A Blimp Accident

[thepoorfortune]

Helium, Hydrogen, in my brain,
Inflating, Growing, all the same,
No rightful light, to make my flight,
Duly humble, normal, sane,
Essence is, as all my know,
Not found in those who merely follow,
But keep in mind, not praise, not pride,
Unwholesome plots of art subside,
Running, Rumbling, in my head-- a
Great Explosion in my mind.

[dukealien]

01 Helium, Hydrogen, in my brain,
02 Inflating, Growing, all the same,
03 No rightful light, to make my flight,
04 Duly humble, normal, sane,
05 Essence is, as all my know,
06 Not found in those who merely follow,
07 But keep in mind, not praise, not pride,
08 Unwholesome plots of art subside,
09 Running, Rumbling, in my head-- a
10 Great Explosion in my mind.

The overall spirit of the poem comes through, though many people may have forgotten the Great Runaway Blimp Chase of 2015 in a few months (an Author's Note might be appropriate to remind them when the time comes for publication).

In mild critique, the first issue I see is typographic - capitalization, punctuation, and resultant phrasing.  Capitalizing the first word on each line is standard, and fits in with the overall use of commas and rhyme.  Other capitalization (lines 1, 2, 9, 10) of words which are not proper nouns would then be for emphasis, which I don't see in lines 1 or 9.  Since there are no periods except at the end of line 10, I'd suggest that Hydrogen and Rumbling not be capitalized.   Probably not Growing or Explosion, either, but those could be justified by emphasis.

I would remove the mid-line comma in line 3 (maybe its ending comma, too), and replace commas with periods at the ends of lines 4 and 6.  Line 2 could end in a semicolon or a period.  The run-on feature - accelerating to the blow-up - is adequately portrayed in  lines 7-10, in my view.

Internal and external rhyme and near-rhyme (assonance):  You have lots of variety - rhymed couplets (lines 5-6 and 7-8), separated by two lines (1 and 4) and internal (line 3).  This may confuse some readers who expect a regular rhyme scheme, but it's all good when you're showing a mind about to blow up from inspiration.

Word choice:  I had trouble with "rightful" in line 2 and, especially, "my" in line 5.  "Rightful" is a nice rhyme with "light," but its connotation of something you have a right to be ("the rightful king") doesn't seem to fit here... perhaps, "No (something) right to make my flight."   "My" looks, at first and second glance, to be a typo:  "men" would make sense, or "may."  If it's meant to show a disordered vocabulary as the mind inflates, then stet.

On the first few readings, I tripped over line 6, getting "follow" to rhyme with "know" in line 5.  With practice, it works.

All those issues notwithstanding, it's quite interesting and   atmospheric.

[Badatpoetry101]

Helium, Hydrogen, in my brain, 1
Inflating, Growing, all the same, 2
No rightful light, to make my flight, 3
Duly humble, normal, sane, 4
Essence is, as all my know, 5
Not found in those who merely follow, 6
But keep in mind, not praise, not pride, 7
Unwholesome plots of art subside, 8
Running, Rumbling, in my head-- a 9
Great Explosion in my mind. 10

Hopefully I am decent at this. It looks like dukealien covered a lot of things. The best I can do I suppose is tell you my emotional response to the poem, to see if that reaction is what you wanted from your audience. And my general thoughts to see if I can follow your thought process or what you are feeling. It'll be a bit stream of concious post.

The equivocance of the blimp and your mind made gets lost or I lose it getting around the middle of it [A Blimp Accident].

Something is filling your mind, either unwanted thoughts or emotions. It makes me curious. No, "rightful light" (3) is either a signal of some kind is missing or it is dark and the lighting is wrong. I'm a bit unsure here, but relating back to your mind I would say their is some sort of decision and you are struggling with it. Maybe you're waiting for an epiphany of some sort?

I think I am going to stop here as I would not be qualified for the rest of the poem. I would suggest maybe more imagery, ummm add color to it. To indicate your mood or state of mind. The explosion in your mind meaning the blimp was either lost or destroyed or a break with the blimp itself.

I would be excited to see the next draft of this poem unless this is the final draft? I really like the first line very sing songy, but also natural. I thought it was a cute poem; although, I felt a bit indifferent to it.