Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
Edit 1 (Thanks to all)
Behave yourself tonight,
and please don’t embarrass us,
she warned.
But five drinks in
I'm tumbling backwards
setting the clock for 17
again.
A non-smoker cadging cigs,
swallowing shot glasses
then another pint,
swapping party anthems
for Springsteen and Motorhead,
I air guitar my way to the
wrong side of another day.
Her gun metal frown
was one step in front
ready to take the head-shot.
My reflection in the bathroom
leaned towards me
and smiled.
I bumped down stairs
two steps at a time.
Hello love, having a gud time?
Get in the car we're going home.
Two miles in
I'm 52 again
snoring in the passenger seat.
with a cold frost
approaching from the east.
Orginal
Behave yourself tonight,
and please don’t embarrass us.
she warned.
Piss off
I thought
I won’t dear
I said.
But five drinks in
I think I’m 17 again.
A non-smoker cadging fags,
swallowing shot glasses
then another pint,
swapping party anthems
for Springsteen and Motorhead,
I air guitar my way to the
wrong side of another day.
Her gun metal frown
was one step in front
ready to take the head-shot.
My reflection in the bathroom
leaned towards me
and smiled
hollow-eyed
and cheek-boned.
Get in the car we're going home.
Two miles in
I'm 52 again
snoring in the passenger seat.
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 1,139
Threads: 466
Joined: Nov 2013
(10-10-2015, 05:03 AM)Keith Wrote: Behave yourself tonight,
and please don’t embarrass us. Maybe remove the comma, or move it to after please.
she warned.
Piss off
I thought These two lines feel unneeded. This already feels like the very heart of the next stanza, so the contrasts end up running too fast.
I won’t dear
I said.
But five drinks in
I think I’m 17 again.
A non-smoker cadging fags, Good grief, I struggled with this: I first thought this was providing another stroke for the setting, that the house's hosts were eyed the same way the speaker did his, well, I'm assuming wife. Then I realized how non-smoker should have played with fags, and boy I'm a bit ashamed. But I do think the problem's partly with the poem, too: there's very little show of the set.
swallowing shot glasses
then another pint,
swapping party anthems
for Springsteen and Motorhead,
I air guitar my way to the
wrong side of another day.
Her gun metal frown Would be a bit clearer if this was spelled "gunmetal" instead.
was one step in front
ready to take the head-shot.
My reflection in the bathroom
leaned towards me
and smiled
hollow-eyed
and cheek-boned. There's a redundant air to these two lines. Both show essentially the same thing, both sound essentially the same, and for a poem this sparse, it stands out, and I don't exactly find them referring to any earlier symbols. Either eliminate one, or better yet synthesize.
Get in the car we're going home.
Two miles in
I'm 52 again
snoring in the passenger seat. There's a deeper thought here, I think, that's somehow lost, some profound observation on lost youth. I caught a good whiff of it going through the poem, a good but for me too mild one: maybe a wee bit of tweaking to make the kissing of images, the dreamy and drunk passage of time, stronger, but no real need to make it explicit.
The show of lost youth is great. I didn't exactly feel what the speaker felt -- perhaps that's because of my youth -- but I very clearly smelled it, and I guess that detached air made the whole show more intimate, more in my face, but not exactly in my face. Anyway, hope this helps.
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(10-10-2015, 05:22 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: (10-10-2015, 05:03 AM)Keith Wrote: Behave yourself tonight,
and please don’t embarrass us. Maybe remove the comma, or move it to after please.
she warned.
Piss off
I thought These two lines feel unneeded. This already feels like the very heart of the next stanza, so the contrasts end up running too fast.
I won’t dear
I said.
But five drinks in
I think I’m 17 again.
A non-smoker cadging fags, Good grief, I struggled with this: I first thought this was providing another stroke for the setting, that the house's hosts were eyed the same way the speaker did his, well, I'm assuming wife. Then I realized how non-smoker should have played with fags, and boy I'm a bit ashamed. But I do think the problem's partly with the poem, too: there's very little show of the set.
swallowing shot glasses
then another pint,
swapping party anthems
for Springsteen and Motorhead,
I air guitar my way to the
wrong side of another day.
Her gun metal frown Would be a bit clearer if this was spelled "gunmetal" instead.
was one step in front
ready to take the head-shot.
My reflection in the bathroom
leaned towards me
and smiled
hollow-eyed
and cheek-boned. There's a redundant air to these two lines. Both show essentially the same thing, both sound essentially the same, and for a poem this sparse, it stands out, and I don't exactly find them referring to any earlier symbols. Either eliminate one, or better yet synthesize.
Get in the car we're going home.
Two miles in
I'm 52 again
snoring in the passenger seat. There's a deeper thought here, I think, that's somehow lost, some profound observation on lost youth. I caught a good whiff of it going through the poem, a good but for me too mild one: maybe a wee bit of tweaking to make the kissing of images, the dreamy and drunk passage of time, stronger, but no real need to make it explicit.
The show of lost youth is great. I didn't exactly feel what the speaker felt -- perhaps that's because of my youth -- but I very clearly smelled it, and I guess that detached air made the whole show more intimate, more in my face, but not exactly in my face. Anyway, hope this helps.
