Day and Night

[Weeded]

Day

light.
Golden gleams,
Women polite
to children's screams.
Noisy buzzing--
busy-bee's honey-
coating nests--
prep for rest.

Night

lights.
Tires screech
from sirens bright.
Peace we breach
with what they call a piece.
Mark of the beast
inside the minds 
of owl's blind.

Day

light.
Glowing rays
meet the quite
quiet man's gaze.
"The yellow isn't yellow,"
in his mind is what bellows.
So he closes his eyes
to meet the
Night's
lights.
To each his own,
be it fight or plight
or flight or flown,
past tense if you're past tense
senses or apprehense.
Embrace dark's embrace
in place of light's emplace.

[Achebe]

Day

light.
Golden gleams,----- since the sentence here is unrelated to the one below, best to end it on a full stop.
Women polite
to children's screams.
Noisy buzzing--
busy-bee's honey-
coating nests--
prep for rest.

Night

lights.
Tires screech
from sirens bright. ---- police LED lights can be bright and flashing, their sirens are only heard.
Peace we breach --- you can't randomly invert normal word order only for this line, just to make it rhyme with 'screech'
with what they call a piece.
Mark of the beast ----- I don't see a connection b/w 666, and the minds of owls. 
inside the minds 
of owl's blind. ----unintended apostrophe?

Day

light.
Glowing rays
meet the quite
quiet man's gaze. ----- the quite quiet man? That stopped being novel at 11
"The yellow isn't yellow,"
in his mind is what bellows.---- the forced rhyme cries out for mercy
So he closes his eyes
to meet the
Night's
lights.
To each his own,
be it fight or plight - it's all downhill from here on. Flight or plight is like "meat pie or constantly" - you can't sacrifice sense and logic at the altar of forced rhyme.

or flight or flown,
past tense if you're past tense
senses or apprehense.
Embrace dark's embrace
in place of light's emplace.

Overall, you need to stop trying desperately to rhyme and first figure out the central idea of of your poem. It can't be just to contrast day and night, because it's a waste of my time to read that day is about light and night about lights. It could be to point out that some people prefer one over the other, in which case you can't talk about just the one man whose mind bellows in S3 and extrapolate from that.
Once the central idea has been fleshed out in a storyboard, you can think about imagery and sonics and start writing the poem.

[Weeded]

Ronsaik,

Thanks for the crit. We probably come from different walks of life, which is why you're unable to extract any meaning from this. Or perhaps I failed to effectively convey what I intended to. Anyway,

I see what you mean at "sirens bright."
Is there some sort of rule saying I cant invert word order?
The line I put fight/plight(intending plight to be a synonym to a man's "struggle," perhaps this is wrong word usage)

Again, perhaps I should focus more on the man I introduced in S3 to provide a better sense of intention, I'm not sure what a 'storyboard' is but it sounds like you take a rather formulative, logical approach to your writing. I dont thanks again for the crit.

[dukealien]

1. Day
   
   
2. light.
   
3. Golden gleams,
   
4. Women polite
   
5. to children's screams.
   
6. Noisy buzzing--
   
7. busy-bee's honey-
   
8. coating nests--
   
9. prep for rest.
   
   
10. Night
    
    
11. lights.
    
12. Tires screech
    
13. from sirens bright.
    
14. Peace we breach
    
15. with what they call a piece.
    
16. Mark of the beast
    
17. inside the minds 
    
18. of owl's blind.
    
    
19. Day
    
    
20. light.
    
21. Glowing rays
    
22. meet the quite
    
23. quiet man's gaze.
    
24. "The yellow isn't yellow,"
    
25. in his mind is what bellows.
    
26. So he closes his eyes
    
27. to meet the
    
28. Night's
    
29. lights.
    
30. To each his own,
    
31. be it fight or plight
    
32. or flight or flown,
    
33. past tense if you're past tense
    
34. senses or apprehense.
    
35. Embrace dark's embrace
    
36. in place of light's emplace.
    

May not be up to critique of this type of poetry (rap?) but will give it my best shot.

Admirable parts:  nice enjambments, for example lines 4-5 twist from line to line.

Also admirable:  turning what would otherwise be cliches into meaningful statements (l.7 busy-bee's, l.12 Tires screech, l.30 To each his own).  The last remains somewhat cliched even though it leads into the scintillating riff (ll. 30-33) on "fight or flight."  Suggestion:  perhaps "To each his own" could be slightly re-worded, similar to "flight or plight" so it would look like and recall the cliche on first glance, but surprise on second.

Very fine:  l.33.  Wow!  And the subtlety of ll. 35-36:  reverse the end-rhyme words and it still makes sense - in fact, more sense, strictly speaking.  But with the actual reverse, you still get the sense of the other but with the added jolt of disorder.

Did I get that right:  Line 29, "The yellow isn't yellow," is the viewpoint (shooter) thinking about how he had to prove "this mixed-race isn't a coward."  A lot packed in there, regardless.

Weaknesses: l.12-13, "Tires screech/from sirens bright."  I think I get the viewpoint character (or someone) burning rubber getting away from five-oh, but "sirens bright" is a big leap between sound and sight.  Too far?  It may be brilliant, but I trip over it.  Just a thought.

