Nightmare

[the man with the spoon]

one of my first poems, not to sure how good it actually is, but im looking forward to any critique.

Nightmare
Tonight i'll lie awake in bed,
a pillow underneath my head. 
Your body underneath my arm, 
to keep you safe from all harm. 
Your feet are cold, your eyes are closed,
as you sleep you still look posed.
Through cotton candy clouds you fly,
in dreams you have, while i just lie,
beside you in my double bed. 
I ponder if i'm in your head.
you drift away, i think of you,
under sheets the colour blue.
I finally decide to rest,
but dreams i've never had the best.
I awaken, you're not there,
for every dream there's a nightmare.

[tectak]

one of my first poems, not to sure how good it actually is, but im looking forward to any critique.
This is in Serious so should be near perfect. Basic errors are not acceptable so proof read your work. Do  not excuse yourself with "this is my first..." or "i know it's not good" etc. Write right...right?
Nightmare
tonight ill lie awake in bed, Begin with punctuation and continue with it. Punctuation is a tool. Capital letter to start. I'll. How hard is it?
a pillow underneath my head Lame line. Really, what worth is this except to create a rhyme? Let me see. What rhymes with bed? Er...A....B....C... D hmm. dead? Maybe...E...F...fed...ged....head! Yippeee! Pillow underneath my head in bed. Sheesh. 
your body underneath my arm, 
to keep you safe from all harm.  Fascile observation culminating in a cliche. This is symptomatic now. Read this couplet and scan. Even your basic syllable count is threatened by your rhyme-rush. 8,8,8,7.
your feet are cold, your eyes are closed, Are you unable to capitalise on your device? Your. I ask because you end a sentence (or should) on "posed" but do not begin next line with a capital. As this is very simplistic stuff using forced rhymes to no good effect I am wondering if this is really IS your first poem, read or written. Enough sarcasm. Advice. Avoid the "as" word because it implies relevant concurrency. Why is she ONLY "posed" (?) WHEN sleeping yet by doubling up with "still" you imply she is always "posed". By the way, you mean "composed"...I hope.  

Your feet are cold, your eyes are closed;
asleep, my love, yet still composed. Your poem

as you sleep you still look posed.
through cotton candy clouds you fly, Massive nursery cliche. Cotton candy clouds? Euuukkkkk!
in dreams you have, while i just lie,
beside you in my double bed.  You choose this basic rhyme scheme AABBCC...if you must stick to it do try to be a little more pensive. Put some thought in to creating a couplet which rhymes in such a clever way that it is not noticed.As it is, the predicability is becoming monotonous. You have to work on rhymes. This piece should be good practice as you need so many.In fact, I note you have exhausted the universe (good word) and are back to bed-head. You must up your game if you want to become happy in this medium. I can imagine your horror when you found yourself trapped by the bed...again.
i ponder if i'm in your head.
you drift away, i think of you, She is asleep...you told me so way back. Is this a metaphor or Silver Cord stuff?
under sheets the colour blue. You are now taking the piss. An inverted you-blue?
i finally decide to rest,
but dreams i've never had the best. ...and a great rush of gobbledygook, sparse punctuation, disconnects, inversions, shaky word use, meter like logs falling downstairs, hasty inconclusive conclusions...ah, thank god...the finish line.
i awaken, you're not there,
for every dream theres a nightmare. Oh for Pete's sake....there's!

Hello,
Harsh? Maybe...but it is not often a "first" poem manages to demonstrate this many problems. That is not bad news. It took me years to write poetry this bad because no one told me it was so. So...pick up your crest an get stuck in to it. If rhyming is just too time-consuming forget it for a while. Meter is important but not at this early stage as important as metaphor, imagery, intent and purposeful method. Know where you are going at every stage...it is easier that way because it becomes habitual. You will not need to think about it...may the Muse be with you....all the way to the end, hopefully.
Best,
tectak
Crit more of others work and you will see your own problems reflected. That is the sheer beauty of this site.

[shemthepenman]

hello,

and so, here we go. . .

one of my first poems, not to sure how good it actually is, but im looking forward to any critique. - regardless of whether it is one of your first poems, i am going to assume it's pretty spot on in terms of the basics. if not, you may want to consider re-posting it in another forum; of course, i am being a little disingenuous as i have already read the poem, and therefore know it should not be in this forum.

