Foam Walls

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

Between creamy silences,
there lives a hungry nothing in my brain.
It's strange, really,
that these lonely white walls don't
sing.

[Tiger the Lion]

I like "creamy silences". I think you could crop a few words to make this a little tighter though.


Between creamy silences,
there lives a hungry nothing in my brain.  not sure about "nothing" - void maybe?
It's strange, really,
that these lonely white walls don't
sing.

Hope that's helpful,
Paul

[Cousin Kil]

No idea what this one is about, but I still really like it

I disagree with Tiger about "nothing". I like it as opposed to "void" or another choice, but that being said, exploring your options is always good.

Also really like the line break for the last line.

I don't have much more to say, but I'll definitely be coming back to re-read and wrap my head around your poem. Regardless of my lack of understanding of it, your language is still pleasing as hell.

Thanks for the read,
Cuz

[thepoorfortune]

I think it was cool of Tiger to suggest trimming it. Poetry is really condensed, and there are some things here that would make sense verbally, but not in prose. Personally "nothing" (given its proximity to "hungry") creates a mouthy pair for such a petite poem (if that makes sense). Otherwise, five Stars on your word choice! I really like the unconventional nouns and adjectives. There's some strange resonance with "brain" and "sing" that I cannot put my finger on. Great work, man!

[Minu]

Between creamy silences,  - what are creamy silences? Thick, long, dark, shallow, dull, etc.; these are all words applied to silences. Creamy brings to mind a soup and a creamy soup is a  thick soup. Use the word thick. Creamy is just obtuse.
there lives a hungry nothing in my brain. - again what is a hungry nothing. It is either hungry or it is nothing. It can't be both.
It's strange, really,
that these lonely white walls don't - remove lonely, unneeded
sing.

I've never been a real fan of these poems without rhyme, they are always a little disjointed. Yours needs clarification as the first two sentences have your readers stumbling over their own two feet trying to figure out what you are going on about. Poems can be vague but they generally have some direction to their vagueness.

[DeakinDeakin]

Hi there I enjoyed your poem and wanted to offer a few comments:
 
Like the other reviewers the expression 'creamy silences' piques my interest even if I have little idea to what it pertains
 
'Lonely white walls' is an evocative phrase.  However stating' It's strange, really' seems a bit unimaginative
 
I understand that the poem is intended to be short however it does feel like it could be further developed with additional verse
 
Best wishes Deakin

[RiverNotch]

Between creamy silences, Something visceral about this line. "Cream" is from milk, and milk always talks about something, well, warm, lively, sensuous, in all the senses of those words -- at the same time, it very nicely conveys, at least to me, the image of the brain, where the "Betweens" are both the sulci and gyri. Strong entrance!

there lives a hungry nothing in my brain. Yes, "nothing" doesn't feel like the right word, but I don't think "void" is, either: the length is a complement to the whole poem's brevity. I don't know what you should replace it with, though: maybe leave it as the poem's one (empty) imperfection? But why am I so obsessed with perfection?
It's strange, really, 
that these lonely white walls don't Keep the really: it gives that middle a sense of the conversational that this poem would be too, er, bothersome without. Also keep the "that": I don't think this would live with sudden breaks. I'm not sure about either "lonely" or "white", though: their combination feels a bit redundant, especially with "creamy" and "nothing" preceding. Remove one.
sing. Now I'm reading this as a bit on art, or rather, on being incapable of keeping to art. Nice end. The title feels a bit weak though, now that I think about it: it's a good-enough label, but I think this poem needs something more than that, something (sneakily) eye-opening.

[billy]

i loved the thing. all that's missing is a canvass straitjacket.

if you use brevity make it as tight as possible. though that said. would one do such a thing in a secure room such as this.
i have no idea why but i thought the opening line excellent. i know. it has a feeling of ooze anyway. apart from the brevity i can't say much other than i like it.

[Achebe]

Between creamy silences,
there lives a hungry nothing in my brain.
It's strange, really,
that these lonely white walls don't
sing.

I enjoyed reading this piece.
The first line is a delight. After that, I wouldn't suggest trimming - the "there" gives a nice extra syllable to L2 (just "sounds" better in my ear).
the "really" is pure filler. L3 needs to be rewritten.

[QDeathstar]

Between creamy silences,
there lives a hungry nothing in my brain.
It's strange, really,
that these lonely white walls don't
sing.

My first thought is that for someone in an insane asylum, what is going on in their head is mundane....


I think you may try replacing the mundane word "walls" in the title with something slightly more emotional. Cage, trap, shroud, safety net, who knows. Walls doesn't convey anything about how you are feeling. Convey something.

The first line does a good job of drawing you in, especially associated with the title (that needs improvement) it provides an interesting perspective. It works, I like it. However, I think the second line would be more effective if you found a way to move "hungry nothing" to the end of the line letting it linger in the readers mind just a little longer, in a way, stirring the readers own hungry nothing as he reads the piece. It's interesting phrasing but it gets muddled in the middle.

I'd drop that these from the fourth line.. I think the sounds of really, lonely walls might be OK.

However, on the lonely walls, the speaker is with the lonely walls, so, the walls aren't lonely, they just won't talk to him. /thoughts.