Line 14, "Peace we breach," is technically good, rearranging the legal term "breach of (the) peace," but that makes it an inversion, somewhat stagey and fussy for the desperate tone of the poem.  Have a small itch to make it "We breach peace," two accented syllables piling on emphasis and also eliminating the inversion.  Your call.

Line 18, I don't get "owl's blind."  Is it an inversion or contraction (of "owl's blindness")?  I get the message and image, maybe that's enough.

And finally, having admired the super-twist of the last two lines, "emplace" as the final word throws me, just in itself.  Another slightly fussy, technical term (military:  sett up a crew-served weapon in an improved permanent or semi-permanent position) which works based on its loose definition (go somewhere and get ready there with a gun) but goes flat from the exact meaning for those who know it.  Maybe they're not your audience; it will be hard to do anything else as good with that last couplet.

Concluding disclaimer:  I'm not a rap fan, but can hear this recited over a sinister droning bass, fast changeup delivery with percussion.  In that presentation, "emplace" could be a weakness because it will be left hanging in the air at the end.  And for some reason, I hear a rapper say "close his eyes" rather than "closes" at l. 26.

Overall:  Grows on you; urban experience.  A little hotter than cool.

[Weeded]

Duke,

Thanks for the crit, I started rapping before writing poetry so there's alot of changes I'm still trying to make when writing a poem, but I guess it still comes off as rap lol but,

I agree with you editing L30-33.

For L24, you're not far off! I'm not sure how race came into play for you but I intended to reference 'yellow' to daylights 'golden gleams' and 'glowing rays' and tie it together the the 'nightlights' of police cars, gunfire, and so forth.

Yeah I'm still debating whether to rewrite 'sirens bright.' it doesnt make sense logically speaking, but im sure the reader gets what im saying. Idk maybe another opinion will clear things up.

I originally wanted to do "Breach of peace" but I've been told ending two lines with homophones comes off as weak. Not sure what to do here hm..

L18 is first meant to allude to the 'night-owl' term, and how most humans that are active at night are on the side of Satan, which finally leaves them blind(like an owl) to the beauty of day's light.

The militaristic application of emplace was intentional, however might've been lost in translation. Most men of the night are doing things similar to grunts; breaching peace. Maybe a rewrite would do well here too.

Thanks again for the crit! ill keep in mind your ideas for musical elements they sound pretty good actually

[Badatpoetry101]

Day 1

light. 2
Golden gleams, 3
Women polite 4
to children's screams. 5
Noisy buzzing-- 6
busy-bee's honey- 7
coating nests-- 8
prep for rest. 9

Night

lights.
Tires screech
from sirens bright.
Peace we breach
with what they call a piece.
Mark of the beast
inside the minds 
of owl's blind.

Day

light.
Glowing rays
meet the quite
quiet man's gaze.
"The yellow isn't yellow,"
in his mind is what bellows.
So he closes his eyes
to meet the
Night's
lights.
To each his own,
be it fight or plight
or flight or flown,
past tense if you're past tense
senses or apprehense.
Embrace dark's embrace
in place of light's emplace.

Hello, I will do my best.

The title "Day and Night," that might be referencing extreme changes, or balance like yin and yang. Maybe even life and death, or a cycle of some sort. I suppose I'll see if any reference to these are made or I will discover what is being referenced in the poem. Let's start!

Firstly I would say maybe do not indicate whether it is day or night before the stanza? If the reader cannot realize it from reading then something is wrong. As the word "Day" has become part of the poem, but consider how does it add to the poem as opposed to merely being an indicator that just points in a direction? Is it necessary to point in that direction? Why limit the poem like that?

Reading the first stanza I assume the sun is providing the light and those are the golden gleams. I am gonna take it a step further and say maybe this is what the author is seeing, hearing, or observing? Because stanza 1 lines 4-5 is a normally a universal truth, but also something seen often. What follows (6-7) could mean that the child was stung by a bee; it would be my first guess. As for "coating nests" line 8 I am not sure. It isn't very clear.

Reading through the poem; in a similar fashion to the first stanza line 8. I do not have the slightest as to why they are their or how they add to the poem itself. I am not entirely unfamiliar with wanting sounds to register first. Like the kids rhyme the kookaburra song where the bird calls and you can hear it (if you've heard it before). I do not think you should have gone away from that like "tires screech" and then you abandon it the sounds and start philosophizing? It was very apparent and very awkward to me. And the tautology(?) at the end of stanza 3 was very head scratching.

I don't think your ideas of day and night reached me. I did see a shift, but I disliked how it was presented. And I don't think that that was what you were going for. I suggest looking at the poem "The universe" by May Swenson. I think that might have been what you were going for? I may be totally wrong though. My other suggestion is to be as consistent as possible, and also don't be afraid to go even more abstract. Don't force rhymes if they aren't their don't make them be their. It's perfectly fine y'know. They'll happen when they happen and if they don't just skip that part and come back to it. That's what I do lol.