Hi RN many thanks for the help with this, I agree it is a telly, you have left me some really helpful feedback that I will use in an edit. Many thanks Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 21
Threads: 6
Joined: Oct 2015
(10-10-2015, 05:03 AM)Keith Wrote: Behave yourself tonight,
and please don’t embarrass us.
she warned.
Piss off I like the placement of this line
I thought
I won’t dear I think this line should not be itilsed. It feels like its what you are thinking due to the first line
I said.
But five drinks in
I think I’m 17 again. Should this line be in the second stanza?
A non-smoker cadging fags, Fags? That is a powerful and offensive word. It seems like it was just thrown in. My emotions are running high. Let see why you used that phrase.
swallowing shot glasses
then another pint,
swapping party anthems
for Springsteen and Motorhead,
I air guitar my way to the
wrong side of another day.I still don't see anything resolve on why you said anytihng about gay people. You are just takling about getting wasted. I feel like the first line of the stanza throws the poem into a tailspin
Her gun metal frown By reading your poem a couple of times i can understand the her was the same her you were talking about in the first stanza. It does seem however, to throw the poem off by starting the first word with "her".
was one step in front
ready to take the head-shot.
My reflection in the bathroom
leaned towards me
and smiled
hollow-eyed
and cheek-boned.I feel like this stanza is not clearly worded and I dont understand it completely.
Get in the car we're going home.
Two miles in
I'm 52 again
snoring in the passenger seat.This last stanza seems a bit too straightforward of a way to end the poem,
Posts: 131
Threads: 33
Joined: Sep 2015
(10-12-2015, 11:45 AM)elviaje26 Wrote: (10-10-2015, 05:03 AM)Keith Wrote: Behave yourself tonight,
and please don’t embarrass us.
she warned.
Piss off I like the placement of this line
I thought
I won’t dear I think this line should not be itilsed. It feels like its what you are thinking due to the first line
I said.
But five drinks in
I think I’m 17 again. Should this line be in the second stanza?
A non-smoker cadging fags, Fags? That is a powerful and offensive word. It seems like it was just thrown in. My emotions are running high. Let see why you used that phrase. Fags- the British term for cigarette. (Faggots- British term for meatballs)
swallowing shot glasses
then another pint,
swapping party anthems
for Springsteen and Motorhead,
I air guitar my way to the
wrong side of another day.I still don't see anything resolve on why you said anytihng about gay people. You are just takling about getting wasted. I feel like the first line of the stanza throws the poem into a tailspin
Her gun metal frown By reading your poem a couple of times i can understand the her was the same her you were talking about in the first stanza. It does seem however, to throw the poem off by starting the first word with "her".
was one step in front
ready to take the head-shot.
My reflection in the bathroom
leaned towards me
and smiled
hollow-eyed
and cheek-boned.I feel like this stanza is not clearly worded and I dont understand it completely.
Get in the car we're going home.
Two miles in
I'm 52 again
snoring in the passenger seat.This last stanza seems a bit too straightforward of a way to end the poem,
Posts: 848
Threads: 231
Joined: Oct 2012
(10-12-2015, 12:50 PM)Weeded Wrote: (10-12-2015, 11:45 AM)elviaje26 Wrote: (10-10-2015, 05:03 AM)Keith Wrote: Behave yourself tonight,
and please don’t embarrass us.
she warned.
Piss off I like the placement of this line
I thought
I won’t dear I think this line should not be itilsed. It feels like its what you are thinking due to the first line
I said.
But five drinks in
I think I’m 17 again. Should this line be in the second stanza?
A non-smoker cadging fags, Fags? That is a powerful and offensive word. It seems like it was just thrown in. My emotions are running high. Let see why you used that phrase. Fags- the British term for cigarette. (Faggots- British term for meatballs)
swallowing shot glasses
then another pint,
swapping party anthems
for Springsteen and Motorhead,
I air guitar my way to the
wrong side of another day.I still don't see anything resolve on why you said anytihng about gay people. You are just takling about getting wasted. I feel like the first line of the stanza throws the poem into a tailspin
Her gun metal frown By reading your poem a couple of times i can understand the her was the same her you were talking about in the first stanza. It does seem however, to throw the poem off by starting the first word with "her".
was one step in front
ready to take the head-shot.
My reflection in the bathroom
leaned towards me
and smiled
hollow-eyed
and cheek-boned.I feel like this stanza is not clearly worded and I dont understand it completely.
Get in the car we're going home.
Two miles in
I'm 52 again
snoring in the passenger seat.This last stanza seems a bit too straightforward of a way to end the poem,
Thanks to all for the really helpful feedback all used to form the edit sorry so late getting back very much appreciated. Keith
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
Posts: 13
Threads: 1
Joined: Jan 2016
I preferred the original.
The opening tumbled, now the opening says it tumbles. I liked the staccato dialog back and forth and the isolated
But five drinks in
I think I’m 17 again.
That break between the dialog and the descriptions of the drunk actions (all devoid of any speech or reference to the spouse/significant other) reinforces the sober/drunk/sober motif that the original demonstrates in form with how its written, but gets muddied in the revision.
