The Scenic Route [Revised]

[samyarb]

Thank you Keith, Ronsaik, and Qdeathstar for the feedback, it was very helpful. I made some revisions...I hope that they make the poem's meaning a bit clearer. The poem is about mother nature's disposition: she don't mind, she don't care. The great eye in the sky invites me outside and I want to go so badly but i have many excuses why I can't. But the sun doesn't hear excuses, and it doesn't care about my reasons. It will keep inviting me anyway. 

I watch the sun see through the trees

through the glass,

see through me.



This great star 

saturates my window

brightly warms my hand,

as if in proposition.



My smile concedes like a girl

that has just been asked to dance.

An unstoppable smile.



I belong out there, in the trees

At the source

Eating sunshine and

sipping starbursts

Filter free.



I roll down the window

as if to shout

"Stop!

Drop me off here".



But all I have are excuses:

"Bad timing," I say.

And the sun may see,

but it does not hear.



Original version:

The sun sees through the trees,
sees through the glass,
sees through me.

It saturates my window.
It brightly warms my hand,
as if in proposition.

My smile concedes like a girl
that has just been asked to dance.
I can't restrain this smile
any more that I can restrain a sunset.

I don't try to.
I belong out there, in the trees
At the source
Eating sunshine and sipping moonlight
Filter free.

I roll down the window
so that there is nothing between us, 
the sun and I, 
and I want to shout "Stop!
Drop me off here".

But all I have are excuses.
And the sun may see,
but it does not hear.

[Keith]

I enjoyed the placement of the reader in this sitting in the car on a gorgeous morning feeling good to be alive, I also enjoyed the detail and how we get to interact with the sunlight, very nice,  the turn at the end is unexpected and allows us to relate to having good intentions but doing nothing about it. I put some comments below for consideration. Best Keith

The sun sees through the trees,
sees through the glass,
sees through me. ............The sees in this stanza turned me off,  suggest streaks for L1 and drop it from L2 and L3

It saturates my window. nice image full and flooding through
It brightly warms my hand,........ the second use of it seems a bit odd could you sap it for and that would pick up the sound in hand.
as if in proposition.

My smile concedes like a girl.....the girl disturbs me  
that has just been asked to dance.... this feels a bit too long....My smile concedes like I, have been asked to dance. Your poem?
I can't restrain this smile
any more that I can restrain a sunset...... These two lines rescue the stanza for me and generate a nice image.

I don't try to.
I belong out there, in the trees
At the source.... I like how this open up a bigger idea
Eating sunshine and sipping moonlight....moonlight seems out of place but it does carry off the grandiose I expect from being at the source.
Filter free.....Nice touch keeps it raw

I roll down the window
so that there is nothing between us,..... do you need that ?
the sun and I,
and I want to shout "Stop!
Drop me off here".   This sets up that last stanza nicely  

But all I have are excuses.
And the sun may see,
but it does not hear...... I'm not that sure I fully get the end, it speaks to me of apathy towards being our true selves.

Hope some of this helps. Best Keith

[Achebe]

The sun sees through the trees,
sees through the glass,
sees through me. ..... apart from being a boring first three lines, what the sun was seeing is still either a mystery, or an antiprofound 'my desire to be outside' by the time the poem ends.

It saturates my window. 
It brightly warms my hand,
as if in proposition. ........ nice

My smile concedes like a girl
that has just been asked to dance.
I can't restrain this smile
any more that I can restrain a sunset. ........ why not 'a pregnant hen in Siberia from laying its eggs'? the 'sunset' comes across as an unnecessary reinforcement of the 'sun' theme of this poem. Worse, it makes the reader anticipate some talk about how the sun goes down, the day will end, the bright sun will be no more...but no! it was just a random example of something you couldn't restrain, like the tides upon a beach in Mozambique.

I don't try to.
I belong out there, in the trees
At the source ........ are trees the source of sunshine?
Eating sunshine and sipping moonlight ........'eating sunshine' is nice, because that's what the trees actually do via photosynthesis....there's none of that by moonlight, but that's fine in a poem.
Filter free. ........ nice

I roll down the window
so that there is nothing between us, 
the sun and I,
and I want to shout "Stop!
Drop me off here". ........are you an 11 year old in a schoolbus? who are you shouting to?

But all I have are excuses.
And the sun may see,
but it does not hear. ........ what? were you expecting the sun to stop your car? this makes zero sense.

overall, the poem, has some nice lines, but you need to work on making it more sensible.

[QDeathstar]

The sun sees through the trees,
sees through the glass,
sees through me.

It saturates my window.
It brightly warms my hand,
as if in proposition.

My smile concedes like a girl
that has just been asked to dance.
I can't restrain this smile
any more that I can restrain a sunset.

