In The Rut

[Cousin Kil]

IN THE RUT

We looked in rose-colored mirrors and saw divining rods.
Now though, that glass gone grain,
I only see sand.

I see we are some dead river, bed without water,
where coyotes sniff clay with no scent,
and smoke trees pretend at smoldering.

We are where a desperate buck bends
in irreverent rut,
and nothing more, save a map for tumbleweeds.

[dukealien]

IN THE RUT

We looked in rose-colored mirrors and saw divining rods.
Now though, that glass gone grain,
I only see sand.

I see we are some dead river, the bed without water,
where coyotes sniff clay with no scent
and smoke trees pretend at smoldering.

We are where a desperate buck bends
in irreverent rut,
and nothing more, save a map for tumbleweeds.

I get a story of expected/expectant love gone dry, perhaps through routine (though this is not completely clear).

Images and word-art are arresting, particularly symbols and alliteration/assonance.

The divining rod (I see the old version, a limber Y-shaped stick) is a rich symbol.  To not only find underground water, but its shape suggests a sketch of the lower pelvis, front or back, gender indeterminate.  Key or foreshadow to the more overt sexuality in the third stanza.

Word-art is lovely - l.6, "smoke trees pretend at smoldering," and in l.5 as well.   This poem is a treat to read aloud.

Constructive criticism/suggestions:  In l.2, "glass gone grain" rolls on the tongue but I can't quite make sense of it.  Dismissing the idea of grain (cereal) leaves grain (wood) but still seems to require an adjective.  "[G]rainy" fits that sense but not the rhythm and seems to trivialize.  "[G]rained" fits the rhythm and sense there, and removes the reader's confusion in trying to make an adjective from a noun.

In l.4, "the bed without water" seems to break unnecessarily at "the."  Removing "the" preserves the sense to roll on into the next line, as well as placing "river" and "bed" next to each other, and the internal rhyme "dead" and "bed" closer as well.

In the last line, removing "save" doesn't seriously affect the sense ("save" for "except" is a little archaic, anyway) and regularizes the rhythm.  Though, perhaps, you don't mean it to be regular there.

Punctuation:  There should be commas after "Now" (l.2), and at the end of l.5 (to avoid the coyotes smoking trees).

Overall:  Good poem of frustration, disappointment, and desolation in love; tragedy of absent physical response.

[Cousin Kil]

Hey dukealien

I appreciate the critique man! Happy to find that someone found my imagery and word choices to be rich, as well as notice the symbolism.

As far as suggestions go, I'll explain the first one a little. "Glass gone grain" is to describe the weathering down of glass- the "rose-colored mirrors"- into grains of sand, rather than the other senses of "grain" that came to mind for you.
I'm gonna wait and see if this trips up more than one person before I decide to act on it, though I understand where you're coming from.

Agree about "the bed without water". Made the change.

As far as "save" goes, i personally like the sonic value of it and wanted the resulting rhythm.

Will make the appropriate punctuation changes.

All in all, I really appreciate the critique and can't wait to hear more from others. I enjoyed writing it so I'm glad you enjoyed the read.

Thanks,
Cousin

[ThatsNotFennel]

IN THE RUT

We looked in rose-colored mirrors and saw divining rods.
Now though, that glass gone grain,
I only see sand.

I see we are some dead river, bed without water,
where coyotes sniff clay with no scent,
and smoke trees pretend at smoldering.

We are where a desperate buck bends
in irreverent rut,
and nothing more, save a map for tumbleweeds.

Easily one of the best poems I've read in awhile. Each stanza works independently and I think could stand alone - a quality I greatly appreciate in poetry. I would think about isolating the ending "save a map for tumbleweeds" - that thought is too good to stand with anything else. After my initial read I thought the first two stanzas should be swapped but after a couple more readings I'm not completely sure now. Might be something to play around with.

I don't have any big issues with the wording or structure - I actually just really like this poem.

Thanks,
ThatsNotFennel

[QDeathstar]

IN THE RUT

We looked in rose-colored mirrors and saw divining rods.
Now though, that glass gone grain,
I only see sand.

I see we are some dead river, bed without water,
where coyotes sniff clay with no scent,
and smoke trees pretend at smoldering.

We are where a desperate buck bends
in irreverent rut,
and nothing more, save a map for tumbleweeds.

on paper, this poem is OK, with a few awkward phrasing and a lot of interesting images of decay. However, I think this poem would benifits greatly from being spoken, as the inflection at key moments could elevate the work.

I just imagine a New Orleans Jazz man speaking this out and it becomes almost real.

[Achebe]

IN THE RUT

We looked in rose-colored mirrors and saw divining rods.  
Now though, that glass gone grain,
I only see sand. --- L1 and L2 are interesting, but there's a logic melt here. Divining rods are meant to help find water beneath the surface - often, of a dry riverbed. Your surprise at finding yourself in a dry riverbed is a surprise to me.

I see we are some dead river, bed without water, ---- a dead river bed will be without water, surely.
where coyotes sniff clay with no scent, ----- what is this supposed to mean? dry clay has no scent, fine. Are you still saying that the dead river has no water and is therefore dry? Clay is actually good. It means that there has been surface water in the past, and may be found underground, if you have your divining rods with you.
and smoke trees pretend at smoldering. ----- It escapes me as to why they would pretend to do so.

We are where a desperate buck bends I am not an expert on zoology, but I wouldn't associate the dry with the mating season. Does the buck personify your frustration? the vagueness is irritating.
in irreverent rut, ---- why irreverent? who's the reverence being withheld from?
and nothing more, save a map for tumbleweeds. -----the poem has ended, and I have no idea what I just read.

I couldn't make sense of this poem. It starts off passably, but  soon disintegrates into a pile of vague images from National Geographic TV shows.

EDIT: what the river bed and the search for water are supposed to symbolise is of secondary importance. If the metaphor does not make literal sense, its symbolic meaning is of lesser concern.

[aschueler]

I actually liked the imagery, as it all kind of ties itself back together when taken as a whole.

I myself particularly liked the coyotes sniffing clay.  

On this line which I see you edited from                                                       To


  I see we are some dead river, the bed without water,                                                     I see we are some dead river, bed without water,


Which I totally agree is a good change.  However, it still interrupts the flow, the "bed without water" phrase feels like a participle phrase which doesn't really belong there.  However, should you consider dropping the comma ... it's still weird, so I would consider dropping both the word bed and the comma, making "I see we are some dead river without water" which then implies a river bed to bring up the dead clay.

And I can't apparently get the fonts to work.  Sorry about that.

Last thought:  would using the word "grainy" mess it up too much?