How Are You?

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

Yesterday at 4 (15:57),
I told you I was doing ok
(I don't know what's wrong anymore)
and that I was 6 months clean
(from some things)
but I didn't remember the exact date
(whole months are still a blur).
You asked about my eating
("So...What about...You know...")
and I told you I was better
(I only skip some meals)
The whole conversation was short
(157 seconds)
but I'm already thinking of responses for today.
(Are you going to ask me how I am?)

[Grace]

Hi, how are you?  I was trying to do a critique  of your poem and thinking that the lines in parenthesis needed to stand out, maybe using italics. I've just read Jason's review, and he suggested indenting, which sounds good.

I like the freshness of this.  Thanks for the read. Grace

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

Yesterday at 4 
 =>(15:57),
I told you I was doing ok
 =>(I don't know what's wrong anymore)
and that I was 6-months-clean
 =>(from some things)
but I didn't remember the exact date
 =>(whole months are still a blur).
You asked about my eating
 =>"So...What about...You know...")
and I told you I was better
=>[/b](I only skip some meals)
The whole conversation was short
 =>(157 seconds)
but I'm already thinking of responses for today.
 =>(Are you going to ask me how I am?)

My main suggestion is to indent the lines in parenthesis. I think it will emphasize that those lines are asides and not part of the main external voice of the poem. 
I really like the contrast of the external and internal voices and how their juxtaposition reveals the unnamed emotional reality of the narrator. I think it works very well to characterize the person speaking in the poem.
I also think the last line is very clever, as it can be read in the context of the poem, or as a sudden invitation to the reader to become a part of the poem. It is a very sophisticated way of turning "you" into a double entendre, which I haven't really seen before. 
There's also an intriguing balance of contrast and contradiction that is also an interesting characterization of the narrator - the asides show great precision and attention, perhaps even perfectionism, to reveal the character's need to hide the complete truth from the person being spoken to (contrast of intense truth with prevarication); then, there is the line about entire months being blurs - this monolithic ambiguity really stands out strongly from the tremendous attention to detail - perhaps alluding to an internal conflict of the narrator, being unable to face unforgivable precision and mentally checking out from one's reality. 

I think it's common for writers to make the error of writing their poems in first person when the poem is actually about something else, but I think your poem uses first person very well because the poem is actually about the narrator.

Having not heard it read by the author, and only being able to read it aloud for myself, I'm unsure if having (15:57) immediately after "4" would be confusing, unless the audience is thoroughly familiar with military time (it if were simply 3:57, it might be clearer the narrator is simply being more precise. People not familiar with military time will have to stop to do the math in their head, and by then the poem has already moved on, either leaving them confused perhaps, or missing the next line). On the page it is perfectly clear what is meant because of the layout, but I'm unsure how it would be received being heard out loud by someone unfamiliar with the poem. As the poem progresses it becomes clear that the parenthetical lines are asides, and are revealing a deeper truth of the narrator, but I'm worried that with only the ear and voice the first two lines might confound one another. I haven't done an in-depth look at your free verse meter, but perhaps the second line could be turned into a phrase with 15:57 at the end so it can still have its rightful place in the poem, but is still distinguished from the preceding line audibly?

good luck!

Thank you for the comment Jason! Now that I think about it I totally agree about the military time being confusing...I'm just used to associating it with more preciseness, but I like the idea of taking it out. You say such fancy things about my last line! I really just meant it as a sort of desperate plea to give the narrator a chance to not lie, even though they will the next time. But reading it how you read it, I like it even more! I'm very glad that you like the first person, as I find it strange to write poems based on my experiences in anything but. Thank you for reading, it means a lot!

---

Hi, how are you?  I was trying to do a critique  of your poem and thinking that the lines in parenthesis needed to stand out, maybe using italics. I've just read Jason's review, and he suggested indenting, which sounds good.

I like the freshness of this.  Thanks for the read. Grace

Hi Grace!
I like the idea of the indentations too, so I'm glad you agree. I'm doing pretty ok myself. Don't want to piss off the mods but feel free to private message me anytime. Thanks for the comment!

[3zu]

OMG ! It's a poem ! Thank You ! I enjoyed being in it's company. She's a fine bit of writing that didn't pull my leg anywhere nor stumble over herself at any point, nor did she embarrass the writer & took the reader seriously every step of the way - every line nailed down tight with certainty & a straight bead. It engages mind & emotion almost immediately & holds them to the finish line. It's real target is the heart and it does not miss.

I enjoyed the whole satisfying journey beginning to end but I do have a favorite line and it's a sparkler -
" The whole conversation was short
( 157 seconds )"

f**k**g *brilliant* - - - 3zu

[SnarlingThroughOurSmiles]

This poem is painfully relatable. There's something about being in a self-destructive rut that's just made worse by having to try and hide it from people who care about you, and I love the way you wrote this poem, like recalling a conversation with the replies, and honestly this is beautiful and I hope you're doing better now.

[Kubla Khan]

Yesterday at 4 (15:57),
I told you I was doing ok
(I don't know what's wrong anymore)
and that I was 6 months clean
(from some things)
but I didn't remember the exact date
(whole months are still a blur).
You asked about my eating
("So...What about...You know...")
and I told you I was better
(I only skip some meals)
The whole conversation was short
(157 seconds)
but I'm already thinking of responses for today.
(Are you going to ask me how I am?)

Hi. I like this poem. Unexpectedly novel.
As was mentioned before, italicizing the lines within parenthesis might be something to explore.
And I feel line 3 could be altered somehow, even completely replaced with something else and line 9 could be removed. But that is your call.