Having spent a few years living in England and Ireland, "fags" didn't throw me, and I liked how it created a cultural context for the piece, but I understand the desire to sanitize it for American readers.
Trimming out the "and cheek-boned" was fine, and tightened it.
Addition of "with a not so bright future." is completely unnecessary and redundant.
Many argue the whole point of poetry is to show, not tell, and you revised tell into a poem that showed (and implied), which is moving backwards.
It's not too late! Put it back! ;-)
Posts: 9
Threads: 2
Joined: Jan 2016
(10-10-2015, 05:03 AM)Keith Wrote: Edit 1 (Thanks to all)
Behave yourself tonight,
and please don’t embarrass us,
she warned.
But five drinks in
I'm tumbling backwards
setting the clock for 17
again.
A non-smoker cadging cigs,
swallowing shot glasses
then another pint,
swapping party anthems
for Springsteen and Motorhead,
I air guitar my way to the
wrong side of another day.
Her gun metal frown
was one step in front
ready to take the head-shot.
My reflection in the bathroom
leaned towards me
and smiled,
hollow-eyed.
I staggered a path down
the stairs two bumped
steps at a time.
Hello love, having a gud time?
Get in the car we're going home.
Two miles in
I'm 52 again
snoring in the passenger seat.
with a not so bright future.
Orginal
Behave yourself tonight,
and please don’t embarrass us.
she warned.
Piss off
I thought
I won’t dear
I said.
But five drinks in
I think I’m 17 again.
A non-smoker cadging fags,
swallowing shot glasses
then another pint,
swapping party anthems
for Springsteen and Motorhead,
I air guitar my way to the
wrong side of another day.
Her gun metal frown
was one step in front
ready to take the head-shot.
My reflection in the bathroom
leaned towards me
and smiled
hollow-eyed
and cheek-boned.
Get in the car we're going home.
Two miles in
I'm 52 again
snoring in the passenger seat.
I have to say, I like the opening two stanzas better, including the italics - if you lose the italics here, the italics in the "get in the car" line, seem out of place. I stumbled over the "falling backwards" image until I read the original, and the original definitely works better for me. I understand the bad connotations associated with "fags" but I don't like "cigs" at all. Maybe just: "Cadging smokes, swallowing shot glasses, then another pint..." I think the addition of the "staggered a path down the stairs two bumped stairs at a time" is really good, but the next line would work better is you kept the original opening and italicized it. I agree with others here, the ending is weak, but not sure how you would fix it. I'm new to offering critique and hope this helps. I really enjoyed reading this - the vivid imagery held me until the end. Mcfair
Posts: 90
Threads: 4
Joined: Dec 2015
Hi,
I put some strikes through some and moved a line from the original, plus added some notes. Basically I like what I am seeing, but I feel as though it still needs more. I feel weird saying this because it is a poem, but I feel like it needs more to the plot development. It seems a little abrupt to me. The narrator is barely 17 again and then rushed out the door. It seems like more drastic things have happened other than air guitar. What type of event was this? That information could be significant to the piece. I looked up "cadge a fag." Around here someone would say bum a cig or a smoke. I knew a cig is a fag in the United Kingdom. Honestly I didn't know what cadge meant. So yes I like this, but feel it can develop more.
(10-10-2015, 05:03 AM)Keith Wrote: Edit 1 (Thanks to all)
Behave yourself tonight,
and please don’t embarrass us,
she warned.
But five drinks in
I'm tumbling backwards I think I’m 17 again.
setting the clock for 17
again.
A non-smoker cadging cigs, (What does that mean?)
swallowing shot glasses
then another pint,
swapping party anthems
for Springsteen and Motorhead,
I air guitar my way to the
wrong side of another day.
Her gun metal frown
was one step in front
ready to take the head-shot. (I think this should be broken up into two stanzas. I assume she was frowning and the narrator went to go look in the bathroom mirror)
My reflection in the bathroom
leaned towards me
and smiled,
hollow-eyed. (I tend to think hollow-eyed is bordering on a cliche description and is that how someone really looks drunk? That sounds like the morning after)
I staggered a path down
the stairs two bumped
steps at a time.
Hello love, having a gud time?
Get in the car we're going home.
Two miles in
I'm 52 again
snoring in the passenger seat.
with a not so bright future.
Orginal
Behave yourself tonight,
and please don’t embarrass us.
she warned.
Piss off
I thought
I won’t dear
I said.
But five drinks in
I think I’m 17 again.
A non-smoker cadging fags,
swallowing shot glasses
then another pint,
swapping party anthems
for Springsteen and Motorhead,
I air guitar my way to the
wrong side of another day.
Her gun metal frown
was one step in front
ready to take the head-shot.
My reflection in the bathroom
leaned towards me
and smiled
hollow-eyed
and cheek-boned.
Get in the car we're going home.
Two miles in
I'm 52 again
snoring in the passenger seat.
"Write while the heat is in you...The writer who postpones the recording of his thoughts uses an iron which has cooled to burn a hole with." --Henry David Thoreau
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