I don't try to.
I belong out there, in the trees
At the source
Eating sunshine and sipping moonlight
Filter free.

I roll down the window
so that there is nothing between us, 
the sun and I, 
and I want to shout "Stop!
Drop me off here".

But all I have are excuses.
And the sun may see,
but it does not hear.

honestly, I liked the opening lines. They set the tone of self realization, about dishonesty with yourself and struggle to reach solace, about the cleansing properties of nature. I like it.

The poem is simple and honest, it's not stuck up, it doesn't name drop or try to be flashy or good. It just is.

It needs a better ending though. I can't make much sense of it. Even if could, the poem deserves a much clearer summation than what was presented.

[samyarb]

Thank you Keith, Ronsaik, and Qdeathstar for the feedback, it was very helpful. I made some revisions...I hope that they make the poem's meaning a bit clearer. The poem is about mother nature's disposition: she don't mind, she don't care. The great eye in the sky invites me outside and I want to go so badly but i have many excuses why I can't. But the sun doesn't hear excuses, and it doesn't care about my reasons. It will keep inviting me anyway. 

I watch the sun see through the trees
through the glass,
see through me.

This great star 
saturates my window
brightly warms my hand,
as if in proposition.

My smile concedes like a girl
that has just been asked to dance.
An unstoppable smile.

I belong out there, in the trees
At the source
Eating sunshine and
sipping starbursts
Filter free.

I roll down the window
as if to shout
"Stop!
Drop me off here".

But all I have are excuses:
"Bad timing," I say.
And the sun may see,
but it does not hear.


The original version:

The sun sees through the trees,

sees through the glass,

sees through me.



It saturates my window.

It brightly warms my hand,

as if in proposition.



My smile concedes like a girl

that has just been asked to dance.

I can't restrain this smile

any more that I can restrain a sunset.



I don't try to.

I belong out there, in the trees

At the source

Eating sunshine and sipping moonlight

Filter free.



I roll down the window

so that there is nothing between us, 

the sun and I, 

and I want to shout "Stop!

Drop me off here".



But all I have are excuses.

And the sun may see,
but it does not hear.

[Achebe]

Thank you Keith, Ronsaik, and Qdeathstar for the feedback, it was very helpful. I made some revisions...I hope that they make the poem's meaning a bit clearer. The poem is about mother nature's disposition: she don't mind, she don't care. The great eye in the sky invites me outside and I want to go so badly but i have many excuses why I can't. But the sun doesn't hear excuses, and it doesn't care about my reasons. It will keep inviting me anyway. 

I watch the sun see through the trees .... the original was better. I called it banal, but it wasn't a showstopper. 'Watch the sun see' is unnecessarily convoluted.
through the glass,
see through me.

This great star ...... Avoidable hyperbole
saturates my window
brightly warms my hand,
as if in proposition.

My smile concedes like a girl ...... "like a 'girl's" ,perhaps? your smile is like that of a girl who has been etc.
that has just been asked to dance.......nice sentence, but 'that has just been asked' is too prosey...might need to work on that.
An unstoppable smile. ...... "unstoppable" is too prosey.

I belong out there, in the trees
At the source ......Still doesn't work, since the trees are not the 'source' of the sunlight. But it sounds nice, so I'll let it pass.
Eating sunshine and
sipping starbursts ......naah....you see, the 'moonlight' of the original was a slant rhyme with 'sunshine'. You could try 'starlight', but it doesn't sound as good because the 'n' of the "moonlight" went well with the "n" of the suNshiNe. The sonics in this one are pretty bad.
Filter free.

I roll down the window
as if to shout
"Stop!
Drop me off here".

But all I have are excuses:
"Bad timing," I say. ......Avoidable line. I did crib about who was being shouted at, but again, it sounded better in the previous version, so just leave it in.
And the sun may see,
but it does not hear.


The original version:

The sun sees through the trees,

sees through the glass,

sees through me.



It saturates my window.

It brightly warms my hand,

as if in proposition.



My smile concedes like a girl

that has just been asked to dance.

I can't restrain this smile

any more that I can restrain a sunset.



I don't try to.

I belong out there, in the trees

At the source

Eating sunshine and sipping moonlight

Filter free.



I roll down the window

so that there is nothing between us, 

the sun and I, 

and I want to shout "Stop!

Drop me off here".



But all I have are excuses.

And the sun may see,
but it does not hear.

Hi Samyarb - as happens often with revisions, the original version was better. The crits were valid, but somewhere in trying to make amends, you lost some of the beauty that was there in the previous version.
No sweat, a proper revision can take months if not years...

[Jeremiahcp]

Thank you Keith, Ronsaik, and Qdeathstar for the feedback, it was very helpful. I made some revisions...I hope that they make the poem's meaning a bit clearer. The poem is about mother nature's disposition: she don't mind, she don't care. The great eye in the sky invites me outside and I want to go so badly but i have many excuses why I can't. But the sun doesn't hear excuses, and it doesn't care about my reasons. It will keep inviting me anyway. 