Nightmare - i have added a space between the title and the body

tonight ill lie awake in bed, - you know how i said, just moments ago, that i was going to assume you have all the basics sorted; well, after reading the first line, i am now going to assume the opposite of that. tonight should have a capital t, ill has an apostrophe in it [i'll], and the i in ill [sic] should have a capital i,- note, the capitalisation of letters is an overused convention, in my opinion, and i admire your consistancy.
a pillow underneath my head. - this is filler to force the couplet.
your body underneath my arm,
to keep you safe from all harm. - ok, so this is a terrible line. 'keep you safe from harm' is a cliché of the 'never use it, ever' variety and the metre is inexplicable. furthermore, it is this line that tells me [the reader] that the grammar mistakes, the lack of capitalisation, the superfluous second line, the metre problems, and everything that has come before, are not simply due to a lack of editing or proofreading, but that the author simply doesn't really know what they are doing. 
your feet are cold, your eyes are closed,
as you sleep you still look posed. - this may be becoming a trope of mine: punctuation, either use it right or not at all. i won't tell you again.
through cotton candy clouds you fly, - nope.
in dreams you have, while i just lie,
beside you in my double bed.
i ponder if i'm in your head. - bed/head rhyme appears twice. repetition can be effective, but the rhyme itself is poor, so to do it again seems like maddness.
you drift away, i think of you,
under sheets the colour blue. - the old 'forced rhyme inversion tactic' is like a double slab of bad.
i finally decide to rest, - you see, i actually thought you were being clever with the 'you drift away, i think of you' line, by implying that you are falling asleep; yet, 'i finally decide to rest' kinda fucks that up.
but dreams i've never had the best. - inversion to force rhyme.
i awaken, you're not there,
for every dream theres a nightmare. - ok, so all of that just for some trite folk wisdom about balance. and yet, this last line, in many ways, elevates the poem on a conceptual level. the dream, spoken as if awake, and then waking up to a proverbial nightmare. of course, the 'it was all a dream' thing is as old as the hills; but, it does show that you have a intuition about structuring an idea. my advice would be to throw out all the lines in this poem and gently hold on to the idea.

thanks for sharing this poem. again, i would suggest posting in another forum unless you are absolutely sure that you have the grammar and punctuation and spelllllinnng and whatnot all at their best.

[just mercedes]

one of my first poems, not to sure how good it actually is, but im looking forward to any critique.

Nightmare
Tonight i'll lie awake in bed,
a pillow underneath my head. 
Your body underneath my arm, 
to keep you safe from all harm. 
Your feet are cold, your eyes are closed,
as you sleep you still look posed.
Through cotton candy clouds you fly,
in dreams you have, while i just lie,
beside you in my double bed. 
I ponder if i'm in your head.
you drift away, i think of you,
under sheets the colour blue.
I finally decide to rest,
but dreams i've never had the best.
I awaken, you're not there,
for every dream there's a nightmare.

Hi - I  like the way you turned the poem on its head at the end. Your rhymes are pedestrian at best - you could work on providing more surprises with word choice. Your meter breaks down here and there, worse in the final line, which should be a strong line. Only four words have more than two syllables, and they have only three. I think you could mix that up a bit more. Try making the passive more active - instead of 'your feet are cold', make the feet do something.

[Schmitzhugen]

one of my first poems, not to sure how good it actually is, but im looking forward to any critique.

Nightmare

Tonight i'll lie awake in bed, Capital letter for 'I'll'

a pillow underneath my head. Too obvious, contributes little
Your body underneath my arm, 
to keep you safe from all harm. Meter doesn't flow, adjust no. of syllables.
Your feet are cold, your eyes are closed,
as you sleep you still look posed. Not sure about word choice for 'posed'
Through cotton candy clouds you fly, Not keen on illiteration
in dreams you have, while i just lie, 'in dreams you have...' what?
beside you in my double bed. 
I ponder if i'm in your head. Again, must capitalise 'I'm'
you drift away, i think of you,
under sheets the colour blue. Significance of blue?
I finally decide to rest,
but dreams i've never had the best. Capitalisation! Please
I awaken, you're not there,
for every dream there's a nightmare.