You Call Them Fairy Tales

[Todd]

Billy and Jack: I altered the one problem line and I had another friend make a pretty strong suggestion on where to end the poem. What do you think? Better? Worse?

Revision

Don’t tell me of glass slippers,
or pumpkin coaches.
I am no soot-haired commoner
fresh from the hearth—
Who sees the smile,
but not the teeth.

For the first five years
of my slumber
your voices were like
the gnawing
of rats around my bed,
the hunger of darkness
that every child knows
to fear
so like death:
so cold, so iron-kissed.

I have seen the oven inside
your candy house,
felt my womb swell
with the results of this beauty.
You waste your glamour on dreams,
these visions on my wall.
There are no happy endings.

Your gifts are
the spindle,
the prick
of my finger,
the stain
upon my dress.

_______________________________

Original

Don’t tell me of glass slippers,
or pumpkin coaches.
I am no soot-haired commoner
fresh from the hearth—
Who sees the smile,
but not the teeth,

never, never, the teeth.

For the first five years
of my slumber
your voices were like
the gnawing
of rats around my bed,
the hunger of darkness
that every child knows
to fear.

I have seen the oven inside
your candy house,
felt my womb swell
with the results of this Beauty.
You waste your glamour on dreams,
these visions on my wall.
There are no happy endings
Your gifts are
the spindle,
the prick
of my finger,
the stain
upon my dress

so like death:
so cold, so iron-kissed.

[billy]

(all JMO)

not a lot to pick at here, reads well, has good flow.
some really good imagery. the use of the tales fit the title well.

i loved these two lines;
I am no soot-haired commoner
fresh from the hearth—

if i had one nit it would be;
never, never, the teeth.

admittedly it breaks and makes the pause more substantial but for me it's makes the reader falter more than extend. all through the poem i can read and move effortlessly from one line to the next except for that one line.

other than that i think it a good vitriolic poem wrapped in wolfs clothing.
it's jaded and cynical and showing the character of a well used woman.

thanks for the read Todd

[Todd]

Thanks for the critique Billy. I appreicate your comments.

Best,

Todd

[heslopian]

Again, your last lines are haunting and fierce, almost cold and cynical, but in a good way. Excellent flow, some awesome metaphors (the voices as rats one was incredible; really evoked that childhood fear, at least for me), and a grim narrative which never lets up on atmosphere. Would the line "never, never the teeth" have worked better if you'd put it at the end of the first stanza? As it is it is powerful, disrupts the rhythm somewhat (IMHO).
Otherwise though great poem.

[Todd]

Again, your last lines are haunting and fierce, almost cold and cynical, but in a good way. Excellent flow, some awesome metaphors (the voices as rats one was incredible; really evoked that childhood fear, at least for me), and a grim narrative which never lets up on atmosphere. Would the line "never, never the teeth" have worked better if you'd put it at the end of the first stanza? As it is it is powerful, disrupts the rhythm somewhat (IMHO).
Otherwise though great poem.

Thank you so much for your comments. I'm so glad this one seems to be working. I think both of you and Billy are correct on something needing to be done about the never, never line. I'm considering pulling it up to S1 as you suggest and also removing one of the nevers.

I can see the bump in the read that both of you are talking about. I'll make the change and put the poem down for a bit and see if I like the change after a bit of distance.

I appreciate your thoughts.

Thank you for sharing them,

Todd

[Bianca Alabaster]

Liked the poem Todd. hauntingly good.

[Todd]

Bianca, Thank you I'm glad you liked it.

It's nice to know when something connects.

I do appreciate your comments.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

Hi All,

I made a revision, and like anything wondered if it works better. I feel better about the teeth line not sure about the restructured ending--wondered what you all thought.

Thanks,

Todd

[billy]

i think tacking the couplet to the end of the 2nd verse works perfectly.
it gives more depth and imagery to;

the hunger of darkness
that every child knows
to fear

now that verse is much stronger and better for it (for me)

for such a small edit i think you more than got yur money's worth.

and yes i think it ws wise to lose the teeth.

nicely done.

[heslopian]

So sorry Todd for not repyling sooner; I'm afraid that I've just noticed this, and had forgotten all about the poem. Forgive me, I'm a scatterbrained fool Nothing much I can say really, as this seems pretty perfect. More concise and well-rounded than your previous piece, though I like that one too. Maybe you could call this "The Director's Cut" version The only, stupidly minor suggestion I'll make is that you put a comma after "every child knows/to fear."
A stellar poem made into a masterpiece Todd

[Todd]

Hi Jack,

Sorry I haven't responded back to you sooner also. Ha ha. Hey, thank you so much for the comments--you are very kind. I'm just this one has come together better on revision.

Todd