to you? I'm not saying it's wrong, just that it's not how I can really imagine someone saying it. I'd be more likely to here "I'm yet to see" and "I'm yet to meet". In a poem that has a conversational tone, these parts stand out to me. (We're an international forum, with lots of different dialects and languages, so if you do say it like that, then that's how you write it and make no apologies!)

I suggest you rethink the blank/drank rhyme in the third stanza. For starters, you can't drink a glass, so that absurdity stands out to me and draws my attention to the fact that these lines are letting the rhymes drive them, and that's usually a sign that they're an afterthought (or a "shit, what am I going to put here to fill out the stanza so I can hurry on to the next one" thought).

"grand" mucks up your rhythm in the fourth stanza. You could lose it and it wouldn't hurt at all -- plus, it would reduce the tendency toward cliche. You could also drop "because" in the last stanza.

There are good bones here. For future edits, beware of letting the rhymes rule -- a good rhyme should slip in unnoticed to stitch a poem together.

[fluorescent.43]

i like this! i really do. it's interesting, and i think you've built a good structure. however you're right about the syllables and rhythm being off; if you read it, and maybe it sounds 'right' to you, but it sounds very awkward in certain places.

i suggest using contractions when you can; 'I have' to 'I've' and 'there will' to 'there'll'. running to catch a car, in the second stanza, doesn't make sense to me: who catches a car? you can catch a taxi, but not a car. maybe a bus? plane? not a car. that's a nitpick for me. also, in the first stanza, i'd add a bit of punctuation at the end of the lines to give a bit of punch and rhythm.

the third stanza starts off awkwardly with the question: i think you'd be better off without it. also, what do you do? how do you fall of a grind? to me it sounds like a sport. the whole stanza is too vague to form a clear idea.

the rest of this poem is a bit boring to me- walking too fast for a city is visually the most interesting idea of the poem, and you need to elaborate on that with more interesting language. 'clouds and trees are too pretty', for instance, does nothing to stimulate the brain.

anyways, i think it'd be a good idea to pare some of the lines down. a little bit of this and that and i think you'd have a very nice poem! good luck if you intend to edit.

43.