Headway

[BW BRINE]

A bear and a boy make way west,
not really hoping for anything but some clean air
or open space.

Enveloped in the world on the way,
stratified vision divides the stars and people from one another,
brilliant and sparkling;
colored plains of grains and rolling endless crystal views
are refracted through bottled water.

Nights are calm at first, but soon,
upset;
as if something other than what they expect
knocks them back,
asking for directions,
crossing paths to anywhere,
from any road to travel there,
and beating brazen, prideful,
strong as ever,
they continue.

-BW BRINE

[SnarlingThroughOurSmiles]

Your first stanza immediately think of Winnie the Pooh, and I think that tone really carries through the rest of the poem. It's not childish by any means, but there's definitely a youthful, innocent, whimsical quality to it. I'd like to think of it as Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh as CR enters adolescence. It's a wonderfully vivid read. I'd love to be able to turn this poem into a mural in my apartment.

[BW BRINE]

Your first stanza immediately think of Winnie the Pooh, and I think that tone really carries through the rest of the poem.  It's not childish by any means, but there's definitely a youthful, innocent, whimsical quality to it.  I'd like to think of it as Christopher Robin and Winnie the Pooh as CR enters adolescence.  It's a wonderfully vivid read.  I'd love to be able to turn this poem into a mural in my apartment.

thanks, snarling.

you're welcome to try to make that mural (I certainly can't stop you). I'm glad you enjoyed the poem, and I'm also glad you got those images of CR and pooh - that was a major influence.

-BW

[ellajam]

A bear and a boy make way west, I'd like a "their" before "way'. Intriguing opening.
not really hoping for anything but some clean air
or open space.

Enveloped in the world on the way,
stratified vision divides the stars and people from one another,
brilliant and sparkling;
colored plains of grains and rolling endless crystal views
are refracted through bottled water.
I enjoyed the whole strophe.

Nights are calm at first, but soon, I don't think you need this comma, I'm not sure about the break either.
upset; comma here?
as if something other than what they expect
knocks them back,
asking for directions, I get confused here.
crossing paths to anywhere,
from any road to travel there,
and beating brazen, prideful,
strong as ever,
they continue.

-BW BRINE

I enjoyed the read.

[BW BRINE]

A bear and a boy make way west, I'd like a "their" before "way'. Intriguing opening.
not really hoping for anything but some clean air
or open space.

Enveloped in the world on the way,
stratified vision divides the stars and people from one another,
brilliant and sparkling;
colored plains of grains and rolling endless crystal views
are refracted through bottled water.
I enjoyed the whole strophe.

Nights are calm at first, but soon, I don't think you need this comma, I'm not sure about the break either.
upset; comma here?  
as if something other than what they expect
knocks them back,
asking for directions, I get confused here.
crossing paths to anywhere,
from any road to travel there,
and beating brazen, prideful,
strong as ever,
they continue.

-BW BRINE

I enjoyed the read.

thanks!

What about something like this for the last strophe:

Nights are calm at first, but soon upset,
as if something unexpected knocks them back,
asking for directions,
crossing paths from anywhere;
beating, brazen, prideful,
strong as ever,
they continue.

[Tiger the Lion]

Hey BW. I think I commented on your other piece about my finding it wordy. I see it again here. If the wordiness is a style choice then be sure to be deliberate about it. If not I'll try to give you some examples of where my eyes see more words than ideas. I don't mind the nod to Pooh. It gives the poem context.

A bear and a boy make way west, - go west?
not really hoping for anything but some clean air -hoping only for
or open space.
Enveloped in the world on the way,
stratified vision divides the stars and people from one another,
brilliant and sparkling;
colored plains of grains and rolling endless crystal views
are refracted through bottled water. "refract" may be more active than "are refracted"

Nights are calm at first, but soon,
upset;
as if something other than what they expect agree with Ella here. You could combine 2nd and 3rd lines
knocks them back,
asking for directions,
crossing paths to anywhere,
from any road to travel there, Not your best- filler line, filler rhyme
and beating brazen, prideful, what is beating brazen?
strong as ever,
they continue.

-BW BRINE

I like the idea of this. The last strophe is confusing though and needs to be executed more thoughtfully to succeed. 
Good luck with it.
Paul