I watch the sun see through the trees
through the glass,
see through me.

This great star 
saturates my window
brightly warms my hand,
as if in proposition.

My smile concedes like a girl
that has just been asked to dance.
An unstoppable smile.

I belong out there, in the trees
At the source
Eating sunshine and
sipping starbursts
Filter free.

I roll down the window
as if to shout
"Stop!
Drop me off here".

But all I have are excuses:
"Bad timing," I say.
And the sun may see,
but it does not hear.

Love the concept, as it is a great direction for a poem. Here are my thoughts, take or leave them as you like.  

"I watch the sun see through the trees
through the glass,
see through me."

I enjoy the concept of you watching what the Sun is watching, and I think this is a solid opening. However, the second see is unneeded.

It should read:

I watch the sun see through the trees
through the glass,
through me.

"This great star 
saturates my window
brightly warms my hand,
as if in proposition."

I am going to disagree with Ronsaik, about "This great star", as the Sun is very essential to all life on this planet, therefore calling it great is not at all an exaggeration. However, it should read: The great star. 

Personally, I don't really like the word proposition, just because the way that word is use in adult conversations.  I think you have an opportunity here to use the imagery of the Sun coming through the window and touching you, as a way to convey that desire to join it outside. Also at this point, when I first read the poem, the image I got was a house window, and that is because, sunlight coming through windows is a very common image in writing, and it is most often associated with widows in a building. So I suggest you may want to find a way to clarify that this is a car you are in. 

"My smile concedes like a girl
that has just been asked to dance.
An unstoppable smile."

I do enjoy the idea of the Sun asking you to dance, but the word concedes, means to give up. And you say it is an unstoppable smile. You could say something like I concede to my unstoppable smile. As what is really happening, is that you are conceding to the smile, but the smile itself is not conceding. The way it is written now, the smile is both yielding and unstoppable, and what I think you mean is that you are yielding to an unstoppable smile. 

"I belong out there, in the trees
At the source
Eating sunshine and
sipping starbursts
Filter free."

You can drop filter free, as we get that the window is acting as a the filter, without the need to say so. To be honest, I would also drop, At the source, we get that out there is the source. Let the stanza speak for itself, and trust your readers. 

'"I roll down the window
as if to shout
"Stop!
Drop me off here".

But all I have are excuses:
"Bad timing," I say.
And the sun may see,
but it does not hear."'

I would change that first line to: "I roll down the window [wanting] to shout". Then in the next stanza, I would change the first line to: "But all I can do is mumble an excuse."  As then you have a desire to shout, only for it to come out as a mumble. I like the turn at the end here, as the during the entire poem the window was the barrier, but here the real barrier, is revealed. 

And remember you are the author, and these are only suggestions.

[Schmitzhugen]

Thank you Keith, Ronsaik, and Qdeathstar for the feedback, it was very helpful. I made some revisions...I hope that they make the poem's meaning a bit clearer. The poem is about mother nature's disposition: she don't mind, she don't care. The great eye in the sky invites me outside and I want to go so badly but i have many excuses why I can't. But the sun doesn't hear excuses, and it doesn't care about my reasons. It will keep inviting me anyway. 

I watch the sun see through the trees

through the glass,

see through me. I feel this needs one more syllable ('and see through me') to flow a little better; I do find the idea of the Sun's omniscient perspective fascinating.



This great star Is great really necessary? It's an unnecessary qualification.

saturates my window

brightly warms my hand,

as if in proposition.



My smile concedes like a girl

that has just been asked to dance. As a High-Schooler, this imagery did make me smile, but it doesn't sound 'poetic' enough.

An unstoppable smile.



I belong out there, in the trees

At the source

Eating sunshine and

sipping starbursts Starbursts? Perhaps consider substituting for another word.

Filter free.



I roll down the window

as if to shout

"Stop!

Drop me off here".



But all I have are excuses:

"Bad timing," I say.

And the sun may see,

but it does not hear. Pretty powerful ending, the faint tone of regret in the final stanza as a whole is very evocative.



Original version:

The sun sees through the trees,
sees through the glass,
sees through me.

It saturates my window.
It brightly warms my hand,
as if in proposition.

My smile concedes like a girl
that has just been asked to dance.
I can't restrain this smile
any more that I can restrain a sunset.

I don't try to.
I belong out there, in the trees
At the source
Eating sunshine and sipping moonlight
Filter free.

I roll down the window
so that there is nothing between us, 
the sun and I, 
and I want to shout "Stop!
Drop me off here".

But all I have are excuses.
And the sun may see,
but it does not hear.